Mike: Mmm. Hi, everyone. Crow, Servo. Glad you're here.
Mike: Just got this notice here from Gypsy. Apparently, she's got to work on the main switching unit?
Mike: I dunno. So in a couple of minutes, the power's going to go down.
Mike: Hey! Hey! I know what you're thinking, and no looting this time. You understand?
Mike: Alright, what'd you loot?
Crow: Well, I broke into my own room, managed to get away with my TV. Hehehehe. I'll never miss it.
Mike: Okay. Tom?
Servo: Ah well, I threw a mannequin through your window, Mike.
Mike: Wait, wait... Where'd you get a mannequin?
Servo: Well, I keep one for power outages. Anyways, threw it through your window, managed to get away with your recycling here. I'm not a very good looter, am I?
Mike: No. No, you're not.
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender.
Mike: Alright, what'd you loot now?
Servo: Loot? Oh, no. I'm not looting. I just accidentally dropped an anvil into your box of commemorative plates. Oh hey, look! Pearl's calling. You wanna get that?
Pearl: And then, I will rule the world! Hahahahahahahahahaha! That needs a little background, doesn't it? The deal is, Smell-son, I'm going to rule the world. But you don't rule the world by going at it all scattershot. Nope, slow and steady wins the race, old nut. So, I'm going to rule the world, but I'm going to do it one person at a time. Hahahahahahaha! Now, who's first?
Observer: Here he is, sir! A Mr. Todd Gunderson.
Pearl: Ah, Gunderson, eh?
Todd: Uh, Todd's fine.
Pearl: Todd, Todd, good. Well, Todd, what do you say? Can I rule you? Can I, huh? Can I?
Todd: Rule me? Uh, no.
Pearl: What if I say I'd kill you if you didn't let me?
Todd: I'm sorry, but I really don't feel all that threatened.
Pearl: Get out of here. Next.
Observer: A Mr. Tom Servo, ma'am.
Servo: Hey, guys! Here I am. Hehehe. Hey, glad to help!
Mike and Crow: Servo?
Servo: Yep, it's me. Heh. Brain Guy brought me down. My name was next on the list! Totally random! It's weird...
Pearl: So, Tom Servo, what do you say... Ca... Don't I know you from somewhere?
Servo: Could be! I do get around. Hehehe.
Pearl: A Tom Jones Theater in Branson, Missouri. You tried to steal my purse and I beat you in the knee.
Servo: No, no, no, no. Must've been some other lucky guy! Hehehehe.
Pearl: Well, it's not important.
Pearl: Can I rule you?
Servo: Sorry, baby, nobody rules the Tom-monster!
Pearl: Damn, your defenses are impenetrable! Brain Guy, send Mike the movie while I figure out this whole world-ruling thing.
Observer: Certainly. Mike your movie today is, if one can measure these things, the worst thing to ever come out of Canada. It's called "The Final Sacrifice." Uh, ma'am, may I have the robot?
Pearl: Oh, yes.
Observer: They need him for the movie.
Servo: So long, toots! Take me up, Curly.
Observer: What? Curly? Why, I never...
Servo: Here I am, guys! Uh, guys?
Mike: We're in the theater!
Crow: C'mon, you dummy!
Mike: And then the drunk guy says, "I can't help being an idiot; I'm Canadian."
Crow: Hahahaha. You're right! They're so pathetic, Mike!
Mike: Right, exactly.
Servo: Enough! There's been too much Canada-bashing for far too long. I say no more.
Mike: Don't you mean, "No more, eh?"
Crow: Good one, man! They are so stupid!
Servo: Stop it now! Instead, let us offer our northern brothers and sisters this song of tribute. Oh, I wish I was back in old Canada, a land which I never shall lampoon. How I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba and the beauty that is Saskatoon.
Mike: Oh, I got one. Oh, I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta drinkin beer with some big, dumb guy trapping fur.
Mike: As he scraped and he chisled all the moose dung off his boot, I would learn that he's the prime minister.
Servo: Oh, stop that.
Crow: Oh, I wish I was in the land that gave us Peter Jennings, Alanis Morrissette, Mike Myers too...
Crow: No, I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me! Oh, Canada, you are a place I must eskew.
Servo: Now this is not in the spirit that I intended.
Mike: Oh, come on. Give in. I mean, they gave us Ed the Sock... and Rush.
Crow: Yeah, what are you defending? They're such feebs!
Servo: Okay, I'll try.
Mike: Alright, good man!
Servo: Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island, then going on to bomb Ontario. Hehe. The destruction of Canada and all of its culture is by far my favorite scenario.
Mike: Okay, I think that's a little strong. You can back down...
Servo: Oh no, you were right, Mike. This is much more fun! Just where the hell does Canada get off sharing a border with countries far superior to it?
Servo: Why, you lousy, stinkin', Francophonic, bacon-lovin' bastards, your country's just a giant piece of sh...
Crow: Woah, woah, woah, woah! Geez!
Mike: Okay, I think that's enough! I think we've punched it. Cambot, okay. Thanks. Alright.
Servo: I have no sense of proportion. I'm a disgrace to my uniform.
Mike: I know. That's, that's okay. Now calm down now. Mustn't hate, mustn't hate...
Crow: At least so overtly.
Mike: Exactly, right. Must disguise our hate. Just a little, okay? We'll be right back. Shh, shh. It's okay now, Dudley. Calm down, calm down.
Servo: Pardon é mois! Pardon é mois!
Pearl: Bad news, losers. We won't be in today 'cause Bobo ate a bad can of Canadian bacon and he came down with Hockey Hair and now we've all got it.
Bobo: Lady? Lady? Can I watch Power Rangers?
Mike: Well gee, Pearl, that's too bad. I guess that means it's contagious?
Pearl: Oh, I'm sure you guys will be fine. I mean, we live with the ape so when he gets Hockey Hair, we all get Hockey Hair. Don't worry.
Bobo: And, and, and, the doctor says I'm about to have Whoppers sprayed and melted malt balls.
Pearl: Yes, yes.
Servo: But... Oh, d'oh. For cryin' out... it's an airborne virus! Sheesh!
Crow: Mike, what's your deal? How come you have it?
Mike: Oh, I had it once already. From uh, 1982 to 1992. Once you get it once, you can't get it again.
Pearl: Oh, no! You guys got it too, huh? Well the best thing is to just let it run its course.
Observer: Well, I think it's great! I've never felt so masculine. I feel like Gi Lafleur.
Bobo: It's time! For my hourly Ben & Jerry's.
Crow: I have this intense craving for Zoobas.
Servo: Oh, Movie Sign!
Mike: Woah, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: Oh, Sherri!
Servo: I'm having trouble finding...
Crow: Nothing? Absolutely nothing?
Servo: Nope, nope. Sorry, Crow. But from everything I've read here, there's nothing we can do about Hockey Hair. We just have to get plenty of rest and hockey and let it take care of itself.
Crow and Servo: Woah! Mike!
Servo: Ah, geez!
Mike: Hi, guys.
Servo: Mike, what happened to you?
Mike: Oh, I'm just seeing what it's like to smoke a pipe.
Crow: No, no, no. It's you hair... It's like, uh... It's... Look.
Mike: Ah! Woah, holy cow!
Servo: Don't panic now, Mike. You've simply got a case of uh, Grizzled Old Prospector's Syndrome.
Servo: It's not surprising. It is associated with immunity to Hockey Hair.
Crow: Yeah, it might not even be a full-blown infection... Unless you've been saying "consarndit" alot?
Mike: Nope. Consarndit, can't...
Crow and Servo: Oh!
Crow and Servo: Oh!
Mike: Oh, well fiddlesticks!
Crow and Servo: Oh!
Mike: Little varmints, I guess I am hornswaggled!
Mike: Well, what do you reckon I should do about it?
Servo: Well, lessee... Nothing to do, Mike. You just gotta let it run its course.
Crow: Yeah, you'll want to pan for gold probably. You'll probably buy a mule...
Mike: Oh, alright. Well, wonder how I picked it up?
Servo: Well, lessee... You been kissing any prospectors?
Mike: Hold on, wait a minute... No, no I haven't. No.
Crow and Servo: Whew.
Mike: Oh, no. You know what? That was a surly truck farmer.
Mike: Durn fine kisser, tho.
Crow: You old coot, huh? We'll be right back.
Crow: We shall meet at midnight.
Servo: And then we shall kill Mike.
Mike: Hi, fellas. How's it going?
Crow: Nice flowers.
Mike: Thanks! Hey! You guys didn't take and go start a cult, did you?
Servo: Haha! Cult? A cult? No, of course not.
Crow: That is the most absurd thing... Well, yeah. We did.
Servo: Yeah. Wanna join?
Mike: No, I don't want to join! You'll probably be sacrificing black pullets and wearing goat heads and things.
Crow: Well, we thought about all that, but it just seemed like a lot of work.
Servo: Actually, we just like to bake muffins, lots of different kinds.
Crow: Yeah, then we get together at each others' houses and watch Ally McBeal.
Servo: Or one of our collection of taped Sisers episodes.
Crow: Yeah, we're kind of a muffiny, Calista Flockheart, swoozy kurts kinda cults.
Crow: Uh, Mike?
Servo: Boy, I think we freaked him out.
Crow: Okay, Mike! We strip to the waist, worship an evil emination, and lop peoples' heads off for fun.
Crow: Sound less weird?
Mike: Ah, yeah. That's a little easier to take.
Mike: Oh! Ah, Pearl's calling.
Pearl: Ah, Nelson. So glad we could join you. For you see, I am about to take a giant step forward in my program to take over the world one person at a time. After hours of tough negotiation, I am about to take over the mind, the soul, the very will of this man here. What was your name again?
Pearl: Alright, Carl, you've cowered at my threats, you've relished my rewards, you've eaten me out of house and home, now sign!
Carl: Surely, my liege! Hold on, let me get this. Yeah. Really? How much? Sounds good, thanks! I'm sorry, lady, I was just taken over the the Travellers Group. Gotta run! Bye!
Pearl: Monkey. Whitey. Hold on him. I guess the Mrs. Mr. Nice Guy approach just ain't my style! Mwahahahahaha! So very shortly now, Nelson, I will rule Carl! Haha!
Carl: Lady, you're going to have to answer to the Travellers Group!
Bobo: Gimme back my phone!
Carl: No! Ugh, ugh...