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SOL Post 15 11/27/97
SOL Post 14 11/15/97
SOL Post 13 10/15/97




In This Issue

From the Poobah
"The Otaku MSTie Returns" by gherity@freenet.msp.mn.us
"Call Me Ishmael" by BobIshmael@prodigy.net
"Random Commentary" by FlamingHat@aol.com
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu
"MSTies Far and Wide, Lend Me Your Ears!" by novas@ix.netcom.com
"Edmund Fitzgerald/Joel Robinson" by mstanon@msties.com
"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com
November MSTie of the Month: ringo@gladstone.uoregon.edu
MST3K Trivia with Cambot@webtv.net Winners
Turkey Day MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000

From the Poobah

It's November already. Seems like only yesterday we were tuning in to the Sci-Fi Channel, beside ourselves with joy awaiting the premiere of Season 8. Here on the flip side of the newest MST3K season, the Brains have wrapped up production on 822 and have already begun work on Season 9. The SOL crew and the Mads have journeyed to (and blown up) many bold new worlds throughout time and space in search of... well, more bad movies. Things here at MSTies Anonymous have undergone many changes over the past few months, as well. A newer, better frameset was added to our page, INTERNATIONAL (!) membership finally surpassed its peak from the bygone XBand era (120 members at the time- I'm writing to 134 of you now), and this publication has grown from a small MSTies Anonymous Newsletter to the large and proud SOL Post.
With that, I'd like to welcome all the new columnists to the staff! Jenny Erdahl has been contributing to the newsletter ever since she joined the club, but only now has become a columnist with her "Jenny For Your Thoughts." Bob Ishmael's "Call Me Ishmael" will focus on literature relating to MST3K. He'll give us MSTies suggested readings and poetry parodies, among other nuggets of joy. In the not-too-distant future, Shadai plans to bring us short MSTings of Usenet and similar postings in a column yet to be named. Be sure to read his note in this month's Classifieds 3000. And, of course, Cornjob still provides his insight into your MST-related problems in "Cornjob's Corner."
One last thing: competition in Jeopardy!-esque MST3K Trivia is about to get underway. So how does this affect you? Every 3 months, the player with the highest overall score will receive a free Rhino MST3K tape of their choice. Be sure to register now by sending either Cambot@webtv.net or myself an e-mail saying you'd like to play. Better start studying your other science facts, because the first game starts on Turkey Day!
Now without any further adieu, here for your reading is the newsletter that finally killed my Notepad!

"The Otaku MSTie Returns" by gherity@freenet.msp.mn.us

Thanks to Cambot@webtv.net for his response to my last post in the volume 13 of the SOL Post.

This week I lament the Americanization of a Japanese cheese classic, GODZILLA! Ever since James "Terminator" Cameron got his butchering mitts on a MST3K favorite, I've been hurling my last sushi dinner... I mean COME ON, PEOPLE! The reason people watched Godzilla watched it for its cheesy and really BAAAD dubs. We don't wanna see Jurassic Park in New York fer cryin' out loud!! I'd rather be watching the phreekin' Power Rangers...
*Pops in a really bad copy of "Plastic Little" (Kewl Anime)*
I mean come on, I like the big guy... But Godzilla is Japanese, he likes the majestic peaks of Mt. Fuji, not the dark Gothic spires of New York's Skyline!! Seesh... Fraggin' Americans!!

"Call Me Ishmael" by BobIshmael@prodigy.net

After Poe's "The Raven"

Once upon a Saturday night dreary
While I sat down weak and weary
Sitting on some stinky socks and also my crusty drawers
While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came some riffing
As if some gently riffing, riffing at a movie bore
"What is this 'riffing'?" I then muttered "This 'riffing' at this movie bore"
It is stupid! And nothing more
But, as I do recall... It was probably in the fall
And as the funny characters left their riff upon the bore
Eagerly I wished to know what made them hate this movie so
I now what I do know, that the MSTies lost a guy named Joel
Creator of MST3K which the angels have named Joel
Nameless here forevermore
And this shorthaired man named Mike, which some have told to take a hike
Thrilled me--- Filled me with a "funniness" never felt before
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
"I must watch this movie bore..."
"This riffing of this movie bore"
"Is too funny, I can't stands no more!"
Presently my laugh grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"My heart!" Said I, "Call 911!! Before I hit the floor!!!"
But too late. My heart spat and sputtered.
"I still love this riffing!" I then muttered
And my soul shall love this riffing
Love this riffing forevermore...

"Random Commentary" by FlamingHat@aol.com

I believe I have found conclusive evidence that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is actually a complex metaphor for life. I cannot give you this evidence at the moment, due to the fact that the moment at which I discover this is in the not-too-distant future. In other words, I haven't exactly found any proof that it's a complex metaphor for life, but hey! It's always good to hope, right?
Well, let's see, this sort of depends. It could be good to hope, I guess, in a SENSE... well, kind of. If you're hoping for a bologna sandwich to come hurtling into your left ear, well, you'll probably be disappointed, but the fact that you're hoping for SOMETHING is good in itself. On the other hand, you might be hoping for a vicious monster alien to land on a nearby rooftop and rip everyone it sees into pulpy, bloody shreds, in which case hoping may not necessarily be good for you. You may want to take up golf, instead.
Speaking of golf, golf spelled backwards is that pleasant word flog, defined in the American Heritage Dictionary as "To beat severely with a whip or rod." To golf, therefore, is to flog backwards, giving the golf ball (or sometimes the caddy) a severe beating in the opposite direction than would be used in a flogging. This is, in fact, true if you think about it, which leaves most wondering what it is exactly that "essorcal" means, and how it pertains to the top of Crow's head, backwards.
And Crow leads me back to my major point... uh... er... the characters in MST3K should eat more hamburgers! Not those sorry excuses for food served by Gypsy, a vacuum cleaner, I'm talking about REAL HAMBURGERS. Now THAT would make for an interesting show. Do you ever see the Incredible Hulk eating hamburgers? David Duchovny on The X-Files? Not once have I seen Bill Clinton eat a hamburger in public!
Which leads me to my next point! We see so much about US presidents, yet we hardly see a thing about the quantity of meat in their weekly diets! This is the United States, and here, people eat burgers REGARDLESS of fatal diseases! That's what America is all about! If presidents truly want to be role models, they should show their public that they are true Americans by eating a lot of meat! Show them slaughtering the cows, if that's what it takes! To see Bill Clinton kill a cow with his own bare hands would prove his worth as secondary leader of the United States (right next to the Satanic Mr. Gates). Of course, this is probably a bit much, so the media should settle for pics of Clinton eating burgers, with cow carcasses behind him.
Lack of these cow carcasses is certainly not a problem! I'm sick of seeing these stupid dead cow body parts strewn across my yard! A few legs or so every month wasn't bad, but lately, the amount of cow carcass pieces in my area has been overwhelming! People are practically drowning in offal here in Connecticut! I don't know what it's like for you other people, but over here, dead cows are as common as trees!
And while I'm on the subject of trees, why aren't there any trees on the SOL? There's enough room in that thing for a couple small forests, and the fact that the satellite is in outer space shouldn't affect a tree's growth! Mike needs to get out in nature more often, and since he can't get out to the trees in his position, someone should bring trees to him! Weirder things have happened on the SOL, such as Servo's sudden attainment of dozens of railings, Crow's creation of a mile-high meringue pie, and Crow's hiring of Yakoff Smirnoff in hopes of getting some explanation of Jack Frost. So why not have Servo or somebody get some trees on the SOL? It could benefit Mike greatly.
Well, that about wraps up my commentary on MST3K. I hope that everyone who reads this will become enlightened by my vast array of knowledge, from which I have just allowed sections to be viewed. Adios, and happy Futon Day.

"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu

Do you know what I hate about being on line? It's a certain type of people that I call jackals. So, who are these jackals you might ask. Well they're the people on line who send hate mail, who be mean to other MSTies, and think their opinion is the only opinion. They're found in chat rooms, MST boards... everywhere.
Let me explain more about jackals. They're the people on line who hate a certain MST character or MST person and show it to others. Now I'm not talking about people who write "I prefer so and so" or "I don't care for..." I'm talking about people who write "So and so deserve to die." Now everyone deserves to have there own opinions but jackals write in such a way that is almost scary. They write like they're right and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong or should die. Jackals help add fuel to flame wars and create hate folders about certain MST characters.
I've mainly seen the most jackals come out when some Best Brain leaves and someone else does their job. Like when Joel left for Mike to sit in the theater or when Dr. F. left and Pearl had to step in. Jackals will come out and complain and rip apart the new meat. They send hate mail to the new people and post what's wrong with the new person up. The take any mistake or thing the new person does to say that they are bad. I guess in their minds, it is the answer and way for the old MST person to come back. But it doesn't work and never will. Or they rip an old charters down without realizing with out them MST wouldn't be where it is today. Jackals spread rumors that so and so causes fights in the MST writing room or elsewhere.
Not only do they do this, but also they never give the new or old person a chance. I remember many mean complaints made by jackals about Mary Jo before she even came on the screen. Jackals will also never stop complaining. They make their opinion and stick with it until they can't write any more. Other people wipe away the tear about a departure of MST character and get ready to welcome the new. The jackals will still make mean comments and shout their noise down at them. Just look at the argument about who is better: Joel or Mike. You're sure to find a jackal or two there. Jackals want to prove that so and so is evil and wont stop until everyone thinks that. When they're the one who is evil.
Jackals will also attack fellow MSTies. I fear for any new MSTie who dares challenge their view. It once happened to me on a post in the boards. I won't go in much detail on what the subject was on, lets just say I defended a MST character and accidentally misspelled a word. (Hey, I'm not good speller.) I got the most horrible note. It went on how I could think that and I wasn't a true MSTie because I said that and so on. It ended with that jackal saying "and bla bla is spelled THIS way." Now, I was able to escape and write many more notes. But that type stuff can still hurt and some new MSTie might never come back.
The only time I can think of when jackals were useful was when Comedy Central dropped MST3K. I'm sure Mr. Doug Herzog got all the jackals jumped on him and got ton of death threats and hate mail. BUT jackals can set bad examples to other kinder MSTies. I still remember when the Sci-Fi Channel saved MST3K and showed the first episode. I got on line to rejoice and I saw jackals who wrote "The Sci-Fi Channel doesn't have as good of movies as CC did" or something like that. Excuse me, weren't you just complaining about CC? In short, I think jackals are mean and petty. They will find reasons to complain and will. They end up sounding loud and hateful people. They spend all their time yelling and sounding like a spoiled brat. If you know anyone who's a jackal or are a jackal yourself, please cut it out. MST boards and on line chats are place to share ideas, not put them down. I'm sorry that I had to dedicate such a long article to this subject. I thank you for taking the time to read it. If you want to check your jackal status, I made little quiz. I'd really like everyone to take it. If you don't want to go on, read the rest of your MSTies Anonymous news or go back surfing the web. But be careful; there are jackals out there.

-------------Jackals Quiz-------------

Put a number from 1 to 5 next to each question where 1 is the lowest and 5 is the highest.
  1. I have never done this.
  2. I do this a little bit.
  3. I sometimes do this.
  4. I do this often.
  5. I do this constantly.

Then add up your score when you finish.

A. I think a certain MST3K person is ruining the show.
B. I hate a MSTie who disagrees with me and I don't consider their opinion.
C. I stick by my opinion or idea and defend it to the end without changing it.
D. I think that a certain MST person/character is better than another and will share my opinion to all no matter what they think.
E. I hate a certain person who's on or used be on MST3K and think they should die.
F. I have never given a new character a chance to improve.
G. I will rip anyone to shreds who disagrees with me without mercy.
H. I don't consider others' opinions or feelings when I write to them.
I. When I share my view, I find myself complaining more than I do agreeing, making general comments, or just having fun.
J. I have sent hate mail, criticized other MSTies, or participated in a flame war.

-------------Add up score-------------

10-15 You're jackal-free. Go and tell others!
15-25 You shouldn't worry about being a jackal. But be careful! One can easily become one.
25-35 You're a little bit of a jackal. Look at stuff you marked a high number on and try to improve in those areas.
35-45 You're a borderline jackal. Take some new ideas in. Don't just sulk at your keyboard. Make sure to watch it when you're about to yell at someone. You'll have more fun just talking than disagreeing or fighting.
45-50 You're a jackal. But lest you took this test and now know it. Try to improve. Cut back on hate mail and yelling at others. Stop criticizing everyone all the time. If you want help, I'd be more than happy to. No, don't send me hate mail, ask for help. There, you're doing better already.

"MSTies Far and Wide, Lend Me Your Ears!" by novas@ix.netcom.com

This here is Novas, and I got a few things on my mind.

What possesses someone to stick gum underneath a table, or school desk, or chair? Does it make them feel strong? Intelligent perhaps? Maybe they like the feeling of their saliva and a squishy piece of sugary gum being squashed between their fingers and the unfortunate furniture they are defecating... WHATEVER THE REASON!!!

I don't like it one bit!

I mean of course I enjoy reaching under a chair to pull it under me, and getting that soft sticky sensation on my ALWAYS CLEAN AND GERM FREE HAND!!! Or when you're lucky, and the gum is already hard, and blackened from years of decay, ya know, when you reach in and gets stuck in your FINGER NAILS!!!

But that's a different story... What I want to get to, which is very closely related as well, is release of the new MST3K action figures, which don't exist yet...

I have been waiting for these things for quite a while, I have made countless phone calls (more like none) to all the big toy companies like Kenner, Mattel, Fisher Price, Ban-Dai, Betty Crocker, Sony, Nintendo, and Sega. The video game wars have been heating up in these past few months, why with the powerful, yet ridiculous machine with no MPEG or CD Audio capabilities giving the Swedish so many problems, how do you ever expect the Golden Gate Bridge to get fixed on time???

As I was saying... Moore Creations at http://www.moorecreations.com supposedly made MST3K figurines. You know this company. They make all the nice comic, horror, sci-fi, and now Duke Nukem figures...

WHAT HAPPENED??? Were these things ever made... I e-mailed Moore Creations and never got a real response!!!

As for action figures??? Who knows??? Probably never... but hey... Pizza tastes good so eat up!

Watch MST3K Ever Saturday at 5 and 11 pm EST only on the Sci-Fi Channel.


"Edmund Fitzgerald/Joel Robinson" by mstanon@msties.com

The legend lives on from that KTMA spawn
Of the big ship they called "Satellite of Love"
The ship, it is said, wasn't quite dead
When the stars of November turn gloomy
With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more
Plus Joel Robinson kept it from empty.
That good ship shaped like a bone to be chewed
When the "films of November" came early.

The ship was the pride of Joel Robinson's mind
Being launched from some school in Wisconsin
As the big spaceships go, it was bigger than most
With the 'Bots and good human well seasoned
Shanghaied by his bosses who were disturbed
When he left fully loaded for Earth orbit
And later in years when the alarm sirens rang
Could it be the Mads' wrath they'd been feelin'?

Faithful old Gypsy had figured out how
To accomplish her task of Joel's "saving"
And every 'Bot knew, as Joel Robinson did too,
T'was the films of November come stealin'.
The audit came late and the invention had to wait
When the Joe Don Baker's bad film came slashin'.
When the host segment came you could feel the Mads' pain
In the faces of TV's Frank and Clayton.

When The End finally came, the wise Gypsy came on deck sayin'.
"Joel, it's 'bout time to save ya."
At Seven P.M. as a box of Hamdingers caved in', Joel said
"Fellas, it's been good t'know ya"
The plaque Joel had left had a message for them
Even though Joel was never really in peril
And later that night the Deus Ex Machina's flight
Came to Australia with Joel Robinson.

Does any one know where the all the magic goes
When the clowns pack up in an hour?
The MSTies all say he'd have made Season Eight
If he'd put sixty more movies behind there.
They might have split up or they might have lost their minds
May have cried in the really bad movies.
But all that remains is the voices and the names
Of the Cambot, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy

Crow T. Robot jokes, Tom Servo sings
In the rooms of their satellite mansion.
Old Gypsy steers like Mike can only dream
Cambot is really quite a cameraman.
And farther below the Loading Pan dome
Is fixed by the Nanites with such power,
And as bad movies go as the MSTies all know
With the films of November remembered.

In a convention hall in Minnesota they prayed,
At the "ConventioCon ExpoFest-A-Rama."
The Movie Sign chimed till the 'Bots inward climbed
From the creation of Joel Robinson.
The legend lives on from that KTMA spawn
Of the big ship they call "Satellite of Love".
"The ship", they said, "isn't quite dead
When the 'films of November' come early!"

"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com

Well... hello again, folks... I apologize for my absence last month, there were no questions sent to me. This month I have just one question, so let's get to it...


Dear Cornjob,
I have a slightly Turkey-Day related problem, but I need it answered/opened *before* Turkey Day, so here goes:

I am lucky enough to have a VCR with a very extensive recording timer (up to 4 weeks) and very good resolution, even in extended play. This allows me to capture a lot of MST's I might have otherwise missed, and, better yet, allows me to store 3 glorious episodes on a single full-length videotape. All seems well until you consider Turkey Day. As great as my VCR may be, it cannot switch tapes and program itself while I'm at home for the holiday, and I've already found the Turkey Day schedule. All of them are episodes I haven't seen yet!!! All I can manage to catch is 3 episodes, choosing from the following list:

#801 Revenge of the Creature
#807 Terror from the Year 5000
#808 The She Creature
#809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf
#810 Giant Spider Invasion
#811 Parts: the Clonus Horror
#812 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (whew!)

And add to that the facts that I'll also miss the Saturday showing of #802 The Leech Woman, and that we don't have Sci-Fi Channel at home, and you've got yourself one unhappy camper here. Help me, Cornjob, you're my only hope...

Refueler... Carpe Asphyxia

Dear Refueler,
Well, I'm guessing that you are asking my opinion on the three best eps of this season to watch... am I not right? If that's the case, then I'm just gonna have to go on my own opinion of what I thought was best. Well, if I were in your shoes, I would probably tape #801 Revenge of the Creature because it was the first episode of Season 8, it tied a lot of things together to better understand the new plot of the show, and it was rather funny for the most part. The next one I suggest is that you tape #808 The She Creature; it was pretty darned funny. Then I think it would be good to have your last taped ep be #810 Giant Spider Invasion; this one to me was the most funny episode of the season mainly 'cause it showed the sad truth of both the 70's and the state of Wisconsin. Well, to me at least, that is what I'd do if I had to choose from that list. I hope that helps you to decide :).


Well, that's all folks. If you are ever seeking MST3K related advice, don't hesitate to mail me at Cornjob@hotmail.com and I'll be sure to get your question posted in the newsletter and hopefully a good piece of advice. Your question can be serious (it can't really get TOO serious, it's MST3K for goodness sakes) or humorous. And be sure to add a cute little name like... Worried in Wyoming or Itching in Indiana.

Thank you, all. See ya next month. Don't eat the paint on the wall... HEY... I said DON'T! Stop it!

November MSTie of the Month: ringo@gladstone.uoregon.edu

Well, I'm MSTie of the Month? Wow, Internet fame and I didn't have to lift a damn finger. Anyway, I'm 23 years old and an English major at the University of Oregon. I'm an English major and writer-wannabe as well; I contribute to the magazines "Elixir" and "Oregon Voice", available all over the greater Eugene area. (Plug!) As for MST3K goes, I've been a MSTie for about six years. My favorite episodes are "Manos" (of course), "The Amazing Colossal Man", "Godzilla vs. Megalon", and "Cave Dwellers." As you might tell, I'm a tad partial to Joel; Mike may be every bit as great, but Joel just burned himself onto my mind first.
Unfortunately, I don't get the Sci-Fi Channel so my exposure to Season Eight has been sadly limited. If anyone out there is interested in trading tapes, I'd be glad to hear them. (I have the crew's April 1996 appearance on MTV News, if anyone hasn't seen it.)
Anyway, that's me (somewhat). Just remember not to floss (it's a conspiracy between dentists and the textile industry) and to hike up your britches like mine. Now get outta here.

MST3K Trivia with Cambot@webtv.net Winners

Hey! It's been a really weird month, and it's not even half way over! Before we begin, I have to apologize to those who sent me mail asking where I was last month. You see, the Satellite of Love was sucked in this black hole and we wound up in ancient times and... well, you get the drift. Anyhow, on to the winners:

#22 didn't get any responses, so it's still up for grabs.

#23 was actually easier than people thought. MST3K was a local production in 1988 on KTMA Channel 23. Hats off to S364128 for answering it correctly.

#24 goes to Bob Ishmael. The Roman couple who are currently imprisoning (or was by the time this newsletter comes out) is Calipygeas and Flavia.

#25 is still waiting for the right response.

#26 had two answers. Joel Hodgson goes by the name "the Gizmocrat" as well as "Agent J" when he's on the stage. And since there were two answers, Cornjob and Nico are the two winners.

#27 is also up for grabs.

Nico also answered #28 right. Mike Nelson was a temp worker before being marooned in space.

#29 is.... up for grabs. (Geez, a new record!)

#30 was pinned by Britta who revealed the villain of episode #816 Prince of Space to be Krankor.

Well, that's it for this month. Keep sending in those responses and remember to participate in Jeopardy!-esque MST3K Trivia where you can win episodes on Rhino Home Video. And yes, I'm still mailing out those cards for anyone who wants them. Later!

Turkey Day MST3K Schedule on SFC

(All times are Eastern and tentative)
Airdate Time ### Episode
11/27 7:30 am The Making of MST3K
11/27 8:00 am 801 Revenge of the Creature
11/27 10:00 am 807 Terror from the Year 5000
11/27 12:00 pm 808 The She Creature
11/27 2:00 pm 809 I Was A Teenage Werewolf
11/27 4:00 pm 810 Giant Spider Invasion
11/28 12:00 am 811 Parts: the Clonus Horror
11/28 2:00 am 812 The Incredibly Strange Creatures

Classifieds 3000

shadai@jerseyscape.com writes:
Greetings, fellow MSTies. Surely you all may have heard of people MSTing USENET postings. If you haven't, then uh... I STARTED THE IDEA!! Yeah, that's right! :) Anyway... Torgo the White visited me the other day (actually I just got the idea while sitting on my ass doing nothing all day), and he told me that I should start my own thing every issue (or so). In the newsletter, I'd find a good (bad) USENET posting and heckle the crap out of it! I'd put in some ideas, including my own storyline and characters for it. And that's pretty good, except that not only am I NOT THE BEST at MSTing things, but it's hard as hell to find a good (bad) article! It's mostly just SPAM SPAM SPAM and MORE SPAM, or postings are not short enough, too long, or not good (bad) enough material to do a MSTing of. Well, I'll get along by myself, I suppose, but I have one request: PUHHHLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASE contribute postings to me! If you find one in USENET (or AOL, or anywhere!!) please copy the whole thing (headers, toppings, PIN numbers, etc.) and send it to me!! In addition, if you have good heckling advice (or ideas for the character skits), send them too! Trust me, I'll give you full credit for them. I'm starting my own column for this and I want it to be successful. Please help a fellow MSTie in need. :)


Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.
The "Gizmocrat" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

© MCMXCVII MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho Cool6000@juno.com

"I want your wig!"

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