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901 Projected Man 03/14/98
902 Phantom Planet 03/21/98
903 Pumaman 04/04/98



902 Phantom Planet A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by S0lCrow@aol.com
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
902.wav "The Moon has become the launching base for advanced exploration." -Narrator
"Of the Moon." -Crow
94k
902a.wav "Honey Bunches of Death." -Servo 25k
902b.wav "No fair! You can't flash back to something we saw 10 seconds ago!" -Crow 41k



Prologue


Mike: Hi everyone, Mike Nelson here. Not a lot of time to talk, you see, Crow challenged Tom Servo and I to Andy Rooney-off. No one, I mean no one questions my ability to imitate Andy Rooney.
Gypsy: Quiet. It's time for the compulsory round. Each of you will have ten seconds to Andy Rooney. Your topic: soup.
Mike: Soup!
Gypsy: Crow, begin!
Crow: Soup is funny. Not really a meal, nor is it really a first course... 'Cause it's mostly made of water. I find soup to be the most watery of foods.
Gypsy: Michael J. Nelson.
Mike: Okay, uh... Some soups have beans in them, and there are beans that are as watery as soup, but they're not soup. I don't trust soups on the whole, no more than I trust stew.
Gypsy: Tom Servo.
Servo: There are soups with bread in them. I don't really understand that. To me it's arbitrary whether you put bread in the soup, or soup in the bread. You still have sloppy bread.
Gypsy: Freestyle!
Crow: I like to exchange meat... I mean, they really don't have to worry about hair until they start running into me... I love... Woah! Mike: I was thinking about hats the other day and they talked to me about trying to keep my head all warm, but I suspect that... Servo: How would soups anger me? I'm really not so angry as to thinking about doing that. Simply until there's a period of mole...

Gypsy: Time! The results when we return.
Crow: Results are... Results are fun. I once had a... Mike: Results are funny. Some are positive, some are negative, but it's really about... Servo: Results. Why don't I have my choice of spaghetti when I can have a quarter of pasta...


Segment 1


Crow: Trophies are fun.
Gypsy: I was saying... I said... the winner is... You guys shut up!
Crow: Woah...
Gypsy: Geez...
Servo: Ever notice when Gypsy gets mad...
Crow: Sometimes when Gypsy gets mad, she gets...
Gypsy: Oh to hell with every last one of you!!!
Mike: Oh, hey Pearl's calling!
Crow: Wow.
Mike: Ever notice when she calls, the light flashes fast.
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: And then other times it flashes slow.
Crow: Huh.
Mike: And other times its kind of a slow-fast.
Crow: Kind of a slow fast
Servo: Why is it that Pearl calls sometimes...
Pearl: Oh I get it, you're impressionating Mickey Rooney. Cute. Okay Nel-burger, we're really busy. We're just getting moved in. I'm going to rule the world and I do not have time to get into it right now, so just a brief overview: I'm gonna rule the world. That about covers it...
Bobo: Hey Lawgiver, what should I do with this box of liver ats.
Pearl: Oh, that's my box of live rats. Uh, put 'em... Put 'em in the basement.
Bobo: Live rats... Goodness!
Observer: It's here, it's here! Your order from Spiegel just arrived!
Pearl: Ooooh! My world domination starter kit!
Observer: Lovely.
Pearl: Yes, contained in this box is the very means of which I, Pearl Forrester, will take over the puny, whimpering world, and command its inhabitants to kiss my grits! This! Red hot metal of destruction! The cold blue steel of this... this... what... What is this... Where are the directions?
Observer: Oh, here they are. Congratulations on your purchase of a Doomsday Machine. Some assembly required. Oh great!
Pearl: Oh, and they didn't send the thing for this...
Observer: And they didn't send the thing.
Pearl: thing. Oh and it says right here: Thing shipped separately.
Observer: For the love of...
Bobo: HELP ME! HELP ME! RATS!!! EVERYBODY!!! RATS!!!
Observer: Thank you very much. The thing.
Crow: Cool!
Servo: Cool!
Mike: Must've been sent here by mistake. We've gotta get rid of it.
Crow: No! It's ours!
Mike: Well Crow, it's dangerous!
Crow: But we love it!
Servo: Come on, Mike! It's our glowing thing. We get to keep it!
Pearl: You guys! I really need that thing for my thing. You know, sometimes I feel like you guys don't want me to take over the world. Well, never mind how you hurt me. I still want you to have your movie. It's called "Phantom Planet." You're welcome.
Bobo: Oh... Ow... They're killing me...
Pearl: Bobo, if you harm a single one of God's precious creatures, so help me, I'll kill you!
Bobo: Oh, I'm ow! They got me in the eye. Ow.
Mike: I think I better send this back to Pearl...
Servo: NO!!! Don't let her take our thing away! We'll take care of it and feed it and stuff!
Mike: Servo, whatever it is, it's very dangerous.
Crow: Oh, so "radioactive" immediately equals "bad" to you...
Mike: We'll talk about it later. It's Movie Sign!
Crow: I can't believe the way you over react sometimes, Mike.


Segment 2


Mike: Hey Servo.
Servo: Ya know Mike, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest, and the best, is to fix our attention on the good, and the beautiful, if you just take the time to look at it. Which is what I'm doing right now. I'm fixing my attention on a "Nut Goodie" and a picture of Anna Nicole Smith.
Mike: Oh right, the good and the beautiful. Sure, and uh, how's it going?
Servo: Well not good, Mike. I'm unconvinced that the Smith-Goodie combination represents the perfect balance between the good and the beautiful.
Mike: Yeah, I, I see your point. What if uh... What if I substituted a picture of Toni Katain for the beautiful?
Servo: Ah, good idea! Let's try it out here. Hm... No, no, no, no, Toni Katain is alright, but now the good looks well, kinda scrawny...
Mike: Ok, I see your point, BUT what if I substituted this plate of Sauerbraten for the good?
Servo: Ahhhhh...
Mike: Good AND substantial.
Servo: Well let's give it a whirl!
Mike: Whaddaya think?
Servo: Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES, YES!!! I think it's the perfect balance of good and beautiful!
Mike: Yeah, ya know what?
Servo: What?
Mike: Even I grow more and more convinced that the wisest, and the best, is to fix our attention on the good, and the beautiful.
Servo: Represented by a plate of Sauerbraten and a picture of Toni Katain.
Mike: Right, uh, we'll be right back.
Servo: Uh, you wouldn't want to try Tiffani Amber-Theissen and eggs-Florentine, would you?
Mike: Hmm, that's a little out there for me, you got the spinach and the Theissen...
Servo: A little wild... a little wild...


Segment 3


Crow: Yeah it's all finished. Now it's just time for the decals.
Servo: So cool...
Crow: Yeah, it is isn't it?
Servo: Wow, what do you... Oh, Pearl's calling...
Crow: Ahh... MIKE! PEARL'S CALLING!!!
Servo: Where the heck is he anyway?
Crow: I dunno. I... Oh wait a minute, I was supposed to help him with something, wasn't I?
Servo: Huh. I dunno.
Crow: I can't remember. Well... I'm sure he'll cover for me.
Servo: Yeah, usually does.
Crow: Anyway, I'm gonna put on some flames, maybe I was thinking of putting on a skull.
Servo: Cool!
Observer: ...at into Triple Zed... I simply don't understand that.
Pearl: Hello toys, as you can see our Doomsday device is coming along quite nicely and soon the world will kneel before me and I...
Bobo: Wooooo!
Observer: What was that?
Pearl: I... don't know... It sounds like...
Observer: It sounds like some horrible disembodied spirit...
Pearl: It's getting closer!
Observer: This haunted tomb of a castle has produced some hellish hell-spawn to wreak vengeance on us for our wicked ways.
Pearl: I'm not ready to die... I just want to rule the world, is that wrong?
Observer: It is amoung us! Oh Pearl!
Pearl: Embrace me in this moment of oblivion!
Bobo: Woaaaaa! Man am I tired. I feel like I'm dragging a safe, I need a nap. Wha... What the hell is this? Ha! Ain't that the berries. I've been dragging this chain all over the dang castle! No wonder I'm so tired!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
Pearl and Observer: Oh!
Pearl: Brain Guy...
Observer: Madam...
Pearl: Get the pipe wrench and then murder Bobo for me will you?
Observer: Glad to.
Pearl: Thank you. What are you looking at? Get back into that theater, you!
Crow: ...yeah, then I'm gonna throw on some Baby Moon hubcaps...
Servo: Oh, man!
Crow: It's gonna look so cool!
Servo: Oh... THERE'S MIKE! He's out there!
Crow: Oh...hehe... that's right, I was supposed to keep and eye on him...
Servo: Hehe, you... Hey Mike! Better get your can in here, it's Movie Sign!
Crow: Yeah, stop messing around, Mike, come on!


Segment 4


Servo: Okay, not quite, but almost. Let's try it again.
Crow: Okay, sure.
Servo: Okay, okay, okay...TWINK-
Crow: Oh yeah... -LE
Servo: TWINK-
Crow: Umm...
Servo: Yeah, yeah...
Crow: -LE
Servo: LIT-
Crow: -LE
Servo: STA- Ahhhhh!
Crow: Woah! Flat-a-roo...
Servo: Still, we got seven notes in. That's a new record!
Crow: That's pretty good.
Mike: Hey guy's, what's up?
Crow: Hey Mike, Tom and I saw those little glass arrangement doohickeys they used to control gravity in the movie, and we remembered we shared a true passion for water glass rim music.
Servo: And we've gotten pretty darn great at it too!
Crow: Hey Mike, ya wanna give it a try? It sure is challenging.
Mike: No, no, I'd just embarrass myself.
Servo: Ohh, ohh...Go on, I mean we've practiced and all, that's why we're good, but we won't judge you too harshly.
Mike: Oh, okay. If ya put it that way.
Crow: Okay.
Servo: Huh.
Crow: Huh. Huh.
Servo: Well.
Mike: Heh... well that's about all I know. You're right though, it's really fun. Later on would you give me some more pointers? I'd appreciate it.
Crow: Yeah, yeah, a lot later Mike, right now we have to uh, feed the cat... Well... get a cat, and feed it.
Mike: Okay, well, I'll see you later. Ba da da da da da da da da dum!
Crow: Well...
Servo: Tsh...
Crow: Hmm...
Servo: WELL LET HIM TRY TACKLING "TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR" SOMETIME!!!
Crow: Yeah! That's right!
Servo: Wanna try that huh?!
Crow: One more time!
Servo: Yes! Yes! Let's do it!
Crow: K...
Servo: TWINK-
Crow: -LE Ohhhhh. Darn. Geez.


Segment 5


Servo: Yeah, yeah that's great. Hey thanks, Mike. Man I wish I could do this myself.
Crow: Well hi, guys.
Mike and Servo: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Hey um, have you guys ever noticed how I'll see a movie, snap, lose control of myself, and decide I'm one of the characters in the movie, and then go out and dress myself that way? Ever notice...
Mike: I don't know if you do that any more than the rest of us here...
Crow: Yeah, yeah I actually do Mike, I guess I'm pretty good at hiding it, but, but LOOK at me. Apparently I've decided I'm a "Solarite."
Servo: Hmm...
Mike: Hmm, yeah.
Crow: And you know what's weird? I don't even remember DOING this. And it's a very good costume!
Mike: Yeah it is, with the eyes and the nose and all...
Crow: Yeah apparently done in a sick, psychotic amnesic blackout. And for what? Am I scary at all? Look, look.
Servo: Well, no, you look like a clown. Or like a fool. Or like a jerk.
Mike: Yeah.
Crow: Like a jerk! And that's my point, apparently I hate myself, I crave ridicule. Hit me with scorn and derisive laughter, that makes me all tingly! "Oh hi, I'm Crow. Abuse me please. Thank you." Tya, boy... What the hell...
Servo: Hmm.
Crow: You know, I hope it's ok that I talk about this with you guys...
Servo: Oh no, it's very pleasant. This is fun.
Crow: Well thanks, thanks, a lot you guys. I actually feel a little better. I'm, I'm gonna go do some journaling. Yeah, okay.
Servo: Yeah, you do that. Good Luck! What a dipstick.
Mike: Yeah. Let's see what Pearl's doing, shall we?
Servo: Mmm, okay.
Pearl: Seesh you think Crow's an idiot? Check out Pearl "World Conqueror" Forrester's Doomsday stupid Device. What a pile of... What is it with me? Am I a complete loser? I don't know Mike. Maybe this whole "taking over the world" thing is dumb. Why don't you do it or something?
Observer: Ah, Pearl, there's a mob of agitated villagers gathering below wielding pitchforks and torches. Should I ask them up?
Pearl: Terrified villagers. A pack of panicked peasants storming the castle. Is it possible they think fear and despise me and wish me dead? Haha.
Observer: Hahahahahahha.
Bobo: Hooray!
Pearl: I AM evil. I AM starting to take over the world. Bobo. Brain Guy. Prepare the boiling oil.
Observer: Yes Madam. Hahaha.
Pearl: You stupid Coolaks. You think you can bring me down. No way, Jose. You are messing with the wrong evil death...
Villager: We brought you a casserole.
Villager: Welcome to the neighborhood!
Villager: Huzzah!
Bobo: A casserole! I'll be right back.
Observer: Pearl if it's any comfort at all, I hate you, and fear you, and despise you, and wish you dead.
Pearl: Oh thanks. But I haven't got it. Let's face that. Anyway, thank you for the casser-
Villagers: Waaaaahhhhh!!!
Pearl: Brain Guy, did you see what I just did?
Observer: Girlfriend those were your instincts, you ARE evil!
Pearl: I will rule the world. I will! Let's do another one.
Observer: Oh why not?
Bobo: Hey, Lawgiver! Hey, Brain Guy! Down here!
Observer: Oh wait. Isn't Bobo down there? I suppose we'd better not.
Bobo: Waaaaahahhahahaaaaa!!!



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