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SOL Post 57 06/15/01
SOL Post 56 04/15/01
SOL Post 55 02/09/01


Volume 56 http://www.msties.com/ Mar/Apr 2001
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence

Beaulieu in White House

In This Issue

From the Poobah
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by jenny@msties.com
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bill@msties.com
April/May MST3K Schedules
Classifieds 3000

From the Poobah

Hi, all. Please join me in welcoming MSTies Anonymous of Alabama into the fold. Once we've settled on a charter statement with new Alabama Co-Potentates Chris Nelson (cnelson205@aol.com) and Jeremy Pate, the new local branch will be added to our site. For those of you in or around AL, please check out the Alabama MSTies page at www.mst3kfc.homestead.com . If you already have a local MST3K-watching group or would like to start one, why not consider representing your state/region in MSTies Anonymous? Contact me for details.

The next edition of the SOL Post will be sent out on Friday, June 1st. Really this time.

"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by jenny@msties.com

Hey everyone. Well, I have great news to share before I start my column: the first episode of "Strange Cinema" is done. For those of you who don't know, I have been working with some people on a TV show. It's kind of like MST3K in that we make fun of bad movies, but we don't have any puppets. Rather than being in space, we are in a studio and have to watch these movies if we want do our own pet projects or even keep our jobs, for that matter. (We're still working on premise a bit.)

The movie we riffed in our first episode is "Day of the Triffids". Though we were going make the Gateway Con 2001 our official premiere date, you can see this show early. (I think you can; I'll have to get back to you on that.) Just write me and ask for a copy of our first show. ($5.00 for shipping and the video.) I'm willing to trade if you've got any good MST3K episodes or associated rare stuff. But will this become the next MST3K? Only time will tell.

This St. Patrick's Day, I was thinking how holidays could be made more special just by watching a few MST3K tapes. Let me explain: everyone loves Turkey Day because you can get together with a big group and watch certain episodes. But any holiday can call for an MST3K watching. There have been tons of episodes and I have selected the best ones to associate with a certain holiday. (Note: I only listed holidays recognized on most national calendars. Also, some of these suggestions are stretches and I'll try to explain why I picked them. Some holidays are skipped because I couldn't think of any related episodes. If you have your own suggestions, please write me.) So let's begin.

New Year's Day: 821 Time Chasers and 1004 Future War have to do with time and the future.
Martin Luther King Jr. Day: 211 First Spaceship to Venus and 524 12 to the Moon have to do with multiple races working together, while 311 It Conquered the World contains Peter Graves' memorable speech.
Valentine's Day: 501 Warrior of the Lost World contains Bitter Sweethearts, and the shorts What to do on a Date?, Is this Love, Young Man's Fancy, and Are You Ready for Marriage all make you glad to be single.
President's Day: Money Talks has Benjamin Franklin, who wasn't a president, but this short was only thing I could come up with.
St. Patrick's Day: 516 Alien from L.A. has Kathy Ireland and nice Irish song.
April Fool's Day: In 206 Ring of Terror, the 'Bots play a trick on Joel, and 1007 Track of the Moon Beast has Crow's failed practical joke.
Good Friday and Easter Sunday: 105 The Corpse Vanishes is about bodies that disappear, Out of This World has an angel, and 522 Teenage Crime Wave contains lots of Bible references.
Mother's Day: 203 Jungle Goddess has a female ruler, 507 I Accuse My Parents has Jimmy's mom, Appreciating Our Parents, A Date With Your Family.
Father's Day (see above): 309 Amazing Colossal Man.
Flag Day: 606 Creeping Terror has Crow's flag, and 621 Beast of Yucca Flats is famous for "Flag on the Moon."
Memorial Day and Independence Day: 205 Rocket Attack USA, 517 Beginning of the End, and 602 Invasion USA.
Veteran's Day (see above): 612 Starfighters chronicles the Air Force.
Labor Day (see above): 315 Teenage Caveman is about a labor dispute.
Canada Day: Circus on Ice takes place in Toronto, while 604 Zombie Nightmare and 910 Final Sacrifice were filmed elsewhere in Canada.
Columbus Day: 201 Rocketship X-M has people exploring and claming new land.
Halloween: 424 Manos: the Hands of Fate has the brides of Satan, 809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf, 912 Screaming Skull has a ghost, 904 Werewolf, or any other movie with 'Devil' or 'Satan' in the title.
Election Day: 612 Starfighters stars Congressman Bob Dorman, and 615 Kitten With a Whip features a guy running for congress.
Thanksgiving: 814 Riding with Death has Turkey Volume Guessing Man, and 816 Prince of Space has Krankor and his ship that looks like turkey.
Hanukkah: 524 12 to the moon has a Jewish guy.
Christmas: 321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martins and 521 Santa Claus.

That's it. What do you think, sirs?

"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bill@msties.com

Vol. 3, Issue 7
It's About Time, It's About Space: Who Wants Seconds?

Who is the genius, the brain damaged and addled feeble-ton who decided that we should have something like Daylight Savings Time? Throughout its long, and rather controversial history, there have been many who have tried, but few who have succeeded in deciphering its very raison d'Etre. Some have linked this temporal phenomenon to ancient farmers who somehow figured that adding an extra hour at the end of the "luminous" part of the day would get them more high quality ultraviolet prime time for their growing cash crops (not that anyone should leave it to a bunch on inbred rednecks who chew on the freshly fertilized tips of rotting wheat stalks and smoke hollowed out corn carcasses to dictate the parameters of the space-time continuum) Others site the colonists, those brave souls who had to live without electricity, adequate toilet and grooming facilities or cures for diphtheria as the originators of this epochal episiotomy, the better to save their precious hog fat back candles. I guess this makes a lot of sense. After a day toiling in the turnip fields, and avoiding Indians, scalpings and cholera, one needed the reliability of a Renaissance fair quality bees wax 'fire stick' to prevent the rampant overpopulation of witches from tormenting their soul with notions like love, sex and monthly bathing.
Still others look to Ben Franklin as the purveyor of the notion of screwing up one's Date Planner. In a letter from Paris, Uncle Ben tells of how economical it would be if we simply manipulated our sundials and altered our sand timers so that one hour appeared at the end of the day, and not early in the morning, where it would simply be wasted with outdated notions like breakfast, and personal hygiene. Paris, with it citizenry of cleanliness questionability seemed to be an appropriate place for this legend of massive girth and rank odiferiousness. While he may have been a whiz bang of an inventor, flying kites and passing wind into all hours of the night, our Pig Ben was not the most sanitary of founding father, what with his practice of giving his bloated and soap-less carcass an "air bath" (which meant he merely stood in a open window, nude, to let the clean fresh air wash away his iniquities and purge him of his B.O.). While he offered a lot of statistics, and presented a really sound case, he couldn't quite seem to convince anyone other than himself that this was a good idea. Not even the French, who had taken to sleeping until noon and staying out all hours of the night in a vane attempt at remove their own personal body funk.
Leave it to William Willett, an Englishman who went up a molehill and came down a mountain. He swallowed Franklin's penny saved is worth two in the bush ramblings and opined "Everyone appreciates the long, light evenings. Everyone laments their shortage as Autumn approaches; and everyone has given utterance to regret that the clear, bright light of an early morning during Spring and Summer months is so seldom seen or used."
Apparently, from 1776 until about 1984, people all over the world looked at the hours of 6:00 am until 12:00 pm as a kind of no humans land, preferring to get up and work the hardest just as the sun was set at maximum stroke level. But our Wee Willy x 2 would have none of that. While seated at his dinner table attempting to ingest one of his wife's steak, kidney and rancid sea eel pies, he quickly got a brain cramp. He would advocate Mr. Franklin's phase folly and ride the streets of London proclaiming this new, "Summer Time" for all the citizens to enjoy. The fact that he was quickly stoned to death indicates the acceptability of the idea back around the crack of the Industrial Age.
No matter who is at fault, though, this twice a year, forward springing, back flopping, wrench in the biological and psychological clock can really be a tad annoying. Wanted to truck down to the local Cineplex Odium complete with stadium seating, nachos and view a special sneak peak of Tomcats? Oops, missed the opening butt shot by about 59 minutes, since you sauntered up to the ticket counter back while still functioning on "old" time. Wanted to tape that very special episode of The Gilmore Girls where Mom goes berserk and starts biting the head's off shrews? Too bad, you ended up with the last half hour of Blind Date and catch a glimpse of an overly groomed hunky man weeping because the silicone and saline inflated bimbette he had plied with seafood and Chardonnay said he was "stuck up and weird". (Just because he wears false eyelashes and listens to Mudvayne, she thinks he's weird.) Time is not, to paraphrase the NAACP, a terrible thing to waste. However, Daylight Savings Time seems to do a real bang-up job of it. About the only person or thing to do a worse job of minute manipulation is Community College Professor Extra- Ordinary Nick Miller from 821 Time Chasers (AKA Houston WorldFest Film Festival Gold Award Winner Tangents). Here is an educator for whom the notion "tenure" has no nor will it ever have any, meaning.
You see, in between bouts of text-based fantasy role-playing games and sips of Diet Squirt, our notorious Nick has devised a means of traveling forward and backward in time, and all on an Intellivision-based computing system with about as much RAM as 2001 equivalent suckling pig. Mr. Nick of Time wants to market and sell the idea of 4th dimensional travel to all those for whom the notion of moving between the ages holds a noble, less Future Shock or Stock Market rip-off desire. Sure he could immediately go back in time and save Lennon and Kennedy and kill Hitler and Darva Conger, but that would result in too much world unity and personal tranquility, and then what demographic would the producers of Chains of Love have to leech off of. (And by the way, I know that the movie was made in 1994, a good 5 years before the Darv spread her legs and evil around the world. He has a TIME MACHINE, stupid. All he has to do is go forward in time, watch FOX for about 10 seconds and... Look, it just loses something in the explanation, okay?) No, Scratch only wants the big bucks that come with International Global Marketing, the ability to turn his little single engine Cessna complete with Colecovision dashboard into a McDonald's Mega Fun Meal complete with D.I.Y. history revisions, and a remake of Back to the Future starring the Stratford-On-Avon stock company and Andy Dick (he's just TOO funny). See, his motives are pure, but as they say on Madison Avenue, his purse strings are a skosh twisted in the nibbly bits.
Still, before he completely sells out and allows RJ Reynolds to use his airport teleporter to force Old Black Joe and his Camels onto the backs of 1850 slaves and hillbillies, he wants to show it off to the ladies. You know, nothing screams "undesirable geek" more than a man with a two-seater time machine powered by a programmable Texas Instruments calculator offering to take you on a multi-generational tour of the future's food courts. Still, Notch finds a gullible she-bass in the guise of Lisa Henson, girl reporter, who violates every rule of the cinematic cannon on female journalists by being quasi-womanly and interested in the male lead for something other than tips on how to make a successful Windsor knot. They hop onto the Love Plane and before you can say "cheesy video effect" its time for a futuristic Orange Julius and an ultramodern Hot Sam Pretzel (with mustard, thank you). Its only after the good professor gets halfway to first base with his new found media Marianne that he turns the whole kit and caboodle over to J.K. Robertson, who everyone except Graze knows is the villain because of his inability to say words in the 'easure' suffix category without looking like a complete retard (he probably says "warsh" too). Sample dialogue:

NICK: Will you look after my scientific wonderment?
J.K.: Nick, I will take PLAY-ZER in the MAY-ZER of LAY-ZER I will use in the securing of your TRAY-ZER. Now let's go WARSH up.

That crafty old J.K. Like the similarly nomenclatured Ms. Rowling, he intends to take over the world, except he is not using a series of children's books, which promote witchcraft and demonology to do it. He hops in the past time puddle jumper, and before you can say "Houston WorldFest Film Festival Gold Award Winner Tangents" the future world is a shambles (A lot like the year 2001, I mean, where are the hover cars and intergalactic holidays on Mars... more on this later). And Little Nicky is out to take a look (as well as a beating at the box office). Upon his arrival at the abandoned steel mill... I'm sorry, I mean the future; he meets a lot of smelly and homeless people. And then he meets people from the future. There has been a war, or a notion of war, or a world at war, something with a lot of bombs and the selling of bonds, and its destroyed all the Great American Cookie Companies and Ruby Tuesdays. If only they could have done something about the Spencer's Gift, instead of letting the cast where the '$10 or less' bin as costumes in representation of the FUTURE. Appalled that there is not a Manchu Wok, or Mr. Dunderbak for eons, Nick and Lisa travel back into present time, but then some non-special effects happen and then Lisa dies in a plane crash. Or from utter boredom. Scrape, sensing that the only way to resolve issues in the present is to travel back into the time of Ben Franklin (damn his oily air-bathed hide) hops onto the express propeller to the past and wanders back to the time when Revolutionary War re-creationists roamed the wilderness, beautiful and free.
Well, J.K. follows him, as do a bunch of jump cut and split-screen alternative time phase Nicks, (I guess I should have paid attention to Back to the Future Part II, when constantly working -- and rather frightening -- character actor Christopher Lloyd explains all this junk) and then there is some shooting, and some crashing, and some beard stroking by the confused members of the Vermont Minutemen Society. Eventually, Lisa is saved, J.K. is defeated, time is set straight, and the year 2010 enjoys Cinnabon with abandon. Our fabulous Dr. Nick (Hi, everybody!) decides that the future is no place for a man like him, or men like him, or that he likes men, and passes a refrigerator magnet over his Atari 2600 and the time machine files are voided. There is some whimsy about Grannies skydiving, and a seduction scene in a supermarket produce isle, and before you can say "Houston WorldFest Film Festival Gold Award Winner Tangents" Time Chasers (AKA Houston WorldFest Film Festival Gold Award Winner Tangents) has unspooled its last time stealing instants of cinematic self-stupor. And the ending should leave you with a sense of well-being, a clean and refreshed feeling (like Zest, without the sex) in the knowledge that the world is once again safe for the next Hot Dog on a Stick franchise.
But just like Daylight Savings Time, you are perplexed and just a little constipated by the whole thing. The sub-plot involving the bumbling mechanic whose drowsy, semi-conscious meanderings indicate that the last thing he "fixed" was himself. The bizarre Tom Savini-esque assistant to J.K. who seems to be acting out a role, as written by Stephen King in a film directed by George Romero, not in this half scribbled mess helmed by a reject from Industrial Films. The absolute and complete mullet worn by the hero, which shouts "animal husbandry," instead of the degree in physics Nick apparently "earned." In the end, just like the extra hour at the end of the day, you feel cheated and a little queasy. You know that the extra 60 minutes means 3600 seconds of kids screaming, phones ringing, people and salesman attempting visits, dogs wanting walkies and cats avoiding your glance, and to top it all off, that unsettling feeling that there should really not be any sun whatsoever at 8:45 in the evening. So let the farmers have their goat, the settlers their Bacctine and Ben Franklin his wind gust exfoliating. No matter if they add an extra hour here or there or an another 15 minutes to Friends, it will still mean the same thing: time will still rule you like the benevolent dictator it is, and will always be and the clock addled scum that you are.
And even when you try and stop, when you step back for a moment and smell the flowers, or get your bearings, or balance your checkbook, it happens. The 12 numbers and 2 hands tick down the remaining moments of your time left on the planet like newsies shooting out the day's headline. Then it happens again, as it does everyday about the same time, odd how that is. It hits you square in the date book. Time is fleeting. Tempus fugit. Nothing you can do will stop it. Nothing you can attempt will thwart it. As sand through the hourglass, so are the moments you have left before the days of your life turn into the potential moments for mourning for your friends and loved ones, if you haven't already outlived them. Oh, sure, you could freeze yourself, and hope that sometime in the future, a scientist can pull himself away from the Scholtzky's Deli long enough to figure out a way to sew your head back onto a non-apelike body, or thaw you out completely without leaving tell tale freezer burn. Maybe someone will invent a pill that makes you live longer, and won't it just be hunky-dory, waiting around for the next wave of 2010 nostalgia, and the time when Brittany was a true artists. Better yet, maybe its time to accept your fate, and make the most of the time that is left. Read a good book. Volunteer for a good cause. Express your thoughts and feelings on a canvas, or in a series of depressing books of death poems. Whatever you do, however, you better get to it now. Before you know it, Daylight savings time will end and we will be cast into Daylight Spending Time. Just the thought of it gives me the willies. Guess its time for another air bath.

April/May MST3K Schedules

Sci-Fi Channel
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
04/14/01 - 9:00 am - 0816 Prince of Space
04/21/01 - 9:00 am - 1001 Soultaker
04/28/01 - 9:00 am - 0810 Giant Spider Invasion
05/05/01 - 9:00 am - 0820 Space Mutiny
05/12/01 - 9:00 am - 1007 Track of the Moon Beast
05/19/01 - 9:00 am - 1012 Squirm

Montevallo, AL
{All times are Central and tentative, at Gwen Cupp's House unless noted}
04/06/01 - 7:00 pm - 0903 Pumaman
04/20/01 - 7:00 pm - 0212 Godzilla vs. Megalon
05/04/01 - 7:00 pm - EPISODE TBA
05/18/01 - 7:00 pm - EPISODE TBA

Colorado State University - Fort Collins, CO
{All times are Mountain and tentative, in the LSC Ramskeller unless noted}
04/03/01 - 7:00 pm - 0406 Attack of the Giant Leeches
04/10/01 - 7:00 pm - 1004 Future War
04/17/01 - 7:00 pm - 0903 Pumaman
04/23/01 - 7:00 pm - MST3K SHORTS (LSC Room 230)
A Collection of MST3K Shorts
04/24/01 - 7:00 pm - 0402 Giant Gila Monster
05/01/01 - 7:00 pm - 0910 Final Sacrifice

Classifieds 3000

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All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar, clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written consent of the author.

Events presented by MSTies Anonymous of Colorado may be sponsored by one or more of the following campus groups: the Associated Students of Colorado State University, the Association for Student Activity Programming, and/or the Panhellenic Council (long story).

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 2001 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.

"Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

2001 MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com

"And no chocolate mess!"

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