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Volume 55 http://www.msties.com/ Jan/Feb 2001
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence

TimmyBigHands RIP

In This Issue

From the Poobah
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
February/March MST3K Schedules
Classifieds 3000

From the Poobah

Before this year's first SOL Post, I'm sad to report that TimmyBigHands, the comedy website venture from the minds of our favorite ex-Brains, will join Pets.com and countless others as victims of the dot-com crash. It was a good site while it lasted...
"Hey, what happened to the January issue?"
I know, I know. Had my laptop's hard drive not so rudely crashed last month, this newsletter would've gone out right on time. Also since MST3K's popularity is waning and college is becoming more and more taxing, I've decided to reduce the SOL Post to seven issues a year, one for each two months plus the annual Turkey Day edition. Starting with the next edition, the SOL Post will be sent out on the first day of each even-numbered month as well as on the fourth Thursday of November. If you'd like to contribute an article for this newsletter or a classified promoting your own MST-related website, activity, or list, please e-mail them to me by the day prior to a given issue's publication date. Make sense? It will.
On the upside, however, MST3K showings at Colorado State University have been expanded to be held on a weekly basis, warranting an additional schedule below. Join us!

"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com

Well, it's 2001 and it quite frankly doesn't feel like it. There is no alien invasion, no robots trying taking over the world, and no end-of-the- world craziness (unless you count the election). Movies have promised us a cool or scary alternate world by this time and it hasn't happened. Why not? Because those movies promised us things that they couldn't deliver. Allow me to give you a few examples of things we came to expect by 2001 and why they haven't come to pass.

  1. Flying cars ("Flash Gordon"). We were promised flying cars by 2001 and it hasn't happened. Heck, we can't even get hover cars, which I think are more likely than flying cars. Let's face it, it won't happen. Why not? Well, not only would the air-travel industry put a stop to it, but also we already have enough air traffic without any cars. Also, collisions would be a pain to clean up and deal with in the courts. Finally, there are stupid people out there who shouldn't even be driving regular cars. Just think of it: some drunken flying car pilot crashes right into your bedroom. Not a pretty site.
  2. Monkeys would do tasks for us or take over the world ("Planet of the Apes"). Okay, so they were promised by the year 1999. Monkeys would be doing tasks for us like picking up trash. This simply will not happen. Just think of the big deal PETA and other animal rights activist groups would make if someone tried to do this. (This is something Tim Burton will maybe concentrate on in his remake of the movie.) Also, some people depend on these jobs to feed their families. Sure, they'd like to do something else, but want to provide for their families. Lastly, there are people who against giving jobs to foreigners and illegal immigrants. (I'm not one of them, just I'm pointing it out.) Think of the controversy if Mr. Joe Smith is out of a job because it was given to Chim-Chim. Plus, I don't think we have to worry about monkeys trying to take over the world. They do kinda have a sweat deal as it is.
  3. A space station on Jupiter ("2001: A Space Odyssey"). Hey, we can't even get a space station on Mars, which is a lot closer than Jupiter. Besides, we humans (well, most of us) like our fresh air and being able to go outside.
  4. Moving sidewalks (The Jetsons). Aside from the moving sidewalks inside airports, this will not happen. We can't even keep our regular roads and sidewalks in decent condition. And what's from keeping the mechanic parts inside these moving sidewalks from rusting when it rains? Plus, I don't think we'll ever get that lazy. We're always in a rush and can usually move a lot faster by walking instead of using those moving sidewalks.
  5. Ray guns, laser guns, and phasers (ibid). Watch any debate on regular guns and there's the reason these will never exist.

Well, these are just few examples of things that were promised to us by year 2001. And as I see no big space monolith or computer named Hal, I think of MST3K because it gives us a very simple, realistic goal for us to achieve by year 3000. Think of it: get a mad scientist (check), shoot a man into space (done that), and make him watch bad movies (though I don't know whether NASA or not has done this). All we need are the wise-cracking robots and we're home-free. Or better yet, get the Best Brains crew to do the show up in actual space with help from NASA. I think we should make this our goal to accomplish by the year 3000. If not us, then our descendants could if we pass down the tradition by showing them the tapes. That is, if they're still alive in the year 2525.

"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com

Vol. 3, Issue 6
2001: A Disgrace Oddity; Open the Pod Bay Doors, Hal... and Puke!

As the sad excuse for the ultramodern year 2001 comes sheepishly wandering into the bedroom of expectation to ask for a glass of water, its time for another reader's poll. This is your chance, as purveyors of this fine publication, to dictate the dicta that this dickweed will spew in the next few issues. "Better 'Bots and Satellites" has decided to focus on the fetidness of the future, the grand disappointment of what 21st Century was supposed to bring us. Instead of jet cars and dog walking treadmills suspended from our upper atmospheric glitzy pleasure domes, we get pseudo autos like the Neon and the Geo and high priced lofts sans indoor plumbing. Instead of robots and artificial intelligence, we get Al Gore and George W. Bush. Instead of wrist televisions, we get Temptation Island. Instead of cures for diseases and synthetic replacement limbs, we get plastic surgery disasters and a more tolerable genital herpes medication. In light of the advances we were supposed to be experiencing, Stanley Kubrick should be glad he is spinning around his 6 x 6 underground flat at just enough RPMs to create his own gravity. And gravy.

Between now and Thursday, March 29th, answer the following 5 questions, via e-mail, to bgibron@yahoo.com and, after looking them over, the BB&S staff will create columns for the next issues based on the ideas and concepts stated in the responses. Try and be a little serious, too, since we will QUOTE you on your choices. If you think the future sucks because there is no pie, then I guess we should feel sorry for you, or maybe your local bakery. Basically, we would like you to use your knowledge of MST3K, and the movies it so pointedly punctured, to give use a newer, braver, world than the one we are forced to live in now, a world without tourist trips to the moon, but with rolling blackouts in California. Any season, or film will do, even if it doesn't 100% refer to the future (however, it may be hard to find the futuristic aspects of the "Horror of Spider Island". Maybe it's in the average bra size of the cast). So step up to the new millennium (officially, thank Baal) and let 'er rip. But just make sure to open a window, as there is something a little ripe about this particular bit of hot air.

Better 'Bots and Satellites presents:
2001: A Disgrace Oddity Questionnaire:

  1. The future sucks because _why_?
  2. The future would be better if there was no _what_?
  3. The MST movie that best represents the future is _what_?
  4. The best part of the future in the movie (your choice) is _what_?
  5. After watching your choice, there is still hope for the future because _why_?

Any duplication of answers will guarantee that this subject, movie, etc. will be one of the first dealt with by the BB&S staff. Again, while this may seem like a cheap ploy to get some ideas for a publication that is otherwise bustling with non-writer's block inspiration, some outside input never hurt. Just ask the cast of Oz. So wander up to your super powerful personal laptop computer, put on some digitally encoded music and fire up the DVD player as you respond, via encoded Internet connection, to the questions of a publication housed thousands of miles from you in an era of unprecedented technological advances, but one that still can't seem to get enough of Eddie Deezen. And then, go download some porn. After all, isn't that what the monolith taught the apes all those eons ago?

February/March MST3K Schedules

Sci-Fi Channel
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
02/03/01 - 10:00 am - 0819 Invasion of the Neptune Men
02/10/01 - 10:00 am - 0907 Hobgoblins
02/17/01 - 10:00 am - 0908 Touch of Satan
02/24/01 - 10:00 am - 0903 Pumaman
03/03/01 - 10:00 am - 0821 Time Chasers
03/10/01 - 10:00 am - 0811 Parts: the Clonus Horror
03/17/01 - 10:00 am - 0902 Phantom Planet
03/24/01 - 10:00 am - 0912 Screaming Skull
03/31/01 - 10:00 am - 1013 Diabolik

Colorado State University - Fort Collins
{All times are Mountain and tentative, in the LSC Ramskeller unless noted}
02/06/01 - 07:00 pm - 0301 Cave Dwellers
02/20/01 - 07:00 pm - 0813 Jack Frost
02/26/01 - 07:00 pm - MST3K APOCALYPSE (LSC Room 230)
0501 Warrior of the Lost World
"The Day the World Ended"
02/27/01 - 07:00 pm - 0313 Earth vs. the Spider
03/13/01 - 07:00 pm - 0407 Killer Shrews
03/19/01 - 07:00 pm - MST3K ANGORA (LSC Theater)
0423 Bride of the Monster
"Ed Wood"
03/20/01 - 07:00 pm - 0516 Alien from L.A.
03/27/01 - 07:00 pm - 0507 I Accuse My Parents

Classifieds 3000

[This space for rent. Free.]


All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar, clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written consent of the author.

Events presented by MSTies Anonymous of Colorado may be sponsored by one or more of the following campus groups: the Associated Students of Colorado State University, the Association for Student Activity Programming, and/or the Panhellenic Council (long story).

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 2001 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.

"Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

2001 MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com

"Oh, poopie..."

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