Joel: Okay, Gypsy, it's your turn! Roll 'em!
Gypsy: Come on, boxcars!
Joel: Okay, looks like... Oh, got a six... okay... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6!
Servo: Oh, with each pump my mind expands at an alarming rate, and I don't mind telling you it's a harsh, jarring, comfortless experience.
Joel: Oh, come on, quit yer bellyaching. Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, and the 'Bots an' I have decided ta turn ol' Tom Servo into that Milton Bradley game Kaboom! Okay, c'mon... Oh, got an eight!
Servo: Oh... Oh that stings! An' that's another thing: why Kaboom, guys? I feel more suited to Go to the Head of the Class, or Stadium Checkers, or even Kerplunk! Ha! Anything'd be better than this!
Crow: If it would make you feel any better, we could play "hands down" with you...
Servo: Why, that's it! Oh, great day! Hands Down, that's the slap-happiest game ever! How would we play?
Crow: I thought we'd just get in a circle and hit you and snag on you and crush...
Gypsy: You guys, I could uh, surv... I gotta go survey the electronics on the ship, could we just forget about the game and, pump up Servo's head until it pops?
Crow: Yeah! That's it!
Servo: No... no... no... no... no...
Crow: Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.
Joel, Crow and Gypsy: Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop. Pop him! Pop him! Pop! Pop! Pop! POP HIM! POP HIM! POP! POP! POP! POP HIM! POP HIM! POP! POP! POP! POP HIM! POP HIM! POP! POP! POP!
Servo: My lord, this is incredible! My head is so huge I've accumulated all the knowledge of all humanity throughout the ages! Yet all I can think about is, why? Why did they cancel Manimal? WHY?
Joel: Oh uh, Peter Lynn Hayes and Mary Healy are calling, you guys.
Dr. F: Oh hello, boobie! Say, do you wanna make people's heads explode? Sure, we all do. Well, my Invention Exchange this week is a study guide I put together called, "The Scanner Planner". It's filled with lots of life's little instructions on how you can scan people's brains and make their heads explode. Now the first thing you'll need for your scanning is a good subject, someone who's your moral and intellectual inferior. I wonder who that could be...
Frank: Hi, Dr. Forrester! Whatcha doin'? Hey, you were scanning me, weren't you?! You tried to make my head explode, you freaked out maniac!
Dr. F: Ow, d'oh! This could take a while, Joel. Back up to you!
Joel: Sirs, when are you gonna realize that when you kill each other, you're only hurting yourselves? Heh. Anyways, our Invention Exchange is based on one of the century's safest, softest, and funnest concepts: the wiffle ball!
Servo: It's fun! And we've taken the whole wiffle concept and siphoned it through our own madcap, irreverent viewpoint. Ha! For instance, there's the... wiffle hat! Haha! It's lighter, cooler, and more comfortable than any ordinary hat.
Crow: And there's the wiffle glass. Makes any soft drink wiffleicious! Heh... geh... Well, we haven't quite worked out all the kinks yet, but I've come up with something even cooler. Wiffle cheese...
Joel: Hey wait a minute, this is just Swiss cheese!
Crow: That's right. It's nature's own wiffle.
Servo: That's right, and think of the possibilities; they're endless! Wiffle cat, wiffle dog, wiffle roach motel!
Crow: Wiffle sports jacket, wiffle replacement hip, wiffle underpants!
Joel: Wiffle shoehorn, wiffle apartment building, wiffle Claude Akins!
Joel, Crow and Servo: WIFFLE!
Joel: Whaddaya think, sirs?
Dr. F: Oh, Joel! Your movie this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger", and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-dodey period.
Frank: Beverly Garland? Rrr...
Dr. F: It was also directed by Roger Corman, so your heads may explode before Frank's does! Yipee-kay-i-ay, mamma-jamma!
Servo: He made my head explode! Thank you, Dr. Forrester!
Crow: Aah, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: Thank you!
Crow: So, this is what it's like to be dead.
Joel: Well, roughly. This is what it's like to be in a casket.
Servo: So uh, why are we doing this?
Joel: Well aren't you curious?
Crow: About bein' dead? We're robots, Joel. We're not the ones who hafta worry about it. Uh, you understand my point?
Joel: Oh yeah, well at least I have a soul, okay?
Servo: Yeah, sure ya do. Anyway, even though I'm not gonna die, sure could see havin' a snappy funeral!
Crow: Oh, not like the one in the movie though. What a drag!
Servo: No, at my funeral, I'd hope my friends would toss me up and down in a blanket like the Eskimos do. Y'know, really go for some height?
Crow: Oh, how about a beach funeral? Y'know, pony keg, bonfire, couples slippin' off into the woods to neck... Prop me up so I can surf!
Joel: Oh, I'd go the dignity route. Y'know, variety of ethnic foods, maybe a saxophone quartet...
Servo: Ah, dignity schmignity, Joel. I want elephants! Lots of them! And circus ladies as my pallberers. Heh, I want 'em enthusiastic and wearin' those little frilly skirts, those little tutus...
Joel: Uh y'know, Tom, cost could be a consideration.
Crow: Oh nonsense, Joel! I'll lie in state for several days at the Corn Palace, while "Hooked on a Feeling" is sung by a choir of castrati!
Servo: Y'know, there's always the educational route: a real hands-on kinda funeral, details of my embalming written up and distributed...
Joel: It is fun to think about it.
Servo: Yeah, sure is. Huh. So uh, when you humans die um, that's it, right? Uh, you're dead forever?
Crow: Well, isn't that like throwin' the baby out with the bathwater, Joel?
Servo: Yeah, why don't you just not die, Joel?
Joel: Well, everybody dies...
Crow: Oh, and if everybody ran off a cliff you'd do that too...
Joel: Well... that's not the way it works. Besides, we got Commercial Sign.
Servo: Well, it's just weird, that's all. Maybe it's us!
Crow: Joel, is there any way I could be mummified and placed next to Stalin?
Joel: Sure, honey...
Crow: Well, that's what I want. Mummified and placed next to Stalin.
Servo: Dum, dum, da, dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-dum-dum, ba-da-da-dumbadum-dum-dum-dum...
Crow: Woah! Stand back, the filly in ya may be interferin' with this darin' horseback rider of the Pony Express! Carryin' mail from the Satellite o' Love to the... Woah girl, Satellite o' Love.
Joel: Wow, this is great. You kinda got a Pony Express... kinda... Gypsy Express... thing...
Servo: Make haste, man! Be gone, off with you!
Crow: Aah, Concorde!
Crow: Owie, owie. Owie, owie. Owie, owie. Owie, owie...
Servo: There goes a brave fella and his brave horse. Oh by the way, Joel, I'm sending you a very important message.
Joel: Yeah, okay.
Servo: I just hope to God it gets to you in time!
Joel: Uh Servo, I'm standing right here. What is the point?
Servo: The point is, Joel, just play along!
Crow: Woah, Gypsy! Watch out for that... ow...
Joel: So uh, what did you write to me in the letter?
Servo: Oh, that I wanted a peanut-butter-and-dijon sammich and a Snapple for lunch! Here it is!
Gypsy: Crow, you're a lot heavier than you appear to be!
Crow: Ah... you a Joel Robinstone?
Joel: Ah, that's Joel Robinson, yes. And this is for me, I imagine. Okay, let's see here... Uh, "Dear Joel..."
Servo: Ow! Ow! Easy, girl!
Joel: "Dear Joel, I am fine. I want a something... something... and a Snapple for lunch. Yours very truly, Servo." 'Kay, I'm gonna have to respond to this. Uh...
Servo: Peanut-butter-and-dijon sammich, Joel. It's very simple...
Joel: Uh, yeah. Could you turn around, let me just write this down... Okay uh, "Dear Servo, uh, I am in receipt of your correspondence regarding lunch and I regret to inform you that I cannot read the two words you wrote between 'I want a' and 'a Snapple.' Please respond at your convenience, or before lunch. Regards, Joel."
Servo: Peanut-butter-and-dijon sandwich. It's not that difficult... Oh, cripe. This is gonna take forever. I'm so hungry...
Crow: Owie, owie! Owie, owie! Owie, owie! Owie, owie! Owie, owie! Owie, owie!
Joel: Oh, y'know those kids don't even know that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line...
Servo: What could be taking them so long?! Woah!
Joel and Crow: WOAH!
Joel: But Tom, that doesn't explain how John Ireland could go into the attorney's office and suddenly appear on his horse in the street!
Servo: Look, Joel, it's really just a broadened interpretation of quantum linear superposition.
Crow: Super bahud... Huh?
Servo: They simply observe the apparent relative state of a John Ireland in one place, while in actuality he co-existed in the objective vector state. See?
Crow: I have a theory. The town is a bunch of false fronts, and he ran over there real fast.
Joel: Alright, I'm with him.
Servo: Guys, why is it so hard to accept the fact that time is not an immutable forward progression, but a factor in a space-time model of relativistic causality and determinism. Huh? Guys! Hello! A couple of cattle these two. Okay. Here, I'm gonna demonstrate, okay? Watch. Me. Closely. Alleyoop!
Crow: Hey, wait, where'd he go?
Joel: I dunno, he just...
Servo: I'm over here, guys.
Crow: I hate when ya do that!
Joel: But Servo, that's fantastic! That's amazing!
Servo: It's physics, Joel. Plain and simple. You just exist in one observable region in face space, and then zip! Ya simply realign your point of origin, ya see?
Crow: He does this to me at night. Scared the hell outta me.
Servo: It's easy guys, a trained chimp could do it! C'mon, Joel. Try it, it's fun!
Joel: Okay, I'm going to excite myself in a position of undetermined origin and region and ZAK!
Servo: Nope, nope, nope.
Joel: Uh, it didn't really work.
Crow: Well, I'm not doin' it. Doin' it makes you chubby and stupid like Tom!
Servo: Shht! Say it to my face, pinbeak!
Crow: D'OH! DA-JOEL, HELP ME!
Servo: Hey, y'know I can also warp space and time this way. Watch!
Joel: Oh Tom, I don't think so... But that still doesn't explain how John Ireland is able to go into the attorney's office and end up on his horse on the st... What the?
Servo: See what I mean?
Crow: Hey, my sammich is whole again! Cool!
Joel: We'll be right back.
Servo: N-n-n-n-no. They'll be right back; we'll be right here!
Joel: Honey, don't.
Servo: Y'know, Roger Corman can make almost anything seem dismal, but still the 1870's had to be a pretty foul decade, eh?
Joel: Well I barely remember the 1870's, but I was around for the 1970's, and you're right, it was a pretty foul decade.
Crow: Coo-el. Did you wear chaps and cowboy hats and stuff?
Joel: Uh no, but I knew people who did.
Servo: Were the James gangs still around?
Joel: Oh no, uh, Joe Waltz broke up and started Barnstorm.
Crow: Oh hey, did ya ever rope cattle, or bust broncos and stuff?
Joel: No, but I rolled my Charger a few times.
Crow and Servo: Wow...
Joel: Well uh, let's read some letters. Huh, where are they?
Crow: Uh, uh, oh yeah, they're down there.
Servo: Yep. Fresh, crispy letters. Mmm-hmm.
Joel: Hey, they are fresh and crispy. Eww!
Crow: Uh, yeah. We uh, deep fried 'em!
Servo: Uh... I'm not sure I understand the question, Joel.
Joel: Oh, nevermind. Let's just uh, blot off some of this grease. Ah, break off some of this admittedly delicious-looking crust. Ooh, caution: filling is hot?
Crow: Yep. Careful.
Joel: Okay... and uh, about how many weeks' worth of uh, letters did you fry anyway?
Crow: Well... like four mailbags full, whatever that is.
Servo: Yep. We had a lot of frying medium, and a lot a letters.
Joel: Well honeys, don't deep fry any more letters, 'kay?
Crow and Servo: Okay.
Joel: Okay, this letter's from France...
Crow and Servo: Wow...
Servo: Ooh la la!
Joel: And um, put that on Still Store... it's French! And uh, it's from Mike Murf, Amy Den, Nancy Jeff and Marie, and they write, "Dear Fellas, Our club is made up of members from Paris, Monaco, and Madrid, and we meet regularly to scarf down Mexican food and watch the latest ten tapes sent over by our supplier in Southern California."
Servo: Wink, wink.
Joel: "So far, our club is exclusively American, as the British folks we've tried to recruit just haven't gotten overly excited. But hey, what can ya expect from the people who gave us Benny Hill?"
Crow: Hey, they gave us Monty Python too!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Yeah!
Crow: But, there is that Benny Hill thing.
Servo: Yup. There it sits.
Joel: Oh... Whaddaya think, sirs?
Dr. F: Oof! Wow, it worked! I blew Frank's head up! Well, remind me to snap on a new one, Joel. Until next time...
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