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902 Phantom Planet 03/21/98
903 Pumaman 04/04/98
904 Werewolf 04/18/98



903 Pumaman A Best Brains Production
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
903.wav "My name is Vadinho." -Vadinho
"I'm an onion." -Crow
22k
903a.wav "Pumaman, he flies like a moron!" -Crow 38k



Prologue


Mike: Hi everyone, Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. We're...
Servo: Hey man.
Mike: Oh, hey Servo.
Servo: What, are you saying I'm short? Huh? What?
Mike: No, I was going to ask where you've been.
Servo: Oh, well, I had karate then I swung by the gym to lift 'cause I had some extra time before pickin' up my hot new girlfriend, Christie, who will most likely wear her thong as she clings to me on the back of my Harley. Yep. Yeah, we're gonna make out in public.
Crow: Servo, you look different. Hey, you've got lifts in your hoverskirt, don't ya?
Servo: Hey, man. Watch what you're saying there, man.
Crow: You do! You have lifts in your hoverskirt!
Servo: All right, that's it!
Crow: Whoa, whoa, easy, easy!
Mike: Take it easy, Tom. I'm afraid you've got Short Man's Disease.
Servo: Wha?
Mike: It's the tendency for height-challenged males to overcompensate for a perceived lack of machismo.
Servo: So, what you're saying I'm short? Huh?
Mike: Yeah, I'm afraid that is implicit.
Servo: Man!
Mike: No problem, though. We just rub a little baby aspirin on you...
Servo: Oh, no! No! No!
Mike: You'll be fine.
Servo: Blah! Blah!
Mike: There, that's better. We'll be right back.
Servo: Can I keep my numchuks?
Mike: We'll see, hon'.
Crow: Violent shrimp!
Mike: Little baby short man, we'll see.


Segment 1


Mike: Well, how's your courageous battle with Short Man's Disease?
Servo: Oh, ah! I'm over that. Turns out I'm not even short! Ha ha ha ha.
Crow: Right.
Mike: Huh.
Crow: Well, how 'bout your face, Servo? Does your face hurt?
Servo: Uh, no. Why?
Crow: 'Cause it's killin' me!
Mike and Crow: Ha ha ha ha!
Servo: Geez, really? D'oh, geez, I'm sorry, Crow. I'll have that checked right away.
Crow: Oh, nevermind.
Servo: Wow, I had no idea.
Mike: Ah, let's see what Pearl and them want.
Crow: Jah, just ruin my joke, why don't ya.
Pearl: How nice to see you, Nelkirk. I only have a moment, I'm expecting everyone for the ball. Isn't it marvelous? Everyone, simply everyone is invited to my ball. Except, uh, let's see. Except... uh, Michael J. Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy, and a Tim Servo. I'm dreadfully sorry, there just wasn't enough room. And this, this is my first ball. Why, that walls of this castle barely hum with the unearthly presence of parties past. Listen!
Bobo: Um! Yum! Num! Yum! I tell ya, Lawgiver, these canapes are flyin' outta here! I can barely keep up with myself!
Pearl: Well, anyway, this ball shall celebrate the triumphant return of a Forrester to this dwelling of evil!
Mike: Well, that sounds great Pearl. Hope your party's a big success. When does the ball start?
Pearl: Um... oh, in about... two and a half hours ago. Okay, I'm gonna need you guys to pretend like you're part of the party. I think that will really draw in the rest of the guests. So, come on! Mingle! Make it look like you're having fun!
Servo: Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What a marvelous anecdote. So, how do you know Pearl?
Mike: Well, she's got me trapped up here, actually.
Servo: Really, how awful for you.
Crow: Say, Mike, you gonna introduce my to your purple friend here?
Gypsy: Don't you dare, Nelson!
Servo: Oh, I say, everyone! Everyone! Let's play charades in the parlor! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Crow: Oh, baby, why you gots ta go?
Servo: Ha ha... huh?
Bobo: Yum. Cheese! Glorious cheese!
Pearl: Oh, forget it! You couldn't mingle your way out of a wet paper bag if it was perfect... Brain Guy!
Observer: What?
Pearl: You must get ready for the ball! It might be gonna start soon!
Observer: Thanks anyway, Pearl, but I'm just gonna stay in tonight.
Pearl: It worked! Everyone, they're here!
Observer: Ah, this way, Ortega. I invited Ortega overnight to watch "Sliders" in my room. We won't get in your way.
Ortega: Guh. Nuugh. Nuh.
Pearl: Oh... thank you, Ortega. You look... ravishing too.
Observer: Oh, right, this way, you guys! This is Ortega's cousin, Staci, and her boyfriend, Brian. This is, uh, Pearl... So, anyway, we won't get in your hair. Come on, you guys!
Pearl: Uh, I hope we won't disturb you with all the fun we'll be having! Okay, you kids, you're gonna watch a movie while Pearl has company. It's "Puma Man". And no coming downstairs during Pearl's party!
Observer: Oh, by the way, Pearl, if anyone else should happen to swing by, just point them back to my room. Thanks a lot.
Pearl: Of course.
Bobo: Ah! More canapes? I'm eating these things faster than I can turn 'em out! Ha ha! Oh, a junior mint! Ah! Oh!
Servo: Ha ha ha... oh, crap, I got bean dip all over my new silk organza tools strapless dotted...
Mike: D'oh, now we got Movie Sign! What else can go wrong?


Segment 2


Mike: Come in, Nanites!
Crow: Hey, Spike! What are you doing?
Mike: Oh, I'm getting a hair appointment with the Nanites. I'm thinking of getting the dry look like the guy in the Puma movie.
Crow: Mike, your sense of taste, like always, is unerring. Go for it, ya turkey!
Shelli: HicanIhelpyou?
Mike: Oh, yeah, I had a hair appointment for... now.
Shelli: OhhiMike! Arewegonnadothesameaslasttime? Er...
Mike: Whoa, uh, hi Shelli. No offense, but last time you made my hair like 70 miles high. So, I was wondering if any of the other stylists were available? You know, Decka or Zhandell.
Shelli: Oh... Isee. Iunderstand.
Mike: Great, 'cause, you know, I don't wanna...
Shelli: They'reallbusy. Ijustchecked. It'sjustmenowwhatdoyouwant?
Crow: Whoa.
Mike: Uh, well, if I could get the dry look... if it's not too much trouble. Huh.
Shelli: Trouble? Whywoulditbeanytroubleatall? It'snotroubleatall. Soyougotthedayofftoday? Er... Youlivearoundhere? Er... Isitprettyniceouttoday? Er... Thereyou'redone:thedrylook.
Mike: Well, uh, thanks, Shelli. I hope I didn't offend you. Whoa, so sensitive. Man!
Crow: Mike, I think she might have went just a little too dry.
Mike: Ah, what are you talkin' about? I'm sure it's... ow! Oh! Well, maybe she went a little heavy on the mousse, but once I shower I'm sure it'll be fine. We'll be right back.
Crow: You know, if we can just redirect a river onto your head, I think we can salvage it.
Mike: So you like it?


Segment 3


Crow and Servo: Yes. Yes.
Mike: Hi guys, what's...
Servo: You are the one! The gods have picked you!
Crow: You are Coatimundi Man!
Servo: And it is time to don your hero's costume! Your Coatimundi look will inspire fear in the superstitious criminal mind.
Mike: Well, okay, I'll give it a whirl, you know, if I've been chosen and all!
Servo: Evil beware, Coatimundi Man is born this day!
Mike: Okay, I'll just put on my stuff. We've got kind of a "Rhoda" vest going here, looks like, and... ooh! a Dr. Who scarf!
Crow: Yes! And with all the attendant powers of the majestic Coatimundi!
Servo: Yes!
Crow: For instance... uh...
Servo: Uh... yeah, yeah, and... well... for example... uh...
Crow: Well... you can shoot... uh... magnetic... uh, laser... beams... from... from your nose!
Servo: Yes! Yes! And now he is the mighty... yet mysterious Coatimundi!
Crow: His powers are yours! It is your destiny!
Mike: Okay, well... you know what, destiny or not, you guys, I really had my heart set on those cold leftover sesame noodles, so I'll be your mythical hero later, okay?
Servo: But wait, don't you hear? Your inspiring hero's theme song is playing!
Crow: Oh, and see? The gods are coming from space to tell you you must serve, or evil will triumph!
Mike: Oh, wow, well, I see a beach ball, and a string, and a string on a pulley, and there's Gypsy! Hey Gypsy!
Gypsy: Hey Mike! Sorry!
Mike: That's all right!
Servo: Uh... she's doing the will of the gods!
Crow: Yeah, pay no attention to her!
Mike: Uh, well, you know what, hey Gyps, I really am gonna grab those noodles, you wanna split 'em with me?
Gypsy: Mmm, yummy! Let's go!
Mike: Okay, let's go!
Crow: D'oh! There goes our gods.
Servo: Huh.Well, uh... it would appear that he is not yet ready to accept his Coatimundi nature!
Crow: Uh... yes! And the gods are certainly, uh...
Servo: Yes.
Crow: And the gods will be, uh... man, they're gonna finish all the cold sesame noodles!
Servo: I know, let's go! ...Oh, Movie Sign!
Crow: Ah, we're not gonna get any!


Segment 4


Servo: Hey, look what we made, Mike!
Mike: Why, that looks like... Why, that looks for all the world like a replica of the head of Roger Whitaker.
Crow: We made it with our genuine Aztec mask.
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: Wow, that's great. You know, I can hear him sing right now... "I'll have my ship out in the haaarbor!" ...I assume you gained control of his mind and will?
Servo: Oh, there's no other reason that I can think of to own a replica of the head of Roger Whitaker.
Mike: Yeah, exactly. But, I have to ask, why? Why Roger Whitaker? Why not, say, Barbara...
Servo: Felden? Right, we thought of that. Okay, Mike? And Sting, and Chipmunk, and Senator John Warrner...
Crow: And Puff Daddy and Al Checchi and Webb Pierce and Judy Karn and Joan Sutherland...
Servo: And George Lindsay and Barbara Bush...
Crow: And people like that, and, Mike, when you only have time to effectively control one person...
Servo: We have other things to do, Mike.
Crow: ...Then Roger Whitaker is the perfect choice. Take our word for it.
Servo: Mm-hmm.
Crow: It's who we got, now what do you want to do with him?
Mike: Oh, me... well, ah... I can't think of anything at all.
Servo: Well, gah, use your imagination, man! It's Roger Whitaker! I mean, that means songs, sure, but he can probably do other things.
Crow: Uh-huh.
Servo: You know, light typing and filing. And maybe you need help with your hand-washed there.
Mike: No, no I don't. I... frankly think it's a waste of time.
Crow: Oh, fine. We go through all this trouble, hand Mike the head of Roger Whitaker, and he drops the ball!
Servo: Brother. Here's the wheel, here's Mike: "Duuuh? What do I do with this? Uhh?" Well, you can just go on with your Roger Whitaker-free life, you poor sap, but the next time you need to hear "Durham Town", you're on your own. Good luck!
Crow: Remember, though: we control Roger Whitaker!
Servo: That's right.
Crow: So watch your back! Roger Whitaker could be on you at any moment.
Servo: There he is!
Crow: Whoa!
Servo: I'm kidding... this time.
Crow: Yeah, look at him run. We'll be right back, everybody. In the meantime, be on the lookout for... Roger Whitaker!
Crow and Servo: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... ha ha ha ha ha ha!


Segment 5


Servo: Ah. Roger Whitaker... obey!
Crow: Well, here it is: I'm officially tendering my resignation.
Mike: Okay... Wow, it looks very professional.
Crow: No, stop trying to talk me out of this Mike, I've made up my mind.
Servo: Obey.
Crow: Who knows, maybe somewhere out there is a guy who's forced to watch good movies. Huh. Well, so long, fellas. It's really been a good ride.
Mike: Okay, we'll see you then.
Servo: Roger Whitaker...
Crow: Hey everyone! I'm back! Ha-hey! The place looks great! Hey, how are you guys?
Mike: Good.
Crow: You know, I'm freelance now. It's really going good. Say, any uh... any chance you have something here for me?
Mike: Well, uh... right now, there's only part time and you won't get benefits.
Crow: Oh, fine, fine, fine! Whew, I'm employed again. Man, what a stressful episode of my life that was. Oh, I don't know how I survived.
Servo: I didn't even know you left!
Mike: Hey, we better check on Pearl. How's the ball going, Pearl? Huh?
Pearl: Ball, schmall! Nobody came except Bobo, and he snapped his tether and joined Brain Guy and the 70 other people who just showed up. Just listen to that!
Bobo: "In your eyes..." Oh, ha ha ha.
Pearl: How's this gonna look to my ghostly ancestors? Isn't there anybody up there who can give me a break just this once?
Roger: "Oh, I don't believe in death anymore..."
Pearl: Could it be?
Roger: Hello, Pearl.
Pearl: Mellow folk sensation Roger Whitaker! How did you get here?
Roger: Well, I sailed in and... "left my ship out in the haaarbor!"
Pearl: Oh. Roger, you've saved my ancestral ball.
Roger: Well, I'm glad to, "for you are beautiful..."
Pearl: Oh. Roger, join me in my evil plans.
Roger: Well, I'd love to, Pearl, but... "tomorrow, for old England she sails..."
Pearl: Yes, perfect. You sail to England, contact all your henchmen; Glen Yarborough, Pete Seger, the Kingston Trio, and I will assemble an army of aging folk singers and together we will... the hell do you think you're going?
Roger: But, Pearl, they're singing the Asia songs in there.
Pearl: One more move and you're dead, Whitaker.
Roger: Ha ha! "I have no fear of death... it brings no sorrow..."
Pearl: Oh yeah? Fear this, you bearded freak!



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