||Thing That Couldn't Die
Mike: Hi everyone. Just here with Tom Servo discussing his art. So you say Crow gave you the money to do all this?
Servo: Well, yes. I think he saw in me and my art kind of a truth, you see. And with his thirty grand plus a matching grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies, I can finally express myself and put down fifty-nine thousand on that stable of trotters down south.
Crow: Hey. Hi, Mike. Uh... uh... Servo. I just paid the caterer. Its kinda pricey, but, hey, thats the art world! So lets take a look at my portraits. Hmm... huh.... wow... oh my... wow... yeah... Crow is a... hah. Servo, these all...
Servo: Paint a stark picture of a cruel despot?
Crow: Well, no. I was actually going to say they're all kinda negative, don't you think?
Servo: Well fine. Why don't I just paint a picture of you in heaven playing golf with clowns?
Crow: Now that's not bad! Here, let me write you a check. Will thirty thousand be okay?
Servo: Better make it sixty; I might want to do it on velvet.
Mike: We'll be right back.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Gaaah!
Servo: Dab it again.
Crow: Huh... I thought you were going to paint me playing golf with clowns.
Servo: Nope... nope. You wanted yourself tossing kittens into a meat grinder. I have my notes if you'd like to see them.
Gypsy: Red alert! All hands prepare to die!
Mike: Wait a minute. Gypsy, lets not jump to any conclusions. What's the problem?
Gypsy: We're caught in some sort of tractor beam pulling at a million times the speed of light towards an unknown destination. Time and space are meaningless and the physical laws are breaking down.
Servo: Well, what do you know.
Gypsy: See! Whoa, wait, we're slowing down. I guess things will be okay.
Crow: I wonder where we are? Of course, I didn't know where we were before so we might as well be anywhere. That's what I always say!
Mike: Hello? Anyone there?
Servo: Shoo! Go away! Beat it!
Observer: Please, do not be afraid.
Observer: Welcome, and try to comprehend us.
Mike: Duh... okay.
Crow: What's to comprehend?
Observer: Oh. You are to us as an amoeba is to you. For we are the Observers.
Observer: And we have evolved beyond language. We are gratified that you understand our words, for we communicate only with our minds.
Mike: Wow! Except... you're talking now.
Observer: No, no, no, no, no. Your comprehension fails you, for we communicate only with our minds.
Observer: You see, we have evolved beyond the need for bodies and now we are simply brains.
Observer: You are as an ameoba. But do not be afraid.
Servo: No bodies! That is fantastic!
Mike: Unbelievable! Except you have bodies right now.
Gypsy: Yeah. What the hell?
Observer: Naturally we require host bodies for our self-sufficient brains.
Gypsy: Wouldn't it be more convenient to just leave your brains in your head?
Observer: Convenient? Why, our brains are fully functional from our bodies for a full fifty yards.
Observer: They may not understand. They are as amoebas.
Crow: Look! Will you cut it out with this amoeba thing? I am way more evolved than an amoeba, pally. I'll tell you that!
Mike: Hush, hush, Crow. Say, uh, who is that grabbing a towski there?
Observer: She is your friend and another of our guests.
Observer: We have brought you all here to observe her magnificent experiment.
Observer: Though we have acquired all knowledge and have evolved infinitely beyond you.
Pearl: Hi, Mike! Guess I caught you again, huh? Hey, whattya think of these characters? Pretty evolved, huh?
Observer: She and her companion are our guests. We use our minds to create anything they need for their comfort.
Pearl: Yeah. Pretty nice setup here. Dallas reruns, plenty of longnecks, Bobo's happy...
Bobo: Hi, Mike! Oh, this is nice!
Pearl: Sweet deal, even though I am "as an amoeba." Ha!
Bobo: Oh please! This is beneath my dignity!
Pearl: Anyhoo, your movie today is something called "The Thing That Wouldn't Die" or something.
Observer: Observers. After we are done observing this group we shall dissect them and display them in our museum.
Observer: Our children will be delighted! Hahaha!
Observer: Do you think the orbiting ones heard?
Observer: Send those who are as an amoeba the movie!
Servo: Amoeba this!
Crow: Yeah, get a tan!
Mike: Ah, we got Movie Sign!
Gypsy: Movie Sign!
Crow: Careful Mike. Don't rip the decals, Mike. You ripped them last time, Mike. Woah!
Mike: What do you want?
Observer: I have been sent to observe you. To study your culture, to learn.
Mike: Well, how long is that gonna take?
Observer: Not long. I assure you.
Crow: Well then keep your eyes open and your mouth shut, hood boy! And keep your grubby little mitts off my stuff, capece?
Observer: I will not interfere. I am but an impartial observer.
Crow: Yeah, right.
Observer: I have made contact and am observing one of the odd, grim marionettes that accompany the biped. For reasons unknown, someone has shaped this lump of epoxy into human-like form. Possibly to comprehend their own hideous shape, or to mock the god that blighted them so.
Crow: Hey! Jerk.
Observer: I will now observe the ungainly peach colored creature. His humid, fleshy extensions struggle as he attempts to conquer some simple, seemingly purposeless toy. Already a sense of pity overcomes me, yet I am propelled by my own compassion. Although his biological makeup implies a living thing, I am sure we shall discover him to be an animated piece of refuse or feces; but I must remain impartial even as he mocks everything I hold dear. I hate him. I can only pray that his tiny spinal column conveys no spark of truth, no splinter of the horrible reality that is his own soul. My god, I pray for his death and to all things that love rightness and decency...
Mike: All right. That's it. I'm gonna put an end to this right now.
Crow: Get the clown hammer, Mike!
Mike: Yeah I got it, white boy.
Crow: Bon voyage!
Mike: Yeah, observe this, pal.
Crow: Uh... you forgot his haggis hot dish here.
Mike: Ha. I think that's actually his brain. We'll be right back.
Servo: Am I getting red?
Finnigan: Hey there, Jimmy boy! Ha ha! If it isn't me old pal from Academy days!
Mike: Okay, here we go... Yes! Sit and spin, bird dog!
Crow: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Take Herr Kute. See what I care.
Mike and Crow: Woah!
Mike: Ow! Who are you?
Finnigan: Its me Finnigan! Haha!
Mike: Doesn't ring a bell. Do you guys know him?
Crow and Tom: Woah!
Finnigan: Stinkin' underclassmen.
Mike: Why you... Okay... alright.
Crow: C'mon Mike. Clean his clock!
Servo: Hey, Mike, those guys are calling.
Mike: What guys... oof!
Observer: Oh, hello there. As you may have noticed...
Observer: ...we are using our superior powers to materialize any person from your own memory.
Observer: Are you enjoying your long-lost friend? Hmm?
Mike: Hey, look. I don't know this guy. I've never met him before in my life. Ow, ow!
Observer: What? What do you mean? We cannot possibly make mistakes, so the error must be yours. Yeah.
Observer: Yeah. So just think of someone else.
Crow: Oh, okay. Mike! Quick, think of Adrienne Barbeau!
Mike: What? Hadrian who?
Hadrian: Vegula blandula hospice com os que corpus.
Mike: Oh great, Crow. You made me think of the Roman Emperor Hadrian.
Crow: No, no Mike, I distinctly sad Adrienne Barbeau. Plain as day.
Hadrian: Plennibula regula ribbida!
Crow: C'mon Mike! Think Adrienne Barbeau!
Mike: I... don't... want... Adrienne Barbeau!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Gaaah!
Adrienne: Haha! Hi, boys!
Mike: Oh, no you don't! This time I'm ready, lady!
Crow: This is like a dream come true!
Mike: Oh great. We got Movie Sign!
Adrienne: What the hell?
Mike: Gah! Hahaha!
Crow: Hey, hey everybody. Its time to debut my documentary about The Civil War.
Servo: When did you do a documentary about The Civil War?
Crow: Oh. I managed to eke out an hour here and there when I came back from the edge of the Universe.
Crow: Thank you. As part of my extensive research for my documentary, or "doc," as we like to call it in the business...
Crow: ...I painstakingly combed the Satellite of Love archives. I call it "Crow T. Robot's Bram Stoker's The Civil War".
Mike: Did you know that Ken Burns did what many consider to be the ultimate Civil War documentary?
Crow: Oh. But was it about The Civil War?
Mike: Well, yeah. It was called "The Civil War".
Crow: Oh, like the great Ken Berry coined the phrase Civil War! Okay, let's watch the first installment of my eighteen-part, thirty-six hour series on The War Civil. The Civil War was a war that took place during a certain period of our nation's history. When exactly? No one can say, for no records exist to pinpoint precisely when that war took place. Young Americans were sent to wage a war in a country they had never heard of, nor much less could find on a map. Here now, a young buglers tragic last missive. "My dearest Debbie. Here I am at the Battle of Antietam. General Sherman is really nice. There was a really good buffet in Gettysburg. Well... I better go. See ya! Dirk." Clearly tensions between Abraham Lincoln, General George McClellan, and Neville Chamberlain were escalating.
Crow: Heh. Quality.
Mike: Wow, that's powerful. So, I'm guessing the other 118 minutes, those are credits too?
Gypsy: I gotta admit Crow; it was kind of disappointing.
Crow: Well sure. A gripping, detailed saga of our nations struggle to wrest itself from the grip of British tyranny isn't for everybody.
Servo: Crow, that was The Revolutionary War!
Crow: Oh, split hairs why don't you! God dawsafraga...
Mike: We'll be right back.
Servo: Arlene Galonka?
Servo: There. That's nice. Wait! My body! Will you get outta here! No, not that way. Look at me; go that way. Get outta here! Go! Man, I don't believe how thick I am sometimes. Okay, Mike. Just look like the big dumb guy. Great! That's perfect!
Mike: Are you sure you want to do this, Tom?
Servo: Absolutely positutely.
Servo: You see, with Crow under our evil power, we can command him to perform unspeakable acts.
Mike: Like what?
Servo: Unspeakable Mike; what do you need a dictionary? Ow! Use the Philip's head!
Mike: I don't need tools. I have these hands! My hands are strong!
Servo: Now step it up you big side of beef, I think he's coming!
Mike: But I wasn't... Hey!
Servo: Hide me, then suddenly thrust my diabolical visage right in his kisser!
Crow: Hey Mike. Say, hypothetically, if I sent Adrienne Barbeau a box of chocolate covered raisins, do you think she'd go out with me?
Servo: Now! Oof! Ow!
Crow: What you got there, a dead muskrat or something?
Mike: I, uh, umm...
Servo: As always Mike, well done.
Mike: I'll get the crazy glue.
Crow: I guess Maury's wigs do fall off.
Mike: The super intelligent, big brained, white-faced guy things are calling.
Pearl: And you can answer to my chiropractor 'cause I need proper lumbar support.
Observer: Ah, Mike. We need you well-rested for more observations tomorrow.
Observer: So, in your parlance, 'tis lights out!
Pearl: All I'm saying buddy is you'll catch holy hell if I wake up feeling crappy.
Observer: What is crappy?
Bobo: Well, I wouldn't worry lawgiver. See, this bed is quite comfortable. Aheh. As I'm sure you'll find out when you sleep in this bed all alone. A whole bed for the Lawgiver. Not me in the bed at all. Not even a trace of me. Not even one lousy Bobo hair. Got them all. Whole bed all to the Lawgiver, and Bobo sleeping on the floor... the floor outside, which is technically the ground. I'll just take this little pillow... and put it right back. Fluff it up for you. Nice pillow for the Lawgiver. A rock will be comfortable enough for the wretched likes of Bobo. G-g-goodnight, Lawgiver.
Bobo: Forgot your mint.
Pearl: I still got it. Hey, you eggheads got a night canopy for this thing?
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