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MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 9 06/15/97
MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 8 05/15/97
MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 7 04/15/97

MSTies Anonymous Newsletter
News for the Obscure Convergence
Internet Edition - Volume 8

In This Issue

From the Poobah
"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com
"College Students Produce Quality Cheese" by ASTONE@st1.wou.edu
"MSTable Movies and MST3K Merchandise" by Rmichel424@aol.com
"The Conspiracy Revealed" by jdzarnst@hilltop.ic.edu
"My Take on the Satellite News Going Online" by smitty@logantele.com
"Money For Nothin'/I Want My Deep 13" by mstanon@msties.com
"Perfect MST3K Ep!" by tvfrank@ix.netcom.com
May MSTie of the Month: Novas@ix.netcom.com
MST3K Trivia with Cambot@webtv.net Winners
June MST3K Schedule on SFC

From the Poobah

Hello, MSTies! This month's issue is HUGE, thanks to your help. The current record is now set at seven articles. Let's keep up the good work, shall we?

Starting off is Cornjob with his new column, "Cornjob's Corner." In the future, it'll become an advice column regarding MST3K with your questions. Send your pleas for help (anonymously signed and all) to him for the new regular article.

In case you haven't noticed it already, the long-awaited Java Chat is finally up and running! I'll host chat events every so often and... Yeah, whenever I feel like it. I plan on being in there for a while before new episodes premiere on Saturday and during the early reruns. Be sure to stop by and talk with anyone there! I'll try to get a better schedule...

And now, right here on our stage, let's give a big round of applause to Gaos the Great!

"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com

This is a story of hope. Um... no. Well, then this is a story of peace. Well... not really. This is a story of one man's struggle through the turmoil of World War II. What the?!?! Heeeeyyy!!

Actually, this is a story about nothing and everything. And yes, I could be more vague. Well, to be more specific, it's a story of my life as a MSTie. How I must overcome all of the "What the heck is this?!" and the "Why are those stupid robots sitting in front of the screen and keep interrupting the movie?" about MST3K.

Hello, I'm Cornjob. My friends call me Jordan. Because that's my name. What? Think my parents would name me Cornjob? That's just my stage name.

Some people ponder the meaning of life, some try to figure out cures for diseases, while I walk around trying to figure out why Tom Servo was plastered to the wall with vegetable matter in episode 416 Fire Maidens of Outer Space. Guess it's just the way we all think. I sure hope it's not just me. IS it? SOMEBODY SPEAK UP!!!!

As a MSTie, I am compelled to search for potential MSTies. I pull them into my tractor beam and make them watch episode after episode of MST3K until they say uncle. Or is it aunt, maybe second cousin. Oh well.

Though I have very few episodes on tape (only 19), I still find myself watching them as much as humanly possible. That's just the kind of guy I am. By the way, I need episodes, but that's not what this is about. What is this about? No matter. I shall continue to write this article until all are asleep face flat on their keyboards. Hahahahahahaha!!! You're stuck here!!!!

That's just a little peek into my life. Wait, that's my whole life. I think I've said too much. I must ride into the sunset and escape the authorities until I make it to Mexico.

Thank you.
I'll be here all week.
And please, try the veal.

"College Students Produce Quality Cheese" by ASTONE@st1.wou.edu

This article is not about MST, but it is about low-budget, cheap, cheesy programming, so it is still appropriate.

I just wanted a little glory from my baby, THE W-FILES. Thus far, though I came up with the idea, am a co-writer, chief editor, producer, director, and costume/set designer, I have as yet had almost no press.

The W-Files is an X-Files parody that we make here at my tiny university, and it stars a ragtag bunch of students who are great at their parts but often have to go over a scene 600 times before it is worthy of inclusion. We work with a camera that is only very slightly better than a camcorder, and an editing system that is little more than two VCR's that you are lucky to time well.

But it works in the end. Heck, if the guys from MST can start out with sock puppets and a blue screen, why not? Though I doubt the show will be returning for a second season, the first season is quite amusing (if you overlook the glaring errors). Amusing fun for any fan of cheese. If you would like a copy of the series, visit our homepage at
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/4324/W-Files.htm where you will find instructions for ordering.

That's it, folks.

"MSTable Movies and MST3K Merchandise" by Rmichel424@aol.com

As you all know, there are many movies out there that deserve to be on MST3K. Like most of you, I too like to make jokes at these bad flicks. I think Sci-Fi Channel should give MST3K a real budget and let them make fun of more recent films. Big budget hits and flops that did not get good ratings.

I would love to see Mike and the Bots heckle and trash movies like Congo. I also think they should make fun of TV movies as well. If it was two parts on TV, make a two part episode of MST3K. I have a list of films that I think they should poke fun of:

In case you are wondering what the heck Project: Metalbeast is, I'll tell you. (1970's) It is all about this Army guy named Butler. He and another officer are in a European country on a secret mission. Their mission is to secure a blood sample from a real werewolf. The partner dies in the process and Butler takes the blood to a research lab. The sample is almost depleted and Butler injects the rest of the sample into himself to become a werewolf so they have more blood to sample. Soon he turns in to a werewolf and kills one of the researchers (so the Butler DID do it!?! My, wasn't that a cliché?). He is shot with silver bullets and dies. The research head puts Butler's body in cryogenic storage.
Now we jump to present day. Some military research med students are trying to find a way to make a skin for severe burn victims. The "skin" is like metal. They need a human body to test its effect on. The director of the research (same head from 70s) gives them Butler's body. They remove the silver bullets and Butler lives again!! They are ordered to go ahead and use the body. It turns to night and Butler turns again into a werewolf. Now he is bulletproof from his new skin. He kills a few of the students. They melt down the director's silver coin collection and make a missile head. They are chased by Butler's shaggy alter-ego. They shoot (they score!) him with the missile and hit him in the heart. Butler explodes. THE END.

Galaxy of Terror is a cheap Alien imitation. It was so bad I was forced to make jokes. There was a Daniel Stern look-a-like guy in it. Eeeeewwww. Some other jokes were:

>Sixty-ish commander climbing up the side of the alien pyramid. Off screen you hear him scream. Then you see his backpack slide down the side first. Then he comes rolling after it.
Crow: Knick-knack-paddy-whack, give a dog a bone! This old man comes rolling home!

>Airlock door opens. The pilot's body is standing there burned to a crisp. (And looks a bit like the Melting Man's wife.)
Mike: That's what happens when you stay under a tanner too long.
Servo: And the bad thing is they won't give refunds!
Crow: Looks like "Bride of the Melting Man"!

I think that it would be great if Mike and the Bots had to MST those STUPID commercials that they always show on TV. You know what I'm talking about. Those commercials that are so annoying or are just plain dumb. Now that would make the commercials watchable. Here are some examples of what they could do:

>Little Girl: Grandpa, can I marry you?
Crow: Hey it's Anna Nicole Smith at age five!!

[Car ad]
>VO: It has the largest trunk space in it's class.
Mike: Now you can store more bodies in your trunk.

[Soap ad]
>(Someone washing.)
Tom: I feel pretty, o' so pretty!

[Psychic hotline]
>Woman: Hi I'm _______.
Mike: I knew she was going to say that.
>Woman: And these are real psychics and not actors.
Crow: Just take my word for it!!

[Soap ad]
>(Shot of how soap kills germs.)
Mike: Go away you nasty germs or you'll get more of the same.

[Soap ad]
>(Shot of more people washing.)
Tom: Yes, these people have obsessive-compulsive disorders.

As we all know, Best Brains cannot take any ideas, jokes, scripts, etc. from the loyal legions of MST3K fans. Like most people, I too have a lot of, what I think, really good ideas for MST3K merchandise. Here are a few of the ideas I came up with:

Now let's hear some of your suggestions. Well, that's it for this article. Now push the Button, Frank!

"The Conspiracy Revealed" by jdzarnst@hilltop.ic.edu

Hello, friends. Glad you could make it. Have a seat.

The purpose of this article is to bring to your attention the most frightening evidence of conspiracy to surface in this great nation of ours since Oliver North's last cinematic fever dream, whatever the hell it was called. This may shock and offend some readers, so if you have small children with you, kill them. It's for their own good, trust me.

All done? Good, now we can get this monkey act started.

The conspiracy I speak of, friends, is no other than:


That's right, friends, the spacebound sarcastros that have kept you in stitches for years and the maladjusted maestros that brought you "Particle Man" are inextricably, I repeat, INEXTRICABLY linked. I type it in all caps, it's so doggone inextricable. A few examples from the 1994 TMBG album "John Henry" are in order to prove my point...

EXHIBIT 1: From the popular single "Snail Shell", the second track on John Henry-

>"I'd like to thank you for putting me back in my snail shell."

The "shell" being referred to here is, quite obviously, the Satellite of Love. The speaker here is neither Mike nor Joel, but BOTH, the indelible spirit of humanity that pervades the robot-dominated haven of the SOL and maintains some twisted sense of order and sanity among the chaos. It vanished for a short time with the liberation of Joel, but with Mike's instatment, it was "put back." Get it? Moving right along...

EXHIBIT 2: From the song "Spy"

>"I see you through my spyglasses, baby..."

Aha! An unmistakable reference to Rocket #9!

>"I can see right through the ground."

Right through the ground, underground, DEEP 13??? Think about it, won't you?

EXHIBIT 3: If you play the title line of the song "Meet James Ensor" backwards at half speed, you can clearly hear the message:

"Crow is a groovy golf shoe."

It's TRUE, I tell you!

EXHIBIT 4: From "Thermostat"

>"When the hands that operate the motor lose control of the lever..."

Mike/Joel and the 'Bots frequently lose control of the satellite and their surroundings in general. Don't you see it? It's incredible! The parallels to The Godfather are...well, not really...that well developed, I... uh... hmm...

Huh? What's that? My point? Well, I'm glad you asked, I... um... well, I, uh... don't really have one. I was hoping that sort of, uh, a theme would pop up along here somewhere, but it...uh...doesn't seem to be... maybe if I point out just one more-


Hey, knock it off! Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to throw things? And besides, rotting tomatoes are unsanitary. Now anyway-

Ow! Hey, I said cut it out! What the- OW! OW! Hey, it was just a theory, I didn't mean- OW! Stop it! OW! HELP! OW! POLICE! OW! OW!!!

"My Take on the Satellite News Going Online" by smitty@logantele.com

I have to say that I am delighted that Satellite News is going online. However, it is the same as MSTie News, just with beefed up graphics and sanctions by BBI and the Sci-Fi Channel. What I am concerned about is the thousands of fans that do not have Internet access. In the past years, online MSTies have always been first to know of late-breaking MST3K news and info. Now they have been completely cut off. The wonderful newsletter, although only received twice a year, brought joy to MSTies everywhere. What will they do now? Now I understand that a lot of households now have Internet access, but there are still news-deprived MSTies that do not have the Internet, or other online services (AOL... AHH!!!!).

Anyway, I think BBI should rethink the process of not sending out any more newsletters. How hard could it be to turn out 2 newsletters a year? I mean, they are still maintaining the Info Club, why not continue to put out the newsletters? It is not like a weekly 100-page Time magazine or something to that extent. Am I the only one who thinks this way?

What do you folks at home think?

"Money For Nothin'/I Want My Deep 13" by mstanon@msties.com

Now look at them robo's that's the way you do it
You shoot out the riffs on the SFC

That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb

Maybe get Deep Hurting from a little "Manos"
Maybe get a Bouncy Upbeat Song

We gotta attend ConventioCons
Get some autographs please

We gotta buy their MST Movie
We gotta get a chunk of Deep 13

See the mad scientist with the streak in his moustache
Yeah buddy that's his own hair

That mad scientist went to L.A.
That mad scientist he's a millionaire

We gotta attend ConventioCons
Get some autographs please

We gotta buy their MST Movie
We gotta get a chunk of Deep 13

I shoulda done stand-up where they are
I shoulda learned to make those puns

Look at that mama, she got it stickin' in the camera
Man we could have some fun

And he's up there, what's that? 2001?
Wantin' The Worst Movie Ever Made

That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13

We gotta attend ConventioCons
Get some autographs please

We gotta buy their MST Movie
We gotta get a chunk of Deep 13

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You shoot out the riffs on the SFC

That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13

Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13

I want my... I want my Frank, TV's
I want my... I want my Frank, TV's

"Perfect MST3K Ep!" by tvfrank@ix.netcom.com

My perfect MST3K ep (or maybe another movie) would have Mike 'n' the Bots watching ID4. The opening segment would have the Bots playing chess and would have Crow wearing glasses and Servo with a deep Yiddish accent (like in the movie). Once they get into the theater, the riffing would commence! Some of the riffs would include: (when the phony looking alien comes after Brent Spiner) "Oh, the alien is on stilts!" (Anybody got any more?) The host segments would have Mike 'n' the Bots trying to save a planet from the aliens from the movie and they would have Gypsy whip up a nice virus for them to plant in the ship and but when they think they whipped the problem, the aliens ask Mike for some help and (not thinking) he tells them just to get a virus detection program. Then there would be one more planet Mike has helped to destroy, D'OHHHHHH!

May MSTie of the Month: Novas@ix.netcom.com

OH MY GOD!!! MOM, COME HERE QUICK!!! WE'VE JUST WON... whoa, hey wait. MSTie of the Month??? This means I'm like the Fan of the Month or something, RIGHT??? Well then: OH MY GOD!!! MOM, COME HERE QUICK!!!

Wow, first I would like to thank those most important in my life: that guy holding up the "Will watch MST3K for food" sign, and that old lady on the corner that wears really tight ugly clothes and for some strange reason always tells me that "It'll only cost ya fifty bucks."

Now I guess all of ya MSTies want some very personal info about me...

I'm 16 years old, I have a driver's permit, and I'm taking classes to get my license in August (the month of my birthday). By the way, I live in the Bronx. Oh heck let's get stereotypical. I be livin' in DA BRONX, BAY-BEE!!! It's not as bad as some think. I've only had one car stolen, and my cousin's in jail.

Some things I like: violent action games (you may have heard of some titles: Duke 3D, Quake... RING A BELL?), sports games (EA and racing), GIRLS (of course), drawing cartoons (like my image), uh, goofing around, wearing JNCO's and Airwalks, and on Saturdays at 4pm and 11pm EST I watch "Three's Company."

Was I supposed to keep this thing SHORT???

Forget about it, GIVE the MSTies sumpin' good to read!!!

I'm planning on going to the Rochester Institute of Technology, if anybody has any important info or close relations to the school please let me know at novas@ix.netcom.com.

Oh yeah, I do have a web page. (JESUS CHRIST, WHO DOESN'T???)

That's where you can reach it. I HAVE NOT UPDATED IN A WHILE!!! BUT PLEASE CONTINUE TO CHECK IT OUT... THE IMAGE I HAVE INCLUDED WITH MY LITTLE PIECE OF NONSENSE IS JUST A LITTLE PIECE OF THE STUFF I WILL INCLUDE (very soon). Also, it's being made with Microsoft Front Page, so it has to be good.

Boring you yet???


I watch MST3K. They have a Website, too.

Thank you, MA, for giving me this randomly-generated honor!!!

I can right alot (I'm in the journalism class in my school *giggle*).

Send any warez, hate letters, electronic plastic explosives, zany ideas, or maybe artwork requests. Send 'em to me.

Anthony Q. Casasnovas
AlienSoft/ Novas Designs Inc.

I'm gonna be at PC Expo (no, I'm just visiting).


Bye already!!!

"I'm Ted Nelson" -Novas

I'm outie!

MST3K Trivia with Cambot@webtv.net Winners

1. mike_nelson@usa.net

2. Cornjob@hotmail.com

3. Cornjob@hotmail.com

4. Cornjob@hotmail.com

5. Cornjob@hotmail.com

6. mstanon@msties.com

7. mstanon@msties.com

8. Cornjob@hotmail.com

June MST3K Schedule on SFC

(All times Eastern/Pacific)
Airdate Time ### Episode
6/07 4:00 PM 811 Parts: the Clonus Horror
6/07 11:00 PM 811 Parts: the Clonus Horror
6/14 4:00 PM 812 The Incredibly Strange Creatures
6/14 11:00 PM 812 The Incredibly Strange Creatures
6/21 4:00 PM 809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf
6/21 11:00 PM 809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf
6/28 4:00 PM 801 Revenge of the Creature
6/28 11:00 PM 801 Revenge of the Creature


Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.

© MCMXCVII MSTies Anonymous -
mstanon@msties.com - kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu - Cool6000@juno.com

"They stole my traysure and I feel displaysure!"

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