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822 Overdrawn at the Memory Bank 12/06/97
901 Projected Man 03/14/98
902 Phantom Planet 03/21/98



901 Projected Man A Best Brains Production
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
901.wav "Well after fifty years, I have to admit that huge, long eyebrows don't attract women." -Mike 50k
901a.wav "And the plot thinnens." -Mike 14k



Prologue


Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Mike Nelson. You caught us at kind of a weird time. You see, we're being dragged back through this wormhole by Pearl Forrester and her minions; we don't know where we're gonna end up.
Gyspy: End of wormhole in sight. Prepare for rapid deceleration!
Crow: Whoa!
Mike: Oh! Oh!
Crow: Come on Mike, where'd you learn that little number, from Shatner?
Mike: What? I just fell down.
Gypsy: Hey, a planet!
Servo: Ah, great! Yeah, some new wacked-out world. Ya know, damnit, I'm just not in the mood this time!
Gypsy: But it's... it looks like Earth!
Crow: Oh, but it's gonna be some weirdo parallel universe Earth where the only sentient beings are zucchinis! Right, huh?
Gypsy: No, all data indicates that it is in fact our Earth.
Servo: Ah, yeah, sure, but it's like a gillion years in the future and super-intelligent Koala bears rule the planet, right?
Mike: You know, that'd be kinda cute, actually. Little...
Crow: Grow up, Mike!
Gypsy: No, it's our Earth, in the exact time we left it, so long ago. Hooray!... I guess.
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: Our own time? Cool! We can see Ethan Hawke movies again!
Mike, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Yay! Hooray!
Servo: ...Maybe not, I don't know.
Mike: That's not a good thing... no, that's bad.


Segment 1


Servo: ...Giant dogs are probably running the Department of Transportation...
Crow: Hey, look fellas: Pearl's calling!
Servo: Yeah, sure, it's probably some turnip-headed Pearl from the 8th dimension with tentacles!
Crow: Give it a rest now, Tom, that's enough.
Mike: Come in, Mrs. F!
Pearl: Hello, Mike, Robots. Cool place, huh? I don't know where we are, all I know is...
Bobo: Oh, lordy, the rupture! Oh!
Pearl: Bobo, don't play with my luggage. Set it down.
Bobo: Roger. Ohhh!!!
Pearl: I... somehow feel connected to this place, Mike. As if I have been drawn here by forces greater than myself... Hey, shut up!
Observer: Beg your pardon?
Pearl: D'ah! Don't do that! Stop with the whispery hissing, you sound like a Brian Eno record!
Observer: Well, it's not me, Pearl. I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls, wandering these dark halls in search of cursease, an end to the endless night... a howl of their quiet desperation towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe! Nepenthe!
Pearl: You are so gay.
Observer: I could be wrong, I don't know.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Hey! ...Hey!?
Pearl: I've never played before.
Bobo: Did I miss it? Rock and Roll!!! Hey! Rock and Roll!
Pearl: Bobo, put a sock in it!
Bobo: Oh!
Pearl: Mike, Robot pals... in all my travels throughout this vast cosmos, never have I felt so drawn to a place. It's as if I've come... home.
Bobo: Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! ...Oh! Ow! Ow!
Pearl: I know now where I am: my ancestral homeland, Castle Forrester. This is so freakin' cool! Bobo!
Bobo: Owiee!
Pearl: Quit clownin' around and bring in my lab equipment, all of it!
Bobo: Oh!
Pearl: Nelson, get into that theater; I've got things to do. Brain Pole!
Observer: Yes, madam.
Pearl: D'oh!
Observer: Oh, sorry.
Pearl: Send 'em a movie... something hurtful... something landsneaky...
Observer: Right.
Pearl: Searing...
Observer: Ah!
Pearl: Excruciating...
Observer: Okay, then.
Pearl: Oh, something English.
Observer: Ah, perfect! Mike and little sidekick pals, your movie this week is a tepid little serving of British cuisine called "The Projected Man." It's quite bad. Ha ha ha ha ha... ho ho ho ho... ach ach! Sorry.
Servo: Louie Louie?
Crow: Oh, mamma!
Mike: We gotta go!
Servo: Ay ay ay ay!


Segment 2


Servo: ...And off on an odyssey your class ring goes, projected from here to another reality, living a new life.
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: Really? I... you really transported it, I mean, it's not just, you know, gone.
Crow: Oh, like Servo and I don't know what we're doing. Duh, we just threw this projector together.
Servo: Hey, whatcha go in your hand there, Mike?
Mike: Oh, no, not this! It's my St. Blay's medal. My grandma gave it to me. It protects me from all ailments of the throat.
Servo: And it will continue to protect your throat, only it will be doing it someplace else! Now, let's give it a shot.
Mike: Well, okay. If you're sure.
Crow: Slap it down... Again, transported molecule for molecule... someplace else.
Servo: Right.
Mike: Uh-huh, where?
Crow: Oh, around. Now, Mike, do you have anything else that we can project, please?
Mike: Well, you know what, I do have these love letters from Denise...
Crow: Ah.
Servo: Good, good.
Mike: She, uh, she wrote all of these right before...
Crow: Right, throw 'em down!
Mike: ...Right before... uh, before she died.
Crow: Right, before she died. come on, throw 'em down!
Servo: Ha ha, there they go.
Mike: You know what, if I didn't know better, I'd think you guys were just burning the things that mean the most to me and thinking it was funny.
Crow: You know, while I can see where you'd think that Mike, I want you to know that it's patently untrue.
Servo: Yeah, what he said. Now, what else you got?
Mike: I'm fresh out... Oh, you know what, I do have one more thing that may serve your purpose...
Servo: Good, good, good.
Crow: All right!
Mike: Wow, that one really meant a lot to me.
Crow: I'll bet it did. What was it?
Mike: Uh, Tom's autographed picture of Shirley Jones.
Crow: Ha ha ha ha!
Servo: Hey, wait a minute! No! No! Oh, Shirley!
Mike: Take it easy, Tom, it's not like it's gone or something. Right, Crow?
Crow: That's absolutely right, Mike. Ha ha ha.
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: Oh, for fun.
Mike: We have fun around here.
Crow: Yep.


Segment 3


Crow: Hey, Neldorado, what's...
Mike: Shh! I'm talking to Lembach. I'm gonna try to convince him to stay.
Crow: Great idea.
Servo: Cool, it'd be so much better if we could just get Lembach to stay!
Crow: So cool.
Lembach: Hello?
Mike: Uh, oh, hi... uh, Lembach, say, this is Mike, Crow, and Servo, and we were just wondering if you could, you know, stay a little longer.
Lembach: Um, vell, I really should be going.
Crow: Tell him there's pie.
Mike: Well, there's pie and...
Servo: And we're all going down to Shenanigans later.
Mike: Right, Shenanigans. So, will you stay?
Lembach: Vell, uh... okay.
Crow: All right!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Lembach is staying! Lembach is staying! Lembach is staying!
Mike: You can't keep us down, Pearl. Lembach is staying! Ha ha ha!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Lembach is staying!
Pearl: Quiet, you fool! I found the ancient family diary of the Forrester clan. It's fascinating! Ancient numbers for ancient bookies. Topaz Wallingford Thiesenstein Forrester really knew how to play the ponies. And here, 1000 year old malt liquor labels. And an antediluvian form of chicken-in-a-biscuit called Her Majesty's Fool's Hen Cracklebread. What a rich and marvelous past! What's this? Apparently, my ancestors have always been involved in odd experiments. Amethyst Rogento Forrester trapped a man in a cave and pushed in bad paintings of the hunt. Emerald Montgomery Forrester trapped a man on an island and forced him to read poorly done parchments and... and, could this be... Adventerine Sowbodaford Forrester trapped a man in a tree and told him really bad sagas... it's incredible! I have a feeling I'm on to something here, Nelson... some power, some force beyond my control. And it doesn't look good for you! Ha ha ha ha!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Lembach is staying! Lembach is staying!
Mike: Doesn't matter, Pearl, Lembach is staying.
Lembach: Yeah, this is Lembach... I think I'm just gonna take off.
Mike: What?
Lembach: Thanks anyway.
Mike: No, Lembach!


Segment 4


Mike: Hey guys, I'm thinking of dyeing my hair orange.
Crow: Whoa, whoa, Mike, stop right there, careful.
Servo: Stand back, Mike, our experiments have given Crow the Touch of Death.
Crow: Touch of Death, yep.
Mike: What do you mean, your experiments?
Servo: Well, you know, in projectednessitivity. You know!
Mike: All right, call me a skeptic, but I have my doubts that Crow has the Touch of Death.
Crow: I do so have the Touch of Death!
Servo: He does.
Crow: Why couldn't I have the Touch of Death? What, 'cause I don't have a diaper on half my face? Why don't you ever believe me? Boy!
Mike: Geez, I'm sorry, Crow. I was just fooling around... okay, you have the Touch of Death. I'm sorry.
Crow: Huh. Okay, I'm sorry too. I'm a little tense and I overreacted, okay. Shake?
Mike: Well, of course... Ahh! Oww!!!
Crow and Servo: Huh.
Crow: Yeah, I forgot for a second there, killed Mike!
Servo: Yep, sure did. Well, I can see that, with your Touch of Death.
Crow: Touch of Death! Yep... Hence the name, I guess.
Crow and Servo: Ha ha... Death!
Servo: Well, this is darned inconvenient, Mike dying like this.
Crow: Yep, we're gonna have to get him in there to watch the movie. I mean, he can't get in there himself! That's for sure.
Servo: Yeah, I guess we better get a head start on it, huh?
Crow: Right, right.
Servo: Real good, then.
Crow: Let's go.
Crow and Servo: Heave... Ho! ...Watch out!
Servo: Oops.
Crow: Darn.
Servo: Okay, here we go again.
Crow: Okay, use your legs to lift.
Servo: I don't have any.
Crow: Oh, right, sorry.
Servo: Here we go...
Crow and Servo: Heave... Ho! ...Ugh... Ho! ...Ugh...
Servo: Oh, wait, wait. I forgot something... We'll be right back.
Crow: Hey, I thought you didn't have legs.
Servo: Uh, I don't.
Crow: Then where'd you get footsteps?
Servo: Good question! Uh-huh... Well, back to it.
Crow and Servo: Heave... Ho! ...Ugh!
Crow: Boy, he's a big one!
Crow and Servo: Heave... Ho! ...Ugh!


Segment 5


Mike: Okay, it's Grant Day, everyone. What do you got for me?
Servo: I'll go! I'll go!

Mike: Okay.
Servo: Ahem. Mr. Nelson, let me commend your wisdom and prudence in establishing the Michael J. Nelson Foundation, and I thank you in advance for your anticipated approval of my request of $50, enabling me to complete development of a water engine, long a dream of humankind. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Mike: Okay, whatever. You got a demonstration for me?
Servo: Oh, oh, right, right! Sure, sure! If you could pour the distilled water in there, please?
Mike: Oh, sure.
Servo: Yes, okay, come on, baby, work with me... come on, come on! What?
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Wait, hang on. Did I get distilled water, or...
Mike: I guess, I don't know, and we can't fund a project that doesn't work. I'm sorry.
Servo: Well, it does work, I tell you! You're being a fool for making such a hasty decision!
Crow: Whoa.
Mike: So you have no interest in maintaining a cordial relationship with the Michael J. Nelson Foundation?
Servo: Oh, wait, I apologize, Mr. Nelson. I respect the Foundation. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
Mike: You know, I guess I have no choice but to fund Mr. Crow and, uh...
Crow: Oh, yeah. I need $50 to... uh... what did I put down there? Uh, $50 to buy two leafblowers and a hat.
Servo: Ha ha!
Mike: Well, congratulations!
Servo: Whoa, whoa, I come to you with a water engine and you give this slithering frog money for leafblowers and a hat!? ...Ah, I'm sorry. Your process is painstaking and exemplary... uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mike: Mr. Servo, if you could excuse us, we are having a grantee's reception.
Crow: Yes, grant.
Servo: Of course, I'm delighted to leave. Thank you for your rejection. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mike: Let's have a little wine and then view the Foundation's art, shall we?
Crow: Delightful! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Bobo and Observer: Yum dada hey hey... Wah! Wah! Yum dada hey hey... wah! Wah!
Pearl: Halt! Mike, I have reclaimed my destiny. As a Forrester, I owe it to the world to take over the world. I shall dedicate my considerable genius to this and nothing else... Well, I also do like those bus trips down to the dog track outside Omaha. It's a fun time and a good deal. And, to tell you the truth, I usually come out pretty good. I just have a feel for playing the puppies, I don't know what...
Observer: I think you're getting off the point just a tad, you might want...
Pearl: Cower, world! Tremble, world! Run and mule and puke in terror, world! Ready! Haaarch!
Bobo: My cat had ten kittens I gave 'em away and now I only have two kittens left! Left, a left, a left, right, left! When ridding or running in the park you should always shout "on your left!" Left... oh, noo!!! Oh! Oh!



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