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910 Final Sacrifice 07/25/98
911 Devil Fish 08/15/98
912 Screaming Skull 08/29/98



911 Devil Fish A Best Brains Production
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
911.wav "Goodness. That's my special line; a beer is in trouble somewhere!" -Mike 51k



Prologue


Mike: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. My name is Mike Nelson. Or it used to be. You see, until recently, I was just like you. I believed that everything taught me and everything was as it seemed. And then one day I found myself pursued by agents of a secret government project, who basically wiped out every shred of evidence that I ever existed. They took everything: my identity, my life. Now I'm on the run, never knowing when I'll be caught or where my enemies will turn up. But they should know: I will do anything to get back what is mine.
Crow and Servo: Hey, Mike! Mike!
Mike: Yeah?
Servo: We found your wallet.
Mike: Oh.
Servo: It was in your room.
Crow: Yeah. Everything about your identity is there. You can relax.
Mike: Oh, I guess I didn't have to do very much at all to get back what's mine.
Servo: Oh, you weren't telling them about the secret government conspiracy, were you?
Mike: Well, my wallet was missing...
Crow: Folks, listen. Pay no attention to this guy. Everything is exactly as it seems.
Mike: Yeah, we'll be right back. Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. How do I know this is my wallet is mine?
Servo: It is. Look, same picture of Mark Spits, even.
Mike: Oh, good.
Crow: Sad, really.


Segment 1


Mike: Ooh. Got to say, it's good to have the old identity back. Ah!
Crow: What? What? What? Mike: They took... They took my identity! Everything I ever... Servo: Mike! Mike! No! They...
Mike: Oh, wait. It's right here. Sorry. Whew. Oh, Mrs. Forrester is calling.
Crow: And you want to hang onto an identity like that, huh?
Servo: Sheesh.
Observer: Aloha!
Bobo: Hey, welcome!
Observer: Welcome aboard.
Bobo: Hello! Aloha!
Observer: Bobo, Bobo... I think the idea is to distribute them one-by-one and then let the guests... handle it from there.
Bobo: Oh, I get it. Silly me.
Observer: Yes, that's it.
Bobo: Hello! Aloha!
Observer: No, you idiot! Let me show you to your cabin.
Bobo: Hello! Bon voyage! Arevederchi!
Observer: Ow! Ow!
Pearl: Son of Nel. Listen. Our phone number accidentally got printed in an ad for a cruise ship deal. Bobo took 2500 reservations before he told me. But the money's so sweet, I decided to keep it. Then we left port before they could get on. Hehe. Well, except for those two early nerds. But, hehe. We left 2498 suckers ashore. Hehe.
Mike: Hehehe. But you live in a castle, so how... Hahahaha.
Pearl: Shut up. Okay, we gotta give 'em the whole QE2 deal, so we need ice sculptures for the buffet table. Hey hey, Clorox-face. Send 'em the raw materials.
Observer: Aye aye, Sir!
Pearl: Shut up and just do it.
Observer: Right. Boy, people...
Crow: Wha, huh?
Mike: Huh.
Servo: Oh.
Norm: Ann and I would like to see the upper deck now.
Pearl: Oh, sure. But oh, the seas are too rough right now.
Observer: Oh, yes. Yes.
Pearl: Woah! Feel that?
Bobo: Too rough for Fiji, even. Hehe.
Observer: But still, smell that salt air.
Ann: I'm getting sick, Norm.
Observer: Oh. Mrs. Dash air, actually.
Bobo: Hey, Lawgiver. It's not to rough to feed me, is it? I mean, it's not too rough... Ow! Ow!
Pearl: Okay, let's see what you got.
Servo: Well now, I made a sort of environmental sculpture with my ice, setting it in a surrounding of gin & tonic. Aesthetically pleasing and vera, vera refreshing. Hehehe.
Mike: I, uh... I, I tried to... uh, weld mine. And uh...
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: Geez. I dunno.
Crow: Well, I give you Michaelangelo's David.
Servo: Wow, Crow! Bigger than the original! And out of four ice cubes?
Crow: I'm just efficient, I guess.
Servo: Man.
Mike: Yeah, I could have, uh... coulda done that, I guess... but I was, uh... trying to weld mine.
Servo: Wow.
Crow: Right, Mike. You made that clear.
Pearl: And now it's time for your on-deck movie, to be held below-decks today because of the aforementioned rough seas. Ooh! Woah!
Bobo and Observer: Woah! Woah!
Pearl: It's called "Devil Fish" and it features many nautical themes and many Italians pretending to be Floridians. Mike and 'Bots, also enjoy. Brain Pan, send it.
Observer: Yeah.
Mike: It just needs a little off the calf.
Crow: Oh, stop it! Good gravy, man. Don't you ever learn?
Mike: Sorry. Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Crow: How do people get knowledge, anyway...


Segment 2


Crow: You know, dolphins are really smart, aren't they?
Mike: Oh, yeah. Totally. Smart as you please.
Servo: Oh, yeah. The way they jump for things...
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: And click and buzz to kind of talk...
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: And flip over and um, swim... There's that. And, uh... eat fish.
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: Other things, I guess.
Crow: You know, dolphins are really dumb, aren't they?
Mike: Hell, I dunno anymore!
Servo: Well what's with dolphins anyway, you guys? Are they smart or are they dumb?
Mike: Uh, well let's find out.
Crow: Oh.
Mike: You know, I have Sea World on my speed-dial.
Servo: Hey!
Crow: Good idea.
Mike: Maybe let's just call them and see...
Servo: Yeah.
Sea World Phone Representative: It's a great day at Sea World! How may I direct your call?
Mike: Hi, uh... Yeah. Blowie the Dolphin, please.
Sea World Phone Representative: I'll connect you.
Crow: Blowie?
Mike: Yeah, there's always a Blowie. Hi uh, Blowie? Mike Nelson here. Yeah. Uh... See, we have a rather delicate question for you.
Servo: So are you guys just stupid or what's going on, anyway?
Crow: Hehehe. Yeah, I mean if you're so smart, how come don't you speak English or play the drums?
Servo: Good point.
Mike: Yeah. Eheheheheheheh! That's your answer to everything, pal. Well listen up, Flipper...
Crow: Uh, Blowie.
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Blowie. Whatever. Hey you know, everyone thinks you're Einstein or something. Well we think you're just an evolutionary culdesac. Couldn't swim your way out of a hot tub. What do you think of that, sardines?
Mike, Crow and Servo: Oh!
Mike: Yeah, hey. Hey, tell it to pop, pal. Or better yet, why don't you talk to me? C'mon up here.
Crow: C'mon!
Mike: Let your flippers do the talking.
Crow: C'mon!
Mike: 'Cause I am standing here, man. I am waiting for you.
Servo: C'mon!
Mike: C'mon, bring it on!
Crow: C'mon! C'mon!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Woah!
Gypsy: Alarm! A dolphin warship has just decloaked off the port bow.
Mike: Ah! Uh, Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine.
Gypsy: Its propulsion and weapons system are advanced far beyond our understanding.
Servo: Boy. Whoa! Woah! Woah!
Crow: Aah! Aah!
Servo: Aah! Do something.
Mike: Hello, Blowie? Uh, we're sorry about everything. Yeah, we uh, didn't understand. So again, sorry. Sorry.
Crow: We take it all back!
Mike: Sorry. Sorry about that. Bye.
Crow: Whew.
Servo: Woo!
Crow: You know, dolphins are really smart.
Servo: They sure are.
Mike: Yeah, really smart. But uh, touchy.
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: Woo.
Mike: We'll be right back. Man, say the slightest thing...


Segment 3


Mike: And that was the day I met Dick Meeker.
Crow: Aww, that's nice.
Gypsy: You guys! We got a call from this weird lady. Real mean, but kinda stupid.
Servo: Hmm.
Gypsy: A lot of dishwater-blonde hair.
Crow: Oh, Mrs. Forrester!
Gypsy: That's who it was.
Crow: Yeah.
Gypsy: Anyway, she's going to be sending an electrician up here to do some stuff.
Crow: Thanks, Gyps'!
Gypsy: Okay.
Mike: Hey, hey! An electrician.
Servo: So?
Mike: Oh, c'mon! Everybody knows about electricians.
Crow: Um, Mike... Just because the movie vaguely implies that some electricians may be lacking in something.
Rick: Hey, Mike.
Mike: Yeah.
Rick: I'm going to be, um... Uh, installing some uh, grounded outlets along the base floor back there.
Mike: Oh! Okay. Great, we need those. So thanks, I appreciate it.
Servo: Oh, Mike.
Rick: Yeah, uh... So anyway, you should be able to run your uh, de-humidifier off those, uh...
Mike: Oh, great. I'm great. You know what, I just want to warn you; you've got a little spot right there on your shirt.
Servo: Oh, boy.
Rick: Yeah, okay.
Crow: It's embarrasing.
Mike: Oh. Hey, look at this, you guys. "You see, I know how to use the phone because I'm an electrician. What pisses me off is that some guys blah, blah, blah..."
Servo: Aah!
Crow: Woah! Ah!
Gypsy: Hey, Mike! Dolphin warbird decloaking off the port bow.
Mike: D'oh! Oh, Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine. What in blazes is going on?
Rick: I tell ya, after this movie came out, we electricians started having alot of trouble. So we formed a mutual defense pact with the dolphins.
Servo: Are they going to kill us?
Rick: Unless your mouthy friend here apologizes... Yeah, sure.
Crow and Servo: Mike...
Mike: Well, I'm sorry.
Rick: Apologize as nicely.
Mike: Okay, okay. I'm very sorry. I apologize to all electricians. I realize now that electricians provide a valuable service and possess a level of technical knowledge far beyond anything I could ever grasp. God bless electricians.
Rick: Great, I'll be uh, getting back to work then.
Mike: Okay. I am sorry! Hehehe.
Servo: Hey, idiot. We got Movie Sign.
Mike: Which we could never have without electricians.
Crow: Oh, shut up.


Segment 4


Mike: What? What's that, Cambot? What? Look at ourselves on the monitor, boy? Okay. Why, we all look vaguely Italian!
Crow: Vaguely.
Bobo: Better one or... better two?
Pearl: Yeah. Vaguely Italian, Mike, but it's not good enough.
Bobo: No.
Pearl: See, our guests were enjoying "Devil Fish," but then having you guys pop in periodically and do whatever it is you do up there... Well, it kinda confused 'em. So I'm trying this special image and sound filter on the projector to make you guys look all Italiany. Like the actors in the movie.
Bobo: It'll leave the transition for them and make you guys less noticeable, which is good.
Pearl: And you won't feel a thing. Uh... okay, go a level up.
Bobo: Okay... There.
Pearl: Yeah.
Mike: Pearl, what do you do this for?
Servo: I dunno, Mikey. I kinda like a the look.
Crow: I can't a wait to go to the beach and wear a tiny G-string and a golden chain.
Mike: You're a turning us into broad stereotypes.
Bobo: I know, I know. I'm sorry. But these adjustments are very delicate.
Pearl: Here, here... Let me try it...
Bobo: No, get your hands... No, look out! Too much! No, look out! Oh, no! Ah!
Crow: Hey, gondola ride for you and the lady, Signior Monkey?
Servo: Oh, why you break a your mamma's heart? Eh manja, manja!
Mike: Hey, a Pearl! Turn it off! You make us such broad caricature.
Crow: O solo mio...
Mike: Oh, we got a Commercial Sign.
Servo: Eat! Antoni! Antoni!


Segment 5


Crow: Well anyway, Mike, I think WOI was on the right track, attempting to raise profits by combining a shark and an octopus. I just think it may have been the wrong combination. I mean, what about combining a poodle and a flag? I dunno, not quite yet... Uh, what about a snail and a parrot? Hmm, not close enough. Not there. Um, what about you, Servo? What would you combine?
Servo: Who, me? Why, I think I'll combine a lick and a me and ship it right over to ya.
Mike: Hey, now. C'mon, now.
Servo: Well now c'mo- Well what the heck does he care, anyway?
Crow: Well I just think that was completely uncalled for.
Mike: Down to you.
Servo: Ridiculous! Why would anybody care for?
Crow: No, I'm just trying to figure out the movie!
Pearl: Hey, Nelson Losedella. We almost got these bass-ackwards, chicken-fried idiots into thinking this is a cruise ship. Now we just have to get through the captain's dinner. What could possibly go wrong?
Bobo: As captain of this castle... Ow! Oh. And by castle, I mean ship... Hehe. I'd like to welcome you to my table. Waiter, if you'd serve the crap, please?
Pearl: Your scallops in herbed butter, crushed in toast and served in tiny, little marshmallows, madam.
Norm: Uh, captain, when will we be allowed up on deck? Captain?
Pearl: Captain?
Bobo: Ow! Quit hitting me.
Pearl: Well answer the nice guests.
Bobo: Ow! Son-of-a... That's it!
Pearl: Aah! Isaac! The tranquilizer gun! Will there be anything else?
Norm: Uh, no.
Ann: No.
Norm: We're good.
Pearl: Great. Enjoy your...



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