||Bride of the Monster
||Manos: the Hands of Fate
||Warrior of the Lost World
Servo: Crow, look, here he comes: it's Joel!
Crow: Joel! Joel! Joel!
Joel: Hiya guys, how ya doin'?
Servo: Oh, you know, it's just like you to think of us instead of yourself.
Crow: That's what separates you from us measley 'Bots.
Joel: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson and these are...
Servo: Oh, you see, he introduced himself - what a perfectly thoughtful thing to do.
Joel: These are my robots, Tom Servo and Crow, and I've installed in them a protocol module that makes them believe everything I think, say, or do is utterly brilliant.
Crow: Oh, it is Joel! God, yes! Oh, Joel!
Servo: Roger Penrose on his best day isn't half as brilliant, or as charming as you, I might add.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 15 seconds. Of course, every blissful second with you is like and apple of gold, Joel.
Joel: You know, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this. I don't know what I think.
Servo: Oh Joel, I've wiped away every bit of hesitation I had about this project.
Crow: Not that we'd take issue with anything you'd think.
Crow and Servo: No no no no no no no no no!
Joel: It does make you easier to work with.
Crow and Servo: Yes, yes, yes, brilliant!
Joel: It leaves me feeling kinda hollow.
Servo: Wow, how insightful of you to find that in yourself.
Crow: You always cut right to the heart of things, Joel.
Joel: Yeah, I'm gonna remove those modules.
Servo: Just, just shut me down completely.
Crow: Jettison me into space, please.
Servo: Oh yes, disconnect with extreme prejudice!
Crow: You see this butt? Kick this butt.
Joel: We'll be right back.
Dr. F: Oh, Joel, a hearty hello to you and yours. Let me just say this about today's Invention Exchange: let htme eat...chocolate.
Joel: All right, there's the protocol module, right there.
Crow: Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me!
Servo: There, ah! Geez, Joel, some small animal crawl inside your jumpsuit and die?
Joel: There's the 'Bots I know and love. Uh-oh, fasten your seatbelts, Crate and Barrel are calling.
Frank: That's right... That's right, Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. F: That's right, Frank. That's why we've invented the Chocolate Bunny Guillotine. Eliminate the guesswork in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready, Mr. Excecutioner?
Frank: Yes, my liege.
Dr. F: You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Uh, off with her head, Frank. And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
Servo: What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow: Yeah, his only crime was being born delicious!
Joel: That's okay guys, there, there, it's all right. Let's show them our Invention Exchange, all right? Our Invention Exchange is called the Cartuner. Have you ever noticed that funnies just aren't funny anymore? The Cartuner takes dodgy, ambiguous cartoons like "Mark Trail" and mixes them with stifingly unfunny cartoons like "Blondie", puts them together and makes them funny. Check it out. Look at this, let's see what happened. Okay, here's Dagwood and he's eating a giant sandwich made up of twigs, grubs, and tufted tit mouse!
Crow: Hey, that's funny!
Servo: Now do "The Lockhorns" and "Cathy".
Joel: Lockhorns and Cathy, pu them in the Cartuner...
Servo: 'Round and 'round.
Joel: And comes out here.
Crow: Oh, let me see. Ha ha! Oh, Mrs. Lockhorn accidentally crashed her car into the store where Cathy was trying on a swimsuit!
Joel: Okay, okay.
Crow: Joel, let's try a panel of Bil Keane's heartwarming "Family Circus" with Gary Larson's off-center "The Far Side".
Joel: Okay, put 'em together, mix 'em up. Let's see, here it is.
Servo: Oh, lemme see there: a dotted trail showing where antamamorphic jackals chase little Billy!
Joel: It's a hoot! Whatta ya think, sirs?
Servo: Oh, my rib.
Dr. F: I don't think, I get even. Dig this, mes-a-me. Your "average" Joe has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average" person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you "Manos": the Hands of Fate , served with a short, the stirring conclusion to Hired! Hit the button, Frank. Frank!
Frank: Oh, Fluffy, here.
Dr. F: Push the button, Frank!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Ziggy had Garfield neutered! Now that's funny!
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Gypsy: My, my, my. What we have here? Ptoo! Lookey like we got us some Yankee troublemakers. I'm a-gonna have to bring you in.
Joel: Well, kids, it's time for us to go on our motor tour of the southwestern states, featuring many sites of historical interest.
Crow: Oh, this is really nice. Hey, look - there's a field! And another field!... And another field...
Servo: Oh, yes, it's very scenic. It's just like a scene from... Manos: the Hands of Fate!
Joel: Uh, Tom, you're breaking character.
Servo: I know, but you're using footage from the film; it makes me wanna blow my brains out.
Joel: That's nice, dear. Look, there are many other points of scenic enjoyment to be viewed with bemused interest. Why there's the Corn Palace over there and...
Crow: Oh my, its is The Man. I hope we don't get carted to the Big House.
Crow: Uh, aren't you gonna read us our rights?
Gypsy: He wants me to read him his rights. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Crow: Hey, listen man, we don't have to take any...
Servo: Crow, Crow!
Crow: Ah, geez, Cambot! You were supposed to stop the footage on the blue screen when Gypsy pulled us over! How are we supposed to do a sketch when we have to watch... Manos: the Hands of Fate!
Servo: Oh, we're never gonna make it. This is a bug hunt, man, a bug hunt!
Crow: Game over, man, game over!
Joel: Listen, you guys, c'mon, stay frosty. We survived Monster a Go-Go , we can survive this.
Gypsy: Well, my big scene... ruined! I've never seen such unprofessionalism.
Frank: Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
Dr. F: Frank, I'm out of the shower! I need you to towel me off!
Frank: Coming, sir! I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about Manos: the Hands of Fate .I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry. Now, now, that sketch you were doing, that was really funny. Now continue on with that. Go on, go on. Now, c'mon, Crow, Servo. I told you to keep playing, now c'mon, play!
Servo: Oh, Daddy!
Joel: Oh, look, haven't you done enough damage already? Unfortunately we'll be right back.
Crow: Oh,oh, yeah! Whew! I owe you one, buddy.
Joel: Pretty lame monster in this movie today, huh?
Crow: Yeah, wow. Typical... What monster?
Joel: You know, Torgo. Real lame monster?
Crow: Torgo's a monster? What do you think, Tom?
Servo: Well, I think that uh... sure, yeah. It seems to me that... yeah. Exaggerated physical attribute, in this case, the knees, used to induce terror. Yeah, I guess Torgo's a monster.
Crow: Now I really hate this movie! How long did that decision take the director, a tenth of a second? "Big knees! Good, let's go with it!"
Joel: Yeah, you're right. There's gotta be a ton of other exaggerated physical attributes that would be a whole lot scarier. Like, if I wanted to scare people, I'd have really huge forearms.
Servo: Well, you kinda do. What I'd do, get this, I'd have one big, drooping pinky, and I'd drag it behind me.
Crow: What if you had one butt cheek that was way bigger than the other one?
Servo: My head: a canker. A big, giant canker! Nothing but.
Joel: I'd have one really big flared nostril. And inside would be lots of red, matted hair. Ah!
Crow: I'd have an ear that would cover me like a shrowd. And a thumb the size of a bowling pin...but not on my hand.
Servo: Nipples. Many sizes, many shapes. Some on my back!
Crow: A tounge the size of a sleeping bag. And my fingers... would fold the other way! Think about it.
Joel: On my face, everything normal except: no nose!
Joel: Nope, not even holes. Think how disturbing that would be!
Servo: My intestines on top of my head!
Crow: I'd remove my skin, re-stitch it, and wear it as a cardigan.
Servo: I would have a dewlap!
Crow: Monsters. I just don't see how you can call Torgo a monster.
Joel: But he is! He is a monster.
Crow: No he isn't.
Joel: He's a monster.
Crow: Cut it out!
Joel: Oh no, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: C'mon, Joel, the clothing's grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Servo: Oh, I don't like that neckline at all. Say, this is cute!
Joel: Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!
Servo: Oh, hi Joel.
Joel: Well, come on, Tom, I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!
Servo: Well, you look like Maude.
Joel: C'mon, I did this clothing to induce power and manliness. And look, I've got a horrifying hellbeast right here. Pretty scary.
Servo: You just look like a Maude, with a hellbeast.
Crow: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel: But Tom look!
Joel: Oh, c'mon, look: it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little one for my Mentos; it's even got a cotton panel...
Crow: Uh, Joel, uh Tom's right. It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel: What do you mean?
Crow: Well, for one thing, your face is too friendly. Second, your eyebrows - they arch softly instead of jutting inward. And, well, frankly Joel, you blush in the most adorable way.
Joel: This is really embarrassing. Oh great, the Mads are calling.
Dr. F: Uh, hi fellas. Look, I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya.
Frank: Doctor, the caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?
Dr. F: Uh, fine, sure. Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him. So let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.
Servo: Crow, I still don't see how dressing in diaphanous robes and slapping each other around is going to make Joel happy!
Crow: Well don't hurt yourself thinking about it! Now shut up and wrestle, spinach chin!
Joel: Hey, what in the sam scratch is going on around here?
Crow: Well, we're just playing the Satan lady wrestling game; thought we'd cheer you up.
Joel: Guys, Gypsy, I don't think this is a good idea for you.
Servo: Why? We're wearing ear protection.
Joel: I'll explain to you later. What do you think, sirs? Gypsy!
Frank: Oh, that's great, Joel. Very amusing. Oh, by the way, did you see "Andy Capp" today? Very funny. He came home after being drunk all night, cheating on Flo...
Dr. F: Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.
Frank: Well, I called Togo's Pizza; they were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.
Dr. F: Come in!
Torgo: LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?
Frank: That's us.
Torgo: ThaT's $14.50, pLeaSe.
Dr. F: Here!
Torgo: Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.
Dr. F: That's all I have.
Frank: I have a twenty.
Dr. F: Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?
Frank: I was saving it, you know...
Dr. F: Would you please give him the twenty?
Torgo: ThAnK YoU... I'lL GeT YoUr ChAnGe.
Dr. F: Oh, keep it!
Torgo: ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR... LeT Me JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD...
Dr. F and Frank: NO! No, no, no, that's okay! That's quite all right.
Frank: Hey, what about our pop?
Torgo: I... LeFt It In ThE CaR... I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.
Dr. F and Frank: Oh!
Dr. F: Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.
Torgo: ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.
Back to Experiments.
Back to MSTies Anonymous.