||Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
||Incredible Melting Man
Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. In honor of the Fall Classic, Servo's gonna chuck a few in here. We're gonna play a little hardball.
Servo: C'mon, stand in there, baby!
Mike: Oh, you bet I'm gonna stand in here, baby!
Gypsy: Hey, batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter! Swing!
Mike: Hiyreah? Whaddya mean, hiyreah? That ball almost hit me!
Crow: Mike, you can't argue balls and strikes, or I bounce ya!
Servo: What's the matter, Nelson? Can't handle a little chin music? Come on, ya momma's boy, ya weak pig! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Gypsy: Hey, batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-batter!
Mike: Come on, gimme that wi-that's cheating. Ow!
Mike: Alright, that's it!
Servo: Come on! Come on, Nelson, come on! Come on! You're gonna get that back! Come on!
Crow: Order in the court! Order in the court! Order in the court! You're out of order!
Mike: Uh... huh... huh... huh...
Servo: Alright, Mike, got your hamburger sandwich and french fried potatoes for ya, pal.
Mike: Oh, thanks a lot Servo, I appreciate that.
Servo: I'm sorry, what was that you said?
Mike: I said thanks, I c... Oh, you...
Crow: Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship!"
Mike: I was born on a pile of... hey! Hey!
Dr. F: Cannes is not good, because I think that..
Pearl: Then why don't we get the cans and the bottles, we'll have to, I'll think it'll give them the...
Dr. F: Okay, and bottles, I think, let's not break the cans... Hi, guys! Pearl and I have some news for you!
Pearl: Cool beans, Art. The studio bought one of your screenplays, "Earth vs. Soup."
Mike: You have got to be kidding me!
Crow: Oh, no way! Oh, man! Oh, no way! Oh, man! No.. I... I finally sold a screenplay! Woo-hoo!
Dr. F: Okay, people, the long and short of it is that mother and I are in charge, and we'll be sheperding your little project for the studio.
Pearl: Mmm-hmm, great, okay, guys, we need to talk about some things. Do you have all your people there? Good.
Dr. F: Uh, do you have your scripts? Uh, is everyone set to go? How was lunch?
Pearl: Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.
Crow: Oh, good, uh.., Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!
Pearl: And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.
Crow: Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.
Dr. F: Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...
Pearl: Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.
Dr. F: So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.
Crow: What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!
Dr. F: Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"
Crow: Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!
Crow: You guys are gonna be in my movie!
Servo: Alright! Yeah!
Pearl: And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.
Crow: Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?
Pearl: Well, again guys, this is the big time.
Dr. F: Well, the time has come to look at this issue, and by the end of the day, we'll be glad you did.
Crow: Okay, okay, okay, okay, sure, fine! Sounds good. I'll get my people right on that. Oh, and, uh, Dr. Forrester? Pearl? Thank you! Okay, people, what're we doing standing round here? We got Movie Sign!
Mike: Right, right, right, right, right, right, right!
Pearl: Uh-huh. Sure, whatever. Okay, we've got a busy day, what've you got for us?
Servo: Are your dishes as delicious as...
Crow: Okay, listen up everyone! Our film execs, Pearl and Clay, thought it might be a good idea to use a small forty-five percent of the budget and take a shuttlecraft up here and have a little script con-fair.
Mike: It's a one page script! Can't we handle it by phone?
Crow: Oh, button it, meat-puppet! Or I'll make sure you can't even get a job in TV when this is over!
Crow: And pull the middle out of those bagels! Aha! They're here! Ha... Clay, Pearl, welcome!
Crow: Well, for a start, why don't we grab a seat, and I'll just nip out for some pellagrinoes.
Servo: Ha... hi.
Mike: Hi, how was the... did ya have a good flight up here?
Servo: Introduce me!
Mike: Oh, right, uh, Clay, Pearl, have you met Tom Servo?
Pearl: No. Let's go.
Mike: And that should take care of it. So, let's get started and, uh...
|Dr. F: No uh, I don't have that. Doesn't seem to be there... this? You give him that. Got that one. I have that, okay, I'll take that one. Alright, I need one of those too.
||Pearl: Uh, I don't have 1A, I just have 1, did you guys fax us the changes? Because this, this is the February 11th. I mean, he's got, he's got the 13th. Okay. Oh. Because we had the... alright, okay. Okay. Alright. Okay.
||Mike: Okay. Great, uh.... did you? Well, you see, uh, is this one any good? Yeah, you don't. Neither one of these are any good. Except you need the last three pages because that's the March 15th meeting. So, you each wanna take that one there. Alright, and, also, we did the March 8th meeting, and this is what we came up with. Only the second page is just... you have that? No, I don't think you have that one. Take that one. And then, uh, put that behind your other one, okay? And you'll need one of those, too. And that should be pretty much...
||Servo: Uh, okay. Start with, uh, page 1A with the script on the reverse, and... Yes, ma'am, shot these off a while ago. February 11th? Then, you must have "Peter Graves at the University of Minnesota", now that's no good. Let's give them copies of the March 15th. You got the March 15th or the March 8th? You got the March 15th or the March 8th? Maybe you've got the pink page or the blue page. No, no, only the second page of that one. Only the second. Not the first page, only the second. Take that, it's the March 15th one, yeah. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Bits are on that, and many of them on that.
Pearl: Okay, people, we've got a screening to get to. Great meeting, I really think we're getting there.
Crow: Hey, wait!
Mike: Uh, we got Commercial Sign.
Crow: We'll call you!
Servo: Great meeting, huh? Heh-heh...
Gypsy: Ben, you watch yourself...
Mike: We gonna shoot this any time today, or what?
Gypsy: Why, Ben, you watch yourself, you little cider-press, you! Why, Ben, you watch yourself! You know, maybe Mr. Robot will want a southern accent?
Mike: Well, I'm off, I got things to do.
Crow: Oh, right. Hello everyone, sorry, sorry, oh hello, Gypsy, you look splendid today!
Gypsy: Hi. Oh, thanks.
Crow: Mr. Kevin Bacon! Lovely to work with you again! Lovely! Beautiful, well, well, well, well, what are we doing? Judy, what are doing?
Servo: We're shooting the film today, Mr. Robot, we're all set!
Crow: And the camera?
Servo: Right where it always is, Mr. Robot, right over there!
Crow: None of your lip, Judy!
Servo: Thank you.
Crow: Ah, Cambot! Wonderful! Let's see if we can't squeeze a little of your magic onto 35 millimeter, hmm? N'es sais pas?
Mike: Crow? Hey, can we get going, cause, you know we gotta get back to the...
Crow: Of course! Judy, what are we doing?
Servo: Still shooting the first scene, Mr. Robot!
Crow: Excellent! And... action!
Servo: Uh, roll sound.
Crow: Uh, roll sound!
Servo: Speed! Camera, camera.
Crow: Uh, I know! Camera!
Servo: 101A take one!
Crow: And... action!
Mike: ...Crow? Um?
Crow: Cut! Dammit! What is your problem, Kevin?
Mike: Well, you're right in the shot! I'm sorry!
Crow: Oh... ah! So I am! And suddenly, you've become the director! Well, I guess we can't shoot today! Mr. Bacon isn't very happy! Well, it just so happens that Cassavetes was in plenty of his own films! And so is Stallone, Coleman Francis, Hal Needham, all the greats!
Mike: I just didn't think you'd want to be smack-dab in the middle of the...
Crow: Very good! Judy, what am I doing?
Servo: We're doing another take, Mr. Robot!
Crow: Excellent! And this time, I choose not to be in the scene, hmm? Okay? And action!
Servo: Oh, roll sound.
Crow: Uh, roll sound!
Servo: Speed! Camera, camera.
Crow: I know! Camera!
Servo: 101A take two!
Crow: And... action!
Mike: Last week, Marie, ya know, you, I gotta hand...
Crow: Cut! Print! That's a wrap, everyone! Beautiful work! Thank you, so much! It's been...
Servo: We had a wonderful time.
Mike: Wait, that's it? That's all?
Gypsy: I didn't get to say beans!
Crow: Well, we'll loop the lines in eighty hours, the rest is second unit stuff! Thank you, everyone, I'm off! Bye!
Servo: Poor dope spent the whole eight hundred bucks on the scarf! Ah, we got Movie Sign, let's get outta here!
Mike: Ah, we got Movie Sign, let's get outta here!
Mike: Oh, yeah, hiya Crow! Say, what's the matter, little strobeheim?
Crow: Oh, hi guys! Uh, the focus group from the preview audience of my "Earth vs. Soup" film is about to start.
Crow: I'm too nervous. I'm going next door for a beer.
Servo: Okay, you just... wait, we don't have a next door!
Mike: Let him go.
Dr. F: Alright, we've all just seen the film "Earth vs. Soup." How many people didn't like the film? Didn't like the film, or just didn't care for it? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so all! All didn't like the film. Okay. How many people did like the film? They liked the film? Cindy, you didn't like the film, and now you have your hand about half-way up, so maybe you liked the film a little bit? Would that be correct? Okay, we'll get back to that. Okay, what about the film didn't you like? The film we just saw, "Earth vs. Soup." What was it about you didn't like, or didn't care for? Say, the plot? Or... yes, Gary.
Gary: Uh, the plot?
Dr. F: The plot, Gary didn't like the plot. How many other people didn't like the plot? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so, we all didn't like the plot. Why? Why didn't we like the plot? What was it about that we didn't like? Doug, why didn't you like the plot?
Doug: I liked the plot. I just thought it was too short.
Dr. F: Ah, you thought it was too short! Okay. What were your favorite characters from the film? If you had one favorite character, who would that character be? The film you just saw, "Earth vs. Soup", a favorite character such as Mike? Uh... Cindy, yes.
Dr. F: Cindy liked Mike. How many other people liked Mike? By show of hands, one-two-three, okay, three people liked Mike, alright. How many people have an allergic reaction to shellfish? Allergic reaction or...
Tony: A mild reaction.
Dr. F: A mild reaction to shellfish. So, Tony, would this keep you from recommending this film to a friend?
Dr. F: Yes, it would, yes it would. Because you don't like shellfish. You wouldn't wanna see shellfish in a movie. Okay. What if the soup were a different kind of soup, say it was a chicken stock, or, or something, would you recommend it to a friend if it was a potato soup? Yes? Okay. Cindy, uh, you had your hand...
Cindy: I don't like soup.
Dr. F: Oh, that's right, you're the one who doesn't like soup. What's that Gary? Oh, Gary would like a sandwich! Hahahahaha... How many people would like to have seen Julia Ormond naked? Julia... one-two-three-four, so about half, half would like to see Julia Ormond naked. Um... if you had a rat-cage strapped to your face...
Pearl: Uh-kay, guys, we've got a lot got a lot of work to do, we had sixty eight percent walk outs, we have to get those numbers down. Also, seventy four percent of the audience didn't like the character of Cruella De Vil, and even though the character wasn't in the movie, we have to change those numbers.
Dr. F: ..would you like to see more crackers in the movie? The big kind of crackers, or the small oyster crackers?
Dr. F: Saltines? Yes, good, excellent.
Mike: Well, Crow, this is it! This is the day you find out if "Earth vs. Soup", the project that has dominated your life for...
Mike: Well, years, really, gets screen-lighted for release! Ya nervous?
Crow: Uh... Uh...
Mike: Hello? Crow?
Pearl: Yes, get it. Hi guys, everybody here? Good. Good news, people. Clayton, do you wanna tell them?
Dr. F: Oh, the studio's real excited, and, uh, your movie's gonna be released!
Pearl: As a trailer.
|Crow: Oh wow! When's the premiere? That's great!
||Mike: Oh, well! I'm glad for ya!
||Servo: Excellent! Are we gonna meet the president? Oh, the movie...
Crow: Huh? My movie's gonna be a trailer?
Pearl: Uh-huh. This is very exciting, this is good news. We thought this would give us the widest possible release and it will help us rain in that marketing budget.
Dr. F: Well, we still have a lot of work to do. Oh, and there's one thing that we have to ask, and this is going to be covered in that eight hundred dollars, could you remove your name from the credits as the film's director?
Pearl: Again, this is good news, guys.
Crow: Uh, just a minute. Let me get this straight. Uh, I come to you with a movie, you supposedly get me thirty million dollars to make it, you take, uh, twenty nine and a half million for yourself, I get a lousy eight hundred dollars, I don't get any credit, and my movie's released as a trailer! Aah!
Mike: Okay, it's okay, buddy.
Pearl: Uh-huh, that's right, good, we're all on the same page. Now, I'm going to be at Sundance on Wednesday, I'll be in Paris on Friday, and then Cannes on Saturday, so don't try and get a hold of me. Becca, where are those tickets? Becca?
Dr. F: Mother, I think I can get my whole head in here!
Pearl: That's nice, dear. Becca, push the Button! Becca!
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