||The Dead Talk Back
Crow and Servo: Woah! Kill it! Kill it, kill it, kill it!...
Crow: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
Servo: Hey Crow, check out Mike over here. Look at this!
Crow: Hey wow, Mike, whattaya you doin'?
Servo: It's cool!
Crow: Oh it's... it's... kinda cute!
Servo: Well, you know what it is? It's got a certain uh, I dunno...
Crow: Elegant simplicity.
Servo: Well, right! A kind of charm and sweetness that uh...
Crow: That evokes the innocence of youth!
Servo: Well, yeah, yeah...
'Bot: Destroy... destroy... destroy... destroy... destroy...
Crow and Servo: Waaah!
Dr. F: Hello, kids; it's science project time... Whup-buh-bud-duh-dud-duh... Fact! In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy. Everybody likes me. Now, here we have me, and here we have... a mother! In this unbiased test, we shall determine that a robot trapped in space will choose me over this not-untypical rather-attractive mother. Now, as I transfer the science project via the Umbilicon, let me explain that Frank, as the control group, will be dressed as a pincushion.
Crow: Mike? What have we learned?
Mike: Well, I mean, I think we've learned that...
Crow: You can't build robots. Say it!
Servo: Say it!
Mike: I can't build robots!
Crow: Good. Now say it a million times.
Mike: Well... hey!
Servo: Hey, wait a minute; the Bobsy Twins are callin'. And don't go buildin' a robot while you're over there pushin' the button, ya moron!
Frank: This is essential, right?
Dr. F: Absolutely, Frank. Now, as the control group, how do you feel?
Frank: Well, actually in, eheh, deep physical pain.
Dr. F: That's to be expected. Well, back to you, Mitchell!
Servo: Umm, I thought they usually have two.
Mike: Okay fellas, I guess we've got to do this...
Crow: Oh, lemme handle it. Ahem! Never did have a mom; might be kind of fun! Ahem! Okay, let's see here... green-soothing color! ...Mmm, food pouch! Yum-my! Stitched well... should launder fairly easily. Hmm. Soft, very soft. Hehe. I feel... warm, hah, even secure. Well, I think I've made my choice, heh. I think I'll just take a look at this one here before I... Mommy! Mommy!
Mike: Hey hey hey, Crow...
Dr. F: Alright. Alright. I can view this coolly, dispassionately; it's just that you're so incredibly stupid and wrong. Just so incredibly stupid! And wrong! Why, I only have to ask my control group. Frank, who do you prefer?
Frank: Why, you, of course. C'mere, ya big...
Dr. F: Oh, Frank... Oof! Oh, turn a bit... Since you dumb dummies are so stupid and wrong, I'm going to have to send you this week's experiment. It's called "Invasion USA", proceeded by a little family horror-show called "A Date With Your Family". Push the Button, control group. Oh. Oh, woah, oh... oh, I got it.
Mike: Crow? Crow, that's not your mother.
Crow: Huh? Oh, well, the heck with her! Are you my mother?
Mike: No! You muley, puked little...
Servo: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Crow: C'mere, you! Haha!
Servo: Mmm. Michael, I must say that you have prepared these victuals with much regalement.
Mike: Well, thank you, Thomas. And while we partake of these aromatic comestibles, there is no reason why we cannot converse in a refined and dignified manner.
Servo: Ah, yes.
Crow: Indeed. Say, how about that sporting event, hmmm? One team emerged the victor, whereas the other, alas, found themselves vanquished.
Gypsy: Ah, but such are the vicissitudes of sport!
Servo: Mmm, indeed. You know, the other day I had the occasion to witness a cultural event. It seemed to point to the foibles of everyday living. Ha! Afterwards, I reflected upon the stimulating nature of the presentation.
Mike: Recently I was taken a particular article of literature. The author used sentences and paragraphs to express his point of view.
Gypsy: Here, here.
Crow: Aww, that reminds me of a pleasantry I was exposed to recently. An anecdote happened that might be interpreted as whimsical! It provided all parties involved with a puckish sense of diverting amusement.
Gypsy: Mike, this sucks! Can we just eat?!
Mike: Yeah! That's a great idea!
Servo: Hey, porcupine! Wanna watch me make Crow look like an idiot?
Mike: No! But if you're going to, anyway...
Servo: Great. Hey, Crow!
Crow: You rang?
Servo: Uh, Crow, I'm having a terrible time deciding which Lois Lane from "Superman" I like better: Noel Neill or Phyllis Coates?
Crow: Ah, well firstly, Servo, it's "The Adventures of Superman".
Servo: Ah, of course.
Crow: Secondly, you're not the first to grapple with that question. There are no easy answers.
Mike: Well, did... hey, may I?
Servo: Oh, sure.
Mike: Hey Crow, which uh, Lois Lane do you prefer?
Crow: Well, permit me to put the Phyllis Coates/Noel Neill debate in context, Michael. Noel Neill played Lois Lane in the radio serials in the 40's, so naturally one would think she was the clear choice to be Lois Lane in the television series in 1951.
Mike: Sure, yeah.
Crow: Yes, any layman might think that. Actually, it was Phyllis Coates who played Lois Lane in the first year of the series. Then Phyllis Coates was ousted and Noel Neill returned to the role she had originated.
Mike: Wow, interesting.
Crow: More than interesting, Mike: spooky.
Crow: But I leave the conspiracy theories to Oliver Stone. Hahaha!
Servo: Gee Crow, how are Phyllis Coates and Noel Neill different?
Crow: Good question. Very good question!
Servo: Thank you.
Crow: You were at my Frankfurt lecture series, no? Never mind. Let's compare and contrast Phyllis Coates and Noel Neill. Michael? The uh, chart please?
Mike: Oh! Right! Okay, sure.
Servo: Charts, yes.
Crow: You see, this chart clearly illustrates that Lois Lane as played by Phyllis Coates was a tough, hard-nosed reporter.
Mike: Ah! And uh, Lois Lane as played by Noel Neill was sensitive and caring.
Crow: Well, let's not get into that whole Kirk/Picard thing here. They were both very good.
Servo: So which one played Juan Epstein?
Crow: Well, that's a very interesting question, because you see... hey! You just made me look like a complete idiot!
Servo: You're welcome.
Crow: Thank you... hey!
Mike: We got Movie Sign!
Servo: Oh, I'm dyin', I'm dyin'...
Bomb: Hey, hiya!
Servo: Jenga... Jenga...
Mike: I am Mr. Jenga... hee-hee...
Servo: Jenga... Jenga!
Servo: Hey, I win again! What's so hard about this game, anyway?
Mike: Servo, that's not the point! It's the exact...
Servo: Well, what is the point... huh?
Crow: Hey, something's coming on the Hexfield!
Mike: Uh, hi!
Crow: Hey Mike, it's looks like some kinda bomb!
Bomb: Some kinda bomb? I'm the bomb, kid! I'm it! Mr. A-1 Armageddon Duck-N-Cover End-of-the-World Flesh-Meltin' Atom Bomb!
Bomb: But you can call me Bomb.
Mike: Why so glum, Bomb?
Bomb: You're lookin' at a dinosaur, kid. I can remember the salad days: loungin' in the belly of the B-52; cruisin' up and down the coast of Yakutskh. I meant somethin' then. Hey Lenny, how about another Manhattan Project? Put it on my tab. You probably don't even remember the Cuban Missile Crisis!
Mike: Well I, y'know, don't remember...
Bomb: Lemme tell ya somethin'. Bombs don't kill people! Well, I guess maybe they do, but the point is, I could be used for good things, too! You want a big, stinking hole in the ground? I'm your man!
Mike: Should you really be smoking?
Bomb: Oh, the crap I take from these sandal-wearing burnouts! "You can't hug a kid with nuclear arms!" Oh yeah? Whadaya call these, eh? Oh! Oh, I better mellow out. Oh, temperature is startin' to heat up. I feel kind of funny, I uh... boom! Hahaha! Ah, just kiddin', guys!
Crow: It can't be that bad, Mr. Bomb. Uh, things are lookin' up! Uh, take North Korea, for instance!
Servo: Well yeah, and the instability in Eastern Europe!
Mike: Yeah, there's always a despotic dictator or two looking for Mr. Goodbomb!
Servo: Sure! Yeah.
Bomb: That's right! You got a point there, y'know? Huh, I guess things ain't so bad after all! Yeah, I feel better already! Thanks, guys! Think I'll go call that weasel Helen Caldecard up. I like to breathe real heavy and then hang up! Hehehe! She knows! Hey, thanks again! See ya!
Mike: Oh, sweet guy, huh?
Servo: Yeah! Boy, I'm sure glad we could cheer him up.
Crow: Say Mike, did we just do something horribly wrong?
Mike: Yeah, I think so!
Mike: Ugh. We'll be right back.
Servo: I hope!
Mike: Okay, pal; this one?
Servo: Fellas, this movie has completely changed me! Mike, Crow: think of it! I mean, this existence is nothing but some grand hypnotic trance created by some depraved Svenghoulie! I mean, at any time we're all gonna wake up to our own true reality!
Crow: Our true reality is that you're nuttier than a fruitcake!
Servo: I truly believe this is all a dream.
Mike: Aha, and you're completely convinced?
Servo: Mike, honey, I am so sure that this is a dream... I want you to hit me.
Mike: No! I'm not gonna hit you.
Servo: Please, I insist! Now, get that clown hammer.
Mike: No! I can't hit you!
Servo: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you: get that clown hammer! Hit me!
Servo: No no no, the big one! C'mon!
Servo: I mean it!
Mike: This one?
Servo: Yeah! Yeah! That's the one! Now, have at me. Swing away!
Mike: But I can't hit you!
Servo: Come on, have at me!
Mike: Okay, fine, I... but what if this isn't a dream though?
Servo: Oh, but it is, my friend, it is.
Crow: Hit him! Hit him!
Servo: I am the Dream Warrior. Hit me! Send me!
Mike: Okay, step aside here...
Servo: It won't do a thing! It's a dream, it's all a dream!
Mike: ...you're usin' my oxygen, here we go!
Servo: All a dream!
Mike: Here we go, pal; this is no dream at all!
Servo: I love dreamin', 'cause dreamin' can make you mine... hit me! Oh!
Mike: Oh. Hmm. Letters?
Crow: Yeah, letters! Good idea, hah! Why not... ooh...
Mike: Oh, my back hurts. Okay, we'll read this first one here from uh, Alicia Evans, and uh...
Crow: Hi Alicia!
Mike: ...put the uh, text on Still-Store there. She just has a nice letter. She says, "Hi, and how is everything on the Satellite of Love?"
Mike: Okay; "You're not missing much on Earth."
Crow: Well, good.
Mike: That makes me feel better. "I like when you guys do skits or sing, or just talk to each other every half hour. Those are my favorite parts of the show. I like to draw pictures of when you guys do stuff like that." And then she includes some...
Crow: Ooh, pictures. Those are nice.
Mike: Very, very colorful, ah, pictures here... oh, we'll skip that one...
Crow: Woah! Woah, woah, woah, back up there. Hey, what's that one?
Mike: This is uh, "Mike in his sailor suit."
Crow: Very nice! I like that.
Mike: Rugged, huh?
Crow: Well, not really. Definitely "home on leave," though.
Mike: Then the last one is a picture of us all, and put that up there, and uh, it says "Gypsy sings well," which, y'know, I don't know... "Crow had a really cool hat on..."
Crow: I had a... ?
Mike: You probably did. "Mike has a smile... always has a smile..."
Crow: Aww, that's sweet.
Mike: ... forced on my face, and "Tom is the smartest of the robots."
Mike: Not anymore, huh?
Crow: I don't know...
Servo: Claude? Vivian? I almost convinced that this isn't an illusion. I'm gonna go lie down now... Ow! Oh...
Mike: Well uh, whadaya think, you guys? Is this all an illusion? Hmm?
Crow: You okay?
Dr. F: Is life an illusion! In your dreams! Sheesh, do you believe these guys, Frank? Talk about gullible, huh-huh! Eh, Frank?
Frank: Who won the World Series?
Dr. F: I did.
Frank: D'oh, okay.
Dr. F: Frank, why don't you check out that guy, hmm?
Frank: Halt! Who goes there?!
Dr. F: "Who won the World Series!" Well, until next time, collective dufuses...
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