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SOL Post 46 04/15/00
SOL Post 45 03/15/00
SOL Post 44 02/15/00


Volume 45 http://www.msties.com/ March 2000
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence


In This Issue

From the Poobah
"MST3K in the Workplace" by kohansbyod@goes.com
"Yellow Submarine/Satellite of Love" by calvin_crowe@yahoo.com
"The Secret Meeting: Gnoll's Bane" by kamenaj@bigsky.net
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by s364128@pop.urgrgcc.edu
"Why Don't You Get a Job?/Satellite of Love" by Odie51584@aol.com
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
"The One-Year Anniversary is Coming" by asddsa@nightmail.com
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
April MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000

From the Poobah

Here it is, the very first issue of the SOL Post to exceed 50 kilobytes in size! Keep up the great work, everybody! On the Experiments front, however, contribution has been slacking as of late. If you've signed up to transcribe one or more episodes' worth of host segments, please contact me ASAP. Thanks!
I'd also like to take a moment to thank Suzanne Yada for graciously allowing MSTies Anonymous to adopt much of the content from her AADGKA! Village. The big ol' links database has already been posted with more "pavilions" to follow soon.
And on one final note: local chapter MSTies Anonymous of Colorado is proud to present "MST3K Invasion" tentatively scheduled for the evening of Thursday, April 27th, on the CSU campus in Fort Collins. We'll be screening 303 Pod People followed by the raw B-movie "Invasion of the Saucer Men" for attendees to riff. So if you're anywhere in the Rocky Mountain region, drive on in for our really big show! That is, if we raise the necessary funds. Minor detail...

"MST3K in the Workplace" by kohansbyod@goes.com

As an employer, I need to keep my employees enjoying their work and productive. This means making work a place they look forward to coming. MST3K has helped me in that endeavor. It began with me bringing in my MST tapes to work for me to watch during my lunch break. I did this for about a week when my assistant walked in and discovered what I was doing. At first she was not interested, turning her head and chuckling as if to think, "Why would anyone be interested in that program?" Then she would sit at lunch and watch with me. Now, it's a ritual. She comes to work excited, looking forward to the brief time while eating her lunch when she can enjoy MST3K. I oblige and make sure to keep the episodes fresh. This may be the way we can keep the morale of our employees laughing and relieve some of the stresses of their typically mundane jobs. I don't expect every employer to accept this into their regimen of employee benefits, but it seems to be working at my office.

"Yellow Submarine/Satellite of Love" by calvin_crowe@yahoo.com

In the town where I was born
Lived a man without sanity.
And he shot me into space
In the land of bad movies.

So I went above the Earth
And built some smart robots,
And we lived inside the ship
We call the Satellite of Love.

We all live in the Satellite of Love,
Satellite of Love, Satellite of Love
We all live in the Satellite of Love,
Satellite of Love, Satellite of Love.

And my 'Bots are all on board.
At Movie Sign, we riff some more,
And the film begins to play.


As we riff a cheesy movie
Everyone of us has all we need
Sense of humor and some sarcasm
In our Satellite of Love.



"The Secret Meeting: Gnoll's Bane" by kamenaj@bigsky.net

Joe: So, Gnoll was killed by a secret meeting?
Josh: Huh.
Eli: Who's Gnoll?

>A group of several people sit in a well lit room.

Joe:As opposed to a group of one people.

>The light of the room seems to come from the walls themselves.

Josh: WOW! Recessed lighting!
Josh, Joe and Eli: Ooh, ahh!

>This room is made of brick and has a very tall ceiling. In the center of the
>room there is a large rectangular table with five chairs in it.
>The first one is well decorated and is empty. The time is about three in the

Eli: Maybe it's a late nite edition of the McLaughlin Group?

>At the second seat sits a tall human male. He is sitting so it is hard to
>tell exactly his height and weight.

Josh: Hehe. Well, being as how you're the author...

>A good guess would be around 6 feet and 160 pounds.

Eli: (as author) I mean, that's a ballpark figure. How the hell would I know?

>This man has long shoulder length brown hair and a fair growth of beard.

Joe: Hmm, looks like he's the leader of a bluegrass band.

>Despite his excellent appearance, he doesn't seem to care much about grooming
>and doesn't have that great of a sent to him. He is wearing brown breaches
>and a green tunic.

Josh: He's big and he stinks. That's all that was really necessary.
Joe: Especially since he has to guess at most of the other details.

>Seated next to him in the third seat is a shorter, apparently human male.
>This man is bald with his green eyes glowing in the light.

Eli: Hehe. The stink of the previous guy made his hair fall out.

>His height would range around 5' 7" and 145 pounds.

Josh: (as author) No, that's not right. I'm gonna go for 5'4 and 136... No, how about 5'9 and 163? Ah, screw it.

>This man has very light skin and appears to be very pale.

Josh: Hehe. Has this guy got a problem with white people, or something?
Joe: (as author) Essentially, he was a stupid green-eyed bald-headed cracker 'ofay.

>He is dressed in a long white robe. All of his features seem to be hidden
>under the white robe that he wears.

Eli: Thank God for that.

>Directly across from the white robed figure is a very large human male. (in
>the fourth seat). He is about 6' 9" and is weight would have to be at least
>300+ lbs.

Josh: You know, this fantasy story is starting to read like a police report.
Joe: I was working the daywatch out of Middle Earth. I'm Frodo Baggins, I carry a badge...

>His skin is of a normal tone. This man is very clean cut and has strait raven
>black hair. This man muscles are bulging from is swordsman's shirt and

Eli: His MAN MUSCLES are bulging from his shirt and breeches? I don't like the sound of that.
Josh: Me neither.

>He doesn't look like the type that many people would want to mess around
>with. His apparent disposition is upset.

Joe: (as man) Oh man, I hope they don't notice my man muscle bulging out!
Josh: Joe...!
Joe: Sorry, sorry.

>Next to the very large man is a Red and Silver Robed figure.

Josh: He just got back from the Middle Earth Mardi Gras, apparentally.

>(in the fifth seat). He appears to be about 5' 10" and a weight of 160 lbs.
>His bald head is shining from all of the light around him.

Eli: Hey, Patrick Stewart!

>This man almost looks of noble class from the was he is acting.

Eli: Still, Patrick Stewart!

>This man appears to be very young, around 19-21 years of age.

Eli: Damn, not Patrick Stewart!
Josh: Calm down, Eli.

>He is clean cut also.

Joe: 3 out 4 says he's Patrick Stewart!
Eli: Yay!

>Suddenly someone appears in the main chair. A female high-elf appears and is
>dressed in fine clothing.

Josh: And Charlotta is wearing the latest fashion, direct from Rivendell! Note the subtle seams, and the rich, full colors!

>Her tunic has the insignia of a large shield of battle. Her tunic is blue and
>she looks to be about 5' 3" and 118 lbs. Her skin is of a very light tint.
>Her green eyes glow in the light. Her long, strait, white-green hair

Eli: White and green?
Joe: I guess elves get moss growing in their hair, like the common tree sloth.

>goes down to her mid back and is in a pony-tail.
>"I would like to thank you all for responding to the message in the town hall
>so quickly," she says," I am getting ahead of myself, my name is Deedlit,

Josh: Deedlit?
Joe: Isn't that the sound Windows makes when there's an error?

>adviser to the Armor sect. I will introduce you all to each other now. Seated
>to my left (second chair) is Regis Alkard.

Josh: I gotta check Eli's heat sink, when I get a minute. I think his CPU's running hot...

>To my far left (third seat) is Brother Thon of the Northern White Monk Order.

Joe: What, are their monks "seperate but equal," or something?
Eli: Led by Father David Dukes, I imagine.

>To my far right (fourth chair) is Storng Launder the Great.

Josh, Joe and Eli: Hahahahaha!
Josh: Storng Launder the Great?
Joe: Yes! He once washed a thousand filthy shirts in a single blow!

>And finally to my right (fifth seat) is Benaiah Ben-Jehuiada, he wouldn't
>mind if you call him Ben." She looks directly at Ben and says," I know what
>you are and I don't like it,

Eli: (as Deedlit) You humans! Coming here, taking our jobs...

>but that is why your were chosen for this job. The King has empowered me to
>make you, Benaiah Ben-Jehuiada, leader of this group. I will act as your
>adviser and guide." She looks at the entire group and begins, "Sorry for the
>secrecy of this mission, but the King didn't want any of this to get out.

Joe: In short, some rather compromising pictures of His Majesty have fallen into the hands of the goblin kingdom...

>You are to speak to know one of this, this is a secret group that does not
>exist. Okay here is the mission. A few months ago some of our long range
>scouts reported that someone has managed to rally the Gnoll clans together
>and is preparing to attack the Northern Kingdoms.

Josh: I wouldn't be afraid of anybody with a silent "g" in their name.

>They want us to go and get rid of the problem. They don't care how as long as
>the Gnoll's stay away from the Northern Kingdom. They are about one month
>away from the outer gates of the kingdom.

Eli: (as Deedlit) They are compelling me to speak in short, uninteresting sentences.

>You are probably wondering why the Kingdom cannot guard itself, well the
>kingdom has an epidemic going through and 97% of there troops are dead.

Joe: Well, if the epidemic's that bad, how many people can there be left?
Josh: (as Deedlit) Essentially, you're going to protect about three people and a diseased troll.

>That is all the information that I have at this current time. If any of you
>have any question, please feel free to ask. If not you may go back to the inn
>and await further orders."

Eli: (as Deedlit) Or just drink yourselves into oblivion, however you prefer.

"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by s364128@pop.urgrgcc.edu

Well, my birthday was March 7th. I'm now 22 years old. Since I'm known for my unknown facts, I decided to share 22 unknown facts about myself -- something I hope will be copied when anyone of you has a birthday. (Well, maybe 22 facts, but at least more than ten.) I know most people don't want to share their age, but it lets us all get to know each other better and answer those pesky questions we all want to know but were afraid to ask. Please, no making fun of stuff I'm sharing or else. No flamers, spammers, or mean people. So here goes...

  1. I'm a Christian, but not one of those mean, Bible-thumping ones. I'm a nice one.
  2. My favorite animals are rabbits and cats. I actually have a big, stuffed bunny I named Lepus from "Night of the Giant Lepus." (Giant bunnies attacking a town; someone had to be smoking to think of that.)
  3. I'm single, but mainly because all good guys are taken, gay or impotent. (Guys can be taken by love of their careers, taken by mothers, taken by fear of commitment, etc.)
  4. I'm not from another country, but from Cincinnati, Ohio.
  5. The reason I have such poor grammar and spelling is because I have what's known as a learning disability. It's where a part of the mind doesn't work well and is therefore challenged in certain areas, but I'm not stupid. Some famous people have had learning disabilities, like Albert Einstein, Tom Cruse, and I think Cher, but I'm not sure. It's not an excuse; it's just something that I have to live with.
  6. I consider a sense of humor attractive. I love funny and strange stuff.
  7. Proof of fact 6: I actually had a crush on Curly from The Three Stooges for a while. (I know there was more than one Curly. Please don't make me choose. I can't.)
  8. The best time I ever had was at the '96 MST3K Convention.
  9. At the '96 Con, I got a kiss from Mike Nelson! (It was on the cheek and just for a picture, but it still counts.)
  10. My favorite TV shows (beside MST3K) are Buffy the Vampire Slayer (so much better than the movie), Angel, The X-Files, Red Dwarf (Smeg!), The Simpsons, Whose Line is it Anyway? (I love improv), and The Powerpuff Girls.
  11. I'm an English major who will graduate on June 11, 2000.
  12. What I fear the most: spiders, death and what heck I'm doing after college. (I really have no clue what I'm going to do after I graduate. If you even consider me for a job, I love you. Just look at my resume. I would love to hear any encouraging tales.)
  13. My favorite MST3K episodes are 519 Outlaw, 423 Bride of the Monster, 624 Samson vs. the Vampire Women, 703 Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell, 813 Jack Frost, and 1002 Girl in Gold Boots.
  14. Things I like to do in my spare time include writing creative stories, doing any theater stuff or performing in plays, watching TV, sleeping, reading (something you have to do when you're an English major), hanging out, listening to music, and dancing.
  15. I picked my handle for its meaning. Kismet means unexplained fate, strange stuff that just happens, or just plane unique. I picked it because I'm a weird, strange woman.
  16. My favorite funny songs are "Albuquerque" (where anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for nickel) and anything else by Weird Al Yankovic, any MST3K song, but especially "The Janitor Song" and "Ode to Pants", "Where is my Hairbrush?" and "His Cheeseburger" by the Veggie Tales.
  17. Things I hate: people who criticize and make fun of others (like flamers and spammers), people who think I'm stupid just because, snobs, people with big egos, and country music.
  18. What I did keep the memory of MST3K alive... An organization that I belong to at school has a banquet once a year. I had come up with a skit for my group to do. I made them sing, "We're a Danger to Ourselves and Others". They sang it in gangster rap style (I'm danger to myself and otherz, my kinzmenz are close as brotherz), which made it ten times funnier.
  19. I love swimming and dancing. I use to do synchronized swimming when I was young. I quit after a year.
  20. I used Crow's Christmas essay for my beginning monologue and theater class, also during Comedy Central days.
  21. How I found MST3K: Okay, at one time we got Comedy Central on TV, but it was all hazy and snowing. Then once the show came on, I was the only one who could see it. I watched it and loved it. (Later I found out that it was MST3K episode 316 Gamera vs. Zigra.) Then it disappeared. I found it again while babysitting. I would baby-sit for this family for basically nothing just to see the show. Then I finally got my parents to get Comedy Central. I started trading tapes, and rest is history.

"Why Don't You Get a Job?/Satellite of Love" by Odie51584@aol.com

I once knew a guy by the name of Mike
He was, a pretty good friend
Then one day he went to work, and I haven't heard from him since then.

Some time later I got a mysterious call,
The number, could not be traced
Turns out it was Mike who on that phone,
And he, was trapped in space.

Fly away, fly away, don't come down hey hey
Na, na Satellite of Love
Fly away, fly away, don't come down hey hey
Na, na Satellite of Love.

He's forced to watch bad movies by a woman named Pearl
In the SOL's the-a-ter
His only companions are 4 robot pals
And they, keep him sane.


Well yea I miss him being gone and all,
But when I saw the TV show I was struck with awe'awwee.

Tell 'em 'bout your other friend now!

Well she ain't really a friend but I guess it's okay
Her name, is Bonnie Hammer
She works at Sci-Fi, owned by U-S-A
And she, killed our show.

Go away, go away, you've passed your hey day
Na, na Satellite of Love
Go away, go away, you've passed your hey day
Na, na Satellite of Love.


Well that's something everyone could enjoy.

"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com

I'm sorry, but these films I'm reviewing have some to a lot of nudity. Gore and violence I don't mind having in a film, but I'm sorry. I can't help it if the director thinks that only nudity will draw viewers. I apologize in advance. From now on, (N) will denote lots of nudity and (n) will represent brief nudity.

Chopping Mall (1986)(N)
Maltin gives this film one and a half star.
This movie is great MST fodder. First we see a demo video for three mall security robots that use non-lethal force. Then the "the end" came up and we are told about the three robots by a speaker. Now we jump to a few days later. Several of the workers, all in their twenties, are planning to stay late with some girls to have sex in the furniture department store. Meanwhile lightning strikes the mall's tower three times in a row (what are the odds?) and this fries the computer thus making the robots go on a killing spree. We see the two nerds, not having sex but watching a bad Black and white movie on TV together (If a movie has a bad movie within itself, then it is doubly bad.) We see this movie's "the end" while the robots are killing. One person the robots kill is the old neighbor from "Gremlins" 1 and 2; he also played the delivery man in "Small Soldiers", too. Soon we see on of the girls chased by one of the robots, after discovering her dead boyfriend, while it is shooting lasers at her, which are supposed to be used on debris in the robots way. Soon she is hit in the Head and it explodes like a dozen M-80's in a watermelon. The rest, 3 guys 3 girls head to the back room after witnessing this. The girls are placed in the air vent so they can try to make it to the parking lot. The guys head to the gun store. Remember when mall's conveniently had gun stores in case you were attack by robots or zombies? The attack on of the robots and have no luck in even damaging it, even with assault rifles. The girls feel that the guys are in trouble and decide to try and help. They make maltov cocktails and try to kill one of the bots. It wounds one of the girls and shoots her gas can dousing her in flames. She becomes Cajun food, or in other words blackened or charbroiled. The same thing happens (getting killed in various fashions), one or two more of the group get killed till it is just geek and geek. By this time all but one robot is killed. The girl thinks the guy is dead and lures the robot into a paint store and spreads turpentine and throws a road flare in roasting the robot. The guy turns out to be okay.
This film has two great possible stingers. First the on of the waitresses is telling the other that one of the patrons makes sexual advances. It cuts to the extremely overweight patron who says, "Waitress! More Butter!" It is just one of those odd moments. The other is by far one of the oddest lines I have ever heard. In the midst of the carnage one of the girls remarks to her boyfriend, "It's not you, Bernie. I guess I'm just not used to being chased around a mall at night by killer robots."

Death Ship (1980)(N)
Maltin gives it a BOMB!
Not much happens in this film. It stars George Kennedy from "The Naked Gun" films. A cruise ship is hit by another ship late at night. Roughly eight people survive. They make it to the other ship, and find it deserted. It later is discovered to be an old Nazi interrogation ship. There is one kid who constantly has to pee. George is out of it for most of the film and survivors start popping off one by one. The former captain possesses George and we see what murder is going to happen next. It gets very confusing.
Stinger: The little kid having to pee.

The Killer Eye (1998)(NNNN)
Maltin hasn't even touched this film. But I can guess he would give it a bomb.
This has the most nudity in it of all the films reviewed so far, I almost feel bad for recommending it. It's just that the movie is so horrid I have to. There is a doctor with a fake British accent and his cheating wife, though he could care less. He pays a street kid, who looks like an average 18 year-old to be a test subject. He administers eye drops and is going to see if they help the kid to see the 8th dimension. Why the 8th? Why not the 4th or 5th? The kid dies while the doctor is talking to his wife. The kid's eye swells up and out of his socket (not shown except in shadows). The eye ends up being 6 feet tall with the retina. The eye itself is the size of a beach ball and looks so incredibly lame. It watches the females shower, have sex, etc. and fondles them. It will occasionally shoot green lighting bolts it to a persons eyes to suck up some brain fluid to keep itself alive. Getting all this? One thing that struck me as odd was the fact no one ever noticed this eye standing three feet from them! The doctor and his partner decide to hide the body. Creepy Bill, according to IMDb, but I remember hearing Weird Bob shows up. He turns out to quite likable. He talks a bit like Carl in Sling Blade and looks a bit like Brad Pitt in the film Fight Club. He could replace Torgo, but not likely. They cast finds out the only way to kill the eye is shining lights on it. Eventually after a few deaths, the eye goes home and the doctor jumps into the microscope to follow it.
Stinger: The eye watching someone three feet away and them not noticing at all.

Pinocchio's Revenge (1996)(N)
This is worse than "Devil Doll". Hugo was even more terrifying than the doll in this. The plot is five years ago a man, who looks like one of the Baldwin brothers to me, is arrested for killing his son. He also buried a doll near his boy's body. We jump to now. Female defense Jennifer Garrick is trying to get him, Vince Gotto, off death row. He is thou... Never mind that part is too complicated. It was believed that he murdered several other kids. She is given some evidence; one piece is a wooden Pinocchio doll. Later on her young daughter Zoe finds the doll and thinks it's a birthday present. This girl has major problems. Her parents are divorced and won't even speak to her Dad. The mother has a foreign nanny, whose accent is almost as bad as the weird room- mate in "Incredibly Strange Creatures". Soon the daughter starts talking to the doll and it talks back. It tries to get her to kill. One girl, who teases Zoe, is knocked in front of a moving bus, but is okay. Soon the doll knocks the mother's boyfriend down the basement steps. He survives and is in the hospital. The kid's therapist thinks she needs help, she does, but the mother doesn't believe it. Pinocchio finally speaks so the audience can see its mouth move in the doctor's office while he is out of the room. Pinocchio sounds like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Vern Troyer, AKA Mini-Me, plays Pinocchio's stunt double, yet I just found out looking at IMDb! Pinocchio convinces Zoe to cut his strings saying he will become a real boy and they can play. Pinocchio goes to the hospital and pulls the chord on the boyfriend and he dies. Next the nanny gets it and the mother realizes that Vince didn't kill the other kids, his son did and the father found out and killed his son to save him. There is a fight with the doll and ends with the little girl in a mental institution. Happy ending, eh?
Stinger: The bully girl falling off her bike in front of the bus.

Head of the Family (1996)(N)
Maltin didn't even dare to touch this one.
This one was really weird. Like many of the films I review, it stars nobody I've ever heard of. It stars a family, the Stackpools, that makes The Addams Family look like The Brady Bunch. The plot takes no time to get started and then basically dies. It revolves around a wimpy cafe owner Lance, who is secretly having sex with a biker's wife, Loretta. The biker, Howard, is oblivious to the fact they are having sex ever chance they get when he isn't around. We are then introduced to three of the Stackpools. They are: Otis, a giant beefy guy with long white/gray hair, Wheeler, a tall lanky guy who is always wearing dark sunglasses with blinders, and Ernestina, a beautiful blonde bombshell. Howard decides he is going to make Lance give him part of the money he makes of the cafe each month. After making love one night while Howard is out of town they are traveling and see a gate draped across the road with a detour sign. Lance goes to investigate and sees the Stackpools dragging a trucker, with the license plate 'HUNKALUV' into the house. He later comes up with the idea to blackmail them. He goes to meet with them and is introduced to the 'head of the family', Myron. Myron is basically a big, giant head and two tiny arms in a wheelchair; the others are basically zombies. We learn that the Stackpools are quadruplets from the same egg. It seems Myron got the brain and can telepathically control the others, Otis got the strength, and Wheeler got enhanced sense of sight, sound, and smell. Lance blackmails them to kill Howard. Once they've done that Lance decides to extort money from them too. Soon Myron gets pissed off and has Wheeler, who has a pair of big eyes that stick out and inch or so to follow him. They learn who the lawyer he left a note with that is to be turned into the authorities if Lance so turn up missing. They kill the lawyer and decide they are going to torture. They also kidnap Loretta and are going to kill her too. Lance says there is another letter with another lawyer. Stackpools don't buy it. They are getting ready to burn Loretta in a production of Joan of Arc using the people they have captured and performed experiments on. Otis, who has fallen in love with Loretta, saves her and takes her outside after setting the house on fire. Everyone else dies. Loretta ends up marring Otis for his money.
There are two possible stingers:
1. Otis slams Lance against a wall and the whole set wall moves.
2. Otis' only real lines: "Girl. Pretty Girl."

"The One-Year Anniversary is Coming" by asddsa@nightmail.com

I remember fondly to this time last year when all was looking up with the world. Spring was coming, I would soon be out of school, the girlfriends were lining up at my door, Star Wars was coming again, and a new season of one of the greatest shows in the history of comedy was getting ready to start. This of course was the tenth anniversary season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the network that I was grateful my cable company deemed me worthy to have, the Sci-Fi Channel.

Then it hit like all of those somewhat lackluster "meteors are hitting the Earth movies" when I wandered over to the newly rebooted Sci-Fi Channel website to find amidst all the new blue newness that they decided to cancel the show that I missed five seasons of in favor of some other stuff. This is the network that was still running SeaQuest DSV and they decided to cut one of the most daring, original shows ever on the air. This was the same show that they had rescued two seasons before and all of a sudden they fell out of favor with it. I was mystified at their decision to say, "STOP." This was to be the triumphant tenth anniversary season, a time to celebrate. Instead I was hit with realization that the show would soon stop once again. I was upset and dismayed at this. There went my two hours of TV laughs and my great dream of become an intern (the GOOD kind) at Best Brains, Inc. and maybe getting on camera.

Oh well, I've gotten over it. I started to trade tapes and thanks to finding more great traders. Although I then found yahoos who probably struggled to hit the play-record button, my collection is almost complete. I am going to school and working towards my goals. I am glad, however, that even though I still cringe a little bit when I see the Sci-Fi logo (YOU CAN'T TELL ME LEXX IS BETTER THEN MST3K), I have my MST3K video collection to turn to. There may not be any more new laughs coming from more episodes, but there will always be the memories of those favorites of seasons past. I know that when I need something to watch and relax with, I can turn to the Satellite of Love and remember all the fun.

"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com

Vol. 2, Issue 8
And The Sinner Is... "Oh I Wish I Was an Oscar Winning Weiner"

I am sure you all read about it in the news, downloaded it off your server and punched it up on the network while the boss was asleep and/or sleeping it off and/or sleeping with the secretarial pool. Last week, just as the final leg of the hog and phony show known as the Academy Awards was crawling to its pathetic and meandering close, the US Mail (one never to be lightly accused of fouling and besmirching the delivery of tendered posted documentation) lost 4200 final ballots for the most famous of all the non-Dick Clark produced bestowment shows. Publicists hyperventilated, agents flummoxed and stars continued to indulge in 5.4 of the 7 deadly sins as conspiracy theory after Bellini laced Internet scandal connection was explored and implored. A nation sat by, on bated breath waiting to see what would happen.
And guess what? Nothing did. The Academy sent out a replacement set of official ballots (yellow in hue this time, to match their overall courage in choosing the best in cinema) and requested that no member return the now obsolete (and discovered behind the Jolt machine in the postal employees break room) white unofficial ballot, marking the first time in the HISTORY of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences where anything 'white' was rejected outright. Rex Reed stopped stealing for 3 minutes and cried foul (as well as Hello Sailor). E! Entertainment placed their pantheon of on-air personalities at full alert, but finding no one to fit the bill, they instead reran the Howard Stern where Hank gets really, really drunk. Mary Hart bulged her aging, crow’s feet encased eyes, and Bob Gowen pointed and parried his jawbone like the ass that he is, wondering if this would somehow delay the ceremony and require him to actually buy the tux, instead of invoking the 30- day no questions asked return policy. Still, a nation responded with ennui. Why? Well, long ago when the earth was green, when all great intentions were noble and all great noblemen were inbred, the Academy Award actually meant something. When they began, they were really nothing more than a shameless corporate shill job, bought and paid for by the studios that created them. But over the years, as Grammy went from retro to retarded, Emmy went from respectable to the name of a plus sized model, and Tony ceased exciting the last remaining dozen or so people on the planet who hadn’t seen "Cats", Oscar came into its own. Stars coveted them, studios hyped them and the general public had a steadfast faith and belief in them, even if they tended to overlook the works of true cinematic geniuses (Scorcese, Hitchcock, Gilliam) for the tried and true, albeit stale and lifeless professionalism of the entrenched (Pollack, Kraemer) or the just doing this as part of my own private ego trip (Redford, Kostner, Gibson). Still, for all its flaws and faults, for all its glorification of "Chariots of Fire" and it’s ignoring of the Coen Brothers (OK, OK, they gave some awards to "Fargo". But "Raising Arizona" was completely ignored. If there is a God, he is right now making a place in the really stinky part of Hades for ANYONE who dares diss Herbert McDonough and his crew ever again) Oscar seemed to at least play fair. But now, the Oscars have rediscovered the art of no longer mattering. They now have about as much relevancy to what is going on in the real world of 21st Century movie making as the irritating non-acting of Madonna, or the stand up comedy of George Carlin (not that it has ANY connection at all to reality. He seems to think it's 1971 all over again, and jokes about things that are really "weird" are really funny. Typical Carlin riff: (gruff obnoxious voice) ya know what’s really, really weird? BO. Body... Odor. Body... O... dor. Why do we stink? Why does it smell bad? Why can’t it smell good? Why can’t BO be more like OJ? OJ, now there’s something really, really weird...). They are even out of the loop when it comes to ‘the races’. Sure, they praised "Shaft", even giving Isaac Hayes a pre-Chef, post-Black Moses golden man about 3 generations ago. But what about Rudy Ray Moore? "Dolemite"? Completely overlooked. "The Human Tornado"? "The Towering Inferno" got more respect. "Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil’s Son In Law"? Paled in comparison to the pea soup spitting and loud vulgarity of "The Turning Point".
Leave it to "Better ‘Bots and Satellites" to liven up the old flogged mare with the creation of some new categories, ones that fit right into the MPAA’s idea of valuable and germane prize worthy fair. In light of their inability to give Samuel L. Jackson, David Lynch or Danny Elfman the heavy metal men they so richly deserve, the least we can do it honor some of the downtrodden, the unfocused, the unclear of talent and shady of movie magic dexterity. Maybe, just maybe, if we acknowledge these dissipated players once in their miserable existence, maybe then the Academy will wake up and reward the true work horses of the industry; the Fred Olan Rays, the Andrew Stevens, the Linea Quigleys, for without them, there would be no direct to video market, not pay per view, and absolutely NOTHING on 19 of the 20 current pay cable channels.

Not every member of the cast of an MST film was found outside a liquor store late at night begging for enough spare change to buy a 40oz of Goya Malt Soda or rummaging through the casting director’s trash bin for ‘barely used’ adult diapers. Some actually had distinguished careers before drugs, alcohol, smut, and the desire to pay their rent and not live in a urine-soaked cardboard box compelled them to make at least one filmic cow flop. And the nominees are:
Maximillian Schell as Hamlet in "Hamlet" - it hardly seems fair. An Academy Award winning actor (for 1962’s "Judgment at Nuremberg"); the classic words of what many consider to be the Bard, William Shakespeare’s best work; the language of Hitler. How could it miss? Well, it did, and by a V2 rocket’s worth. Over the incessant vowel and consonant crashing of Max and his fellow cast of Kraut classics cremators vocalizations, the minimal pre-Spinal Tap Stonehenge set sways as if moments away from collapsing or being hauled away because the check Lucy Ricardo gave them bounced.
Joe Don Baker as Geronimo in "Final Justice" - a puffy man in an equally puffy performance. With "Walking Tall" a distant memory and welfare staring him in his hog jowl encrusted face, Joey Joe Joe sucked it up, blew it out and porked right on up for this role of a rather rank and smelly walking catfish out of larder. Given the fact that his Italian costars seem to have a better handle on the English language than he does, it is amazing to watch him bleat catchphrase after only catchphrase like a bulldog eyeing Curly Howard’s hinder.
Ernest Borgnine as Grandpa in "Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders" - beating Jon Don on William Conrad and Raymond Burr’s Universal Goiter Scale (but only by one roll of belly fat), the ex Mr. Marty, the fat ugly butcher who was looking for love is now just looking for a pair of pants that fit. Resembling a cross between a landfill and Santa’s mentally challenged brother, Earl, Ernie doesn’t so much act as he spreads, extends and multiplies onto a couch, all in the futile attempt of entertaining a marble-mouthed brat who keeps prattling on about his monkey. Where is Ethel Merman when you need her?
Rossano Brazzi as Don Lammana in "Final Justice" - just what a cameo should be; short, sweet and too the point. Unfortunately, none of this applies to Mr. Brazzi, who once crooned of spending ‘One Enchanted Evening’ with Mitzi Gaynor (and the less masculine Mary Martin). Playing the aging Maltese Godfather as if he was on permanent vacation, he wields a gun with about as much grace and agility as the paper mach é Goosio featured so prominently in one of the films kick ass chase scenes. There is nothing wrong with trading on your ethnic heritage for a paycheck. Just ask the cast of "The Sopranos". Or "Oz". But Brazzi takes it too far, making it seem that, maybe, all those stories about the mafia being a creation of the media might actually be true, since no powerful leader could be this weak of spine, or bladder.
David Warner as Lord Vultare/Raydoor in "Quest of the Delta Knights" - speaking of urine, here is the old pee thrower himself, whiffling the whiz and pitching the piss with the best of them. "Time After Time" and "Time Bandits" confirmed his ability to play evil. "Delta Knights" confirmed his ability to cash a scale paycheck. His Raydoor, while far more animate than the so-called Merlin of the Shop of Mystical Wonders fame, mistakes arthritis for character development, and his Lord Vultare confuses fey homoeroticism with menace and malevolence. That, and he gets to wear a really butch black feather cape thing. Sure, he tried to redeem himself by attempting to kill Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic", but even in that, he failed. Maybe if he sprinkled a little tinkle on him that would have done the trick.

Joe Don Baker (by 350 lbs.)

Otherwise known as the category for actors who are not known for their thespian skills. Every once in a while, a movie needs a fresh face (or chest) to, hopefully, liven up the whole shebang. However, in the case of the non- actors listed here, what may be one man’s way of cutting the budget is another movie’s way of cutting the cheese. Lost among the vague, emotionless faces and the wild non-character driven mood swings, are five names that are destined to go down, not in movie history mind you, but hard, like a Taco Hell Grande Meal Supreme. And the nominees are:
Charles B. Pierce as Doc Lockheart in "Boggy Creek II: the Legend Continues" - where to begin with this guy. #1 - he’s ugly. #2 - his gene pool is complete polluted, judging from the slender, reed-like whisper thin lad of a son he is supposed to have spawned and #3 - he talk funny. Unable to inspire suspense, humor or drama from his Hicksville discourse, he regales us, instead, with legends of the Faulk monster. Not because the tales are interesting, mind you, it’s just to keep us from knowing that he really sells tires at swap meets on weekends.
Jimmy Clem as Crenshaw in "Boggy Creek II: the Legend Continues" - now here is a novel idea; get a really obese, terrifically odiferous, malformed bayou beastie, shave everything except his beard (and his back) and let him spout lines about his ‘little creature’ and ‘watching the fires’ and you’ve got J. Clem, Esquire at your disservice. Clothed in an industrial sized pair of Osh Kosh Oh My God! Coveralls that just don’t quite cover all, what he lacks in charm and dramatics he more than makes up for in sheer body mass. If filth were a franchise, he’d be a Starbucks. Unfortunately, the only thing brown, hot and steamy about the Clemster is his undies.
Joe Estevez as the Angel of Death in "Soultaker" - not to be confused with Martin Sheen, although they both wear their extra-large locks in a wind baffling and hairspray challenging pompadour left over from Ralph Bakshi’s "American Pop". Not to be confused with Emilio Estevez, who seems to be mimicking uncle Joey’s career moves, treading the hardened path from A-list to Encore Movie Channel host in one Mighty Duckian leap after another. Not to be confused with Charlie Sheen, but then again, who cares. The other Estevez, the one that talent forgot, has no problem assuming his brother’s voice and his dog’s performance skills when it comes to making Blockbuster Shockwave extravaganzas. It’s all in a patriarchal parasite’s day’s work.
Robert Z’Dar as the Other Angel of Death in "Soultaker" - not to be mistaken for a tree trunk, a rock sculpture or the side of 1952 Studebaker after a run in with a Packard. And that’s just his face. If stunt casting were a crime, Mr. Z’Dar would be so guilty that not even the OJ jury would acquit him. Trading in his monstrously gigantic jaw and cheekbones, this "Maniac Cop" rocker seems to have taken performing lessons from his plastic surgeons. And he is as successful as they have been in making something human out of the jumbled little muddle known as Mr. Assface. It’s too bad that Jay Leno isn’t dead (really). Mr. Apostrophe Dar could play his life story, or at least his chin line, with some level of competence.
Georgio Salinas as Professor Johnny Longbow in "Track of the Moonbeast" - African Americans tend to get a little enraged when you mention Steppin Fetchit, Aunt Jemima, or Holly Berry, and rightly so. After all, living in a nation that thought that their ancestor’s lives could somehow be whittled down into a dollar and cents value scheme, a black man or woman should feel offended whenever they add Amos to injury. Too bad there are no more Native Americans around to protest George Salinas portrayal of a stew making medicine man in "Moonbeast". He is so ethnically inexact is his recreation of an Injun that you half expect him to puff on the peace pipe, whip out the wampum and smack his squaw in the papoose. How they missed the detail of having him live in a teepee, or a casino is just another sign that, when it comes to ancient cultures, the Anglo Saxon needs a slight refresher course. Not that salacious Georgio does any better with his deliberate pronunciation, as if he just ‘got’ English 5 minutes ago. Aside from long black hair and a tendency to binge drink, what did Mr. Salinas have to offer to this role? One heap big bunch of nothing.

Jimmy Clem (by 475 lbs... take THAT, Joe Don)

No, we are not talking about the stutter speaking and stepping Jar Jar Binks, or the really fake, Howdy Doody gaited aliens from "Species II". Unfortunately, when it comes to the incredibly counterfeit, the not quite right and the exposed zipper down the backside, the movies of MST have fraudulent f/x up the bearded backwater man. From unrealistic metamorphoses to Adam West’s girdle budget, nothing is as it seems. Or, it is at least what it looks like, just done in a really crappy way. And the nominees are:
Presto-Chango-Fish-Mutato-Tank from "Blood Waters of Dr. Z" - like a trip to the local abandoned YWCA after a tornado has torn threw the wading pool. Filters and air tanks are scatter haphazardly around in an attempt to create a ‘genius at work’ motif when, in reality, it comes across more like ‘maid’s day off’. Add the stretcher/trapeze/slingshot hammock and you have a heath spa from the Spawn ranch. Amazing. All you need to become a walking carp is a soiled kiddy pool and collection of flexible dryer tubes.
Ominous Hordes of Rubber ‘Worms’ from "Squirm" - Manipulated by local high school kids looking for service hours and resembling ketchup soaked strands of used coaxial cable, these Franco American Spaghetti-O’s gone bad throb and pulsate with all the realism and authenticity of a plate of limp linguini. Gene Wilder spoke of the reanimation of a dead piece of vermicelli in "Young Frankenstein". Who knew that, all this time, he really was talking about the pasta, not the worm.
Dorky Man Faced Pseudo Spider from "Horrors of Spider Island" - anyone remember the show "Dusty’s Treehouse"? About a rather ample man-child in various rainbow-striped sweaters talking to squirrel and spider marionettes? Yeah, I know, after "Lidsville" and "The New Zoo Revue", much of your childhood is lost in a psychedelicatessen of bad mental images. Well, this scrawny arachnid has crawled out from under Dusty’s muttonchops and has moseyed his way onto an island of hot chicks. This does not mean he has lost all his castrati-like charisma. Or his strings. How else could the crew move him around the set?
Lame Ass Dino Hand Puppets from "Future War" - scientist have recently discovered the fossilized remains of a creature more terrifying and lethal than old T. Rexstasy himself. Still, a million archeologists could work for another million years and not come up with something as sad and lackluster as these hand puppet Paleozoic pieces of foam padding. Sporting a full range of motion (mouth opens AND closes) and shot in incredibly tight close up to enhance their size and their bogusness, these prehistoric phonies make the over animate artifices of Corman’s "Carnisaur" seem like sheer shadow puppet poetry.
Little Creature from "Boggy Creek II: the Legend Continues" - fashioned out of the hair collected from Crenshaw’s wash tub drain, and resembling Mitch from "Supercar" after one too many trips to the Abominable snowman’s stylist, this mini-Yeti purports to be exactly what an infant Sasquatch looks like. Of course, this is ridiculous. Just look at Robin William’s baby pictures. You have to feel sorry for the midget or fidget or underdeveloped male child force to endure the daily makeup ritual of zip and unzip. In the end, we are supposed to feel sorry for this little Bigfoot in an ET kind of Carlo Rambaldi-esque way. However, seeing the utter squalor in which he lives and eats and sleeps and scats in, all one can truly feel is the need for a boiling hot shower.

Little Creature from "Boggy Creek II: the Legend Continues" - anyone shacking up with Crenshaw, even under duress, has issues we don’t even want to begin to look at.

So, on March 26th, after Jack Nicholson has given that charlatan sneer, a mix of artistic temperament meshed with complete and utter contempt for the roles he is now being offered at age 70, to the camera for the 300th time and Billy Crystal has overworked Bruce Vallach’s gay humor for straight people until it comes out sounding like Jerry Seinfeld doing Elmer Gantry, you can sit back and think about the truly deserving, the Oscar winners that won’t get the accolades, or the Wolfgang Puck smoked salmon with goat cheese facsimiles. The ones left behind. The grizzled and grimy Jimmy Clem. The portly and potted Baker named Joe Donny. And the truly awful sock monkey known as the little creature. For in their fetid hides and lard-laced loins is enough truth to indeed set you free. Or at least send you to the bathroom for a visit with Uncle Ralph. And if you find yourself ignoring Kevin Spacey’s acceptance speech in favor of another chorus of "California Lady", or lamenting over the fact that ANYONE married Chad Lowe, let alone let him into the Oscar ceremony, you can at least feel better in knowing that, somewhere, out there, the little creatures sits and waits for his steely man of dramatic action to sweep him off his feet and thrust him into the media spotlight for just enough time to cause a bit of tittle-tattle and to sell his memoirs entitled "What the Cren- shaw". Hooray for Hollywood indeed.

April MST3K Schedule on SFC

North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
04/01/00 - 09:00 am - [901] Projected Man
04/08/00 - 09:00 am - [906] Space Children
04/15/00 - 09:00 am - [814] Riding With Death
04/22/00 - 09:00 am - [801] Revenge of the Creature
04/29/00 - 09:00 am - [802] Leech Woman

Classifieds 3000

crowntom@bolt.com writes: "Attention Bay Area! Stop hiding in the shadows! Any San Francisco Bay Area MSTies out there? You know who you are. Let's get out those tapes and form our own MSTie club chapter here. Whaddaya say? Anyone from Gilroy up to Mountain View or San Francisco, let's hear ya! You can reach me at CrowNTom@bolt.com or at my voice mail, 408-514-2600 ext 7813."

highlanderchica@hotmail.com writes: "Join the club! Kathryn Sedai's MST3K Guild @ http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/kathrynsedaismst3kguild"

vijay@mail.acceleration.net writes: "The Science and Ethics Club at the University of Florida at Gainesville, FL watches a movie pertaining to a scientific topic and then proceeds with a discussion about these controversial topics such as nuclear proliferation, etc. During one of the meetings, I suggested watching one of my MST3K tapes, and the president agreed. I will keep in touch with him and MSTies Anonymous when further information is available. This would be a great way for college students with a common interest to get together and watch MST3K!"


All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar, clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written consent of the author.

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 2000 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees. "Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

© 2000 MSTies Anonymous
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"I prayed for a friend, and he came, his name is Timmy!"

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