||Touch of Satan
Mike: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. You're probably wondering what's up with Crow here. Well, I'll let him explain. Go ahead.
Crow: Explain what? Oh! Yeah, the nest. Um yeah, it turns out that the top of my head provides a perfect nesting site for the rare Spix's Macaw. I've known that for some time, but this is the first year I've had an actual brooding mother.
Mike: See, what I don't get is how you could not notice them building a nest on the top of your head.
Crow: Well, I was aware of some activity, Mike. But you know, it was the top of my head! I suppose you know every detail at all times of everything happening at the top of your head?
Mike: I guess not.
Crow: Yeah, see?
Mike: When does that hatch, anyway?
Crow: Uh, pretty soon, Mike. It's been three weeks, and to tell the truth, I'll be a little relieved. The Spix's Macaw is not a small bird! So when the mother's actually here, sitting on my head with the brooding spot, all pink and warm with no feathers... Whoa, whoa! Here she comes again! Damn, another one.
Mike: Great. We'll be right back.
Crow: Mike, would you mind doing this one? I feel like I've done my part for the Spix's Macaw.
Mike: Well you're the one with the perfect nesting site head!
Crow: Back! Get away, you mongerel! Cease and desist! Back, I say! Okay, you mongerels. Hahahaha! Eat it!
Mike: Crow, everything allright?
Crow: I uh, had a little weasel problem there, Mike. They were trying to steal my poor little eggs! I never knew weasels could be such... weasels.
Mike: Pearl's goons are calling. Yello?
Crow: What, you want a little more?
Observer: Allright Spritle, this time you are one dead monkey. One, two, three... D'oh! Aah, God! Allright, best out of ninety-nine, then!
Bobo: Oh, hello disturbingly unhairy ones! The Lawgiver is still gone...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Whee! Yay! Hoo!
Mike: Yes! That's a shame...
Servo: Doggone it.
Bobo: But stay tuned for this important message from her! Okay, rubber-armed companion.
Observer: Allright. Accessing satellite relay to Los Angeles... Come in, Pearl! Pearl, come in! Come in, Pearl! Pearl! Pearl! Come in. Can you read me? Pearl!
Pearl: Calm down, Brainiac. Yeah, hi everyone. I flew the van out here to L.A. to try and find some more movies to torture you guys with. Thought I'd consult an expert, so I took in and went and got this guy from Entertainment Tonight.
Leonard: Hello, Mike. Hello, small robots. How can I help?
Mike: Leonard Maltin! Pearl, you are connected!
Servo: Excuse me, Mr. Maltin! What do you make of the stylistic resurgence of Italian neo-realist filmmaking in the vein of Dececa's "Umberto Di"?
Crow: Yeah, Maltin. Is it true that they're working on yet another remake of "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh"?
Mike: Oh, yeah.
Pearl: Stop bugging Mr. Siskel with questions!
Pearl: He's helping me. So what do you recommend, Roger?
Leonard: Leonard. I'd highly recommend the 1961 monster movie "Gorgo." It's sort of a British take on the Godzilla thing.
Mike: Uh, Mr. Maltin, is "Gorgo" really that bad? I mean, you're not really gonna hurt us, are ya?
Leonard: Well, that's a matter of opinion, Mike. Now I actually like "Gorgo," but when we reviewed it for my number 1 best-selling Movie and Video Guide, it put two of my assistant editors into intensive care. So who knows? Besides, Pearl promised me a light lunch at SkyBar.
Pearl: No, I said one appitizer only, Ebert.
Pearl: Okay, Mr. Maltin-Ebert. Don't push your luck or it's a small decaf at Starbucks. Brain Guy?
Observer: Oh yes, Pearl. Do you mind?
Bobo: Please, not at all.
Observer: Okay. And... go. Oh! D'oh!
Mike: Hey Crow, your eggs are gone.
Crow: Uh yeah, they got taken away by Egg Protective Services. I accidentally made an omlette in front of them and kinda spooked 'em.
Mike: Yeah, well I hope you get to visit. Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: Thank you, Maltin!
Gypsy: Uh, hello. I'm Diana Ring. Inspired by the guy in today's movie who kinda looks like Samuel Beckett, we present to you a tragic comedy in one act: "Waiting for Gorgot." Thank you, won't you.
Crow: Nothing to be done.
Servo: I'm beginning to come around to that opinion.
Crow: Let's go.
Servo: We can't.
Crow: Why not?
Servo: We're... waiting for... Gorgot.
Crow: Ah, yes.
Mike: ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!
Crow: Aah! And here he is! Aah!
Mike: ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!
Servo: Whoa, no! No! No!
Mike: ROAR! ROAR!
Crowd: Bravo! Bravo!
Mike: Oh, no. Please.
Crow: Thank you.
Servo: Yes! Yes!
Gypsy: We'll be back after this message from Whiskier Cigarettes.
Crow: Filled with butter?
Mike: Guys, look at this! Guess what I got? The William Sylvester version of Trivial Pursuit!
Crow: William Sylvester, hmm.
Mike: Yeah, I could've gotten the Baby Boomer version of the William Sylvester version of Trivial Pursuit, but I just thought the basic version would be... you know, a lot more fun. What color do you want?
Servo: Well, let me answer that by ansking you who the hell is William Sylvester?
Mike: Oh, come on! He's the guy today's movie!
Crow: I'm not recalling any GUY in today's movie.
Mike: Oh, come on! He was the main guy in today's movie. Plus, he was in "Riding with Death," and "Devil Doll," plus "2001: A Space Oddysey," plus a whole bunch of other... Oh, I see what you guys are doing. I see. You're trying to learn all about William Sylvester so you can beat me at the William Sylvester version of Trivial Pursuit! Well then you can't have it! But you can go first, Crow.
Crow: I don't want to.
Mike: There you go. One... Okay, you have history of William Sylvester. Okay, in... Oh man, this is so easy! In "2001: A Space Oddysey," what character did William Sylvester play?
Crow: I don't know.
Mike: What do you mean you don't know? Heywood Floyd! Heywood Floyd! Everybody knows that.
Servo: Heywood Floyd.
Mike: Okay, fine. Your turn, Servo.
Servo: Oh, goodie!
Mike: Okay, here we go. Oh, man. This is... Oh, this is incredible! In the movie "Gorgo," who played the character of Sam?
Servo: I don't know.
Mike: What do you mean you... It was William Sylvester! It was William Sylves... We've been watching the movie today! Come on, you guys.
Crow: Gorgo? Huh.
Mike: You're not even trying. It's like you're trying to sabotage my William Sylvester version of Trivial Pursuit.
Servo: Well we are, Mike.
Crow: We patently don't care about William Sylvester.
Servo: Not a bit.
Mike: So you're conceding?
Crow: Yes, we concede.
Mike: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I know more about William Sylvester than you do. Or you. Yes! Yes!
Servo: Sad, really.
Mike: I'm the king of everything. Oh, Movie Sign! D'oh!
Mike: Well hey! What's this?
Crow: Looks like the Nanites made themselves a little circus!
Servo: Oh, they must've been watching the movie, those little dickenses.
Mike: Well, let's see... Hello, Nanites! What's going on down there?
Ned: Ladiesandgentlemen! Childrenofall ages! CometothespectaculargargantuanNaniteBros.andDorkinCombinedAvianicCircusandCarnivalofSouls!
Mike: Wow, it sounds great. How much does it cost?
Ned: I'mnotdoneyet. GASPinhorroratthelargelyironicmidwayandSQUEALwithdelightattheanticsofNatetheClown!
Nate: Heythat'sme! Hohohahahahahaha!
Mike: Okay okay, you sold me. How much?
Ned: Onlytwenty-fivecents! That'srightaquarter! Twobits! Fivenickels! Onequadrantofagreenback!
Mike: Well, I got a handful of quarters. Are you guys in?
Servo: Well you bet!
Crow: I want to see the ironic midway.
Mike: Here you go, palee!
Ned: Aaaaah! Ohthehorrors! Thecurseofthecircusisuponus! Giantstonesfellfromtheskyandourclownisdead!
Nanite: Ahthemicrobesareontheloose! Theameobasareonarampage! Run!
Mike: Wow, sorry. I was just tossing 'em on.
Crow and Servo: Don't!
Ned: Herecomesanother! Thecircusisdestroyed!
Crow: Maybe we should go to the zoo instead.
Mike: That's a good idea. We'll be right back.
Servo: Clown killer!
Servo: Dear, dear, dear, dear.
Crow: Whoa whoa whoa, Mike! Little help here, please?
Servo: Yeah, Mike. Slight problem here.
Crow: Yeah, we went and pre-sold a series of calendars featuring the hunks and babes of the hit film "Gorgo"...
Servo: Yeah, sold it to a New Jersey firm. Rough-looking guys in dark, late-model cars...
Mike: Uh, the mob?
Crow: Right, the mob.
Servo: The mob.
Crow: The mob, exactly. Well, we filled out our hunk calendar with that William Frawley guy you seem to like so much.
Servo: We had no idea there wouldn't be a single woman in the whole movie!
Crow: Right, now there's the problem. Save our lives.
Mike: Okay. Save your lives... Save your lives... Uh, well there are women in the film. I know that. I'm just not sure they have the sizzle for your mob calendar.
Servo: Well, we'll take what we can get here.
Mike: Allright. Well Cambot, let's get a look at the monitor there. I'm not mistaken... When the two guys are getting off the boat in Ireland, I believe there is a woman standing right there. Can we get a look at that?
Servo: I think you're right! Hey!
Crow: Well, hey yeah!
Mike: Yeah, there you go. I'm not sure she's featured in the film, however.
Crow: Man, not a problem. We airbrush out any blemishes, clip her out and put her on the head of a Lamborghini, and we've got Miss July.
Mike: Oh, okay. Gorgo's chasing people through the streets, bunch of crowd scenes there. I think there's a woman there. Cambot, can we fast-forward to that? Right around... There... Well, yeah. There.
Servo: Ah, yes! Perfect! Change her hair, put her in front of a fireplace in a rugged lodge and we've got ourselves a best-seller!
Mike: You guys are on your way. Okay! Well back you you, Leonard Maltin!
Pearl: Why aren't they suffering? What's the deal, Leo?
Leonard: I don't understand it. In many cases, "Gorgo" has been known to induce hallucinations and mild drooling at the very least.
Pearl: Well you'd better start understanding. I want the worst movie ever made and I want it now, Rex Reed.
Leonard: Just hold your water. Let me see... I want to hurt 'em as much as you do. I've got to have something really bad... Worst movie... I would think of something with Mickey Rourke.
Pearl: Yeah, yeah. Now you're talking. Cross-reference that with Eric Roberts and we're in business.
Pearl: You're dead, Nelson!
Leonard: Yeah, I think so. We're going to use my new, updated Movie and Video Guide. We'll find the worst movie ever and then, it's curtains for you.
Pearl: Hahahahahahaha! What did you say your name was?
Leonard: Maltin. Leonard Maltin.
Pearl: I like you, Leonard. Hahahahahaha!
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