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SOL Post 33 04/15/99
SOL Post 32 03/15/99
SOL Post 31 02/15/99


Volume 32 - http://www.mindspring.com/~mstanon/ - March 1999
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence


In This Issue

From the Poobah
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
"Cancel" by jonas42@hotmail.com
"Thanks" by weird_1@usa.net
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
"Yada, Yada, Yada..." by hamdingr@theworks.com
March MSTie of the Month: aloweecey@adelphia.net
MST3K Trivia Winners
April MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000

From the Poobah

The word has finally come in. MST3K will end on Sunday, August 8th, 1999. I know that many of our reactions to the startling news was similar... Shock and horror... A sudden wave of emotions flooding through one's soul, deeply saddened by the realization of the imminent final ending, yet laughing from the many years of laughter the show has brought. February 24th was more than just a bad day for MSTies. Rant? Okay!
Denial. Many MSTies, especially new Sci-Fi era ones, have already jumped on the "Save MST3K" bandwagon. Now although it is a noble and just cause, nothing can be done without the will and direction of the Brains. Any other measures except for increasing viewership would be nothing but premature at this point in time. Until such a time that the Brains tell us their intentions loud and clear, all we can do is watch and enjoy Season 10.
Anxiety. Twenty-seven days until 1001 Soultaker. One-hundred forty-six days until 1013. But there is no reason to dread the end. We must remember that all good things must come to an end at some point, including the very best TV show ever made. All living things must die, but in their place come new and wondrous creations... I can only imagine what the Brains can conjure up when allowed to be fully creative.
Depression. What to do when all is said and done? No more new episodes, completed web sites, tape libraries, 'Bots... What next? Will there be nothing left? Nothing more than 197 episodes and eleven years of fond memories? Of course. Our fellow MSTies will always be there to reflect upon the cow-town puppet show, to riff the Saturday afternoon matinee on local TV, to crack wise at society in general. MST3K may not last forever, but MSTies will as we pass on the Turkey Day tradition to our children and our children's children. 'Bot replicas will become family heirlooms and tape (later DVD-converted) libraries designated for family evenings and parties with good friends.
Anger. When bad things happen to good shows it's sometimes easier to just point the finger at people in high places. Easy scapegoats, perhaps. New Executive Vice-President of Programming at SFC, Bonnie Hammer, has taken much of the blame for the decision. Although our hero, Barry "Queen of Outer Space" Schulman, has moved on to other enterprises, relations between the Brains and SFC are still good. There is no reason to hate SFC or to chafe anyone there at the expense -- not benefit -- of the Brains. If we really want to help the Brains, there's no use in taking out our frustrations on SFC. Rather, find the nearest ren-fest punching bag, John Elway voodoo doll, or younger sibling to beat senseless. Well, maybe not siblings. But the other two are good!
Guilt. Several MSTies have felt that it was their fault in the downfall of MST3K. Whether it be asking SFC to add a new series, not watching enough MST, or not writing to SFC early on, these are all incredibly minor things that couldn't make such a major impact as the final decision. No one is really to blame... MST3K has run its course as all great TV series do. But we can still support it as enthusiastically as ever through to the end. Let's give it a good send-off.
Acceptance. Contrary to popular belief, it's not over yet. Instead of being the biggest disaster in the history of MST3K, this may be its finest hour. Season 10 looks to be one of MST's very best, right in the swing of things with guest shots from MST alumni and a wide variety of 13 cheesy movies. We can only imagine what kind of breathtaking, pulse racing, red-turning, crying, uncontrollable laughter will be induced by each and every episode as the show draws to a close. Oh, it will end with a bang. A magnificent, glorious bang that will echo through the mountaintops and across the widest valleys as MSTies everywhere all cry out with laughter at once... and are then silenced.

jazz@blatt.org asks: "I wasn't sure whom else to ask. I am curious as to what episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 it was I was watching that they had the line 'girl = dumb.' I laughed so hard. I am just dying to find the episode again, or at least the sound byte for it."

MrNelson007 says: "Yes, well, this is all well and good, but the only way to recieve classified information such as this is to perform a strong initialization test. You must first find to shrubberies, then chop down trees using Herring. Afterwards, the mighty Poobah will slice off your middle finger. All hail Poobah!

MSTAnon says: "I don't make this stuff up, folks. As for that particular quote, I can't recall ever hearing it. Sorry..."

BobIshmael says: "Who cares? Does it really matter? Does anything really matter anymore? The coming end of our beloved show... NO! Our beloved way of life and reason for living is a sure sign of the apocalypse. Does this petty and meaningless question mean anything? Should I even bother to give an answer, when I should be stocking up on canned food and weapons to fend off rioting neighbors? Is this life without purpose worth living? Yes, it has to be. I must go on, to live in this oblivion is more favorable than death without episodes on tape... Sigh... Maybe I can watch 'The Visitor' or something."

"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com

This issue I'm once again doing something. Since MST3K began to show shorts again, I decided to come up with things they could use as shorts.

Birdman Cartoons.
These used to play on Cartoon Network's Toonami. These ten-minute cartoons are rather pathetic. Birdman lives in a giant volcano crater with his pet/sidekick against evil, an Eagle named Avenger. Occasionally he appears with a prepubescent sidekick named Birdboy. Birdman gets his orders from his boss who looks a great deal like Nick Fury! Birdman gets his powers from the sun. If he is out of the sun for a long time he grows weaker. For some reason every time he takes flight he has to yell "BIIIIIIRRRRDMAN!" Birdman protects the world against the evil forces of FEAR. For a host segment the 'Bots could come up with their plans to off Birdman.

Space Ghost Cartoons.
I'm not saying that they are all bad, some are OK, but the later ones have a laugh track added to them, which ruins the action (?) of the cartoon. Space Ghost fights enemies like Moltar, Brak, Zorak (a giant talking mantis), Creature King, and many others. He travels around with Jan and Jace, a pair of twins who help SG. SG gets his power from a pair of wristbands and can make himself invisible, well actually just turn himself in to a white outline of his body.

This cartoon is all the rage in Japan and is fairly decent, but still is very cheesy from time to time. People battle with these little monsters using various abilities and try to catch wild ones. The main hero is Ash, a young teenager who sets out to become the greatest Pokémon trainer ever. Along the way, Misty and Brock (not Brack) join him on his journey. They constantly run in to the bad guys, Jesse and James of Team Rocket, who are extremely pathetic and couldn't win a fight on their life! It remains decent sometimes, but then it takes a bizarre turn. In one episode Ash, Misty, and Brock run in to a bike gang. The bike gang rides bicycles, not motorcycles. Apparently Jesse and James were part of the gang. James was the only one who used training wheels. Now that is one of the main reasons it should be MSTed from time to time.

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.
There is only one episode I have seen that deserves to be given the MST treatment. I believe it is called "Hercules and the Beanstalk." Hercules and the King of Thieves, Autolycus, played by Bruce Campbell, must rescue a girl from a giant who took her up a giant beanstalk. She and the giant had been commanded to watch over three golden Harpie Eggs. Herc is interested in saving the girl, while Autolycus is interested in stealing as many valuables as possible. Herc and Autolycus are they only ones that can see that the giant and girl are really in love. Soon the eggs hatch. The giant, Typhoon, has already named the harpie eggs Fee, Fi, and Fo-fum. The harpies look like gremlins, only more friendly and feminine, and act like hyperactive kids. Herc and Autolycus get caught. Herc manages to escape and talk to the giant. He decides to let Herc and Autolycus go, but the harpies have escaped. Herc, Typhoon, and Autolycus must get back the harpies. Herc does battle with a CG cloud snake, after making it regurgitate a recently swallowed baby Harpie. The harpies try to climb down the beanstalk. Herc and Autolycus go down after them. One falls off, so Herc makes a makeshift bungee cord out of a vine and jumps after it, catches it and springs back up the vine. The giant and girl confess their love to one another and promise to raise the harpies to be good, who meanwhile are acting like the three stooges with eye gouges and head bopping. Herc and Autolycus make it down the vine and split up after the giant uproots the vine so the harpies cannot escape again. The end.

Finally, on a sadder note, I will be closing my personal web site, Crow@biteme.com, soon. I haven't had many requests lately, plus I'm busy with college so I don't have the time. I was once one of the big fan sites, but I haven't updated since the end of Season Eight.

We must save MST3K!!!

If any of you have bad films to suggest, don't hesitate to send me suggestions. Write to me at RMichel424@aol.com. Please make the subject something like "Suggestions" or "Bad Flicks" so that I know it isn't a solicitation.

So I leave you with this, my favorite line, from a MST commercial at least:

"Turkey fact #12. Turkeys are filled with enough eltriptaphane to knock you on your sorry Thanksgiving a**!" -Crow

"Cancel" by jonas42@hotmail.com

What to write about this month? Well, there's only really one thing to write about. That's right -- you're smarter than you look -- the impending cancellation of our favorite show on TV. We all knew it was coming; yet it's still such a shock. Anyway, to the point: For all of you out there thinking about letting this fantastic series die gracefully, don't give up now. We've saved this series before and, damn it; we'll do it again. There are lots of other networks out there and lots of sites where you can get addresses. Please don't send any angry mail, let's keep this civil. And everyone, don't forget the most important form of support: watch the show and encourage others to do the same. Let's show those Neilson bastards who wears the pants on the Sci-Fi Channel.

"Thanks" by weird_1@usa.net

I want to take this time and space to thank the Sci-Fi Channel for the few extra years we, as MSTies, got from them. Sure, I'm sorry to see the show leave the channel, as I thought it was a good fit for them. Like most of you, I'm gonna miss the show. But, if not for them, we would never have found out about Bobo, or Brain Guy. Oh, the fun!

So, despite the fact that I want the show to be here forever, I must in all fairness, thank them for what they have given us. So, hats off Sci-Fi Channel, I for one needed that.

But how about that final show? I have a twisted idea: how about "The Green Slime"? This is where the show started back at KTMA. How about everyone from the Mads, to TV's Frank, the KTMA 'Bots to Observer to MSTies gather for a 3 hour cast and fan free for all, with MST3K: The Home Game, and Caption This Challenge Part 2. Okay, so I dream about crazy things...

What do you think, sirs?

"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu

Well I'm sure we have all heard about the MST3K cancellation and we all had a good cry. But let me remind most of you that this not the time to get mad; this is the time to fight. So instead of wasting this article of complaining and yelling I'm going devote half of the time to remind us how tough we MSTies are. But in first half of this article I'm going talk about the Ohio Sci-Fi Film Festival in Pickerington. (I'm soooo going.) I just want to let you know that this is not complaining article; if you want read one, go somewhere else.

The first thing I want to talk about is the Ohio Sci-Fi Film Festival in Pickerington. It's happening April 10-11. I'm so excited to go. I can't wait to mingle with some other MSTies. If you're going, let me know. Maybe we could talk and meet up there.

Well like said, I was upset and mad when I heard the news about the cancellation. But it does no good to just sit and cry and point fingers about whose fault it is while this injustice happens. Now we have to wipe the tears away and fight. Yes, fight. Heck, we did it once and we can do it again. We all remember the heartache that CC put us through and we survived. Sure we might have lost some people who insisted that the CC days were better. But we gained some new MSTies, too.

We MSTies are tough. Not only do we have to fight to save MST3K, but sometimes we have to justify why we love it to each other. (Well least I do.) Most don't get why we MSTies love MST3K and enjoy this funny, intelligent show. I have run into a couple people who told me that MST3K is a stupid show and deserves to be cancelled. I ignore these people and go on with my life. I've also run into people who have never heard of show and I have to explain it to them. But I'm always willing to share it with people even if they don't care for MST3K when I do. It's something I love and treasure and I'll be d*mned if I'm going to sit around and just let it be cancelled.

I'm going to try my best to make sure it doesn't happen. Sure I might lose, but at least I'll know I fought. For the lost causes are best causes to fight for. (Thought I doubt this qualifies as a lost cause.) So if you know of any way I or anyone else can help or if you have done something major or minor to help out in this fight, let me know. Next month with the review of the new episode I'll give those who have helped out a big HI-KEEBA for their work. So let's go out there and give it to them.

"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com

Vol. 1 Issue 7
Candy is dandy, but... Why don’t we get drunk and spew?

There is a great tradition in the cinema, one that reaches as far back as those first few flickers of imagery on the walls of Thomas Edison's rumpus room. No, we are not talking about Al Jolson, burying his puffy Jewish puss under 18 layers of #15 India Ink and singing about his "Mammy," his "Dixie" and his "Racial Insensitivity." No, we are not discussing the Biblical saga, where a veritable trash bin lining of ex-stars make like famous heroes from the Dead Sea Scrolls, with questionable motivations and accents thrown in for our entertainment displeasure. We also are avoiding the whole Western genre. After all, how many times can you dissect and reinterpret the antihero, the proto-antaganist or the sight of Gabby Hayes, astride a sway backed reject from Elmers, moving slowly and rankly into the sunset, leaving little steaming piles behind like some sort of fecal version of Hansel and Gretel. The horse, I mean. I think.. I hope!
No, what are talking about is the substance abuse drama; the story of Scotch, the tale of tonic or the inebriated epic. It seems like every method and/or formula actor or actress worth their weight in tequila glass salt wants a crack at portraying someone on crack. To try and tackle the ins and black outs of intoxication. To focus all their sense memory and Oscar hopes on the art of falling apart. Why, you may ask? After all, you have seen your drunk Uncle Louie at family gatherings for as long as you have been cognizant of the word 'shame' and there is nothing noble in his vomit. There is very little worth savoring in his sour mash breath and blood vessel burst eyes and nose. And there is definitely something unsettling about the odor of failure and desperation pouring off him like body odor at a Lillith Fair Concert.
Still, every SAG member, Equity shill, or Summer Stock stage hand longs for the day when they can swig bottle after litre after carafe of warm iced tea or apple juice and proceed to act smashed, sloshed and, come to think of it, a lot like your 2nd grade teacher Mr. Phelps, who retired "early" after a mishap with the Bunsen burner and several hamsters your best friend Ernie brought in for show and tell. Even those 'actors' for whom the term means little more than their ability to maintain mobility find the need to toss back a few spirits and attempt slurred speech and awkward body contortions. And this is before the director yells "action."
As a public service, Better 'Bots and Satellites has decided to investigate this theme of dipsomania. Scanning the watering holes and dive bars of the MST catalog, an entire undercurrent of lushness can be uncovered. And we aren't talking about crushed velvet curtains or ankle thick avocado green shag carpet. Like a stream of unconsciousness, flowing and tippling among the rocks and high balls of the cinematic shores, there are literally a thousand mentions of magnums, several odes to Ouzo, an account or two of Anisette and many a spun yarn to Yaegermeister.
Films like 407 Killer Shrews and 507 I Accuse My Parents are entire celebrations of cordials (not vice-versa... I think). Booze in not only a prop in these drunken dramas, it sits right down at the micro mini-bar, soils the seat cover and becomes part of the dysfunctional family. In "Shrews," Ken Curtis (who played a character named after an infection in Gunsmoke), decided that his limp and fey ways on television were not enough to guarantee his place as an obscure reference to a trivia question in a trade paperback on unimportant character actors of the 60's. So he grabbed all his F.U. money and bellied right up to the motion picture saloon to pour himself a tall cool one. However, instead of a rarefied and civil libation, he came up with the hair of the rug covered dog that tried to bite him. After a long day being chased around the set by hyperactive collies hopped up on Mescaline and shrouded in 30 year-old molding carpet samples, there was not much left for him to do but book passage on the Cutty Sark and hope for smooth sipping ahead.
Or take 507 I Accuse My Parents. 'The Recipe' plays a role so important here that it deserves an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor (even though it really should have been nominated in the Best Actor category. It gets more screen time than the lying high school ersatz criminal we call the male lead). The slightest, tiny increment of plot acts as a catalyst for heart-felt toasts and the clinking together of glasses. Jimmy wins an essay contest? Time for a high ball. Jimmy's mom shows up to school "a little too happy," embarrassing the bejesus out of the United States of America? Time for a snifter of port. Dad shows up at home for his weekly banter, shower and ascot change? Time for a shot and a beer. Our hero kills a mobster, goes on the lamb from; (a) the law, (b) his puffy girlfriend and (c) his tab at the local cocktail lounge and ends up working for a chunky short order cook who makes him attend church and sleep in a cot near the grease trap? Time for a night cap, and another collect call to the organ donor line to see if that new liver is ready yet.
Unlike the moddled motifs used by the films above, other filmmakers have used alcohol to enhance, not overpower their thin narrative outings. Many a celluloid fable in the MST vault chooses to focus its depravity, to allow only one of its characters to be smitten with a thirst so powerful no water can quench it. Not even Gatorade. In films like 906 Space Children and 402 Giant Gila Monster, we are introduced to the drunk, the wino, the wet brain; a human potato with nothing more on his mind than a couple of six-packs and a lot of dead gray matter. Both films manage to encompass the two sides of the boozer, the yang and gin. so to speak. In the "Giant Gila," we see the comic potential in those inexplicably and physically addicted to hooch. As our happy go yucky gutter jockey stumbles onto the screen, rubs his gin blossomed nose and mixes single syllable words with saliva, you can hear the audience doubled over, rocking slowly in their seats to keep the urine from flowing out and over their lower torso. Apparently, those struck down by insobriety, those poor pathetic wretches who know no temperance are as hilarious as Moms Mabely, Pat Cooper or Tori Amos. From Barney Gumble to the Baldwin Sisters, from the plastered old bats in "Arsenic and Old Lace" to the stout British ale-ings of "Arthur" (stuck somewhere between the moon and New York City, and lets pray to God he stays there) our funny bones apparently find something really uproarious about licentiousness.
But there is a dark side to all this hilarious unhealth. Even in the sphere of the stoned, for every jester there must be a brute. Just as common as the happy, jovial inebriate is the angry, sullen sponge. In a motion picture DT like 906 Space Children, we get a first-hand account of the ire caused by Remi Martin, to witness a kind of panchromatic equivalent to spousal abuse. Russell Johnson (of 'and the rest' fame on Gilligan's Island), looking bitter and dejected (it appears he failed to get in on the back end of Sherwood Schwartz' syndication deal), or maybe just depressed that marijuana does nothing for him, unlike Bob Denver, brings to the screen a portrayal of violent alcoholism so morbid and disheartening it makes an album by Bauhaus resonate like the soundtrack to "Brigadoon." El Professore, pride destroyed by an emasculating wife and effeminate stepson, turns to his friends Jim and Jack (Beam and Daniels, respectively) and begins a long days journey beyond the wine and roses and into the nights of drunk tanks and multi-count indictments. Sadly, his character ends up just like his all knowing television doppleganger did; dead, bloated and washed up along a beach, rage barely diminished by his lack of vital signs, head swimming with thoughts of defilement and exasperation.
Now, not every film in the MST vault shows it hand so brazenly. There are a few who substitute seemingly benign and common place fluids in the stead of gigantic fifths of Seagrams or vats of Wild Turkey. Yet even in this subterfuge, they scream the same inexplicable message; overindulge! In 206 Ring of Terror, for example, we are forced to witness scenes of elbow bending so advanced and manic that Dylan Thomas would feel sober and ascetic by comparison. We are not, however, forced to witness the last liquored up life moments of some poor unfortunate. No sir, in "Ring," we get to see two incredibly fat and bloated lovers indulge in shakes, sodas, freezes, creams, malts, fizzes and wanton looks of sexual passion, both at the frozen dairy confections and at each other. Its almost as disgusting and disturbing as Mickey Roarke in "Barfly." Almost. If Brad Pitt hadn't killed him at the end of "Seven," the serial killer in that flick would have had a field day with these two. They are both so large that they would have to invent new deadly sins just so they could violate them. If they had been featured in that dark little dramatized derangement, they would have had to re-title it "Seven and a Half." Or maybe "Eight." Or maybe "Eat."
Or how about 311 It Conquered the Earth? Within the 87 minutes of this Attack of the Killer Gerkin, we witness the 1990's version of elixir excess time warped back to the 1950's. As a giant carrot and his flying omelet henchman swoop and poop on Lee Van Clef and Peter (one foot in the) Graves, more coffee is served, consumed, ground, perked, French pressed and espressoed than in Italy, Brazil and Juan Valdez's underpants. On average, the cast of "It" drinks their welter weight in Good Morning America, feels their jangled nerves fizzle fry and implode and then steadies their collective cup for another blast of Arabica power. If drama was java, this film would be filled to the rim with the rich taste of Brim, mountain grown and good to the last plot. Heck, they could open a Starbucks in Master Graves lower intestine, what with the caffeine blasting through it like a strip miner. On this pre/post- invasion planet Earth, Sanka is sacrilegious, Postum is not a potent potable and Taster's Choice is referred to by its scientific name; Warm Mule Wizz. And everyone takes it black, like their hearts.
Still, when forced to deal with the issues raised by those three weird sisters, Drambuie, Frangelica and Bacardi, several films opt for a more underhanded approach. Take 408 Hercules Unchained (or was that Uncaged... or Unintelligible). As our lumbering steroid bank moves like a robotic tree stump from one tacky set piece to another, he is given a potion which, temporarily, causes him to black out and forget the ones he loves and his goals in life. It is called wine, or the waters of forgetfulness, something like that. Or how about the 802 Leech Woman, for whom no aperitif is complete without a mixer. It just so happens that, instead of Schweppes Bitter Lemon or Snappy Tom Cocktail Mix, she prefers, the slimy gland juice that oozes from the brain stem after it has been perforated by a unstylish biker ring. Say yes, to Malfeasance and Rossi on the rocks.
In 812 Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, a seedy sideshow palm reader, who is able to see into the future about as well as she can affect a gypsy accent, determines that the only way distended businessmen will allow themselves to become subjects of her acid-in- the-face undead makeovers is to slip a mickey in their Alaskan Polar Bear Heater. Before you can say 'comatose,' the chemicals hydrogen, sulfur and oxygen react all over these bloated bozos, and begin to do what no amount of Aids Diet Candies or cans of Sego could ever accomplish; acre upon hectare of flesh begins to drip off these husky suckers. In 602 Invasion USA, the entire premise of the film is built upon the apparent hypnotic and hallucinogenic properties in a Rob Roy. As the strange man at the bar spins his tale of Communist takeover and world nuclear annihilation, he slowly swirls his neat Gimlet, served in what appears to be an oversized novelty eye wash cup. Apparently, just staring deep into this fiendish firewater for point three of a second will make you envision your overthrow by Russians, the incineration of millions and the develop an all encompassing desire to swig borscht.
This list could go on, growing as large as the goiter in Tor Johnson's neck. The sullen wife in 905 Deadly Bees, using intoxicants as a means of keep her from thinking of the dog's meat. Ross Hagen in 202 Sidehackers, determining that the best way to deal with the burning in his gut (damn chili peppers!) is to flood it with gallons of near beer. Or Zap Rozdower, the heavy drinking hero of 910 Final Sacrifice, for whom gettin' likkered up is a matter of national duty and pride. Playing loudly like your neighbors children within each of these non-abstinent legends is the same message, repeated over and over again like a song by Britney Spears. Don't eat, don't be merry, just drink. Yeah, you'll die tomorrow, but you'll save on the cost of the funeral as you will be pre-embalmed. Get whacked out on wowee sauce. Booze is good food, or as Dr. Clayton Forester once opined, "Enjoy booze today, because booze really heals."
So, what are you waiting for? The millennium? Your wedding anniversary? For you to reach the legal drinking age? Forget it. Indulge your sweat tooth and enjoy booze today. Make life a little queasier. The proof is in the proof. Invest in a home distillery and produce intoxicants from raisins and used Casper comics. Form your own MST 10-step program, because you would NEVER take the last 2 steps to being clean and sober. Don't wake and bake, just wake and intake! Remember, liquor is your friend, your only true friend. When the going gets tough, the tough get blotto. Grab a keg and start to parr-taay. What? Is BB&S really suggesting that people copy the lifestyles of the rich and painless? Absolute... ly. So come, let's celebrate with some Tranya! Remember, in space, no one can hear you heave.

"Yada, Yada, Yada..." by hamdingr@theworks.com

Right now, I'm typing this one-handed, because my other hand is pulling on a tug-of-war rope with my now infamous dog, Casey MITCHELL. He's growling. That means he likes it.
OK, he took it away from me, so now I have more hands to bring you, the reader, with the type of typing accuracy that's been expected from Suzanne Yada.
And now, on to my article. Caution: before you proceed, it's once again dealing with cancellation. So if you don't want to read more about it, skip all the way down to the next item.

(opinion type=mine rate=high)

Everybody's talking about... yeah, the cancellation. I've stated my opinion, and I'll state it again, with full-blown explanations and slight modifications.
I am more than perfectly willing to let the show rest in peace. And I stand by that statement. Let me explain.
I've been watching the show since seventh grade, and I'm a senior in high school now. I guess that bumps me up to the "veteran" category, even though I've never been around long enough to watch a Joel episode WHILE he was still on the show. Anyway, I have more tapes of episodes than I've ever had time to watch. I'd give some away, but 1) the tapes are not legally mine, they're my best friend Karen's, and 2) I'm selfish. They've done over 200 shows (including specials and the whole bit), and if that wasn't enough, I don't know what is.
Now I don't know about you, but I've tried riffing movies. I get tired of it after 5 movies. I know I'd get tired after about 200, EVEN IF you paid me wages. I am perfectly aware that BBI STILL WANTS to make the show. If they want to or if they don't, that's their decision. But it's my personal opinion that they should pull a "Seinfeld": stop while they're ahead.
I understand that people have just started watching MST3K. But what show doesn't add a new fan base after every season? When can we draw the line? I probably angered some newbies out there, but seriously. They've been going for 10 years. It can't go on forever, no matter how much you want it to. So when can they stop?
The Internet is a miracle. There are TONS of tapes traded EVERY DAY. Most of the time, the only money involved is just reimbursement. And there's about 200 to choose from, people! How can you possibly say that's not enough?
For people who've known MST for a while, you know that they've been on a rollercoaster of good and bad seasons. Right now, in my humble opinion, they're on an upswing. I don't want to see them go downhill again like the latter end of the sixth season, again in my humble opinion.
I love MST as much as the next guy. Well, ok, I have to admit that my infatuation with the show has worn off a bit over the... what is it, 5 years? But I still am passionate about it. It's still my favorite TV show. But I'm not going to be writing any stations... or calling, or e-mailing, or sending bombs to Sci-Fi or any of that. Fans need to realize that if you do that, you might be asking BBI to keep running on steam that might not even really be there, despite cries from BBI stating otherwise.
I say that we shouldn't over-exhaust already exhausted Brains. For a mind is a terrible thing to lose.


Dang it, now my dog fetched the rope and dropped it at my feet. I gotta go.

March MSTie of the Month: aloweecey@adelphia.net

Alice Loweecey, currently married with two kids under 8, telecommuting full-time from a minuscule corner of her spare room for a direct marketing company. Sounds quite average, doesn't it? At the tender age of five, my wonderful dad and I would sit up on Friday evenings and watch terrific grade-B (or lower) monster movies. (Black-and-white goes without saying... they didn't have color TV yet!) By the time I was a teenager, he and I were hiding food in the car trunk and taking in all-night, five-feature drive-in movies. This is not your Ozzie and Harriet childhood.

For the plot twist, at the age of 18 I joined the convent. See what 12 years of Catholic school education will do to your mind? By all rights, I should've been inventing a better robotic maid in science lab. We continued a great tradition, though, and in full habit (that means black veil and very- high-collared long black dress, with sensible (read: ugly) black shoes) he and I continued to take in sci-fi at the theaters. The spectacle of the two of us coming out of an early showing of "Deadly Blessings" instantly silenced an entire crowd waiting in the lobby for the late showing!

Moving on... four years later, having kicked the habit and graduated college simultaneously, I went on to play prostitutes on the local amateur theater stages. My future husband rescued me from this life of tiny audiences and mediocre parts by marrying me and whisking me off to Buffalo, New York. I returned the favor by corrupting his computer-driven mind into watching old John Agar and Boris Karloff movies. Now he looks forward to MST3K almost as much as I do. Has anyone else noticed it gets funnier the more tired you are from a long day working & kid wrangling?

So of course, my sweet children are already being initiated into the joys of black-and-white kitsch. Long live James Whale!

MST3K Trivia Winners

Trivia is back after a long hiatus following the re-disappearance of our old Triviamaster. Oh, well. On with the Q&A results!

Q: 50. In the special issue of "Request" magazine advertising the Beatles Anthology 3, why did Mike say the Beatles broke up?
Submitted by: Servo T.
A: Because Ringo sang.
Winner: Nobody got it during the several months it was up. Way to stump 'em!

Q: 54. What would Russia rename London if they crept in the back door?
Submitted by: Locdog07.
A: Krushevgraud.
Winner: Uh, okay... Is this from MST, Locdog? Oh, well. No winner.

Q: 56. What happened to Frank when he sang the happy thoughts song?
Submitted by: Tiger 8970.
A: He got blown up by a grenade.
Winner: S0LCrow.

Q: 57. What was the name of the good for nothing, ex-cult memeber "hero" in Final Sacrifice?
Submitted by: Road Monkee.
A: Zap Rowsdower.
Winner: Matt E. Merso was the first to spell "Rowsdower" correctly.

Q: 58. Finish this phrase: "Mike, I'm gonna grab a step ladder so you can _______________."
Submitted by: Proferes.
A: Jump up my butt.
Winner: Perennial trivia victor, Atog554.

Q: 59. What is Servo's middle name?
Submitted by: Jkr Potato.
A: Neval.
Winner: Calvin Crowe.

Q: 60. What is Tom's PIN number in 912?
Submitted by: Jkr Potato.
A: [Classified]
Winner: No winner as of yet!

Q: 61. In 303, what was "Movie A"?
Submitted by: Dragonfly_227.
A: The Hunters.
Winner: Locdog07.

Q: 62. Who does Pearl name Crow after?
Submitted by: AJ Nowick.
A: Art Carney.
Winner: Former Jeopardy!-esque MST3K Trivia champion, Atog554.

Q: 63. Who was Professor Bobo's assistant?
Submitted by: AJ Nowick.
A: Dr. Peanut.
Winner: MG MST3K.

That's it for this month's round of Q&A. Be sure to send in your own original, tricky questions for your fellow MSTies to answer... And be quick to the draw when new ones are posted!
Now would be a great time to remind everyone that a new game of Jeopardy!- esque MST3K Trivia starts on April 1st, so review your trivia knowledge and check out the new password system in the meantime. Round 1 will run through April, Round 2 in May, and the Final Round during the first two weeks of June. All of the regular rules on the TV game show Jeopardy! will apply. And once again, the winner after this three-month game will be awarded the Rhino MST tape of their choice. Good luck!

April MST3K Schedule on SFC

North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
04/03/99 - 11:00 am - [0907] Hobgoblins
04/04/99 - 11:00 pm - [0907] Hobgoblins
04/10/99 - 11:00 pm - [0913] Quest of the Delta Knights
04/11/99 - 11:00 pm - [1001] Soultaker
04/17/99 - 11:00 am - [1001] Soultaker
04/18/99 - 11:00 pm - [1002] Girl in Gold Boots
04/24/99 - 11:00 am - [1002] Girl in Gold Boots
04/25/99 - 11:00 pm - [1004] Future War

Europe and Africa
{All times are Greenwich and very tentative}
06/04/99 - 24.00 - [807] Terror from the Year 5000
07/04/99 - 14.00 - [807] Terror from the Year 5000
13/04/99 - 24.00 - [808] She Creature
14/04/99 - 14.00 - [808] She Creature
20/04/99 - 24.00 - [809] I Was a Teenage Werewolf
21/04/99 - 14.00 - [809] I Was a Teenage Werewolf
27/04/99 - 24.00 - [812] Incredibly Strange Creatures
28/04/99 - 14.00 - [812] Incredibly Strange Creatures

Classifieds 3000

GypsyJr512@aol.com writes: "NAME: MST-O-Rama:Gypsy Jr's MST Website. URL: http://members.aol.com/gypsyjr512/mst_o_rm.htm. DESCRIPTION: A tiny, miniscule, yet growing MST site. We currently have MST fanfiction, links and info for your perusal. Coming soon: The Many Lives of Crow T. Robot (featuring the Bill Corbett Approval Club), The Obscure Cable TV Show Hosts page (featuring info on Joel and Mike, as well as Talk Soup host John Henson), and Mystery Red Dwarf 3000, the web's first interactive crossover MSTing/fan fiction. Come on in and check it out, and remember to sign the guestbook!"

hamdingr@theworks.com writes: "We're going to be changing ISPs soon, so I'm probably going to move AADGKA Links to another server. Which means that everyone will need to update the links as soon as I find out what the new address is. Speak of the devil, I know AADGKA Links hasn't been updated lately. I wish I had some legitimate excuse. I'm just a slacker. I know, I know. Wanted: a reviewer for AADGKA Links, just to help me out as I rigorously update the site in recent weeks. Please contact me at hamdingr@theworks.com."


All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar, clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written consent of the author.

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1999 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees. "Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

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"I don't go to the John without a work order!"

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