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514 Teenage Strangler 11/07/93
515 Wild Wild World of Batwoman 11/13/93
516 Alien from L.A. 11/20/93



Show 515, Reel 1 Short: Cheating
515 Wild Wild World of Batwoman A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by tomservorobot@yahoo.com
Prologue
Invention
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
515.wav "Who's going to tell John?" -Margaret
"I'll tell him. I said I'd call him when the meeting was over. I'll call him as soon as I get home." -Jim
"If you want, I could turn him into furniture." -Mike
80k
515a.wav "I can't comprehend a word you're saying." -Batwoman
"Ooh, ching chung tung toyo toy haitan toyo towou." -Medium
"You know, that might not really be Chinese." -Servo
103k



Prologue


Mike: Okay, okay. Welcome to the Satellite of Love, everyone. Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are the names and blackjack is the game. Blackjack, 21, blackjack, blackjack.....
Servo: I'll, I'll Stick!
Mike: You can't stick until I deal you a card, you loon!
Servo: Okay, I stick now! Hey, this isn't so hard... hehehe.
Mike: You can't have 21 with just one card!
Servo: Okay, okay, hit me. No, no, I'll stick now, I stick! Oh man, I just can't handle this anymore!
Gypsy: Should I spit on your dice now, or, not, or...
Crow: Okay, now me, me me me me me, me me me. Hit me! Hit me uh, hit me! Hit me! Hit me!
Mike: Don't you want to check your cards?
Crow: Just keep 'em coming bartender, I said Hit me, hit me! Hit me, ah... hit me! Hit me! Hit me!
Servo: This is ridiculous. You wanna go check the ralls in the bar?
Gypsy: Yeah, sure.
Crow: Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me, uh, Hit me! Hit me! Hit me uh, Hit me!


Invention


Crow: Hit me, hit me uh, okay I want to double down...
Mike: D'oh!
Servo: Hey Mike, you want I should call da pit boss over for ta break his tums?
Mike: No. Well...?
Crow: Uh, Mike... uh... someone's calling.
Mike: Oh, It's probably Dr. Fostbender and TV's Fred. Come in!
Frank: Ah, Mike. Not that I care about impressing you or anything, but check out my Invention Exchange... Tada. It's the Atomic-Powered Hair Dryer! How you doing down there, Dr. F?
Dr. F: Oh, I'm fine, Frank. I'm just trying to settle on a look. Ya know...
Frank: That's great, be with you in a minute. Okay Nelson, see if you can follow me on this one. Atomic power: efficient, dirt cheap, relatively few meltdowns. Modern hair dryers: inefficient, expensive to run, and okay I admit... uh, relatively few meltdowns. But my atomic powered hair dryer works in a fraction of the time!
Dr. F: Uh Frank, what look do you think is better, the Nelse Boor or the Richard Thimon?
Frank: Oh, I'd go with the Boor; the Thimon would make your face look too chubby...
Dr. F: Okay, I'll take your recommendation.
Frank: Okay great, just gonna put these goggles on here. How you doin'? You comfortable?
Dr. F: Oh I'm fine. Uh, Frank, is this safe?
Frank: Of course it's safe. Uh, what could possibly go wrong? You comfortable in there?
Dr. F: Yes, get on with it!
Frank: Okay, hold please. We have zero qua-! Okay! Let's see how you're doin', get you all combed out here, see how you look. I'm sure everything will be... Aah! Demon! Demon! Stay away from me! Aah!
Dr. F: Frank, what is it?
Frank: Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing at all, just thought you were back from it there, for a moment. Hair looks great though, great. Back up to you, Mac.
Mike: I don't get them...
Servo: Umm, Mike, our invention...
Mike: Right! Crow, take point!
Crow: Okay, let's talk about unsightly hair that grows on your back. Back hair! It's disgusting! You'll never know the touch of a woman unless you rid yourself of it immediately! Ack, puh, puh!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Not that back hair is bad, some people might like it!
Servo: Yeah, if you're an alien or something...
Mike: Whatever the case, our invention is called the Razor Back!
Crow and Servo: Ooh!
Mike: And it gives you the option of getting rid of back hair. If you want to...
Servo: And you should, for God sake!
Mike: Now, I'm going to demonstrate on the back of my jumpsuit, because I don't have any back hair.
Crow: Yeah, no back hair. The man's a timber wolf!
Servo: Oww!
Mike: You just slather on the lather with this specially made applicator, like that. And then one stroke of the feather-light Razor Back, all your back hair problems are gone.
Servo: It's about time, you big, ugly yak!
Mike: Servo!
Servo: Ah, ah, but it looks good on some people...
Mike: Right. What do you think, sirs?
Frank: Hey... It... It really is a new you!
Dr. F: Really? Geez, I can't believe you don't have a mirror around here, Frank. I'm, I'm dying!
Frank: Aah! Aah! Ah...
Dr. F: Anyway Mike, your movie is called "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", and for all I know, it stars Robert Conrad and Ross Martin... but I doubt it. There's also a short on cheating. Come on, Frank! I've gotta see how it came out.
Frank: Don't come near me! Hair looks great, love it...
Dr. F: Oh, good. Good!
Mike: Geez, I really roughed myself up there.
Servo: I'll say, Sweany Tod's playing on your back.
Crow: I got the dip-stick!
Mike: Ow!
Servo: Stop crying!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Aah, we got Movie Sign!


Segment 2


Mike: You know, you guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get that cheating short out of my mind.
Servo: Hmm, ditto friend. It posed so many dilemmas, like did Johnny intend to be dishonest? Should Mary share the blame?
Mike: Yeah, or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?
Gypsy: Which begs the question of free will, what about free will?
Servo: Good one. Should his class mates give him a second chance, and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?!
Mike: Good point, and should Mrs. Grandby just have come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?
Crow: Duh-uh, The Beatles!
Servo: D'oh, you haven't been pay attention at all, have you, Crow?
Crow: Yes! Uh, could we talk about "Mitchell"?
Servo: See what I mean?!
Mike: Hey, I know what's let's do, let's answer the questions that the short posed in our own personal essays.
Gypsy: Oh, sure!
Servo: Why that's an excellent idea, Mr. Nelson. That in and of itself is a valuable exercise in articulating one own thought in a clear, concise manner.
Crow: What's in it for us, and by us I mean me...
Mike: Well there is those Hostess Snowballs I've been saving.
Servo and Gypsy: Ooh, num-num-num-num-num!
Crow: I also want to be boss of the ship for the month!
Mike: Oh, we'll talk about that...
Crow: And Servo has to do my laundry for a year, even my underpants!
Servo: Oh, you don't even wear underpants!
Crow: Oh you don't worry about that, I'll take care of that!
Mike: This is getting weird. We'll be right back.


Segment 3


Servo: And in preparing my report on today's cheating short, I listened to both the muse and the sage the spirit and the pragmatist, the mythical roots of my eternal...
Crow: Oh, any time this century, Israeli!
Mike: Crow, come on.
Crow: Well okay, Mike, just wake me when it's over.
Servo: Anyway as I was saying, it was the third question that most intrigued me, the query, "Was it fair for Johnny to use Mary as he did?" is a mental minefield, I had to be careful being the humanist that I am, I left no stone unturned...
Mike: Anytime, Servo, anytime.
Servo: That answer my friends is... no. Thank you.
Mike, Crow and Gypsy: No?!
Servo: That's right, neight, nien, negigey!
Mike: That's your report, the answer is no? What about all these other volumes?
Servo: Well geez, Mike, I had several ibids, 30 pages of footnotes, an extensive bibliography, and some really neat diagrams charting the dialectic process from the...
Crow: You know, Tom, you frighten me. So, we're done, huh?
Mike: No, were not done, we've still got... Gypsy? Why don't you go ahead there, girl.
Gypsy: Well, ahem, okat, umm... "Cheating," by me. Cheating is bad, Richard Basehart is good. Well?
Mike: Well that was very good, I thought. Spirited, sicinct, very nice.
Crow: Yeah, great. Yeah, can't we just hand these in, Mike? I mean, notify me by mail.
Mike: No, no, no, no. It's your turn, now let's hear it, come on!
Crow: Okay, "Cheating." Cheating is bad, Richard Basehart is good. So, how 'bout some lunch?
Mike: Hey Crow, that was word-for-word the same report that Gypsy just gave!
Gypsy: Wow, what are the odds of that happening?!
Crow: It's, it's not exactly the same. I, I mean the read was totally different. Uh, my down beat was on "good," Gypsy's was on "Richard."
Servo: Stone him! Stone him! Cheater! Cheater, arr!
Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down, calm down. You know, this is serious business, and we'll talk about it, but right now we've got a movie to get through, and that's what were going to do.
Servo: He must be punished! He must be punished! We must destroy him! We, we, must demilate him! Kill him, get a mach, burn him! He must be destroyed.
Crow: Ah, Movie Sign, Movie Sign, saved by the bell!
Servo: Burn him!


Segment 4


Crow: Hey Tom, what's up?
Servo: A meeting of the Satellite of Love crew. Oh, I don't think you want to come to this meeting; it's about you!
Crow: Me?
Servo: That's right. It's about how you cheated and betrayed the confidence of a sweet, innocent robot. It's about how you made a mockery of everything that's good in this world. It's about how everything you touch, you destroy!
Crow: So why can't I come?
Servo: D'oh, would you just... Sorry I'm late.
Mike: Hi. Well as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order.
Servo: Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Gypsy: Tom, come on, Tom, sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember my gumball-headed young friend, the quality of mercy is not strained but falleth from the heavens like a gentle rain.
Servo: Gypsy, he stole from your essay.
Gypsy: Really? Fry him! Fry him! I want that little guy dead...
Servo: There you go, there that's the spirit!
Gypsy: I want him burnt to the ground!
Mike: Hey, hey, hey, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. I think the first thing we need to do is...
Crow: Alluete, jaunte...
Mike: Hey, who's this guy?
Crow: Ah, would you like some... soup?
Mike: Why, yes I would that's exactly... Would you knock that off, Crow? Get out of this meeting. Alright, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some kind of punishment. What should it be?
Servo: Well if uh, I may quote from my colleague Gypsy here: Fry him! Fry him! Burn him up, and if I may just interject one thought of my own: Tear him up! Rip him apart! Burn him! And in conclusion: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Hehehehe. Any thoughts?
Mike: Yeah, well actually I was thinking more along the line of not giving him any Hostess Snowballs. Hey Crow, buddy?
Crow: Yeah?
Mike: I hate to be the one to tell you this but we all talked it over and we decide to...
Servo: Shun you!
Crow: Yeah, well I'm shunning you!
Servo: Well, I shun you first!
Crow: Yeah, well I shun you back!
Servo: I double shun you version 2.1!
Crow: I shun you version 2.2!
Servo: I shun you version 3 for Windows!
Mike: This isn't getting us anywhere! We'll be right back!
Crow: I shun you using System 7!
Servo: I super mega-freakin' shun you!
Crow: I freakin' mega-shun you!


Segment 5


Gypsy: So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?
Mike: Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.
Servo: Plus, it gives him hope and that should make killing him an even richer experience...
Mike: We're not going to kill him, and take the hood off.
Crow: Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. I've got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well, where to start?
Gypsy: Should we listen? We're shunning him...
Mike: No, we should listen.
Gypsy: Good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.
Crow: If it please the court?
Mike: It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone.
Crow: As I think back on my life, I see basically a good robot, a robust and exemplary youth, was followed by an unusually religious and public spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service, being crushed into an ingot, being hung upside down by chains...
Gypsy: You know that's really true!
Crow: ...yet all that matters not, for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating, and here's where the story becomes complex.
Gypsy: Complex? He copied my paper, what's complex about that?!
Crow: If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information have...
Gypsy: He copied my whole paper!
Crow: ...If those methods have been perceived by some as less then on the up and up, this causes me so much pain.
Servo: Can we just kill him now?
Crow: Perhaps in my purity I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike, for forcing me into this situation.
Servo: The Hell?!
Crow: He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy...
Gypsy: He copied my freakin' paper!
Servo: Down he goes, down, down!
Crow: ...and I forgive myself. Thank you. I await your verdict.
Mike: Well, Crow uh, first off it seems you never really got around to the apology.
Crow: Ah, ah, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an "eat" out of "c" and "h". I'm sorry.
Mike: The court finds the defendant... Guilty!
Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Aah!
Mike: But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long!
Mike, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Yeah! Who-hoo!
Servo: I was just kidding all along buddy, I hope you never fry!
Crow: Really? Oh, thank you!
Mike: Hey guys, wanna read a letter?
Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Yeah, sure!
Mike: We got a letter here from a guy named Eric Fowlman.
Gypsy: Hey, put it up on Still-Store!
Mike: Okay, put it up on Still-Store... and here's what he says. He says, "I will soon be starting law school and I would like to represent you in a suit againt Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. I believe you have on your hands a wrongful case of marooning and space and might be entitled to a large cash award!"
Crow: Wow!
Servo: Eric, you're gonna do the right thing son, you're gonna protect the firm, right? By the way, we've got some pictures of you and your girlfriend.
Mike: Oh no, no. Give them the address.
Servo: Okay, the address for the Mystery Science Theater Information Club, Post Office Box 5325 Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343... Do it today!
Mike: Whaddya think, sirs?
Servo: Hmm?
Dr. F: I admit I asked you to do this, Frank. I mean, I wanted to take a risk...
Frank: ...And you did! You did! You really look... Aah! Aah! Aah!
Dr. F: Oh, really? That good? The way the sideburns look... the way... well, I like it. I, I do like it! I'm happy with my decision... Uh, be a dear and push the Button, Frank? Frank? Never mind, I'll get it... Woah...



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