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MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 10 07/15/97
MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 9 06/15/97
MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 8 05/15/97

MSTies Anonymous Newsletter
News for the Obscure Convergence
Internet Edition - Volume 9

In This Issue

From The Zen Psycho
"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com
"UPDATE: Quality College Cheese" by astone@st1.wou.edu
"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Video Game" by mstanon@msties.com
"Navigating The MST3k web" by cool6000@juno.com
"As Our Mst3k Logo turns" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu
"It's Not Natural" by Cambot@webtv.net
June MSTie of the Month: tomservo@tiac.net
MST3K Trivia with Cambot@webtv.net Winners
July MST3K Schedule on SFC

From The Zen Psycho

There's a lot of strange wild wacky stuff going on in the peculiar circus-like operation we have here. Check out the major changes in our web site. There is a new "Members' Forum" section where you can trade tapes and 'bot parts in the message boards. While you're there, check out the roster. Right now, I'm working on a really sort of, kind of maybe, not really real password protection for the forum. I also made new buttons for the index page. *cough *cough. Enjoy, and don't forget to write articles for the next newsletter!

"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com

Well, life is pretty lonely here in my corner. I am the first advice columnist for this newsletter and I think it would be great for us all to hear peoples' problems MST3K related or closely MST3K related and ridicule them for the lowly sacks of protoplasm you are. Just kidding. This will be Anonymous, hence the name MSTies Anonymous. Trying to recruit some potential MSTies into our collective and need some advice? We are MSTie. Resistance is futile. Or just need help with finding places in which to buy sell or trade used and new MST3K equipment please come to me. Here is an example of what could be written.

Dear Cornjob,
Is it wrong for me to find Estelle Winwood hot?

Dumbfounded in Denver

There is that settled now? Well good.


Now I would like to talk about some thingamabobs that are on my mind. I think I will make a short evaluation of every episode so far this season. This will just be my opinion of what I thought of it and in no way should it reflect your opinion. (though it should)

__#801 Revenge Of The Creature- Coming into this first episode I was really expecting the show to go bellyside up with all the changes it underwent what with Trace leaving and Deep 13 being no more. But a few minutes into it I found myself laughing almost just as hard as I would with the older episodes. The quips were great and the Host segments were really great too. On a scale of 1-10 I choose to give this an 8.

__#802 The Leech Woman- I found this episode to be ok. The quips were good with them making it so easy with the large amounts of stock footage. The host segments were good. I give this episode a 7.

__#803 The Mole People- This was one of my favorite episodes of the season. I loved the jokes about their load. I found the theater segments great with John Agar making it easy being the know it all pompous ass that he is. The host segments were good and I was so relieved when Crow finally recognized mike. I give this a 9.

__#804 The Deadly Mantis- I had seen the movie before it was MSTed and I actually kinda liked the movie. But however if MST thinks it was bad then I guess I was dead wrong. And who could forget that this was the episode when Mike destroyed his first planet. 8.5.

__#805 The Thing That Wouldn't Die- I liked this one. A girl trying to find evil with a stick. It was hilarious. The quips were great and the host segments were pretty good too. And not to mention the meeting of the Observers. 8.

__#806 The Undead- This was an OK episode 1 found the quips good and the host segments were ok too. Hmm. "That's all I have to say about that" -Forrest Gump. 6.

__#807 Terror From The Year 5000- I loved the host segments in this one. It was the best watching Bobo and Pearl fighting to the death. And in the movie who could forget all the pasty faced oily young men. And of course the lovable sexual stalker, Angelo. It was funny how the TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000 didn't appear until there was like 15 minutes left and once it came it wasn't that TERRIFYING!! 9.

__#808 THE SHE CREATURE- Well here is the second planet destruction as all the observers except for Observer are blown into observer kibbles and bits. Good theater segments and good host segments. All in all a good solid episode. 8.

__#809 I Was A Teenage Werewolf- This is a story of one little mans struggle through having violent tendencies, uncontrolled dairy product hurlings, the occasional transformation into a hideous beast and yes of course ACNE!!! Bad movie, good MST3K episode. 9.

__#810 The Giant Spider Invasion- My absolute favorite episode of the season!!! White trash Wisconsinites, Pipe cleaners made up to be large spiders, and all the Wisconsin jokes you can stomach and color too for once. Being a Minnesota resident and a huge Vikings fans this was especially good for me. It showed the sad truth of Wisconsin residents. If any of you live in Wisconsin I'm sorry but it's true. Hehe. 10.

__#811 Parts: The Clonus Horror- I liked this ep. Quick impression "*bang!!* owww *bang!!* owwwewe *bang!!! owwwww* *paz-ing owwwwww*" Great theater segments and host segments along with the appearance of the evil space children. "Agua." 9.5.

Well that's it. C'mon pan off me!! I'm of no more use to you now!! Gone? Good.

"UPDATE: Quality College Cheese" by astone@st1.wou.edu

The makers of everybody's favorite extremely low budget X-files parody are going to Hollywood! Well, ok. Not Hollywood. Maybe not even a suburb of it. But we ARE making a movie. The projected release date is spring/summer of 1999 (just in time to compete with the new Star Wars movies). This movie will be an attempt at seriousness, but of course, we will be extremely...flattered if anyone is interested in MST-ing it. The main character was developed out of a White Wolf role-playing game (Vampire: the Masquerade) and a character sheet for him can be found at

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Video Game" by mstanon@msties.com

My ideal video game for the Nintendo 64 would be a spin off from the hilariously funny _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ as seen on cable TV. The concept is simple, but takes countless hours of viewing to fully enjoy. In the not-too-distant future, Mike Nelson is hired as a temp worker for Dr. Forrester in Deep 13. As Mike annoyed him so, he strapped Mike into a rocket bound for the Satellite of Love. Already aboard are Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, two wise-cracking robots who have survived watching and making fun of some of the worst movies ever made, sent to them by Dr. F. The trio is forced to endure a horrid film each week, and they keep their sanity by constantly riffing on them.
In the video game rendition, bad games for the N64 are substituted for movies and the hilarity begins. As the system is turned on, the theme song plays to a cinema scene of polygon figures of the cast. The title screen gives the player the option of playing with one, two, or no other people and the robots' sarcasm sequencers (artificial intelligence) as well as the length of the playing session. Once the needed choices are made, "Cambot" zooms out through the now famous doorway sequence and to the plucky SOL crew. The 64 DD disk loads the cinema scene and voices for the opening sketch as determined by the game to be riffed in the cartridge slot. The player watches as they gad about and the evil Dr. Forrester fills them in on their weekly torture.
Inside the Mystery Science Theater, player 1 controls the SOL crew's snide remarks from the silhouette at the bottom of the screen. Tom, Mike, and Crow can give observational or impressional humor to the game (A, B, and C buttons) or cry the tried and true "HI-KEEBA!!!" (L button) to a karate move on the screen. When it's time to take a rest from the game, the Z trigger can be pulled to have Tom Servo bring them out of the theater.
But weren't there 3 players? The other two have the option of controlling the N64 cartridge-based game and setting up some uproarious jokes. For example, when playing Mortal Kombat Trilogy, a choice of Jade as the fighter can result in Crow saying "Am I under- or over-dressed?" imitating her voice. If Scorpion says "Come here," Tom Servo could say "Lemme give you a bear hug!" Mike would reply to a babality with "Dick Clark in the year 300 B.C." Of course, all of this depends on player 1's decisions on how to riff a particular scene. Nothing but R could be pushed for a constant "HI-KEEBA," but it's best to use this classic catch-phrase sparingly for a good laugh every now and then.
After all is played and done, Mike and the 'bots leave the theater and scoff at Dr. Forrester in Deep 13. The goal has been reached as they kept their sanity through laughter. The credits roll as the MST planetoid as seen at the title screen spins in the background, during which the player has the option of saving the episode onto a controller pak or to the disk for automatic viewing later. It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but... Oh, bite me! It's fun!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Video Game

System: Nintendo 64

Type: Comedy

Goal: Try to keep your sanity with the help of your robot friends.

Control 1: Observational or impressional humor for 3 characters with "Hi-Keeba" and catch-phrases.

Control pad: Menu selections
Start button: Begin game, pause
Control stick: Not used
Z trigger: Leave theater
L button: "Hi-Keeba"
R button: Catch-phrases
B button: Tom Servo impression
A button: Tom Servo observation
vC button: Mike Nelson observation
^C button: Crow T. Robot impression
>C button: Crow T. Robot observation
Special jokes:
B & A buttons: Tom Servo sing
^C & >C buttons: Crow T. Robot sing
B, A, C: Group sing
B & B & ^C buttons: Tom Servo & Crow T. Robot routine

Control 2:
Control pad: Not used
Start button: Pause
Control stick: Move character/monster
Z trigger: Shoot gun/special ability
L button: Not used
R button: Not used
B button: Weak punch
A button: Talk/weak kick
vC button: Medium kick
^C button: Strong punch
>C button: Strong kick

Control 3:
See Control 2, secondary character.

"Navigating The MST3k web" by cool6000@juno.com

Hello MSTie freaks! This article is intended as a short web surfing guide for MST3k web sites. Since there are so many sites, and a large quantity aren't any good, I'm going to try and cut the list down to the bare minimum amount of sites. I've stripped it down to Official web sites, Index sites, And web sites that any MSTie should at least take a look at.

Official Web Sites

Okay, I'll start off with the big official web site king of them all:

The Official Mystery Science Theater 3000 Web Site http://www.mst3k.com

The Sci-Fi channel has been generous enough to offer MST3k it's own official web site! It includes all of the stuff you'd expect on an official web site. Short BIOs of all the people behind the scenes, TV schedules, and The all important link to the sponsor's page. But it includes so much more. (not really) Okay, it has a little bit more. It has an interesting web chat area they call "Caption this!" where you shoot riffs at random images picked off of cable. The result is sort of a trippy surrealistic MST3k space web chat experiment. The site also now features the amazing season 8 episode guide from the writers and producers of MST3k. And a whole bunch of other random madness. Give this site a real good look see.

Get the latest MST3k news and a great MST3k faq from

Satellite News http://www.mst3kinfo.com

This is the second official MST3k web site. It has news, a faq, a bunch of links to other great MST3k web sites, And a comprehensive episode guide list. If you're a beginner MSTie, this is the place to go. It has all the information needed to become a hard-core obsessive MSTie.

Index Sites

These are the web sites that list all other MST3k web sites. And a couple of indexes of other weird stuff.

Deux es Machina http://sunsite.unc.edu/lunar/mst3k/mst3k.html

The most popular index of other MST3k sites on the web. It has a yahoo-like interface. Except there's no search engine :P. It has just about everything. It also features an interesting viewer rating section, where each and every episode of MST3k is scrutinized by the visitors of the web site.

AADGKA! Links http://www.theworks.com/users/hamdingr/mst3000links.html

This one claims to have more links than Deux es Machina (not really.) But it has a banner link to our page, so I think it's good.

The "-mikeyboy" MST3000 Page


This page has links to really kind of sort of maybe big indexes of MST3k references and quotes.

Cool MSTie sites

Joel's Gizmonic Antsite http://www.gizmonics.com

Remember Joel? Yeah, you remember Joel. This is his very own personal web-site. Go there NOW!

MST-O-MATIC "the Quote Machine of Love" http://www.busadm.mu.edu/~ethan/MSTOMATIC/

A random picture, a random quote, what could be better? Java is necessary, though.

Well that's it folks. Show's over. No pushing. Come on people. Hey, that's my wallet!

"As Our Mst3k Logo turns" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu

Hi, I'm Jenny and this my first posting. I have been a MSTie for years but I'm fairly new to the Internet. So I'm still figuring stuff out. I have to warn you that my grammar and spelling are horrible. So with that out of the way I'll get on with my article. It's about the changes that we are experiencing with Sci-Fi channel. I'm hearing everyone complaining about how much it sucks. Well, change sucks deal with it. If things didn't change we'd all be living in caves or stuck in the 50's.
Being an old MSTie, a MSTie that was around when the show was on the other network, I can somewhat understand these complaints. I mean we old MSTies have been through hell. We dealt with schedule changes, preempting and a canceling. Now everything has been turned inside out. While the new MSTies, those who are just discovering MST3k, get everything while old MSTies get nothing. Don't we get anything for our loyalty. Yes, we do. It's nothing physical or money but benefits.

1.) We get new shows and a new network who promise to do better. So far, they're doing a good job. If the Sci-Fi channel starts to make a mistake there will be people to point it out. The Sci-Fi channel can learn from the mistake the other channel made. I'm not kissing butt when I say I like the Sci-Fi channel better that other network. Personally, I would rather watch "Twilight Zone" or the "Six Million Dollar Man" rather than "Benny Hill."

2.) We old MSTies have information and knowledge that the new MSTies don't. The new MSTies don't know who Joel Robinson, TV's Frank, Dr. forester or Torgo are. We old MSTies have to tell them. Just think of all stuff the old MSTies know that the new MSTies don't. We have to inform them what the history of MST3k is. I think that the Sci-Fi channel should buy some of the old episodes and show them in a marathon so the new MSTies can see them. After all, how can you explain "Manos, The Hands of Fate"?

3.) We old MSTies have experience and are pretty tough. Not just because the stuff we went through with the other network but because we have sat through the worst movies ever. Old MSTies have dealt with the pain and survived "The Castle of Fu Manchu," "The Atomic Brain" and "Mighty Jack." We can handle most of the new movies they are showing. We know how to cope and how to get through them. The new MSTies have never seen such films. For them, "The Giant Spider Invasion" and "The Undead" were the worst things they ever saw. Soon there might be a movie shown that's equivalent to "Eeuga" or "Radar Secret Service." We old MSTies will have help the new MSTies get through it and lend them a shoulder to cry on.

4.) We old MSTies have been to conventions and have those memories. The new MSTies will never see Beverly Garlen tell about her experience on "It Concerned the World" or the Professor explaining a bong. We old MSTies have met cast members and seen what Jim Mallon looks like. We have gotten autographs and asked our questions. No video in the world can replace or duplicate the fun I had at the last convention.

5.) We old MSTies also have old merchandise. Even if the price for old merchandise does not got up, the stuff we have is now collectable. Yes, that stuff you bought is now worth something. You can sell it, though I don't know why, to new MSTies and get something back. We old MSTies also know about the Internet and which are good sites and which you should go to after you have seen every other site. We have Internet groups and know how to get on to the chat sessions. We have to teach the new MSTies how use this Internet for good instead of for evil purposes. We don't want the new MSTies to tamper in god's domain.

If you are an old MSTie and are still mad about the change after you've read this article well there's nothing else you have but resentment and anger. Please get over it and get a life. After all, it's just a show and you should really just relax. La, La, La.

"It's Not Natural" by Cambot@webtv.net

I knew the moment I saw her, she was the reason I was here on this earth

Sure, there was a nasty rumor going around she was actually a man and went around getting kicks breaking into little boy's bedrooms. But I knew the truth. She had the most beautiful legs I've ever seen, A smile to die for. And yes, she had breasts. Far be it for me to argue with her name. All I knew is I was madly in love with Mr. B Natural and I wanted to spend every minute with her.

Make all the snide remarks you want: she could blow a mean tuba, she could tickle the ivories, or my favorite, she could string up a quartet. I didn't care. Who was I to interfere with her mad crusade just as long as she saved even the smallest amount of love left for me.

At times I imagined the two of us settling down somewhere, maybe even have a few kids whom we'd name Tremble and Clef. Ah, it was be so musical, Mr. B Natural and me that nothing would stand in our way.

Then I saw the movie "Powder" and every dream I possibly had was crushed. There, pretending to be Lance Hendrickson's sister was my darling Mr. B Natural. Only it was not the same beautiful note I fell in love with. Now she was years older. Her face wrinkled and disfigured beyond belief. Even that high pitch squeal that could make any pig horny was now low and grave. She lost everything that meant so much to me that I couldn't help but cry. I wept until The Larry Sanders Show came on. My heart was a burning ash of woe.

People say I'll get over this. All it takes is some time and maybe even a new girl to capture my heart. But no one can ever take the place of her. How could they? Whenever there is music, my sweet musical dreamer is there. (Sniff)

June MSTie of the Month: tomservo@tiac.net

NAME: Paul Duca
RANK: MSTie First Class
SERIAL #56954

The calendar says I was born in February, 1964...but I feel my life didn't begin until June, 1995. That was when my cable system added CC, and I discovered MST3K. Not only was it funny and intelligent...it even made references to things only I thought I had an interest--who else was even aware of the TV show CAPTAIN NICE?
From then on MST has been central to my life. I got myself online just to join the survival campaign (and give tribute to my hero), recruited friends and co-workers to write and fax, and kicked in for the ad in VARIETY. I signed up for ConventioCon in January, and saw the Movie 29 times. My Saturdays revolve around the Sci-Fi Channel, and I await Rhino getting off its leathery butt to bring us more episodes.
In the down times between episodes I work in the accounting office at the headquarters of the Boston branch of Goodwill Industries. When I'm not posting to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc I like to enter sweepstakes. Collect old game shows and commercials. Listen to Huey Lewis and the News, and watch other shows with MST's attitude (TALK SOUP, POP-UP VIDEO, DUCKMAN, ANIMANIACS, SABRINA).
When I grow up I would like to be as quick with a line and good with a tune as Kevin Wagner Murphy (I got to talk to him in the men's room at ConventioCon).

MST3K Trivia with Cambot@webtv.net Winners

#6 "Hair Brain Productions" correctly answered by our own head poobah.

#7 "Tiger Bot" answered by MattTRobot@aol.com

#8 "Glen Manning" answered by MSTClone

#9 "Stoyko Hasquities, Phil, and That Little Red One" correctly done by Cornjob.

#10 "Johnny Longtorso" was guessed by RedServo@spintheweb.com

#11 And nobody has answered it correctly yet! Hint: It was a season five episode.

July MST3K Schedule on SFC

(All times Eastern/Pacific)
Airdate Time ### Episode
7/12 5:00 PM 813 Jack Frost
7/12 11:00 PM 813 Jack Frost
7/19 5:00 PM 814 Riding With Death
7/19 11:00 PM 814 Riding With Death
7/26 5:00 PM 810 The Giant Spider Invasion
7/26 11:00 PM 810 The Giant Spider Invasion


Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.

(C) MCMXCVII MSTies Anonymous -
mstanon@msties.com - kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu - Cool6000@juno.com

"Vend-A-Gut; the first vending machine that dispenses real human organs!"

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