||Brain That Wouldn't Die
Joel: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson... Oh, look, here comes Tom Servo... Crow T. Robot.
Joel: Hey, come on up here, you guys. I wanna show you this toothpick sculpture I've been working on for the last three years.
Servo: You've been working three years on that?
Joel: Yeah, on nights and weekends.
Crow: It's not very good.
Crow: Uh, I mean, what is it?
Joel: It's a scale reproduction model of Monticello rendered in toothpick. I got the idea off the nickel, see?
Servo: It's beautiful. Where'd you get all the toothpicks?
Joel: What, are you kidding? We're on a spaceship; this place is crawling with toothpicks.
Crow: Well, it really is cool, Joel. Of course, you know we'll have to break it.
Servo: It's nothing personal, you understand, it's just a thing we have to do.
Crow and Servo: Huh?
Joel: Sure, go ahead, that's why I made it, smash away.
Servo: No, no, Joel, you're ruining it for me!
Crow: Yeah, I feel dirty.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in five seconds.
Joel: It sure seems like a waste being toothpicky and fragile and all...
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign now.
Joel: I'm just going to leave it here... unattended... to dry... Uh, we'll be right back.
Crow and Servo: Aaaaaah!!! Ha-haaaaaaaaaa!!! Flame her!!!
Crow: It's a Daktari Stool!
Joel: So, how was it for you?
Servo: Well, as far as breakin' stuff goes, it was good, not great.
Crow: Yeah, not as good as that ceramic bell collection.
Joel: Oh, Milavetz and Associates are calling.
Mike: Okay, and this?
Frank: Oh, let me see... Oh, that's my old head! Just file that under "Frank's first head," okay? Oh, hi Joel. Uh, look, we're way too busy to even do an invention exchange this week; we're being audited. You go right ahead, though.
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Servo: Pretty cute.
Frank: Daktari Stool? Whatever. Anyway, Joel, it's a madhouse down here. We're being audited by the Fraternal Order of Mad Science, one of those "Are you really mad enough?" sort of things.
Mike: Frank? Three Jarvik 7's.
Frank: Put them in the junk drawer! Geez, didn't the temp agency test you on any of this stuff?
Mike: Well, I'm a little off my game. I'm not normally required to wear a leg iron like this. Say, what is the deal with that guy and those cute robots?
Frank: Listen, Mr. Four-Dollars-and-Twenty-Five-Cents-an-Hour, you stick with the boxes and I'll take care of the experiment. Is that all right with you?
Dr. F: Frank, can I see you a minute?
Frank: Sure, Dr. F. Say, Steve, this temp stuff is working out great, don't ya think?
Dr. F: Well, I'm glad your little friend is working out nicely, Frank. Now what about sending Joel the movie, you boob!
Frank: Oh, the movie... the movie...
Dr. F: Oh, for the love of... the movie... Oh, Frank, look, remember: the Double Butt Graft, my science project from Evil Oaks. I grafted the butt of a dog onto the butt of a cat. Sure, they all laughed.
Frank: Dr. F, the movie, the movie!
Dr. F: Oh, right.Uh, here it is: "Mitchell", starring Joe Don Baker.
Mike: You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?
Frank: Oh, look, just go get back to work, temp boy!
Dr. F: Well, here it comes, Joel: "Mitchell"! It's a super-secret spy... has a motorcycle... marooned in space... meets Hercules... or not... uh, watch it and weep, Joel Prole Mole! Send them the movie, Frank. Frank, the movie?
Joel: I like the way...
Servo: Movie Sign!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Frank: Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.
Joel: Okay, now you guys, we got about three minutes before we're due back in the theater, so we got to do this Outward Bound Experience toot-sweet, okay? Servo, you know the drill.
Servo: Roger! Joel lowers us into the refuse trench and we have but ninety seconds to field strip ourselves and reassemble ourselves while dangling from our po-po's in the stinky darkness. Ready.
Joel: Mm-hmm. Commando Crow, are you ready?
Gypsy: You kids be careful!
Joel: Don't worry, ma'am, we'll bring 'em back alive. Let's go!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Action Jackson is the name...!
Gypsy: Bye... bye... see ya later! Oh! Oh, the light... uh, guys? Guys! Uh, the evil underpants... hey, guys! ...Uh, hello sirs?
Dr. F: Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.
Frank: After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.
Dr. F: Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!
Frank: Are we talking about the same thing?
Dr. F: He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!
Frank: The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!
Dr. F: Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?
Frank: Yes, elegant... painful.
Dr. F: And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!
Dr. F: No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.
Frank: Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?
Dr. F: And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!
Gypsy: Jumpsuit...? Fool...? They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! Help! What do I do? What do I do? I gotta get him outta here! They're gonna kill him! Help!!! ...Easy, girl! Take it easy. Calm down, breathe through your nose... Here we go... That does it. Easy does it... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... They're going to kill Joel! Ahhhh!!!
Gypsy: OEP... POE.. .EOP... Um, workin' like a dog. Got to think: how to get Joel off the ship? How to get Joel off! ...Charter flight? No... How, how, how to get Joel off the ship... but hoooooooow!!! ...Boy, I'm frustrated. Well, back at it... Throw him? No...
Joel: Hey, Gypsy, workin' on a project, huh? Have you seen my "Inside the PGA" anywhere around here?
Gypsy: No, Joel, I haven't seen your magazine anywhere.
Joel: Oh, it's got this great article of Fuzzy Zoeller.
Gypsy: Joel, if you were faced with your imminent death and had to get back to Earth like pronto, how would you do it?
Joel: Oh, come on, I'd never leave you.
Gypsy: But Joel, your imminent death!
Joel: Gypsy, honey, I could never leave you. It's one for all and all for one, that's the Robinson way. Huh, that Fuzzy Zoeller. What a great guy.
Gypsy: Oh, I can't tell Joel. He would never leave. I'm alone with my heavy burden. Onweeeeeeee!!! ...Hey, I got Tom and Crow to help me. I'm sure in a pinch I can depend on them to be serious and calm and intelligent...
Crow: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Servo: Okay, what's next?
Crow: Okay, "Hardcastle and McCormick."
Servo: Okay. Ride! Riddin' like the demon that drives your dreams!
Crow: Yeah, that's it! Ha ha! Hey, watcha doin', Gyps'?
Gypsy: This is very, very, very important!
Servo: ...a guitar lick...
Gypsy: Hey, can you guys keep a secret?
Servo: Never could, never will, Gypsy. Okay, Crow, how 'bout "Bonanza"? Including the words!
Crow: Oh, okay.
Crow and Servo: It's all right if I pick a little fight, Bonanza!
Gypsy: Oh, I'm being tested! ...Oh ...Who? Who is testing Gypsy?!? ...Hello? ...Well, I will prevail because I am good and the Mads are evil... But, hoooooooow!!!!! Oh, you guys got Movie Light... Hoooooooow!!!
Gypsy: ...and so you see, Mike, that's why we need to bring him down.
Mike: That's amazing, Gypsy. Well, we've gotta do something. Here's the manifest for the Satellite of Love. Maybe there's something here that can help.
Gypsy: Yes, yes, oh yes, oh, please, please, please!
Mike: Okay, I assume you tried to gain control of the escape pod in Dock 14.
Gypsy: Yes, I tried to gain control... There's an escape pod in Dock 14?!
Mike: According to this, there's a single occupant escape pod called the Deus Ex Machina.
Gypsy: How could I not see it? Dumb, stupid, dumb!
Mike: I wouldn't blame yourself, Gypsy. Apparently it's in a box marked "Hamdingers."
Gypsy: Well, no wonder we didn't see it. Nobody likes hamdingers. So how do we get him down, huh?
Mike: I don't know. These clowns must have control. Let's try this thing. If... ah! "The pod is controlled remotely at the techtronic panel," which must be this thing. "If direct access from the satellite is desired, security key must be inserted into the panel and the sequence c:/cd/manual.exe must be entered."
Gypsy: Frank's got to have the key. He loves keys!
Mike: Well, great, Frank's got the keys, so how do I get 'em? Hey, Frank, can I borrow your keys?
Mike: Thanks. Okay, here we go. Let's see: C... colon... backslash... manual e-x-e. I hate these things. Okay, it says "direct access initiated." You're on your own, Gypsy. Uh-oh.
Frank: Hey, what did you need my keys for?
Mike: Um, your lights were on.
Frank: Oh, okay. I... Hey! I don't have a car!
Mike: Well, what did you give me your keys for?
Frank: I dunno, I thought I left my lights on.
Mike: I'm glad I didn't waste time shutting off your imaginary lights.
Frank: Well, I'm sorry.
Gypsy: I've got control! Ooh, I've got to get moving!
Joel: Hey guys, look at me: I'm on my way back to Earth. Pretty crazy, huh?
Gypsy: Twenty seconds to expulsion!
Joel: Hey, okay. All right, we've got this letter to read. Uh, let's put it up on still-store. Okay, this one comes to us from...
Gypsy: Ten seconds and counting! Ten! Nine! Eight!
Joel: Gypsy, could you please turn off these emergency lights? We've got this letter to read!
Gypsy: Sure... One! Expulsion!
Servo: The hell was that?
Crow: Yeah, where's Joel?
Gypsy: I can explain everything. Cambot, quick, give me Rocket Number Nine! He'll finally get to be among his own, in the wild.
Crow: Hey, look, there's a surprise inside that box of hamdingers: an escape pod!
Crow: What about us?
Crow: What are we supposed to do without you? Who's gonna teach us about what it is to be human and stuff?
Joel: Listen, you guys, at this point, you guys know as much about it as I do. Uh, listen, I don't have a lot of time. My signal's starting to break up; I can tell I'm getting out of range. Listen, if you look under the desk, there's a plaque I made for you guys to put up to remember me by.
Servo: Yeah, here it is! Boy, nice job, Joel. Very professional looking. Really, nice job.
Joel: Uh, yeah, thanks. I really gotta get outta here. I'm almost out of range. Listen, you guys, be strong and true. I love you, bye!
Crow: Well, it's been a big day! Who's hungry?
Servo: D'oh! Not yet, dufus! Let's find out what's on the plaque.
Crow: Oh, okay.
Servo: Press that button.
Joel: To all on the Satellite of Love, from Joel.
Gypsy: Hey, that's us!
Crow and Servo: Shh!
Joel: The whole world is a circus if you look at it the right way. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand, everytime you stop to think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic." Every time such a thing happens, you are part of the Circus of Dr. Lao.
Servo: What?! Circus of Dr. Lao? Gee, brother! Joel leaves, and his last words are from a George Pal movie?! I thought it would be something profound, you know, like from the Psalms, or the Upanishads, or even the Desiderata for that matter.
Magic Voice: Last transmission from Joel coming in on Hexfield.
Servo: Joel, buddy, Circus of Dr. Lao? I don't get it!
Joel: Hey, it's my favorite movie, so sue me! I gotta go guys! Hey, see ya later! Sorry folks, I can't come back, I don't know how it works! Goodbye!
Crow and Servo: Bye!
Gypsy: Oh, I'm going to miss him.
Servo: Well, I guess he's gone for good, fellas, and that means only one thing: I'm in charge.
Crow: Wha? Race you to the 'mello cups; I found out where he hides them.
Servo: No, Crow, too soon!
Gypsy: Think they'll send us a new guy?
Servo: Oh, sure, they're bound to. But, until that happens: PANIC!
All: Panic!!! Ahhh!!! Joel!!!! Ahh!!! Panic!!! Ahhh!!! Joel!!!
Dr. F: Ah, nothing like a good shower to make one feel good again, huh? I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood. What's going on, Frank?
Frank: Oh, not much. Inventory's under control... floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. F: Well, I see you got the situation well in hand... What?! Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
Frank: Well, I better get started on that floor.
Dr. F: Frank, my towel and your hinder have an appointment. But first, we got to rescue Joel. Oh, no! No! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback.
Frank: Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. F: Well, that's a good point, Frank, 'cause... Frank, can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Frank: Well, we can send someone else into space.
Dr. F: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
Mike: Would you guys sign my time card?
Dr. F: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are ya?
Mike: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card.
Dr. F: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man. In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank. Say Mike, what size jumpsuit do you wear?
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