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SOL Post 26 10/15/98
SOL Post 25 09/15/98
SOL Post 24 08/15/98


Volume 25 - http://www.mindspring.com/~mstanon/ - September 1998
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence


In This Issue

From the Poobah
"Adam's Views and Observations" by bozarth@adams.net
"Street Fighter: The Movie" by kikesol@coqui.net
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
"A Day at the Zoo" by weird_1@usa.net
"It Must Be Said and it Must Be Read!" by gizmonics@juno.com
"Call Me Ishmael" by BobIshmael@prodigy.net
"Jenny for Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
"The Ultimate Ranter" by gherity@tcfreenet.org
"You Don't Know Brak" by hamdingr@theworks.com
Septober MSTie of the Month: mstanon@msties.com
MST3K Trivia Winners
October MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000

From the Poobah

It's me again. I'm back. How was everybody's summer? Aside from the tour of Best Brains, mine was crappy. Oh, well. As for the site, you can expect a re- vamp of the Members' Forum within the coming weeks. It'll be more interactive, and user-friendly. You'll see. There will also be a bunch of huge updates each section as time permits. Hey, there's even an off chance of getting a domain name and a slight redesign. Anyway, my Tom Servo replica is progressing nicely. It should be done before Halloween, I promise. On that note, be sure to send in pictures of your very own 'Bots and MST Halloween costumes for the site! You know you want to.
Following the example of "MMMMMMMM" by JD Zarnst, this section of the newsletter will be opened up to questions from readers. Putting "Letters" in the topic, you can ask about anything from the site to obscure references to live experiences to 'Bot building... Just so long as it's related to MST and not covered in the current trivia game. I'll pass your questions on to the staff for the most comprehensive answers available. And if that's not enough, readers can always add their own two cents in subsequent issues. Sound good?
Now here's the third consecutive controversy-packed SOL Post!

"Adam's Views and Observations" by bozarth@adams.net

Don't Ruin It

Before I get to the article, I got this info on "The Gizmonics Enigma." Richard K. Nelson wrote: "To be honest, I read in Joel's Newsletter (www.gizmonics.com) that he said he DID allow BBI to continue to use the Gizmonics name and logo after he left for the show's purposes. However, BBI decided... that they didn't really need it and changed the logos on the Mads' outfits to 'Deep 13' and rewrote the theme song. Oh! And the Techtronic Panel got a whole new look, too."
Well, I'm sorry! Anyway back to the article.

MST3K is a great show. Doi! But even the greatest shows can be ruined by a select few. Let me explain. Like Mike I have a theater career (the difference is mine isn't as impressive). Well, my recent show, New Clothes for the Emperor, a really good show, had a kid cast in the show by the name of (shudder) Andrew Lawrence (no not THE Andrew Lawrence). Unfortunately, this evil hybrid (an understatement, believe me) had seen a cast favorite, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, one too many times. At first we enjoyed exchanging lines, but that didn't last long. He went psycho about it. He would reenact scenes ALL the time, especially the Black Knight scene, and went totally nuts. Still not convinced? Okey-dokey. First I brought up this joke that when R- rated movies are on TV, the curses are bleeped out with someone else's voice and the mouth moves differently. As an example, I'll shove this up your NOSE! See, it's fun. Andrew heard this and thought it was the funniest thing ever. So funny, that if you walk in the dressing room you wouldn't go 5 seconds without hearing Andrew going, "Hey, you know when R-rated movies are on TV..." This would have gone on for about an hour until I quoted Mike by saying, "You know, Andrew, you sat a stool by that premise and MILKED it for all you got. Moo." Andrew was unfazed by this and continued until we threatened death. I'm kidding, of course. We promised to kill his dog.
Now, you're reading this saying, "This doesn't apply to me." It does. If you want to get someone to watch the show, don't explain a show to them. Lend them a tape. Then tell them when it's on and what channel. And exchange riffs. That's the kind of fan you should be. Not some freak that recites lines ALL day. If you do no one will watch it. Because if they do, they know you'll be there to asking, "Didja watch Mystery Science Theater? Huh? Huh? HUH?" And if you do, Shame on you. So take my advice, (and call me on Monday, heh heh) and don't ruin the show. Trust me! And PULL THE STRING!!! PULL THE STRING!!!

Bozarth, your new Triviamaster.

BTW, after being named MSTie of the Month, in which I said I had all the tapes except Brain that Couldn't Die; I bought it the same day. Good for me.

"Street Fighter: The Movie" by kikesol@coqui.net

If I had to pick a MSTable movie based on a video game, I would have to pick Super Mario Bros. or this one. While most Street Fighter games rate from average (Super Street Fighter II) to awesome (Street Fighter Alpha 2), this film has got to be the worst film based on a video game next to Super Mario Bros. and Mortal Kombat Annihilation. This movie stars Jean Claude Van Damme as Guile and the late Raul Julia who dies after the filming of this cinema (Raul Julia is better know to MSTies as Aram Fingal on Overdrawn at the Memory Bank) as Major Bison. While MKA was worse, it least it tries to be accurate to the Mortal Kombat games (even thought they failed most of the time). This movie tries to be different from the game in just about every aspect of its story line. (Since when were Charlie and Blanka the same person? And since when did Balrog (AKA Mike Bison in Japan) leave Shadoloo and became a camera man?). There are soooooooooo many differences between the game's story line and the movie's that I could write a whole article relating to this, but I want to keep this one short.
The movie deals with former US Army veteran Guile against Major Bison (AKA Vega in Japan) instead of the lives of the Shotokan Duo (Ryu and Ken). The casting is just horrible. Whoever thought that Kylie Minogue would have made a perfect Cammy has obviously never played a game of Street Fighter in his/her life. Cammy is supposed to be 19-year old spy, not 30 something. Though Kylie might be British and blonde like Cammy, she was too old for the part. And the Ken Masters of this cinema doesn't look like any Ken Masters that I know; the only decent casting was Zangief (who didn't play a major role in the movie).
The acting is equally horrible. It is filled with one-liners and is either overdramatic or nothing at all. The story line, like I said, is very different from the game and is too dumb. The story line is like this: Major Bison and his army called Shadoloo have taken hostages and is making them into guinea pigs for his experiments. Then Guile (whose friend Carlos "Charlie" Blanka was captured by Shadoloo and is the first victim of Bison's project) recruits the world's greatest soldiers to stage a war against Shadoloo. The plot has no street fighting at all (unlike the game) and nothing really happens until the end of the film. There is an additional character called Captain Sawada (played by Kenya Sawada) but he adds nothing to the plot and he is just there for no reason at all.
The special effects are very cheap, the filming is too dark, the music is non-existent, the ending credits have a very lame, and not funny news radio reporter with a goofy voice who adds humiliating jokes. After the credits we get to see a scene in which Bison is resurrected and tries to take over the world once again, but thankfully Street Fighter fans don't have to suffer another humiliating experience like this one.
This movie is a sacrilege to all fans of the Street Fighter games. If you want a MSTable movie based on a video game then this film is great for you (next to the Super Mario Bros. and Mortal Kombat Annihilation). But if you want a good film based on Street Fighter then skip this POS and get yourself the Japanese Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie. (This is NOT a sequel to Street Fighter: The Movie. The reason why is called Street Fighter II is because that is the name the Street Fighter game both film are based on.)

"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com

Time once again for my MST3K worthy film picks.

Zombie (1979)
This is another typical zombie flick. It is pretty bloody and disgusting but still extremely cheesy. Not for squeamish types, although the blood looks like really watered down jelly.

Night of the Living Dead (1990)
Don't worry this is only the lame remake of the great classic. I haven't seen this one in a loooong time and I'm in college so I don't have as much access to bad films right now. If my memory serves me correctly this is how it goes. Some teen punks decide to get out of a rainstorm. Someone gets killed and they place his body in a radioactive waste barrel. A little while later the murdered guy's corpse comes back to life, big surprise. The fumes from the now leaky canister affect a bunch of science cadavers brining them to life. One of the bizarre sights in this scene is the reanimated half cadaver (where the corpse is slit up the middle so that the inside can be seen and studied by students) of a Scotty dog. They kill a few of the reanimated cadavers and cremate them, seeding the clouds raining the toxic material down on a graveyard. You can predict what happens next.

"A Day at the Zoo" by weird_1@usa.net

I live in Green Bay. It is a nice town but in some ways it can stand a little growing up. One of the ways that my hometown needs to improve is the zoo. The zoo has gotten better, but for my money, the Milwaukee Zoo is WAY better.
So I tell my wife "Let's take our grand daughter to the Milwaukee Zoo! She thinks that this is a sound idea. So we load Alex into the car and drive the two-hour drive to the zoo.
After we park my purple Escort in the lot, as usual, I need to "Powder My Nose," so I take the grand daughter into the lobby to use the plumbing; and there it was all red and tall, gleaming in the light.
Now I know that most of you have seen then, those large as life gumball machines, standing as a free ad for my favorite show... I know what I see when I see the big red gumball machine and so did my grand daughter, and she let everyone within earshot know just what see saw...
The sound of her voice filled the room.
I have been watching the show with the child on my lap, she likes the music, and besides me, she is the only other person around this joint that will watch the show with me.
After the "Washroom Event" (my Wife's words) we wondered on over to the monkey house. I think you fine folks can figure out what came next...
"Bobo," a tiny girl's voice blasted through the house. Every monkey or ape of any size, color, or type was "Bobo."
As parents and grandparents, we often wonder if any thing we say or do will ever have any influence on our children.
For one short, proud day, I had my answer.
I have never been so proud.

"It Must Be Said and it Must Be Read!" by gizmonics@juno.com

Well, I read your reply to my article in SOL Post 24 again and again and again... You might think I was simply bored, but the fact is I was simply waiting for my mind to clear to reply in a non-hostile fashion. Something that saddened me about your article is that you couldn't find anything positive to say about anyone's articles in SOL Post 23. It seems the only people who escaped unscathed were Jenny Erdahl ("Jenny for Your Thoughts") and the Poobah himself. Don't think I don't agree with you on some points that you made in that article, because I do! The article about "Should BBI...?" was somewhat off base, and there was an unfair generalization made there. I was going to agree with you on more points, but after a little research (very little indeed), I realized that you misinterpreted several of these articles, if not all. Allow me to demonstrate, starting with my own, "A Farewell Tribute to MST3K..."
To agree with you (partially), I didn't do a terrific job on my Final Episode story line. I would also like to point out that the article's focus was not on the finale, but on the extras supporting the final episode (the marathon, the orchestrated Love Theme, etc.). As I neared completion, however, I realized that the article just kind of "tip-toed" around the content of the final episode, and felt a need to address it. So, in truth, the plot was something of a half-hearted attempt, but not as poorly planned as you seemed to imply.
You made something of a bias yourself in reviewing the article: assuming that because Joel dons the role of a judge, he is almost automatically "vindictive." And who says Joel couldn't have earned the money to make it back to America? Come to think of it, you put those two ideas into one sentence (to quote, "That is not that great of an idea, I mean Joel landed in the Australian Outback, and it's not like he could ever be vindictive..."). It makes no sense, seeing as how the two ideas have no connection and come dangerously close to contradicting each other. To elaborate, a mad scientist on Earth shot Joel into space for 5.5 years. Wouldn't you want to at least cause a little pain for a guy that has made you suffer for such a long time? Joel is (was) only human, after all.
Sorry if I'm sounding like I'm coming down on you too hard over such an insignificant thing as a newsletter article, but perhaps you should consider the same for those you criticized so harshly last time. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was the line, "...I put a little thought, logic, and continuity into [an MST3K episode I once wrote]. Maybe you should try doing the same." I found a few things wrong with this line:

  1. If I *had* spent a lot of time writing that article, wouldn't that be more of an insult that anything?
  2. Since when did ANY episode of MST3K require any sort of continuity or logic? Proof: The conclusion of 906 Space Children was a rocket heading straight for Castle Forrester and exploding, while in the intro to 907 Hobgoblins, the Castle and all residents are in fine working order (with no explanation at all!). You ripped on gherity@tcfreenet.org for not just thinking, "it's just a show" and relaxing (as he was the "ONLY ONE" who cared about how his favorite show treated a favorite foreign country). Then you turn around to tear my throat out for writing an MST3K script with a plot hole or two? Did I miss something here?
  3. Though I did not quote it directly, the part that spoke of a "good episode" which you came up with, was somewhat irrelevant. So what if you wrote your own MST episode? The person rating your script was you, so I don't understand how that comparison is fair. "I wrote a script and I think it's better than yours is, and that counts as proof, so there!"? I'd like to see conjecture like that hold up in *any* courtroom. Okay, now I must do my duty to the others who were unrightfully bashed in your article. (Feel lucky, it's no longer personal...)
In defense of "The Poison Pen" by gherity@tcfreenet.org:
Did you even read the article? I believe that this fellow (Thomas Gherity, I'll call him "Tom" for our purposes) was *agreeing* with what Mike and the 'Bots were saying in "Invasion of the Neptune Men." He did, however, admit a previous anger towards the light-hearted, yet still painful, anti-Japan commentary rampant throughout the episode. Note that this anger was from, yes, a while ago... like *last year*. If you'd been paying more attention to the article, you would have figured that out by now! The poor guy got over it, and realized that it was "just a show" and that he should "really just relax," hence the *positive* commentary in the article, and his reference to "almost" resigning his membership... in past tense. Let's move on...

In defense of "Should the Brains Create a New Series?" by servo65@hotmail.com:
To quote you, Mister Mental: "You cannot generalize and say that something that JOEL made went bad, in YOUR opinion, and that Season 8 was bad in YOUR opinion and say that whatever the Brains create will be crud." I'm still trying to figure out your original meaning when you typed this sentence up. To sum up a lot of what I could say about your faulty review, I must point out that the key word here is *opinion*, for that is, essentially, what Servo65's article was. In his OPINION, Season 8 was, for the most part, a failure and quite uninspired. In his OPINION, Joel's "TV Wheel" special was unfunny and not worth the effort. In his OPINION, (I'm pretty sure I have this right) BBI should continue to push their efforts on MST3K and not pursue an area (separate TV shows) that has yet to be successfully tapped by a Brain, departed or otherwise. Because Joel failed, he *may* be afraid that the same failure could happen to BBI and disgrace them. I hope you read garonma@email.uc.edu's article on this topic, because his reply sure made a lot more sense.

In defense of the 80's: It's about time SOMEBODY did!

In defense of "Adam's Views and Observations" by bozarth@adams.net:
True, I'm sure Joel is still raking in some cash for the present airing of MST3K, but through a little research (www.gizmonics.com), I discovered that Joel did NOT just "take Gizmonics with him" when he left. He actually allowed BBI to continue using the name/logo for the show's purposes, but its discontinuation was executed by the Brains who remained, not by Joel who thought he might "find it convenient to have it" at some point in the future.
About the white streak, I know that I was interested to read about that, because I didn't notice it the first time around. That makes one person who cares if she has a white streak, and I say, "WHO CARES" if she married into the family! The logic you gave there escaped me somehow...

In conclusion, I must rationalize that this article was written when you were either mad or tired. Suggestions for next time: get ample rest and study harder before making hypocritical or just plain inaccurate accusations.
As a final irony about that article, I believe you said it best, Mr. Mental: "I mean if the movie stinks just don't write it. But I digress." As do I.

"Call Me Ishmael" by BobIshmael@prodigy.net

A Conspiracy in our MidST

Greetings, fellow MSTies. I come with grim tidings today. You see, I believe I have uncovered a conspiracy of X-Files proportions! As you may have noticed in last night's episode (807 Terror from the Year 5000, a terrific episode with some lovely acting) when "Mike" sang "When I Held Your Brain in My Arms" he sounded remarkably like Kevin Murphy.
At first, I shrugged this off as my ears playing tricks on me. But as I continued listening, it came to my attention that my ears were not to blame. That WAS Kevin's voice coming from Mike's skull. I decided to probe into this deeper, I what I found shocked me to the marrow.
KEVIN HAS KILLED MIKE! Let me elaborate.
I believe Kevin has used some sort of brain-transference device to steal Mike's body and take over the position of head writer, more on that later.
You may say "What is wrong with you?! If Kevin stole Mike's body, he'd have the voice of Mike. You idiot!" HA! There is a simple answer to that..."Shut up." That shows how little you know of the science behind mind-transference. Haven't you ever seen that episode of The Tick? Everybody's voice stayed the same no matter which body they possessed. Who's the idiot now?
Back to Kevin and Mike! Kevin and Mike have always had little spats, arguments, and fights behind the scenes. When confronted with this accusation, one BBI employee was quoted as saying, "Get away from me! Security!" Obviously, Kevin has gotten to them first! Kevin has taken over the position of head writer to eventually control all of BBI, then make BBI into multi- billion dollar industry, and then control the world!
Some may say, "There are giant gaping holes in this conspiracy theory of yours, you moron!" I respond, "Shut up." This is a friggin' conspiracy THEORY! Get off my back already! Einstein didn't invent the light bulb in one shot, it took centuries!
Anywho, frightening isn't it? We must stop Kevin Murphy before it's too late!
-Bob Ishmael, signing off...

[Legal crap: This article was written out of love to all of BBI, and especially Mr. Nelson and Mr. Murphy. This was not intended to be an insult or anything else, except love and respect, to Mike and Kevin or the rest of BBI. This article is ENTIRELY fiction and was written by a lunatic... so please don't sue me.]

"Jenny for Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu

Well I just got back from my trip from Minnesota. I spent most of the trip visiting relatives and celebrating my grandparents' 50th anniversary. I didn't get to take a studio tour at BBI because on the day I could have gone they were taping. The closest I got was passing a sign to Hopkins (where the road was closed). So I blew a kiss and said Hi-Keeba. It was the best I could do.

It made me wish that there were a ConventioCon this year. Not only to see the gang at MST3K but hang with some other MSTies. See where I live there are no people (beside the people I have converted) who like or have seen MST3K. At college it's worst. There are no MSTies. I mean it's great converting people but I wish I didn't always have worry if person will like the show or episode I picked. Without worrying about a new episode being funny enough or them not liking something that another person would like. I'd like to just sit back, relax, watch and not to have explain the whole show history or concept to someone.

I do talk to other MSTies online but that sometimes is not enough. I remember back at ConventioCon where bunch MSTies got together and watch MST3K episodes in small room. To hear people laugh at different jokes was great. To know that somebody got that joke you laughed at. To know someone had same sense of humor and is as or more obsessed with MST3K as you. To know you're not the only one.

To wrap it up if you have friends, family, or gang who are MSTies that watch MST3K with you, then you are very lucky. Get on your knees and thank God that you got some other MSTie to hang with, to talk about your favorite segment or bit, or just talk. For MSTies who have MSTies are the luckiest MSTies in the world.

"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com

Volume 1 - Issue 2
Space Age Dance Party: It's Time to Rock and Roll With the SOL!

"Do you like music? Sure, everyone says they do," and just like Talking Head David Byrne laments in his film True Stories there is a definite challenge when it comes to picking the proper tunes for a party. It can sometimes be as difficult as a Tor Johnson close-up. Or the wrong melody can have the crowd screaming for the exit faster than a Coleman Francis jump cut. What do you play? What will get the party started? What funky beat will get the toes tapping and the booties hopping? Whose silken vocals will make the ladies swoon and the men spoon? Is there a ballad to the value of health and nutrition?
Well, here at Better 'Bots and Satellites we have scoured the MST catalog for only those musical expressions that truly exemplify MST3K - that mind numbing, intelligence baffling attempt by the inept to be hip. From slap bass atrocities to miniature banjo induced trauma, we present, in an episode by episode breakdown, the greatest hits of MST - a regular Space Age Dance Party - filled with that popular rock and troll that the kids find so gosh darn appealing. So, load the tape deck as we begin with...

Episode 514 Teenage Strangler
"Yipes Stripes" - We start with a puzzling song for the truly insane - from the singers brazen intro promising "Norwegian Wood" as sung by a folk hippie trio - the song deconstructs into a regular episode of CNN Style with Elsa Klench, as the lyrics describe, in vivid detail, the benefits of vertical clothing. With its clodhopper beat and a vocal sound reminiscent of a yipping Chihuahua, this little ditty should get even the most permanently affixed wallflower up and vomiting.

Episode 415 Beatniks
"Sideburns Don't Need Your Sympathy" - Inanimate objects, by their very nature, do not make great centerpieces for musical expression, but leave it to the hero of this film to populate his colorless tune with all manner of lifeless subjects, like leather coats... hair... groovy chicks. But not EVERYTHING is immovable in this moribund little feast. Through his uncanny lack of meter and metaphor, he manages to figure out a way to make Brune Hilda-ish diner cook move like Twyla Tharp. The obvious question is why would you WANT to?
"With a Look" - As the lone instrumentalist slowly worms his way around the melody like a swollen ankle, our hero focuses his droopy gaze on the mono- chromatic heroine and proceeds to vow his undying love, all the while belting out a ballad with all the style and grace of a post-iceberg Titanic. How do your recognize mediocre talent? With a listen AND a look.
"Anything Your Little Heart Desires" - like Chinese water torture, the piano bangs away until it melts your cerebellum... and that is before the music begins. As the tune chugalugs along to its limp conclusion, the entire audience understands what their little heart desires... the singer's death!
"Love is a Thief" - This is pseudo-Sinatra at its worst. You can almost smell the Rat Pack droppings in the oily delivery and truck length pauses of our delinquent gang member of a hero as he approaches the microphone like a subpoena. By the end, not only has he convinced us of the criminal aspects of love, but we believe that when this song was written, a number of crimes were committed, most of them of the hate variety.

Episode 402 Giant Gila Monster
"I Sing Whenever I Sing" - Trent Reznor only WISHES he was this industrial. Over a throbbing, stomping sledgehammer to car fender (off) beat, our hero bleats out a rap-like series of rhymes all centered on the word sing... Ring, bring, ding-a-ling, yearling, copper tubing, Aaron Spelling... and then has the audacity to challenge the listener to run as he smashes metal to metal and talks about the way his baby "swings" - Marilyn Manson on his most Satanic day could not conjure up a more frightening image.
"Laugh Children Laugh" - The Lord God Himself must be waiting for the singer of this song to die so that he can press the Express Elevator to Hell button himself. Starting with the dissonant plunk of a frying pan-sized banjo, and telling the tale of a sad little mushroom and its trials and tribulations, the lyric expresses the desire of the Lord to let the little children laugh, probably at the joke He calls Life. And only our whisper thin hero could make Tiny Tim seem butch!

Episode 506 Eegah!
"Vicki" - With a backing vocal clearly inspired by the shrill wail of a banshee, guitar chords out of an ancient Close and Play, and a lyric which confirms our hero's status as A) a fool, B) a fool, and C) a fool, Vicki tantalizes the listener with its hyena yelp vocals and its nonsensical time changes. The fact that the performance by Arch Hall Jr. appears to be leading our heroine to take her own life via drowning seems to be a very good indication of what they song does to us normal humans.
"Valerie" - A song which centers on the obvious LACK of material goods that the singer possess. Nothing drives the girls wilder than silly, bucktoothed whistling, lamentations on your rather slim financial footing and the value of a balanced diet. Where else would lyrics like "vitamins are good they say and so is a calorie..." be considered a come on? And by the way, if I gave you a billion dollars, would you just go away?
"The House on Brownsville Road" - A take on that chestnut of the rock catalog, the horror novelty song. But in this case, the most horrifying thing about the tune is the overripe, cherub from Hell, face of Mr. Hall Jr. He could be describing the seventh level of Purgatory, and until you see his dull, lifeless deadeyes, you will never understand the true meaning of evil. "Turn to the left at the sign of the Toad?" As Arch Hall Sr. put it, 'I heard it son, I didn't say I understood it, but I heard it.'

Episode 307 Daddy-O
"Rock Candy Baby" - Never before has a song about something so sweet seemed so icky and sour. Dick Contino's face seems less likely to emote and more likely to open beer bottles. He grinds his lower teeth as if he were eating a 2 year old Milk Dud that was lodged in his molars. And when he smiles his natural smarm oozes out and all over his high pants. And what's with the multiple false endings? It almost as if he knew how painful he and the song were and decides to elongate the pain. Sadist!
"Angel Eyes" - It is hard for us to imagine our intrepid singer looking ANYWHERE near a woman's eyes, let alone find time to consider them angelic. And yet he enters into a truly Rawlsian discussion of the dichotomy between good and evil, pointing to the devil in those angel eyes. One ponders if he would have preferred to find limbo in those eyes. Or maybe Mt. Olympus... Valhalla anyone?
"Wait Till I Get You Home" - More of a threat than a song, this is an example of attitude and coercion substituting for melody and rhythm. The lyrics focus on the time honored rock and roll traditions of spousal abuse and date rape, and in the end, it is clear that, instead of good loving, an autopsy might be in order after these two get together.

Episode 204 Catalina Caper
"Scuba Party" - Something about a black R&B genius like Little Richard singing to a group of the Aryan race über-teens about scuba diving that just boggles the mind. Who made this decision? What brainchild determined that, when looking for artists to perform a song about a tropical sport, the Georgia Peach himself could add some sort of insight, having been the son of a poor black sharecropper.
"The Book of Love" - Contorting herself into a variety of pretzel-like shapes and polymorphous blobs, the faceless singer of this song tries to express the inner most wants and desires of men and women while presenting what appears to be a rather confusing dissertation on the issue of copyright law. One word of advise: attempting to determine, on the merits, who indeed WROTE the book of love is a matter best left to the judicial system, not to hopped up teens in bikinis and dickeys.
"Now I Know" - No, Mr. Goldblum, taking dinosaurs off Site B was not the worst idea in the history of bad ideas... this was. And it is made WORSE in the execution. A group of middle aged, balding men, dressed in windbreakers in the middle of the summer and singing like the Dave Clark Five, only there is not a single Dave Clark in sight and there are 6. Or maybe there are 5 and it just seems like more...more balding pates, more hideous off kilter harmony, more fake British invasion silliness. Note to drummer; you cannot get hot beach bunnies with a combover.

Episode 905 Deadly Bees
"Stop the Music!" - Looking like a deer in the headlights, and wearing its pelt on her head, the heroine of this film reminds us that London in the Sixties may have indeed been swinging, but it seems to have swung past her and her backing band. Sounding like a third rate Petula Clark and harkening back to the uncool, pre-Beatles England, the song makes the convincing argument that the music, her music the very music we are listening to should be stopped. Never has a lyric spoke more truth.

Episode 507 I Accuse My Parents
"Are You Happy in Your Work?"- Is anyone? I mean, the question begs the answer. Work is by its very definition toil and struggle, and I don't recall the last time Mr. Happiness visited that conceptual address. Oh, but LOVE, the singer squawks at us, LOVE will make us happy in our work. OK, so not only do we work hard for little pay and even littler respect, but then we need to go out and either A) commit sexual harassment or B) pay for this so called love in order to be happy in our work... Which by its very nature cannot be a pleasant experience, otherwise it would not be work, and... My head hurts...
"Love Came Between Us" - The scene, a smoky barnyard nightclub, your liar boy toy of a lover and your drug running mob boss sugar daddy are in the audience, both shooting daggers at each other. As a hay bale stands to your left, you begin to pour your heart out like so many fifths of gin. And not a drop of tonic to be seen... In the end, what does it get you? A broken heart and a one way ticket to a court hearing because violence is the only way out for a girl like you - the only way. Meal ticket daddy is dead, boy-toy floated up the river, and you realize that booze is the only thing that will heal those wounds. So you hit the sauce pretty heavy and take jobs in two-bit dives where the men are bitter and hard and the women painted up and cheap. Soon, night is no longer restful and you feel tired all the time. Breath comes heavy and the 3 packs of cigarettes a day only make it worse. The end is looming. You start to read Sylvia Plath and time loses all meaning. One day you can no longer take it. You desperately need to end the pain. So, you find the half- baked idiot of a director who put you in that lousy piece of crap movie singing that stupid song and beat him with a stick. Then you make a comeback. After rehab.

Episode 303 Pod People
"Burning Rubber Tires" - Heart pumping, foot stomping, finger popping and hand clapping are nowhere to be found in this odd little poot of a song. When the artist thinks 'it stinks' you know you are in trouble. And what's with the backup singers? They move more than squatters avoiding the rightful owner do. The next time you 'hear the engines roar,' pray that the lead singer is in your headlights.

And there you have it: a virtual Nazi party tape, filled with enough anguish and despair to having you questioning the very existence of your own soul. Plus, most of the songs are really cool, with a hip beat that is easy to dance to. And what partygoer would pass up the opportunity to smooch it up while Arch Hall Jr. or Dick Contino practice their own unique brand of vocal reverse peristalsis. So, bring on the Grain punch! Smear dog food on the stale snack crackers. Light incense, candles and signal fires and party like it's 1939. Just don't invite me.

"The Ultimate Ranter" by gherity@tcfreenet.org

First things first, a response to MstrMental's article...
Don't attack the writer SO personally! I AM AN MST3K fan! I have been since the KTMA days when it FIRST came out!!! (And I'm 21 fer cryin' out loud! I've been raised on it!) Don't flame those you don't know ANYTHING ABOUT!!!

Next up: pop culture, BODYSLAMMED.
Maybe the people at Best Brains should make fun of those paragons of loserdom: Pro Wrestlers! I mean come on, these over hormonally driven HOSERS strut and prance like lil' girly men, put on make-up, and act like they're constipated 24 hours a day!!! These poor defenseless creatures are PERFECT VICTIMS! Muhahahaaaa! How's this one: any Terry "Hulk" Hogan or Roddy Piper movie? Just a suggestion. HAHAHAA!

"You Don't Know Brak" by hamdingr@theworks.com

The biggest downer that a MSTie undergoes is the realization that your favorite show in the whole world missed one of the most obvious, funny jokes known to man. Several of you can nod your head with me as I mention one word: BRAK.
The infamous big-lumped alien head of our beloved This Island Earth's co- star: Brack. And if anyone else can maybe remember, you know, that one late Friday night while flipping through the Channel Chump Dump (AKA CABLE) and witnessing a funny-looking tiger on Cartoon Network speaking with a vocabulary of a jar of mayonnaise... that's also Brak. The thing about both these Braks is that they're both part of an escalating pop culture in the cable industry. Neither were called to this mission with any say for themselves: the Cartoon Network Brak is held hostage and forced to be a co-host on a cable, the MST Brack probably DIED before he ever knew what the heck cable was. In that fact alone, a Truman-Show-esque campaign could be raised for both cases.
But that's not the point.
My major grievance is that the all-knowing MST writers, who have reached deep into the pop culture realm and pulled out such gems from Ray Bans to the Replacements, didn't make the connection.
Oh sure, some can argue that the movie was in production before the Cartoon Planet phenomenon burst open with the force of a thousand zits.
But that's not my point.
I guess I expected some kind of recognition. I think I remember sitting in the theater in Hollywood, psyched up because there were other die-hard MSTies in the theater with me, who all traveled from miles around (like me) just to see this movie. And yes, it was indeed a FUNNY movie and we all were having a laugh riot, I think I remember hearing the name Brack, and totally expecting them to elude some kind of reference to the other Brak. Or maybe I was thinking of Exeter, which is a town some 15 miles from here.
But that's not my point.
I think I forgot my point.
Well, anyway. I love Brak. He's one fine handsome man/tiger thingy. And these earphones hurt without those foam covers. And I hate that one stupid Enya song that they always play on PBS to get you to call in and pledge... Out of all the good Enya songs in the world, they happen to pick the STUPID one! And you know what else?!
Hey, where are you going? Why aren't you listening? Don't I have a right to sp...

Septober MSTie of the Month: mstanon@msties.com

If this isn't any indication that there's a severe lack of bio submissions, then I don't know what is. Although I've technically already held this honor (in the XBand Edition #21, August 20th, 1996), the listing I provided wasn't very adequate for the space it was limited to. So here's a little more about your very own MSTies Anonymous Poobah.
I was born on June 30th, 1981 (no that's not a typo) in the cow town of Fond du Lac, WI. I've since moved to the Denver-metro region of Colorado where I despise that one football team. In my senior year of high school, I'm in ten places at once as I prepare for college while maintaining my regular school- work, as well as the site.
Let's see, what else? I enjoy playing baseball and video games extensively, but not necessarily baseball video games. Most any Nintendo game will do, but of course, there's that one RPG for that one lousy system. When driving, I like to listen to Pink Floyd, Metallica, and Rammstein, not to mention Clowns in the Sky. Okay, time to move on to MST3K.
I first saw MST in the summer of '95 at a friend's house. Watching the last half-hour of 412 Hercules and the Captive Women, I made a feeble attempt to add my own comments and learned to just listen to the freaky silhouette. I was hooked. Right now, I'm in the process of completing my Tom Servo replica and MST tape library. I was at the ConventioCon ExpoFest-A-Rama II: Electric Bugaloo and toured BBI again last month.
Hmm... What else could I write? My name?! No!

MST3K Trivia Winners

After getting the Final Round of Jeopardy!-esque MST3K Trivia ironed out during the last two weeks of August, a winner has emerged from the pack of anxious MSTies...


Here's what he had to say: "Groovy, baby. I dig prizes! As a truly obsessed fan with WAY too much time on my hands, I thank you MST Anon Poobah for my prize and the neat game forum in which to play in. I owe a lot of my answers to the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide, the official 'Bot Building Booklet, and re-watching my tapes of old episodes rather than exposing myself to that evil presence known as the Sun. I also thank my girlfriend who allowed me to tie up her computer and phone line while I vainly tried to prove just how much I love those wacky Brains." Thanks go out to Garonma and the rest of the players who helped make the game another success. Your tape of MST Shorts will be on its way soon, Garonma.
On the Q&A front, there was another batch of winners. Here we go...

#47 was answered by SZeitz3462. He knew that Frank would change his name to Frank, according to MidknyghtQ's Q.
#48 was devoured by Atog554. The only two bands to write about MST were Man or Astroman? and Luke Ski's Psycho Potporri. Way to stump me, Goff!
#49 was also devoured by Atog554. Although it's off-topic, AGKONG, it takes three licks to reach the Tootsie Pop center.
#50 is still up for grabs. Servo T certainly asked a tough one.
#51 was answered by SZeitz3462. Mike and the 'Bots called Starship Troopers to win at the last Little Gold Statues. Too bad it didn't.
#52 also entered the stomach of Atog554, Champ 2. Good ol' B.I.G. was involved in 309, 411, and 523. Good Q, Chassis.

Be sure to play all three rounds in the new game of Jeopardy!-esque MST3K Trivia for your chance to win a Rhino MST tape!

October MST3K Schedule on SFC

North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
Date Time ### Episode
10/03/98 5:00 pm 817 Horror of Party Beach
10/03/98 11:00 pm 817 Horror of Party Beach
10/10/98 5:00 pm 818 Devil Doll
10/10/98 11:00 pm 818 Devil Doll
10/17/98 5:00 pm 809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf
10/17/98 11:00 pm 809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf
10/24/98 5:00 pm 904 Werewolf
10/24/98 11:00 pm 904 Werewolf

Europe and Africa
{All times are U.K. and tentative}
Date Time ### Episode
03/10/98 15.00 818 Devil Doll
03/10/98 24.00 818 Devil Doll
10/10/98 15.00 819 Invasion of the Neptune Men
10/10/98 24.00 819 Invasion of the Neptune Men
17/10/98 15.00 820 Space Mutiny
17/10/98 24.00 820 Space Mutiny
24/10/98 15.00 821 Time Chasers
24/10/98 24.00 821 Time Chasers
31/10/98 15.00 822 Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
31/10/98 24.00 822 Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Classifieds 3000

RMichel424@aol.com writes: "Hey, Rmichel424 here. I am now currently attending Ball State University. I'm a telecommunications major. I found out that if a student or group of students wants to make a show of their own to be shown on the campus cable station, they can. I intend to attempt to try to get together a bunch of people to help me make a show like MST3K. I intend to call it Ball State Theater 3000. Many aspects will be the same. We will make fun of bad movies, but the companies that made the movies will never know we are giving their films the old MST treatment. I hope to make fun of films like Congo, ID4, Godzilla films, and others. I will also do my best to find bad short educational films to use with shorter movies. I was recently hired at Taco Bell. I had to watch training videos that would be perfect for such occasions. This will end up looking like the KTMA years, with newer jokes of course. I will be changing a few aspects to fit better with a college plot line. Instead of a mad scientist, I hope to make it a mad professor and student aid. I will have a follow up report on whether or not this idea follows through or not. If it does, I will try my best to make copies for all of you, provided you pay for S&H and the tape. I will also attempt to put up snippets of sound and possibly video so all can enjoy."

kimthom@inland.net writes: "Due to circumstances beyond my control, my web page on MST3K robotics will remain in this state until after Christmas. Sorry I won't have a chance to work on it, but feel free to visit the site if you want. I'm at http://members.tripod.com/~Camborg/index.html :)"

hamdingr@theworks.com writes: "The new AADGKA Mailing List! Hey, MSTies! Ever wanted a place to talk MST3K through e-mail? Hey, webmasters! Ever wanted help with your web site? Hey, everyone! Ever wanted to see the REAL sneak previews to the new AADGKA site? Here's your chance! Join the brand spankin' new AADGKA mailing list! It's free... I promise. No gimmicks. No commitments. No baloney. To subscribe, send an empty message to aadgka-subscribe@egroups.com. To unsubscribe, send a message to aadgka-unsubscribe@egroups.com. To post a message to the entire group subscribed to the mailing list, send an e-mail to aadgka@egroups.com. To see the discussions on the Web, go to http://www.eGroups.com/list/aadgka/."


All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar, clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written consent of the author.

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1998 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees. "Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

© MCMXCVIII MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho Cool6000@juno.com

"Tell me another story, Dad... Dad?"

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