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820 Space Mutiny 11/07/97
821 Time Chasers 11/22/97
822 Overdrawn at the Memory Bank 12/06/97



821 Time Chasers A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by Rob T Firefly
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5



Prologue


Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love.
Servo: Hi!
Mike: Just to bring you up to date, we recently escaped, along with Pearl Forrester and her companions, from Ancient Rome which, by the way, Bobo burned down.
Servo: Heh heh heh!
Mike: And, uh, then we went back through the wormhole, and now here we are.. who knows? We're just knockin' about in time and space.  Pfft..
Servo: Say Mike, just for the sake of discussion, um, what would be another way you could put that last part there? Uh, we're wandering in space, uhh, we don't know where we are in space, or, or what? In space.
Mike: Oh, I don't know, uh.. adrift? Cast off? Uh.. unmoored? Locationless? Uh, lots of ways you can put it.
Servo: Duhhhhhhh... lost, maybe?
Mike: Sure, lost in space, you could say that -
Servo: Woohoo! It's on, Crow!
Crow: Ahaaaa, you galloping garbage bag of gelatinous glop! You pucilanimous pigskin of puffery!  You tormented tadpolish titmouse! You terrestrial tumescent tellitall! You iridescent titonic idiotic imp!
Servo: Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger Will Robinson! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!
Crow: You.. you, you you you quibbly, quivering - ahh, the, nonono.  You, uh, you iridescent, uh -
Mike: Nonono, you just said that one.
Crow: Oh, right right right. Uh, you dichotomous, uhh, b-b-buh, drum majorette!
Servo: Warning! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Danger! Warning! Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Warning! Danger! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger! Warning! Danger!
Crow: You, uh, you, you suck!
Mike: Heyyy!!
Crow: Oh, I'm sorry Mike. I got frustrated.
Servo: Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning!
Mike: We'll be right back. You guys, would you..
Servo: Whoah!
Crow: I'm sorry. Tell me I suck, go ahead.
Mike: No, you don't suck! I mean it was just kinda early, and you telling me I suck..
Crow: I'm sorry. Boy, I am really sorry.
Mike: You can understand my reaction.
Crow: Sure, sure.


Segment 1


Crow: Ohhh, William!
Servo: Danger! Warning! Warning!
Crow: Ohhh, the pain!!
Servo: Warning! Danger! Danger!
Crow: That's pretty annoying, isn't it?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, it is.
Crow: Ohhhhh, William!! Ohhhh, the paaain!!!
Servo: Dadadadadadadadadadadaaa, wwwwarninnnnng!
Mike: Hey, you, you guys, you know what, uh, Pearl asked us to pull this over so we can find out where we are, and I'm trying to do a really tricky docking maneuver, so why don't you go watch a video with Gypsy, huh?
Crow: A video? Allrighty! Yeah!
Servo: Video! Yeah!
Mike: "Free Willy?" "Mondo Cane?"
Servo: "Mando Cane!" Cool!
Mike: Off you go, yeah, okay. Alright, here we go, now. This is the hard part.. just ease it into place, gently.. dock with the other ship, and.. ugh! Whoah! Ahh, this is perfect, I'll go.. check it out, heh..
Bobo: zzzzzzzzz...
Pearl: Nelson? Mike! Is that you? C'mon over here, neighbor!
Mike: Ahh, you sure it's not too late?
Pearl: Oh, I'll be up another couple of hours or so. Come on over, I just put a fresh pot of coffee on.
Mike: I'll just float on over here, Pearl.
Pearl: Mmm.
Bobo: zzz.. oh, oh oh oh oh...
Pearl: Oh, sh sh sh sh sh shh.. hang on.
Mike: Okay.
Bobo: Oh, mommy, oh oh..
Pearl: I just put Bobo down, and sometimes he's a little fussy.
Bobo: zzzzzz...
Mike: Oh, sure, yeah... Ooh boy, she's a cold one tonight, huh?
Pearl: Yeahhh, supposed to get down to absolute zero.  That's why I always wear a sweater.
Mike: Yeah. Hoo. So.. Pearl.. how come you're so evil?
Pearl: Hmmm... I'm filled with hate. I don't know if that helps.
Mike: Yeah, well, it does, yeah.
Pearl: You know Mike, people can be awfully judgemental about evil.
Crow: Mike! Mike!! You know, we were watching TV, a-and we had it on something we all liked, and then Servo changed the channel!
Mike: Okay, well, tell you what, if you're real quiet, you can stay here with Pearl and me.  Okay?
Crow: 'Kay.
Pearl: Hey, Art.
Crow: Hi!
Pearl: Well, I suppose I'd better be sending you guys your movie, huh?
Mike: Heh, uhh, see that's another thing. You said you weren't going to send us any more movies.
Pearl: You know, sometimes I think I lie, because I'm evil.  Hmm...
Mike: So, you are gonna send us a movie then, huh?
Pearl: Yeahh, and it's pretty bad. I hope that's okay.
Mike: Ah, it's alright.
Pearl: It was made in Vermont, and it's about this guy who travels through time, and then he has to go.. back in time to change what he did in the future, it's.. it's called "Time Chasers."  Oh, it's got that guy in it.
Mike: Oh!
Pearl: Oh, and that other guy too.
Mike: Hmm.
Crow: Huh.
Mike: Yeah..
Pearl: Yeah.
Crow: Well.
Pearl: Yeah.
Mike: Well.
Pearl: Yeah, I suppose..
Mike: I think we're gonna get back there.
Crow: Yep.
Pearl: Well.
Mike: Why don't you take off there, buddy.
Crow: Whooooah!
Pearl: Thanks for stopping by.
Mike: Yep, uh, see you later.
Pearl: Art, you take care kid!
Crow: Bye!
Mike: Ohh! Whoah, guh..
Pearl: Oh, hey Mike!
Mike: Yeah?
Pearl: I despise you and all you stand for, and you'll never exi-hahahaha,
Mike: Hahahahahahaha!
Pearl: You know the rest, hahahahahahaha!
Mike: Yeah, I sure do. Goodnight, Pearl!
Pearl: He's a good kid.
Servo: Uh-uh, no way.
Gypsy: Come on, Servo! Turn it back to Doctor Jane Seymour Medicine Quinn!
Servo: No. No way. Forget you!
Crow: Hahahahahahahaha!
Servo: Wha-hey, where were you guys? Hey, did Crow get to go over to Pearl's? That's not fairrr!
Crow: Pearl gave me lotsa candy and popcorn..
Servo: Oh, man!
Crow: And said that I could stay there anytime!
Servo: You're lucky!
Crow: And she was gonna take me to France and she liked me best.
Mike: Oh, we got Movie Sign!!!
Crow: And that I could play dress-up with her clothes whenever I wanted!
Servo: You lucky dog!  Man..


Segment 2


Servo: It's the perfect chance to help Mike!  You see, you go back into his past..
Crow: Right.
Servo: Convince him to take a new direction in his life..
Crow: Yeah..
Servo: And then time changes so that Mike never becomes trapped on the Satellite at all!
Crow: Yeah, yeah, but, w-what if things go wrong?
Servo: Welllll, thare's a small chance we'll warp ourselves and the rest of the Universe out of existence.
Crow: Cool! Heh heh heh!
Servo: Heh! Accessing 1985 now..
Crow: 'Kay, 'kay.
Servo: Let's see. Central Wisconsin..
Crow: Right.
Servo: Homing in on Mike...
Crow: Wow.
Servo: Oh man, what a loser!
Crow: Boy, you..
Servo: Look at him!
Crow: Heh!
Servo: Working in a cheese factory.
Crow: Tch..
Servo: He's going absolutely nowhere!
Crow & Servo: GASP!
Servo: Great Scott!
Crow: Ohh!
Servo: He's a Journey fan!
Crow: We, we have to help him! I'm coming Mike!!
Servo: Okay Crow, remember, try not to be conspicuous! Blend in!!

PA: Mike Nelson to the lunchroom. There's a robot from the future waiting for you.
Crow: Well, so much for blending in, huh.  Oh, hello.
Patrick: Dude.
Mike: Hey, man.
Patrick: Dude.
Mike: Can we make this quick?  It's coming out of my break time.
Crow: Ehh, yes.  Greetings, young Mike.  Um, my name is Crow, and I've come from the future to help you change your miserable, dead-end life!
Mike: Jeez, nobody said anything about that, how's that work?
Patrick: Dude.
Crow: Uh, eh, uh, Mike, you are about to embark on an endless, worthless string of temp jobs! 
Mike: Hey, man, tempin's great!  You know, it's flexible hours, you can sleep in, you can ditch whenever you want.
Crow: Well, actualy, that sounds pretty good, uh, d'you get bennies with that?
Mike: Blue Cross.
Crow: Wow, that sounds cool!  Uh, how do I - no, d-d, what am I saying?  Mike!  I have seen your grim future!  If you don't change your life, eventually you'll be shot up into space, and forced to watch terrible movies!
Mike: Hahahaha, shot up into space, did you hear that, man?
Patrick: Dude.
Mike: That'd be outrageous, it'd be like "Space: 1999" or something.
Crow: NONONO, LISTEN TO ME, YOU SIMP!!  I-I-I-I mean, heh, what about your dreams? Your hopes? A hollow, desperate eternity in space, that's no future for you!
Mike: Yah, but it beats gettin' burned by the cryovac machine.
Patrick: Dude.
Crow: Hagh... Exactly when in the future will you become not stupid, Mike?  Uhh..
Servo: Uh, Crow, this is Tom. hey, maybe you should just kill him or something, I dunno.
Mike: Hey, who's that?
Crow: Um.. that's, uh, God.
Mike: Whoa. Dude!
Servo: Crow, wrap it up. Hey, it's almost Commercial Sign.
Crow: I'm coming! Okay, Mike, I'll be back in just a second. Uhh, eat your lunch or something, and don't take any temp jobs while I'm gone! 'Kay?  Boy..
Mike: Robot from the future.
Patrick: Dude.


Segment 3


Crow: Listen, Mike of the past! You are a promising young man! Bright, handsome, well-loved, culturally aware, and, uh..
Mike: Hey, look, man, Loni Anderson! Huh huh..
Crow: WILL YOU PUT THOSE DOWN, YOU IDIOT?? You STUPID, REPULSIVE, uh.. uh, hope of our nation's future.  Eh, do, d'you realize the gifts you're squandering if you stay trapped here? Like.. like your band! Your wonderful music!
Mike: Whoah, that's true, robot from the future. I-I won't be able to make my gigs if I'm stuck up in space!
Crow: Yes, your gigs, dim young version of Mike! Your music! Which, if you nurture through these coming years, could bring meaning, and solace, to millions. What's your band's name again?
Mike: Sex Factory.
Crow: D'aghh!
Mike: And, and you're right, we-we totally rock!  And, and I don't wanna be stuck up in space watchin' stinky movies when I could rock the world!
Crow: Right!
Mike: I-I'm outta here, man!  I'm, I'm quittin'!  Rock on!!
Crow: Thick as a slab of Canadian bacon.  Well, bit of effort, but still, in the end.. A-plus, Crow!  Heh..
Patrick: Dude.
Crow: Uh.. Dude. Yes. Huh. 'Scuse me, I'm gonna go, uh, check on the gouda.  Gee, whiz..

Crow: Yep, good work, Crow! Why, thank you, Crow!  Oop, sorry.
Eddie: Hey!  Hey, watch where you're goin', you skinny freak!
Crow: Gee whiz, sorry Mike, I didn't mean-
Eddie: Mike? Who the hell's Mike?
Servo: Eddie, Eddie, hi Eddie, sorry Eddie, here I am Eddie, heh heh..
Eddie: Hey, where you been, midget?
Servo: Uhh, sorry Eddie, won't happen again Eddie, heh heh..
Eddie: I was ashin'.
Servo: Okay, Eddie.  Heh heh heh heh..
Crow: So, uh.. oh, boy. You're not Mike? Er..
Eddie: Mike? Who the hell's Mike? I don't know no Mikes.
Servo: Eh, shush, Crow, Eddie don't know no Mikes, whaddya talkin' about.
Eddie: 'Ey, 'ey, shut up.
Servo: Shuttin' up Eddie, right away, heh heh heh..
Eddie: Eh, except for my loser kid brother Mike.
Crow: D'OH!!
Eddie: Y'know, that idiot quit our temp jobs to go work with his band?
Servo: Band, heh heh..
Eddie: Yeah, he missed out on some really great jobs, some of 'em even minimum wage!
Servo: Minimum wage! Heh heh heh heh..
Eddie: Ehh, this woulda been a great job, except for those two guys shot me up into space -
Servo: Guys, heh..
Eddie: - when that sleepy-eyed guy left.
Crow: So, uh, Edward, uh..
Eddie: Eddie.  The name's Eddie.
Servo: Eddie.
Crow: So, Edward.. your brother's band didn't, uh, do too well?
Eddie: You kiddin'? They were doin' great!
Servo: Great.
Eddie: They were already opening for Motörhead when Mike bought it.
Servo: Bought it.
Crow: WHAT??  What??
Eddie: Yah, you kiddin'? He totally cacked, right on stage. Hey, what're you, stupid?
Servo: Heh heh..
Crow: Eh, heh, assume I am, uh, Edward.
Eddie: Yeah, you know, the Cleveland Civic Center?
Servo: Cleveland.
Eddie: Y'know, chicks were really diggin' him,
Servo: Chicks.
Eddie: They're throwin' their hotel keys up on the stage,
Servo: Keys, heh heh heh heh..
Eddie: Couple o' them big ones caught him in the bean,
Servo: Keys..
Eddie: He went down, never got up again.
Servo: Nuh-uh.
Eddie: Died like a mangy dog, right on stage.  Ptu...  Man.  I was really proud of 'im.  Excellent death.
Servo: Excellent.
Crow: This reality is even worse for Mike!  I gotta get back and warn him!
Eddie: 'Ey! This little pencilneck just say our reality sucked?
Crow: Heh heh heh..
Servo: Yeah Eddie, he sure did Eddie, I heard him Eddie.
Eddie: Aww, now we got Movie Sign. Get inside the theater, runt! And you, bring me a beer!
Servo: I'll bring you a beer, Eddie! Right away, Eddie! Coming with a beer, Eddie..


Segment 4


Servo: Heh heh heh heh heh..
Eddie: Hey, look at this mess from last night.  I thought I told you to clean this up!
Servo: Well, gee, Eddie, I-I-I-I did, Eddie, but, b-but these are just from a couple minutes ago, don't you remember?
Eddie: Hey, shut up.
Servo: Okay, I'm shutting up, right away Eddie, right away Eddie, sure Eddie, heh heh heh.
Crow: Uhh, Servo.. Edward.. I'm going to rinse out a few things, uh, I'll be back in a minute.  Heh..
Eddie: I don't get that guy.
Servo: Neither do I Eddie..
Eddie: You like him?

Past Crow: Greetings, young Mike.  Uh, my name is Crow, and I've come from the future to help you change your miserable, dead-end life.
PA: Hey.  Robot from the future, there's another one of you guys to see you.
Crow: Ahem.. Hey, me.
Past Crow: Oh. Hey, me.  Uh, can you hang on a second?  So, anyway, Mike, that's why I.. th-think... ohhh, no.  We, we screwed something up royal, didn't we?
Crow: Well, you screwed something up royal.
Past Crow: Whoa, really.  How do you know it's not you who screwed it up?
Crow: Uh, look, I'm from about a half hour into your future.  I think I know a little bit more about what the heck is going on than you do.
Past Crow: Listen, Mr. Future-pants! 
Crow: Ohh!
Past Crow: If I steer Mike away from a career of bad jobs, he'll never end up stranded in time and space!
Crow: Well listen, Mr. Half-hour-ago doof.  If you do, Mike will end up bludgeoned in a pool of his own blood.
Past Crow: Oh, yeahh??
Mike: H-hey, w-what're you guys talking about?
Crow: Hey Mike, this doesn't concern you, okay?  Look, don't change Mike's future or he dies, okay??
Past Crow: Ohhh, I see!!
Crow: Uh, yeah, it's about time!  Woo, I gotta get back.  Man, was I a jerk a half hour ago..
Past Crow: Whoah.  Um, Mike! Hi. Forget what I was saying, uh, forget your band, it's going nowhere... Stick to a life of menial, low-paying jobs, okay?
Mike: That's cool.
Past Crow: Good, thanks.


Segment 5


Mike: Hoo, boy, what a day, huh?
Crow: Uh, yeah, whatever.  Say Mike, if there was a guy named Gilligan, and he wanted to name an island after himself, and he did, and then we were here on it, what would we be here on?
Servo: Hee hee hee hee hee!
Mike: No.
Crow: No?  N-no, whaddya mean, no?
Mike: I - just no, I'm sorry.
Servo: Well, hey, little buddy!  Hee hee!
Crow: Shh! Quiet, man! He didn't say it yet!
Servo: D'oh! Oh, sorry.
Crow: Now Mike, come on. If we were here on that island, what would we be here on?  C'mon!
Mike: Just no! I'm sorry, but no.
Servo: Crow..
Crow: Well.
Servo: Now what? Doesn't he have to say it?
Crow: Uh, of course he has to say it. It's not real unless he says it, I mean..
Servo: I know, you're right.
Crow: I mean, I mean, w-what would happen if he didn't say it, and we just went ahead anyway? I mean.
Servo: Oh, no no no, I'm not suggesting that!
Crow: Yeah, I mean, there's nothing we can do about it! Those are the rules.
Servo: Well, sorry, little bu-
Crow: Hey! No!
Servo: Sorry.
Crow: Shh.
Pearl: Sooo, how was the movie?
Mike: Oh! Oooh, it hurt. It hurt a lot, haha...
Pearl: Oh good, good!
Mike: Yeah, you know, in general, the movies do hurt quite a bit actually.
Pearl: You know, Mike, that is so great to hear because to tell you the truth, I don't get a lot of direct feedback, so.. so thank you. That means a lot.
Mike: Oh, you're welcome.  ou know, I'm just telling the truth. Hey, Crow went back in time.
Pearl: Really?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, he went back to Wisconsin, 1985, to try to talk me out of the temp job that put me in your evil clutches, hahaha...
Pearl: Oh-hohohoho, yooou, hahaha..
Mike: Heh, he succeeded actually, and then.. another Crow had to go back and try to talk that Crow, out of talking me out of taking the job.. 's a big mess, but we got it all..
Pearl: Mmm. Hmm.. so what happened to the other Crow?
Mike: What's that?
Pearl: Well, think about it. Somewhere there's a spare Crow, running around in Wisconsin in 1985.. right?
Mike: No..? I mean.. well..
Pearl: Hmm..
Mike: No, hah.. well..? Yeah. Ooh.

Past Crow: Ah, well, cheese ain't gonna cut itself, huh?
Patrick: Dude.
Past Crow: Yeah.



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