||Magic Voyage of Sinbad
||I Accuse My Parents
Joel: If you go to absolute zero, there'll be no molecular motion! It'll start a chain-reaction and kill us all!
Servo: Oh, yes, yes, yes... Well Crow, you're not quite zero Kelvin, but still it's got to be pretty cold in there!
Crow: Yeah, this is nothing! Give me the deep freeze, mamma-jamma!
Servo: Alright, woo!
Joel: Hey, alright. Hi, Crow. Hi, Tom.
Joel: Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Rob... Hey, wait a minute. What's with the Crow-in-the-box?
Servo: Oh, we're bringing his temperature down to absolute zero! Seems like it might be kinda fun.
Joel: Wait a minute, you can't do that!
Servo: Yeah, that's kinda how it played out in our scenario, too. Well, wait a minute! That's kinda stupid, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah, it's stupid. We gotta get him outta there! Uh, oh...
Servo: Oh, good one, Joel.
Joel: Oops. Uh, we'll be right back. I...
Servo: I'm not putting him back together, either.
Crow: I'm shattered!
Joel: Okay, there you go, good as new.
Crow: Sure, if you ignore the massive structural damage and my complete lack of any resale value.
Joel: Yeah, I was ignoring that.
Crow: Oh, heh.
Servo: Oh, hi. Say, would you guys hurry up with that glue? It's really starting to affect me.
Joel: Yeah, okay. Tappy and Sloppy are calling.
Dr. F: Oh, Joel. I was just...
Frank: Doctor, have you seen my long underwear? I'm late for my... ice dancing lesson.
Dr. F: No, I haven't seen your long underwear, Frank. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't wear your long underwear even... Joel. Invention Exchange. I've got a nutty idea... Heh. But uh, be a dear and go first. Uh, I need a couple of minutes.
Joel: Sure, if you're not ready to go, we'll go no problem.
Joel: Yeah, well-put. Anyway, my good friend Crow locked up the deal to do the music for "The Beverly Hillbillies" movie.
Crow: Yeah, well we're hammering out a deal memo.
Joel: And it led to an amazing discovery.
Crow: Right, remember The Beverly Hillbillies was part of The Paul Henning Hooterville Trilogy?
Joel: Right, that was The Beverly Hillbillies...
Joel: Green Acres...
Joel: ...and Petticoat Junction.
Crow: Right, right, right. They all had this really cool incidental music.
Joel: Yeah, it was music that went, "Wer, wer-wer, wer."
Servo: Oh, no, no, no. If I may, Joel, it was more like, "Wernik! Wer-wer wer wer, wah, waaah."
Crow: The point is, I didn't know how to make that music until we came up with...
Joel: The Porkarina! Now don't worry, all you pig-lovers, we didn't use a real pig.
Crow: We didn't?!
Joel: No, we just re-invented the instrument that made the original incidental music. The original was lost in the tragic Universal fire. Hey, here comes Mr. Haney, pulling a hilarious lymphlik.
Servo: Well, Mr. Douglas, that there is a genuine dirt-birger.
Crow: That's not a dirt-birger. And, there's the efficient Ms. Hatthaway.
Gypsy: Oh, Jethro!
Joel: And there's Uncle Joey, he's movin' kinda slow.
Servo: At the Junction.
Crow: Well, pretty hot. Kinda tired. Was gonna go fishin', but it's too damn hot. Better sit down for a little while. Yep, yep. When's that government check comin' in? Pretty hot. Kinda bloated. Gonna die soon.
Joel: You're up, sirs.
Dr. F: Joel. The human body: unattractive? Sure. Even worse, it's inefficient. Especially Frank's human body.
Frank: I'm late for my ice dancing lesson.
Dr. F: That's why I've drained Frank's blood...
Joel, Crow and Servo: You what?! You can't do that!
Dr. F: Don't worry, I replaced it... with proveline glycol, radiator fluid. I even surgically implanted a radiator so Frank won't... overheat in the summer and won't freeze up in the winter. And you act like I'm the jerk!
Frank: I'm... so... cold...
Dr. F: Granted, Frank's new system does need to be flushed nightly uh, but once you get the hang of it, it's not quite as tricky as it seems and can even be done on an outpatient basis.
Joel: Well wait a minute. Why don't you just leave Frank with his own blood? That way he could wear a jacket and scarf and stuff...
Dr. F: And since Frank's blood was a previously-unknown type, the money that that brings in should... Why?! Because it's science, that's why! Frank, here. Why don't you run along to your lesson now? C'mon. Go ahead, scoot, scoot! Joel, speaking of unattractive human bodies, your movie this week, "Eegah", has got Richard Kiel and not much else. Look, Frank signed all the forms; it's an improvement; he even likes it! Why, he's probably out there right now skating his little heart out. Eegah! Hehe. Oh, God.
Joel: Ready? Holiday for Pigs! Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Joel: Hey, c'mon! I'm serious. There existed a time when our nation took pride in its service stations. They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day, kablooey. You know, sky-cheap super-service turned into the tank-and-tummy. I don't mind telling you guys, the day this country went self-service was the day that Hell began to bubble up and flood the Earth.
Crow: Ow! Geez.
Joel: Oh, gosh. I'm sorry, pal. I've been so distracted; I just keep thinking about that slick gas station in today's movie. Did you notice how slick and beautiful it was?
Servo: Uh, gee. No Joel, I can't say as I did. Cuckoo, cuckoo...
Crow: Oh, I hate to burst your bubble Joel, but uh, what about the bubonic plague? World War? Stalin?
Joel: Well, c'mon. Those are all big things. You know, Hell works better when it's alot more subtle. Here, I'll give you example. Okay. Crow, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Right, now well what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well you know, they had one or two decent... Oh my God, you're right!
Servo: Wow! I get it now, Joel. Oh, now I'm not certain when Hell started for me, but I think it has something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, yeah. Well remember the time that Charlie Weaver died and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Yeah, or win the 86 charts.
Servo: I think the first time Flo said, "Kiss my grits," something inside all of us withered and died.
Crow: Using Joe Camel to market cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: Yeah, I agree with that. And then there was the time Dennis Leary released "No Cure for Cancer" as an album, and then the time Vicky Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia".
Servo: I know I stand alone on this, but... the day Blanskie's Beauties got cancelled.
Crow: Yeah, you stand alone on that.
Servo: Yeah, pretty much.
Crow: Sinbad's pretty icky.
Joel: Yeah, what about the Charlene Tilton workout video?
Servo: Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of Hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction... Those have been known to work.
Joel: Then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back Hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow: I remember that. All of us, together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of Hell... And then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time like Moses and the Israelites.
Servo: Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow: Gee, Davey. Do you think it was... God?
Joel: We'll be right back.
Crow: Why not try two hands and a club?
Joel: Okay guys, I'm all setup in this thing. What was it for again?
Servo: If you must know, Joel, we're going to surgically alter your face so you look just like Arch Hall, Jr.
Joel: Well, wait a minute. Who's Arch Hall, Jr.?
Crow: You know, Arch Hall, Jr., the butt-ugly teen star in today's movie. Now this might hurt a bit...
Servo: Oh, Dr. Gypsy, the patient needs gas!
Gypsy: And how are we today? Oh, what a nice, big boy you are. Hmm... He's toast. See you guys post-op!
Crow: Uh yes, let's get cracking, Dr. Tom.
Crow: Once that gas wears off, I don't know how long those restraints will hold.
Servo: Don't give it another thought, Dr. Crow. By the time Joel comes to, he'll have no recourse but to take up a career as a wimpy, B-movie actor! Hahahahaha! You know, doctor?
Servo: I have a mad posh to start with the Arch hair!
Crow: Switching on Arch hair! Ah, and it smells bad, too. Now quickly, Dr. Tom, let's smoosh his face to look like a sunburned baby.
Servo: Smooshed, sunburnt baby Arch Hall, Jr. face coming up!
Crow: Looks good, Dr. Tom, but he needs that inhuman Play-Doh-color skin... but how?
Servo: Don't fret, Dr. Crow, the pigment's on its way! Watch...
Servo: Yes, yes...
Crow: The sleeper awakens! Hurry, he's almost complete! I'll give him the Arch Hall nose and let's get the hell outta here.
Servo: Yes, yes, yes, yes...
Joel: But I don't wanna look like Arch Hall, Jr.!
Servo: Alas, Babylon. Quick, Gypsy! Hit him with the fixative! It's almost...
Crow: It is...
Servo: Movie Sign!
Crow: Oh, my goodness... Malpractice Sign!
Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. This is gonna be good. You know it's as much fun to make as it is to eat.
Crow: Well I hope it tastes good, because the 'as much fun to make' part just isn't happening for me.
Servo: Uh, say Joel, I've got a question about today's experiment.
Servo: You know that Roxy chick hangs out with her dad alot, but where's her mom?
Joel: Oh, well I'm sure dad's a widower.
Crow: How do you know he wasn't divorced?
Joel: Well, because the movie took place in the 60's, and back then divorce was considered socially unacceptable and so the entertainment industry's elegant solution was the untimely death of a spouse.
Servo: You know you're right, Joel? You know, now that I think of it, the families on TV back then were mostly run by widowers. Huh. Think of it, guys: The Andy Griffith Show, Mayberry RFD, Courtship of Eddie's Father, oh My Three Sons, Flipper, The Beverly Hillbillies! The list goes on and on...
Crow: Yeah, the only normal family back then was The Munsters...
Servo: Hehe. So what happened to all those spouses on all those 60's shows? I mean, geez, back then marrying a good natured, suburban guy with cute, precocious kids was like buying a one-way ticket to an early grave!
Joel: Right, well I know on My Three Sons, Steve Douglas' wife's untimely death had something to do with Secret Project X-15! Yeah.
Servo: Oh. So how 'bout Uncle Charlie? Did he have a dead wife?
Crow: Oh, well he was secretly married to bub, who died under mysterious circumstances that were hushed-up by the government.
Joel: Now you're making stuff up.
Crow: Just push the corn.
Servo: Oh, what about Mr. Eddie's Father's wife? Wha happa?
Joel: Oh, you mean umm, Mrs. Livingston?
Joel: She tragically died leaving the Earth's atmosphere running away with My Favorite Martian. It's sad, really.
Crow: Oh, now you're making stuff up.
Joel: Yeah I am.
Crow: When you come right down to it, what we're really talking about here, guys, is a cheap plot device that enables young, swinging bachelors to mix it up with a hot, young lady and still have adorable kids that they can dispense folksy, homespun advice to.
Joel: Yeah, I guess it was all pretty harmless.
Servo: Now wait a minute! What do you mean, harmless? An entire generation grew up watching shows run by single parents. No wonder the nuclear family has exploded in recent years.
Crow: Hey, I just thought of somethin'! We don't have a mom, either!
Servo: Well hey, yeah! We're latch-key 'Bots! Oh...
Joel: C'mon, you guys. Gimme a break, c'mon. I'm stranded in space. And besides, when I was a kid I saw the ABC movie of the week with Herschel Bernardi, "But I Don't Want to Get Married"; it had a profound effect on me!
Crow: Well don't worry, Joel. We both know we have alot to be grateful for. We have you, we have Gypsy, Cambot, Magic Voice, but most importantly, we have lots and lots of love. And that's something you just don't get in a two-parent household!
Joel: This thing wasn't even on.
Joel: We'll be right back.
Crow: Whahahaha! Hurry up, Joel! Turn the water on! I gotta wash Eegah off me! I'm naked and afraid... Hey, don't look! Gee.
Servo: Joel, Joel, Joel... I can feel that slimy movie all over me. Uck! It's like wearing an orlon sweater soaked in codliver oil. Uh, plech. Say, would you be a dear and turn the shower massage head on pulsate for me?
Joel: Oh, got it. Yep.
Crow: Hey, pass me the Fels Naptha, would ya?
Joel: Okay, got it. Here comes...
Crow: Thanks. Hey, there's a hair on this.
Servo: Umm, we don't have hair.
Crow and Servo: Eww!
Joel: Anyway, you guys, we can just uh, get nice and clean and I'll read this nice letter and uh, that'll be nice, okay?
Joel: And this one comes from Lynn Ruff and Nancy Payton. Let's put the picture on Still-Store. And it says, "Dear Joel & the 'Bots, This missive is winging its way to you from two of your very devoted fans. We recently watched 'The Day the Earth Froze', where the search for a SAMPO was pivotal to the movie. You expressed a desire to know what a Sampo was, so... We felt obliged to send photos of an actual SAMPO. See enclosed." Okay, and uh, there's the picture with us right on the SAMPO. And that comes from Lynn Ruff and Nancy Payton.
Servo: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Boy, I feel like a new man! I washed that movie right off of me.
Crow: It's amazing what a little soap and water will do.
Joel: Okay, what do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Uh... Geez... Uh, not now, Joel. Daddy forgot Frank's regularly-scheduled maintenance. All the coolant leaked out. Seized 'er right up! Just got the thing paid for, too.
Frank: Say, do you think I could possibly get my blood back, please?
Dr. F: Oh, you want your blood back? Fine, baby, baby, baby. I'll put your blood back in. I'll pour it right back in. Come on! Come on, Frank!
Frank: No, no. No, no. You know what? I don't, I don't even want it anymore. You take it.
Dr. F: Yeah?
Frank: You take it.
Dr. F: Yeah? No, I insist. You take it.
Frank: No, you take it.
Dr. F: You can have your precious blood, you baby.
Frank: You take it, you big, stupidy, bully-blood! You take it.
Dr. F: Oh, c'mon, Frank.
Frank: You know what? I'm gonna push the Button.
Dr. F: Oh, you're gonna push the Button? Go ahead, push the Button.
Frank: That's right, I'm gonna push it right now. I'm pushing it.
Dr. F: Okay, push it, then. I dare you. You need your mommy?
Frank: I'm pushing the Button. Oh.
Back to Experiments.
Back to MSTies Anonymous.