Experiments MSTies Anonymous SOL Post The Club MSTie Net



624 Samson vs. the Vampire Women 03/25/95
The Movie This Island Earth 04/19/96
701 Night of the Blood Beast 11/23/95



Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie This Island Earth
Prologue: The Mad Doctor
Segment 1: Good Morning Mike
Segment 2: Pilot Error
Segment 3: Servo's Interociter
Segment 4: A Little Metaluna Mixer



Prologue: The Mad Doctor


Dr. F: Ah, you're here. Hello. Welcome. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and soon, you will all bow down before me. What you are about to see is an experiment. And by observing, you have become part of that experiment. For I have shot a man into space and have been driving him crazy by forcing him watch the worst movies ever made. Oh sure, we all thought about it, but I had the guts to do it! Oh! This is my test subject, Mike Nelson, a disgustingly mild-mannered dope who's managed to survive every film I've subjected him to. But perhaps this movie will drive him to the breaking point and crush his soul. And then, I'll unleash it on an unwitting public and then, I will rule the world! Yes! Hahahaha! Hahaha! I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naughty! Naughty... Well, you will join Mike in watching the Universal classic, "This Island Earth". Now prepare yourself for my maddest madness yet... Oh, poopie.


Segment 1: Good Morning Mike


Gypsy: Morning, Mike!
Mike: Oh, morning, Gypsy. What do you got for me?
Gypsy: Oxygen-nitrogen mix is within required standards. We are currently in low-orbit over southern Madagascar. And that wonderful smell is a lamb roast I have in the oven!
Mike: And sweet yams?
Gypsy: Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's wire service reports. Here's a hard copy. The Cubs lost again.
Servo: Why hello, Mike! Everything workin' fine on the old Satellite of Love today, hmm? No dangerous problems or mishaps in sight, hmm?
Mike: No, Tom, everything appears nominal.
Servo: Ah, nominal. Good, good. So I guess that means you're not worried about what that rhythmic pounding might be...
Mike: Yeah, what is that?
Servo: Yeah, what is that, huh? I'm a highly-sophisticated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you this is not something you should be hearing. Something's causing this, Mike. Hmm, now let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here...
Mike: Okay, Tom, where's Crow?
Servo: Where's Crow, huh? I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see that little moron headed towards the basement with a pitch-axe in his hand!
Mike: Gypsy, go to condition yellow! We've got to stop him!
Gypsy: Roger!
Crow: It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know! Goodbye to Noah Beery, hello Harold Lloyd! Ugh!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Crow, listen. You've got to stop.
Crow: Oh hi, Mike! I found the perfect spot. Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth. Ugh!
Servo: Crow, you big dope, you can't tunnel through space.
Crow: Come-come, boy! We must confound Jerry at every turn!
Mike: Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!
Crow: Ugh!
Mike: Aah! Crow!
Crow: Oh, I didn't expect this!
Servo: Woah, gaining maximum RPM, adjust pitch and yaw thrusters, stabilized... There, that should do it. Woah!
Crow: Woah, this is confusing! Mike you wanna hand me my calculations? Thank you. Wow, look at that. "Breach hull, all die." Even had it underlined. Ha!
Servo: Woah, ow! I don't wanna die! Ow! Mommy, mommy! I love you, Mike! Ow!
Mike: Servo!
Servo: Aah!
Mike: Atta boy, Servo!
Crow: Well I won't do that again.
Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly, I love it!
Mike: Now Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts.
Crow: Oh, believe me, Mike. I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway.
Mike: Oh, here you go.
Servo: Ah, darn.
Gypsy: It's time. Dr. F is calling for you.
Dr. F: Ah, Mike, robots... I'm feeling particularly evil because today's experiment is a stinky cinematic suppository called "This Island Earth". You may just all bow down before me after this stink-burger. Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you've bowed down before me recently.
Mike: Uh, sure we have! Last week.
Dr. F: No, no, no... I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down... now.
Mike: I don't see any reason to make us... Oh, oh! Cough, cough!
Crow: Uh, bowing, sir!
Servo: YesIambowingbeforeyouhowwonderfulyouare...
Mike: Alright, Dr. Forrester! Geez!
Crow: What a dickweed.
Dr. F: Well, now that we've had our little fun, prepare yourself for uh, but before I start the experiment uh, did you... you know... go?
Mike, Crow and Servo: Yes.
Dr. F: Because I don't want to have to stop the movie for... you know...
Mike, Crow and Servo: You won't.
Dr. F: Then prepare yourself for "This Island Earth"!
Mike: Aah, we got Movie Sign!
Crow: Aah!
Servo: Aah!


Segment 2: Pilot Error


Dr. F: Oh, son of a... Ugh. Ah. Minor film break. Happens all the time. Know exactly what to do. Ah, oh. If my plan for breaking Mike's will by making him watch this horrible movie goes as planned, I should be ruling the world by oh, 6:00, 6:30 at the latest. Oh! Aah! My coat. Just...
Crow: That Cal fella, what a maroon! Who'd be stupid enough to give him a laboratory or let him fly a jet?
Servo: I like Joe. Hehe.
Mike: Yeah. You know, if I had been flying that baby and had a low-altitude flameout like that, I'd just reduce my elevators, dip the nose, and fire up the engine.
Servo: You don't know how to fly.
Mike: Sure I do! I'm fully instrument-rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator.
Crow: Well, then you fly the Satellite of Love!
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: What, this thing? No, I can't do that, see, 'cause it's not the same. There's no air-foil, so there's no ability to turn when you're up in the... Oh, alright, alright. Fine, you two. Spread out, spread out!
Gypsy: What would you do on the drunken sea, early in the morning? Hey, hey...
Mike: Okay. Out, baby. Out, out, out, out, out.
Gypsy: Well, don't come crying to me when you get us all killed.
Mike: Alright, okay. Let's see here... Well hey, this is going to be easier than I thought! Hehehe. ...Oh!
Servo: The hell?
Crow: Hey Mike, you hit something! It's the Hubble! You killed the Hubble!
Mike: Gypsy, could you please maybe help...
Gypsy: Uh-uh! No way! This is your dishwashing liquid, you soak in it!
Mike: Ah, ah! The Manipulator Arm! The, the Manipulator Arm.
Servo: Carefully, carefully... There Wait, wait. It's only $6 billion, remember.
Crow: Hope you're insured, Mike.
Servo: It's just the most expensive satellite ever built.
Crow: It's very fragile... Well, was very fragile.
Servo: Better leave a note on the windshield, Mike.
Crow: Yeah. Just back away slowly, and... Aah!
Servo: Don't do that!
Mike: Oh! I'm sorry. I'll just... Now, I'll just release it gently like a sparrow into the night's sky.
Crow: Good night, sweet Hubble, and a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Aah!
Crow: Oh, good one, Mike.
Mike: Well, how could it do that? It couldn't possibly...
Servo: Oh, great. And now we have Movie Sign.
Crow: Oh...
Gypsy: Go on, I'll take care of this.
Crow and Servo: Mike broke the Hubble!
Gypsy: Boys.
Crow and Servo: Mike broke the Hubble!


Segment 3: Servo's Interociter


Servo: Interociter, Interociter... Let's see here... Under the peanut brittle? Nope. Monkey's elbow... Shoestring potatoes... Hey, a can of hamdingers! Nope, no Interociter. A Spirograph... I know it's around here somewhere. No, it's not there. Oh, there's my Etch-a-Sketch. The trackball that never worked... Hot tomales... Another can of hamdingers...
Mike: Why all the underpants, Ser... vo?
Servo: Oh, these. Heh. I collect 'em.
Mike: Huh.
Crow: Hey, a chainsaw!
Mike: Wait a second! Servo, you do have an Interociter.
Crow: Huh?
Servo: I've been using it to make hot chocolate.
Crow: Well, let's see what this baby can do.
Mike: Would you take those off?
Servo: Hey!
Benkitnorf: She'll be ridin' six white horses, she'll be... Aah!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Aah!
Servo: Oh!
Benkitnorf: Man, you guys scared the living daylights outta me.
Mike: It's working. Hey, is Exeter there?
Benkitnorf: Nah, him and Brack went down to Headbutt Days for Shelly. I gotta meet him in the beer tent in about fifteen minutes, so I gotta get going.
Servo: No, wait! We're trapped in space. Can we use this thing to get back down to Earth?
Benkitnorf: I don't know. Geez. Maybe this does something.
Servo: Aah!
Benkitnorf: Crap. That's not it. Hang on.
Servo: Cough, cough...
Benkitnorf: Okay, did you use the Intensifier Disc?
Mike, Crow and Servo: Yes.
Benkitnorf: Turn the controls 18 degrees to the left?
Mike, Crow and Servo: Did that.
Benkitnorf: Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?
Mike, Crow and Servo: No.
Benkitnorf: Well, look. I don't know anything about this thing. Maybe this does somethin'.
Servo: No!
Benkitnorf: Oops, that didn't work. Okay, well I'll be sure to tell Exeter that you called! Bye.
Crow: No, wait!
Servo: Hold on!
Mike: You have to help us!
Dr. F: Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise. Like who doesn't have an Interociter, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back into that theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember, I know who you are, and I saw what you did! I'm the God. I'm the God! Ahahahahaha!


Segment 4: A Little Metaluna Mixer


Dr. F: Aha! The movie is over, the experiment is complete. And, if my calculations are correct -- into 1, adjust for pi -- Mike's will should be broken just about now! Haha!
Crow: Broken?! Woo-hoo! Hey Mike, your spirit feeling broken?
Mike: Heck no, we're fine, Dr. Forrester. In fact, we're just having ourselves a little Metaluna mixer.
Gypsy: Just call me Ruth, Mike.
Servo: Hey, check me out! I'm just like one of your insects, larger of course.
Crow: C'mon, everybody! Make with the smoke, man! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Dr. F: So, you're having a party, eh? Well, every party needs a pooper! Hahahahahaha! Ahahahahahahaha!
Mike, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Hahahahaha!
Dr. F and Benkitnorf: Hahahahaha... Aah!
Servo: Well hey, look at that: Dr. Forrester's gone!
Crow: Alright, now we'll never get back down to Earth!
Mike, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Hahahahaha!
Mike: Hey, wait a minute...



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