||Manos: the Hands of Fate
||Warrior of the Lost World
Joel: Okay, well I think that's about it, Tom. I just recommend keeping it brief and low-key.
Servo: Well with all due respect, Joel, I've been at the opinion that this little introduction of ours should really be thought out and well, much more ceremonial.
Joel: Oh, okay. Well hi, everybody! Today I'm handing over the official welcoming duties to our own Tom Servo.
Servo: Why thank... Why thank you, Joel. Our very own Mr. Joel Robinson, ladies and gentlemen, and his little automaton sidekick, Crow. Haha! What a delight, eh? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages. I'm Tom Servo. And it is my sincere pleasure to welcome all of you aboard the Satellite of Love. Before we begin, the management has asked that I point out the restrooms located for and aft. And that you do please join us... That you do please join us for a brief question and answer period after the symposium following my opening remarks. Ahem. As I stand here tonight, I am reminded of an amusing anecdote in which I saw Crow walking down the hall. I said to him, as I am oft wont to do...
Crow: Hehehehe... You're dying out here!
Servo: Get out! Ah! As I am oft wont to do. And I called to my friend, Crow, uh, and I said, "Crow, my... my friend..." Uh, I seem to have lost my place. Just bear with me a second.
Crow: Looking for page two?
Servo: What? Wait... We seem to be having some technical difficulty. Uh, excuse me a moment, won't you? Crow! Come over here.
Crow: We'll be right back!
Servo: You rotten little... C'mon, come here. Take this... What do you... Here, grab it... Haha! Yes, eat it. Eat it. Eat it. Yes, taste it all! Yes, swallow it. Every bite! Hahaha!
Servo: I'm sorry, Crow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Crow: Look, Tommy, I'm sorry too. I had no idea I could fluster you so much! I... I really feel bad.
Servo: I'm sorry I made you eat my speech.
Crow: No, I liked it!
Servo: No, it's no big deal, Crow. I'm sure I'll have another big debut someday. Tell you one thing: I really pitted out my sportcoat here! Whoo! I'm a regular Tom Jones!
Joel: Hey, you guys! C'mon! I saw the light flashing all the way down the hall. The Buttafuocoes are calling.
Dr. F: Afternoon, Joel. Hello, robot super-pals. If you have a moment, and I assume you do, Frank and I would like to demonstrate an amazing new fitness product. It's called the Square Master. You see, the Square Master allows you to maximize your human potential because Square Master uses one of nature's most perfect shapes for your perfect shape. How does it work? Frank? Square Master allows you to utilize complicated principles of inertia and mass. Simply, efficiently, naturally. How? By using nature's perfectly-balanced muscle-resistant: gravity. That's right, for a beginning anaerobic workout, start with hands on the outside of the square. Then, when you're ready, go inside the square. Put your feet on the square. Sit on the square and simulate rowing. As your workout improves, you can link two squares together to form a rectangle. Now you're really working out. And for full aerobic conditioning, work on your Shemp area.
Frank: Woowoowoowoowoowoowoo! Woowoowoowoowoowoowoo!
Dr. F: The sweet secret of the Square Master is its dynamic, patented square area.
Frank: The exercise is really working. I can really feel it here. Thank you, Square Master!
Dr. F: Square Master. $49.95 or three payments of $29.95.
Frank: It's hip to be square! Your turn, Joel.
Servo: Gee, that Frank's got a cute shape!
Crow: Well, of course he does. He doesn't work and he's got oodles of time.
Joel: Okay, you two, that's enough. Well, sirs, do you remember the innocence of a childhood Valentine's Day? The excitement of getting hearts and treats? And most of specifically, those chalky little hearts that had cute comments that you got from somebody special? Remember?
Dr. F and Frank: No.
Joel: Oh, uh... It wasn't really that big of a deal... Uh, somebody help me out.
Crow: Well, sirs, kids used to give candy hearts with cute sayings to kids they liked. Well, it's true! Just buck up and face it. Anyway, we thought they sounded pretty neat, so we decided to bring 'em back for adults. Only this time, we're calling them Bitter Sweethearts... because they deal with things in life that are awkward to say!
Servo: And because they deal with tougher, more upsetting issues than puppy love, we've made them into tasty, easy-to-chew antacids, which by the way, are an excellent source of calcium!
Joel: Yeah, next time you don't want to say it, don't. Let Bitter Sweethearts do it. Like, this one says GET OUT.
Crow: OWIE OWIE OWIE.
Servo: LOVE ME.
Joel: STILL MAD.
Crow: MY NEEDS.
Servo: Oh, here we go. BITE ME.
Joel: DROP HIM.
Crow: I'M TESTED.
Servo: THAT HAIR.
Joel: CAN'T LEAVE THE COUNTY.
Crow: Perfect for interventions, counseling sessions, or awkward dating situations!
Servo: Look at this. WEIRD FACE.
Joel: YOU'LL DO.
Crow: LIKE A BROTHER.
Joel: Pretty neat, huh sirs?
Servo: Does it say that on there?
Joel: Uh... um... uh...
Dr. F: How sweet. Anyway, I think people should talk to one another. Well, get ready for action with this week's film, Joel. It's a post-apocalyptic thriller and it stars Persis Khambatta! Rrrrrr! Haha! And that guy... Oh, what is his name, Frank?
Frank: Oh, I dunno. The guy from Paper Chase.
Dr. F: Oh right, right. Anyway, Joel, please enjoy Warrior of the Lost World. I bid you pain! Which way to the Button, Frank?
Joel and Servo: IT'S BLUE?! Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Crow: They're called what, slot cars?
Joel: Yeah, or slots for short. I saw all the neat chase scenes in today's experiment and I got nostalgic for my old slot car race kit, so I uh... retro-fitted you guys with wheels and bingo! Hot slot 'Bots! You're gonna be going over 300 scale miles per hour!
Servo: Wow, imagine!
Crow: Well, we'll do it Joel, but are you sure we're built to take the stress of 300 scale miles per hour?
Servo: Oh, c'mon Crow! Have some pride, man! We're slots! We crave the danger! We drink deeply of the deep...
Joel: C'mon, Crow!
Servo: Uh, Joel, I seem to be having a little problem... Joel...
Joel: Watch out for that jump, Crow!
Crow: Jump? Whoa!
Servo: I'm doing backwards...
Joel: Yes, he made it! Oh, c'mon Tom. What is your problem?
Servo: I don't know, man. Well if I knew that, I'd...
Joel: Okay, try it again.
Joel: Here comes that jump again, Crow!
Crow: No hands! Woohoo!
Joel: Allright! C'mon, Tom. You're losing and you look bad.
Crow: Woohoo! Hey, Tommy!
Servo: This is ridiculous. I feel like a milk tru...
Joel: Here comes that jump, Tommy!
Servo: Ah! Ooh, ow! Ooh, ow! Ooh, ow!
Joel: Oh, brother.
Servo: Ooh, I spin my head. That really hurts.
Joel: Oh, c'mon. Brother.
Servo: Joel, this is ridiculous. I couldn't beat Margaret DuMont.
Crow: On your left, Tommy!
Joel: I don't know what your problem is; Crow's doing fine!
Servo: I know, but...
Joel: Listen, you've got some major design problems here.
Joel: I'm sorry.
Servo: But I want to go 300 scale miles an hour!
Joel: Yeah. C'mon, Barney Olfield. Into the pits with you. Let's go. C'mon.
Crow: Whoo! I was able negotiate the shekane without any sacrifice in speed. We'll be right back. Walk around the sinbaree...
Joel: C'mon mom, let's go!
Servo: Hey, we are back now. Hey, how 'bout that Warrior of the Lost World, huh? You know, it's funny. He's riding around in the apocalypse on a talking motorcycle... He's doing battle with imperial storm troopers, ninjas and Nazis and the like... But we wondered what it would be like if the end of civilization as we know it occured and this guy hadn't gotten his driving permit yet! Wouldn't that be nice! So let's take a look at the gang and see what they put together here... Join our hero as he enters the Lost World in the back of his mother's Vista Cruiser station wagon.
Crow: Speak up, I can't understand you.
Joel: I said, let's go! I gotta take my permit test so I can fight the imperial forces!
Crow: You will do nothing of the kind, young man. You're going to get your permit thingy, and then we have to go get you a nice pair of slacks for school, and then you're going to wait for mom while she picks out a new bra.
Joel: Oh, shoot. There's Dickey Snobb! I can't let him to see me. Duck down, mom, duck down!
Crow: I will not, I'll wrinkle my pantsuit. Hello, Dickey!
Servo: Hello, Mrs. Warrior!
Crow: Bye-bye. What a nice young man. Would you like a nice pair of slacks like Dickey has? He's such a nice... Would you sit up straight in that seat?
Joel: Yes, ma'am.
Crow: You'll get rickets, for Heaven's sake.
Joel: Oh, lady lady...
Crow: Now we're here. Now hurry up.
Crow: And stop mumbling!
Crow: Oh, boy.
Servo: Well, our hero doesn't pass the driving test as you can imagine. So let's see what happens now as he has to face mom with the news!
Joel: Man, that was totally bogus. I missed getting my permit by 20 lousy points. Shoot!
Crow: Language, dear! And stop slouching!
Joel: Mom, you gotta give me a ride over to the Lost World, okay?
Crow: You're not going to the Lost World today, young man. I've got a lot of errands to run.
Joel: Oh, fine. This sucks. I'm hoofing it home.
Gypsy: Hello, Mrs. Warrior!
Gypsy: Hey, why aren't you in your super-charged cycle?
Joel: Oh, shut up. Just shut up all of you, shut up!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: Oh, number 4.
Crow: You know, Joel, I have to say what with the lush, green countryside, the well-maintained roads and buildings, and the ready availability of transportation, food and fuel, I'm kinda looking forward to the apocalypse!
Servo: Yeah, provided the Paper Chase Guy doesn't survive.
Joel: You guys, that's a terrible thing to say! Nobody's looking forward to the apocalypse. Though I do agree with you about the Paper Chase Guy.
Servo: But look at it this way, Joel: factor out the unfathomable human loss and a guy could really get a lot done.
Crow: Think of it. The lines at Nordstrom's would actually be quite light.
Servo: Yeah, a fella could play endless games of stickball on I-94.
Joel: Yeah, I'd probably take some time off and do some entertaining or something.
Crow: Oh, sure you could. You know, it'd be really fun to make a nutritious, well-balanced meal and then just let it go bad while you cram your face with T.J. Bearwich cookies.
Servo: You know, I'd just drive a tank everywhere, just blowing the bejeezers out of some of man's greatest architectures that went along.
Joel: I got it. I'd walk around totally naked holding a Big Gulp Terminator 2 glass.
Crow: I could see you doing that. You know, I'd start cars and put bricks on the accelerators and send 'em screamin' down the highway for days on end.
Servo: You know, I'd feel completely unself-conscious about renting videotapes like say, Turner & Hooch, Three Men and a Little Lady...
Joel: You know what I'd like to do? Head down to Wimbledon, then truck on over to St. Andrew's and do a quick 9. You know?
Crow: I'd put football pads on and just go up and down the street diving through plate glass windows.
Servo: Oh, I know! I'd go into the Taj Mahal in my minibike and just spin donuts!
Crow: And then bust out the windows with a wrist track using diamonds for ammo! Woo!
Joel: You know what, guys, there's one thing you gotta remember in the event of apocalypse. You got to bring an extra pair of prescription glasses.
Crow: What do you mean? Why's that?
Servo: So you don't end up like Burgess Meredith in the Twilight Zone!
Joel: Right, yeah.
Crow: Oh! Yeah, right... right.
Joel: 'Cause that could happen.
Joel: You just want to be prepared.
Servo: Burgess Meredith was in that episode of the Twilight Zone where the apocalypse and the librarian...
Crow: He had those shoes, 'cause that's what you need.
Servo: Shoes were a different...
Crow: Oh, he had a third eye.
Servo: No, no. That's a different one, too. No, no.
Crow: Man, that was awful.
Servo: Boy, I know. You know what I hated most about Warrior of the Lost World?
Servo: Everything! Everything about this movie stunk.
Joel: You are wrong, Persis Khambatta breath. Don't you remember the one thing in this movie we really liked? Megaweapon!
Crow and Servo: Oh yeah!
Servo: Wow, he's the greatest!
Crow: I love Megaweapon!
Servo: Absolutely. He's boss!
Crow: Megaweapon was definitely the best character in this movie. He had to carry the whole cast, ya know. And all that liver-faced Paper Chase Guy repayed him by... killing him!
Joel: Oh, now listen. The Paper Chase Guy didn't really kill him. Megaweapon has the power of repairing himself. It's part of the magic that is Megaweapon.
Crow: Oh, yeah.
Servo: You know, I think if I met Megaweapon, he'd really like me. We'd hang out, go to the mall, have a really good time!
Crow: Yeah, Megaweapon and I would really hit it off. No matter where life took us, we'd always keep in touch. I think I'll name my first child Megaweapon!
Joel: You know what? I had a feeling you guys felt this way about Megaweapon, so I looked up his phone number and I gave him a call.
Servo: I don't believe it!
Crow: I could just die!
Joel: Oh, sure. Yeah.
Crow: I could die! I'm dying!
Joel: Megaweapon's staying with his sister's family down in Tampa... Turns out he's a real nice guy. And I got him on the line right there. We'll put him on speaker-phone!
Megaweapon: Yeah, that's right. Hello?
Joel: Hey, Megaweapon!
Megaweapon: Hello, Tom! Crow! Are you there?
Servo: Hi, Megaweapon! Gee, it's great to talk to you.
Crow: Yeah, we're really big fans of yours.
Megaweapon: Well thanks, guys. Say, I'm sorry you guys had to sit through Warrior of the Lost World. Whoo! After that stink-burger, not only couldn't I get arrested, I couldn't even get towed.
Crow: Say, Megaweapon... What was the name of the fellow who played the Warrior of the Lost World, anyway?
Megaweapon: Oh. Boy, I don't know. You know, we always just used to refer to him as that Paper Chase Guy.
Servo: Boy, you are so cool. Geez, there are so many questions I want to ask, it's hard to think of one. Oh, have you ever worked with Killdozer?
Megaweapon: Oh, don't ever mention his name. Tell you guys, he is one tempramental piece of machinery. I remember one day Clint Walker refused to run lines with him and he drove off the set in a huff.
Joel: Wow, you know Megaweapon we've got this letter to read, so it's time to say goodbye. It's been real nice talking to you.
Megaweapon: Yeah, yeah. Same to you. Listen, say, if you ever get down to Earth, give me a ring. Don't hesitate. I'll be staying here for awhile with my sister; I've got to look after the kids. I'm gonna hang with this dude in Indianapolis for about a month, and uh... You know, you can look me up there. Anyway, I don't wanna waste your time. Stay loose! Bye for now!
Joel: Yeah bye, Megaweapon!
Servo: Bye Megaweapon!
Joel: Thanks a lot!
Servo: Boy, what a class act, huh?
Crow: He's a survivor.
Joel: Yeah, no kidding. Well, this next letter comes from Hillary Claire and Matthew Lane of Rochester, Minnesota. Let's put that up on still-store. And they write: "Dear Joel and the 'Bots, We are big fans and our family watches your show as often as we can. My Dad, however, is not quite as big a fan as we are. He claims to have paid 'good' money to have seen many of the movies you 'rip' on. So, my mom and I had the cake in the enclosed picture specially made by Hy Vee for my brother's 11th birthday last November. We thought you might like to see how it turned out. Keep up the good work and please let Tom sing more!" Okay. "Sincerely, Hillary Claire and Matthew Lane of Rochester, Minnesota." So, Tom, you wanna sing the address?
Servo: Well, I'll give it a try. MST 3000 Info Club! MST 3000 Info Club! P.O. Box 5325, and that's in Hopkins, in Minnesota. 5533444443... Ah! What do you think sirs?
Frank: Oh, I feel great. Thanks to Square Master, I've never been in better health.
Dr. F: Ready for tennis, Frank?
Frank: Sure, then after that, a light meal then dancing!
Dr. F: You see, we've discovered an active lifestyle thanks to Square Master. Race you to the courts, Frank!
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