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SOL Post 55 02/09/01
SOL Post 54 12/15/00
SOL Post 53 11/23/00


Volume 54 http://www.msties.com/ December 2000
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence


In This Issue

From the Poobah
"Random Geek Sighting in London" by jboune1@tiger.towson.edu
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
January MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000

From the Poobah

Finals are over, so it's time to Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, If That's Okay. This, of course, is the last SOL Post for Y2K, but it's not too early to start sending in your MST3K-related articles and/or Classifieds 3000 for the very first edition of 2001. Just beware of the real Millennium Bug until then!

"Random Geek Sighting in London" by jboune1@tiger.towson.edu

Greetings, all! It has been a while since I told you all of you about the MST New Years' Quote, and 2000 has indeed turned out to be the year of the "ROWSDOWER!" To wit: because I'm a Shakespeare nut, I made a point to catch The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged) at the Criterion Theater over the summer. Imagine my surprise (and/or horror) when the guy who was playing a huge part in the play caught my eye as someone I "knew," and "knew well..." CHRISTIAN MALCOLM! Better known to us MSTies as Troy, the so-geeky- even-I-wanted-to-jump-in-the-movie-and-steal-his-lunch-money moppet, from 910 Final Sacrifice. That's right folks, the Rowsdower-loving little fanboy has since left his Larry Csonka fan club and crazy bread in Alberta, Canada and moved on to play the 5-second Hamlet in a hilarious show in London's West End. Christian has grown considerably since we saw him last, and has adopted a not- all-together repulsive Chandler Bing quality to him. In fact, he was actually damn good in the show, if I may say... so let's keep in mind that those blessed by the snide commentary of our favorite hosts and 'Bots don't always end up on the inside track to a dead-end career; Christian Malcolm seems to have actually grown up and done something good for himself. I wonder what Zap Rowsdower is doing now...

"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com

Hey everyone. To get you in the festive mood I've written a story called "Twas the Night Before Mistmas." It's a mix between MST3K and that old Christmas story. So sit back, relax, and try forget about that guy who took picture of when you drank too much egg nog and how much you'll have pay to make sure it never sees the light of day. (This story is supposed to take place during Season 10. Note some lines are supposed to rhyme but really don't, so just pretend that they do.)

It was the night before Christmas
Well when you're in space its always night just about
And poor Mike began to pout
He bought all his gifts over the Net
Something that would put him into debt.

But Pearl, like the Grinch, dressed in green
Refused to send up the gift, boy was she mean.
In the castle down below
Peal was make sure there were no ho-ho-ho's.

She was awake drinking a beer
Making sure she didn't get coal this year
For by the fireplace she set up huge bear trap
To get Santa right in his big, floppy hat.

Now Mike, giftless and sad
Knew Christmas would be bad.
This was no Whoville or some sappy story
He knew the 'Bots would be crying the next morning.

There lay the 'Bots in there sleeping quarters
Dreaming of those bad movies sent by Forrester
Mike lied down to get some rest
And just hope for the best.

When all of a sudden the SOL rocked like it was almost hit
Zooming past the window there was cool rocket ship.
Mike went to see what it was
Only see Mr. Claus.

Santa had a space suit, and was no fool
And his sled/rocket ship was really quite cool
As his reindeer came into dock
Their hooves made some noise; oh heck, it was a lot.

Santa got out of his sled and somehow got in
Mike guessed by the smell near the garbage bin.
Santa cleaned up and with his magic
Pulled out his bag with lots of packages

Santa went to work he didn't slack
So Mike went up and tapped Satan on the back.
Santa screamed and gave Mike a light whack to the head
He shouldn't have scared Santa and should've been in bed.

"Sorry," said Santa, "I came to this ship shaped like a bone"
"You have all been good but I can't send you all home."
"My sled and I don't have the power"
"Plus I have so many houses to visit this hour."

Mike sighed a sad 'okay,' but was still mad that Santa attacked
Then Santa pulled out the new Swimsuit Sport Illustrated and a cold six-pack.
Then Mike gave Santa a hive five.
He was one awesome guy.

And the gifts and decorations were all set.
Santa did quick you can bet.
He also restored Mike's credit without any cost.
He saved the Christmas that Mike thought was lost.

Then after all that, Santa had to go
Back out into space and into the cold.
And before Mike's eyes
Santa disappear and flied.

Before he left Santa did yell
"Merry Christmas," over trails of jingle-bells.
And when the 'Bots finally did awake
It was about time for goodness sakes.

Mike told the 'Bots everything
From Santa's coming to the bells that were still jingling.
The 'Bots looked Mike like he was mad
But saw the present and were quite glad.

They share their gifts and had a good time.
I'm glad I'm almost done with this rhyme.
This is the end story I do fear
So have good holiday season this year.

"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com

Vol. 3, Issue 5
Bad Dates, Indy!: The MST Advent Calendar

Are you like the rest of the world? Are you sick and tired of the same old holiday revelry? Looking for a way to avoid the commercialized trappings of another lonely Xmas and pump some much needed life into that stale cup of Wassail? To help you better celebrate this holiday season, Better 'Bots and Satellites has come up with a nutty take on the traditional Christmas prayer cycle. Like the advent of the wheel and the advent of the modern machine and the advent of downloadable porn, 'tis the time of year to commemorate the advent of Advent. But we don't want you to light a silly wreath, or create of a commemorative diorama of Joseph, Mary and the rather odiferous stable they stayed in. No, we want you to celebrate MSTie style, and nothing says MST3K like an advent calendar. But this is no ordinary data bank of dates. No siree. Not some wood pulp parchment with pictures of candles and holly behind pre-cut doors. No, this is totally interactive and guaranteed to bring a smile to your face (if not also a little bile to your throat). Just follow the instructions below and enjoy a truly cool Yule. Or at least a pleasant advent. Or an Outward Bound adventure. Or a seventh day Adventist. Or a trip to the dentist.

How it works: Everyday, between now and Christmas, just take out a tape (traded or purchased) of the following episodes and pop them into your trusty VCR. Then sit back with a mug of HOT Dr. Pepper (with a brewed cinnamon stick poking out) and enjoy a comfy, cozy, snuggly buggly Xmas gift from Joel, Mike and the 'Bots. Each one is a fail-safe way to provide you with some baroque yuletide reward, even if they seem more ephemeral than material. Just remember, its the thought that counts, unless its cash. Then, it's the denomination.

P.S. The numbers in the parenthetical are the dates. Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?

030(1) Cave Dwellers: Choose between Dong/Thong/Bong's FuManChu meets Ann B. Davis facial hair, or go for Mila's chest hubcap. Or dare to bare the muffiny and too sweet pecs of Miles (of smiles) O'Keefe. Just avoid the Fowl Fedora. No one has enough estrogen in his or her system to successfully pull it off.

020(2) Sidehackers: Festoon your noggin with Rommel's elderly Italian man's golf cap and slop down those chili peppers 'til they burn your gut! Honor the true JC with the fake evil fem JC and watch those hinders scrape pavement.

100(3) Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders: What a choice; Ernest's goiter, Merlin's Book of Pig Latin spells, or the Rock and Roll Martian. Anyone of them would zap those images of candy canes from your head pronto. On this holiest of nights, the only creature stirring is the one created from Mrs. Merlin's blubber funk.

060(4) Zombie Nightmare: Hmmm, Adam West... A teenage rapist wannabe... a never was heavy metal rocker zombie who walks bowlegged and carries a Louisville slugger... sounds like its time for the boar's head, on hand held high. Either that, or the directors. Just remember to bedeck with sage and rosemary. (And I AM SORRY, THAT DOES NOT RHYME AT ALL. HIGH... ROSEMARY... HUH??? NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL.)

090(5) Deadly Bees: Search and destroy a rancid and heaping helping of the DOG'S MEAT (have you seen it?), or sprawl in the nicotined resplendence of Mrs. Hargrove's pitted out housecoat. And don't worry about the ever- increasing body count. There's enough royal jelly for everyone.

070(6) Laserblast: Gaze in erotic pleasure at the hulky hunky mummy beefcake known as Eddie Deezen! Nothing spells N-O-E-L than the he-manly mass of masculine mook that is the Deez! Or what can be found in the pants of Roddy McDowell.

050(7) I Accuse My Parents: Partake of several highballs, and experience blackouts, shame and stellar moments of personal denial. Take a moment and write an essay about it. Then try to impress your mob ties, their gun molls and your oily pseudo diner Dad with your stilted scribblings as you make your way to the Big House. Then its time for the real accusations to fly.

100(8) Final Justice: Well? Go ahead on. It's your move. No... Really, it is. Slice off a little Goosio and gobble up a big bunch of deep fat fried Malta milk balls as bulky Joe Don noshes to the tune of a different dinner. (Warning: Due to High Caloric Content, the FDA advises the consumption of any Don Baker in dietetically mandated doses only.)

060(9) Skydivers: AAH! Coleman Francis, the meatpackers Santa Claus. Benefit from his static staging and java-drenched dialogue. Put on a sexless uni-tard jumpsuit and leap about like a maniac. Christmas only comes once a year, kind of like how long it seems to take to get to the ending of a Francis film.

03(10) Fugitive Alien: We all LOVE Ken, for he is our sweet friend. Hop on the recent Japo/Harpo/Zeppo-American trend and tetsujin your own ryori as Rocky and Captain Joe provide detailed lessons in the mass consumption of Sake and fermented Natto bean (unless that smell really IS Captain Joe's unmentionables drawer).

08(11) Parts: The Clonus Horror: Take pleasure in the plentiful bounty from the booty of that far off distant land known as America; the beer can, the poorly decorated, flavorless supermarket sheet cake, and the crossed eyed lust of a perky, if somewhat dense, biological mutation. Just steer clear of Peter Graves or Keenan Wynn. No one needs to hear the beginning of the end of their Herbie Rides Again war stories.

10(12) Squirm: You too can be the worm face if you merely follow these simple directions; like the devil, go down to Georgia, wear platform shoes that require a zoning variance, and moan about how powerfully warm it is. Then sit back and enjoy all the road kill vermicelli and ketchup you can stomach.

08(13) Jack Frost: Just perfect for this festive season; twisted bitter old women trying to foist their disarmingly she-male daughters off on the first chump who stumbles into the kibbutz, gnarled old wart hog hags who uses houses and trees to do their hell-spawn bidding, and tiny giggling mushroom men who makes Christopher Lowell seem downright macho. Sounds like someone should be decking them, not the halls.

05(14) Teenage Strangler: Need a bike? A pair of ultra-nerdy glasses? A puberty based voice change? Well, step right up to the door of the creepy janitor and look darkly into the basement abyss. Just remember to ask for Jimmy. He didn't do it. He DIDN'T steal no bike.

04(15) Beatniks: A leather coat? Ducktail hair? A gallon drum of peroxide and eyebrow dye? Then shake hands with Mr. Bayliss and enter a realm of Moons, goons and tunes as you stumble step toward a superstar flameout and your own footnote on Behind the Music. (Ersatz Jerry Vale not included.)

06(16) Racket Girls: Nothing says 'sugar plums' more than a hefty, curvaceous member of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling circa 1867, scantily clad in a undersized sweat sock as she coos and purrs like a dyspeptic domestic short hair and grapples with another supposed member of the female sex. Or the ogling elf oaf in training, a jockey named Joe. And then there's Scali's moustache. Nothing screams 'Adeste Fidelis' more than a pencil thin nose caterpillar poised above a wet and livery upper lip.

08(17) Horror of Party Beach: As Eulabelle finds another half billion ways to incorporate sodium into your already sickle celled, teetering on the verge of diabetes and hypertension corpus delecti, gather the gang around for a real slumber party massacre and jump, jive and wail to the hep cat downbeats of the Del-Aires. Just avoid the hotdogs, since apparently no one can each just one dozen.

00(18) Million Eyes of Su-Muru: Frankie Avalon... a marauding band of babalicious banditos from the island locale of Lesbos... Klaus Kinski as President Boong? And you heard ANGELS were 'on high'. Light up the nativity hash pipe and bake your brain cells into a festive holiday mood as you watch women who would never want to touch you avoid touching someone who no one would ever want to touch, namely Wilfred Hyde-White.

03(19) War of the Colossal Beast: Ever wondered what it would be like to be 700 feet tall, bald, horribly mutated and wearing a enormous pair of Depends? Merry Christmas!

08(20) Space Mutiny: Living proof that the aged and wrinkled can wear a skin tight, latex under all and still cause a nation to vomit. A salutation to the morbidly over aged, you can experience all the pleasures of advancing death, from Cameron Mitchell's chin waddle to his daughter's sagging ass. And let's not forget John Phillip Law whose about 3000 light year away from Danger: Diabolik and about 60 seconds away from a sitz bath.

05(21) Santa Claus: Wonder where all the good gift loot grows? Its in Santa's own private sweat shop, a hell hole of nameless, Margaret Keane faced under skilled urchins who caterwaul off key as they create Play Station 2s. You'll actually be glad when Satan shows up to wreck the dreams of little Lupita. After all, if he doesn't undermine her self-esteem, a few weeks in jolly old Saint Nick's Betsy Wetsy's lingerie creation department would truly ready her for a career in the Milagro bean fields.

06(22) Angel's Revenge: All I want for Christmas is my two big boobs, my two big boobs, see my two big boobs? Well, everyone can and will in this T & A tidbit of Tannenbaum. Add Pat Butram as a country fried Father Xmas and Jim Backus as a cross dressing Nutcracker and before you can say, "OH MY GOD, IT'S JACK PALANCE," you'll feel the spirit of the season moving through you. Or maybe that's just Peter Lawford.

05(23) Village of the Giants: Mix in a little Ron Howard, pre-Grinch but post bed wetting, add some Beau Bridges, pre-Barnum and while still bed wetting and a really huge set of novelty giant breasts and you have a holiday only Tommy Kirk could stain. Just remember, 'don we now our gay apparel' does not mean you have to wear your Catalina Caper brand matching windbreaker and swim trunks.

04(24) Manos: The Hands of Fate: What more could anyone want for the birth of Jesus Christ? How about a cult of Master worshippers who cat fight for fun as they are leered at by a mangy manservant with Yule logs in his Dockers? Just add a crock of poodle pate and a generous portion of hillbilly lip-gloss and you've got a date with the newborn savior. Away in a manger indeed.


January MST3K Schedule on SFC

North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
01/06/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA
01/13/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA
01/20/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA
01/27/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA

Classifieds 3000

timothyFromPA@webtv.net writes: "I have all episodes available between 004 & 1013. I DO NOT touch the Rhino or club tapes/DVD/CDs, except to direct you to where you CAN buy them. All of the necessary information (grades, prices etc.) is on the list. http://www.angelfire.com/sk/timothy1/MST3K.episodes.html"


All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar, clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written consent of the author.

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 2000 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees. "Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

2000 MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com

"Larry Csonka?!"

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