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417 Crash of the Moons 11/28/92
418 Attack of the the Eye Creatures 12/05/92
419 Rebel Set 12/12/92



418 Attack of the the Eye Creatures A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by BadAmish@aol.com
Prologue
Invention
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
418.wav "'Attack of the the Eye Creatures'? Did Mel Tillis write this title?" -Joel 108k



Prologue


Crow: Hi, friend.
Servo: Hi, buddy.
Crow: You're my best friend.
Servo: And you're my bestest friend.
Joel: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm just observing my robots, Tom Servo and Crow, as they go through their best friends stage. Watch with me.
Crow: What do you want to do, friend?
Servo: Oh I don't know pal, what do you want to do?
Crow: Whatever you want to do, compadre.
Servo: Hahahaha.
Crow: We're... friends.
Servo: We certainly are... the best of friends.
Crow: Why, friends for life. I'd take a bullet for you.
Servo: Oh and I'd do your jail time.
Crow: Really?
Servo: Say, you want to hit each other real hard and rub our bruises together?
Crow: No, friend.
Servo: Oh. Uh, you wanna shock frogs with a battery charger?
Crow: No, friend.
Servo: Oh. You know, I'm really not that fond of you.
Crow: Nor I you. You smell bad!
Servo: And you're dumb!
Crow: Yeah, well you're a jerk! Hey!
Servo: I've got your arm.
Crow: I've got your nose.
Joel: Well, I guess they grew out of that stage pretty fast. We'll be right back. Ow!
Crow: Hey.


Invention


Servo: Hey, do you like that Crow kid? I mean like I used to like him and stuff, but then some other friends of mine are going, they're going, "Man is that Crow kid ever a lame-o and a jerk." And I'm going, "Man is that ever true." Hehe.
Joel: Come on Tom, you can't mean that.
Servo: Joel, he's a dumb smelly dickweed and stuff. Haha, woo.
Crow: Hi. What you guys talking about?
Servo: Ha. You.
Crow: Oh. Nothing nice I presume.
Joel: Uh, never mind. Uh, Rob and Laura are calling.
Crow: Hey, you done with my arm yet?
Dr. F: Well Joel, as you know many prominent American woodworkers have, well...
Frank: Died.
Dr. F: Yes. They're dead. Uh, not meant as a criticism, but, it's true.
Frank: Which is the basis of our Invention Exchange this week, it's the Router Ouija Board. Sure, any ordinary Ouija board can contact spirits from beyond the grave.
Dr. F: But with the Router Ouija Board, when you're in contact with the spirit of a dead woodworker...
Frank: Lost in the horry underworld. Ooh.
Dr. F: You get woodworking done with the pride and craft unknown in the world of the living. Now Joel, prepare yourself for we are in contact with someone or something known as Ethan Allen. Oh Ethan Allen, most powerful and revered woodworker...
Dr. F and Frank: Give us a sign.
Crow: Wow I, I hope they conjure up Homer Formby next.
Joel: Homer Formby's not dead.
Crow: He isn't?
Joel: No.
Crow: Then what the heck am I thinking of?
Dr. F: Next week, we will demonstrate the Lathe of Heaven. Why don't you go ahead with your Invention Exchange, Joel.
Joel: Sure, remember this old gag? Thanks for holding, Crow.
Crow: Oh hi, Joel. Hey how's Hobby. Hey put Dori on would you... Aah! Oh, oh.
Servo: Yes the squirting phone, a classic on the level of the spitting clam.
Crow: Ah, hehehehe.
Joel: Now it's been updated and digitized for the nineties. Say hello to the Funny Gag Fax.
Servo: You just feed the paper in like any fax machine, add a little water, and fire away at some unsuspecting rube a hundred miles away.
Joel: You set up down there, sirs?
Dr. F: Ah Frank, there's a fax coming through. Now you see, I told you this would start paying for itself as soon as we plug it in. Let's see what we've got here. Oh. D'oh, it's for you.
Frank: Oh, thank you. Hmm... Hmm... Interesting, interesting. Here, check this out.
Dr. F: Really. What is it? Oh! Just for that, Joel, I'm going to send you "Attack of the Eye Creatures"! Which I was going to do anyway. Push the Button, Frank!
Frank: Oh that's okay, you'll get 'em next time. You'll be okay.
Dr. F: Oh would you put that thing down! Aah!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Oh! We got Movie Sign!


Segment 2


Crow: Oh, Tommy. That is one sweet ride!
Servo: Well, hop in!
Crow: Oh uh, no thanks. Your driving makes me scared.
Servo: Oh, we won't drive anywhere. I thought we could be like the teeners in the movie, you know... Sit and talk for awhile and then... maybe, uh... make out.
Crow: Oh okay, that sounds like fun... what!
Servo: Make out, you know, smooch! Like in the movie... Okay, let's figure this out... first you scooch over close to me...
Crow: Yeah?
Servo: Then, tilt your head back...
Crow: Okay.
Servo: And then, moan...
Crow: Oh my God!!! No!!! Aah!!!
Servo: Huh. Wonder what's eating him?
Gypsy: Hi, Tom!
Servo: Hi.
Gypsy: Hey... sweet ride!
Servo: Thanks... Hey! You want to make out?
Gypsy: Haha. I, uh... ha! Hahahaha.
Servo: Please? As a friend? I've never been kissed before except on my arm! And I've never tasted lips up...
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in two minutes.
Servo: Say... Magic Voice!
Magic Voice: No, Tom, I won't... Well, actually, I can't. I have no physical form.
Servo: But you do know about it.
Magic Voice: Making out? Sure, it's nothing new...
Servo: Well, I guess I've heard about it before, too. It just never struck me like it did today. It seemed brand new and well I have so many questions... like... why? Why does one make out? And once you've started, how do you know you're done? And now, I consider it a greeting, like a firm handshake... only with the lips, am I right? Oh yeah, is it necessary to use the lips? I mean could I kiss with my forehead or my elbow? And are your teeth involved? And where in the heck do you store your tongue? Another thing: do you suck or blow? Is it under some sort of strict rabbinical supervision or something? And here's a puzzler: who kisses whom and when? I mean, being a robot can I kiss animals? Or am I confined to a single species? Oh yeah, I can't pucker, is that a handicap? Oh... how can a man in a single lifetime know everything there is to know about making out?
Joel: You know something, mister? You ask too many questions! You know? I've always wanted to do that!
Servo: Hmm...


Segment 3


Joel: There was Forbidden Planet.
Crow: Then there was Police Woman.
Servo: And of course who can ever forget... uh, some of the other movies he did.
Joel: Right. These are just a few of the many reasons to celebrate Earl Holliman.
Crow: Earl Hollimania.
Servo: Yes, Earl Hollimania. As Earl Holliman prepares to take the most demanding role of his career, co starring with Delta Burke in a new situation comedy Delta, well what better time to salute Earl Holliman.
Joel: Earl Holliman.
Servo: Earl Holliman. Considered by many to be the poor man's Martin Milner.
Crow: Yes, beloved Earl Holliman. Earl Holliman! Whose promising film career, really didn't work out that good.
Joel: Earl Holliman! Earl Holliman. Who embraced the role of Sgt. Bill Crowley and flourished on the television drama Police Woman... Earl Holliman.
Servo: Earl Holliman! Whose immortal words: "Pepper you're going undercover," became the anthem of a disenfranchised generation who until that moment had nothing to believe in but their own unbeing.
Crow: Earl Holliman! Who may very well have...
Servo: In all likelihood...
Joel: All evidence points to him having been...
Crow: Was probably a guest star in Lancer at one time.
Joel: And indisputably one of the major forces in seventies television was uh, Aaron Spelling.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Earl Holliman!
Servo: Who seems like he should have had a part in The Big Valley but who will always be remember for Police Woman.
Crow: Because who can forget Earl Holliman's groundbreaking role in Police Woman.
Servo: Earl Holliman! Whose legacy of averageness infused many a movie; why even "Attack of the Eye Creatures", where a certain character when filmed at just the right angles vaguely resembles uh, Earl Holliman.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Earl Holliman!
Joel: Earl Holliman! Whose endearing friendship with Monte Markem is chronicled in the bestseller Soul Mates published pre-posthumously.
Crow: To review, Earl Holliman will forever be remembered for his timeless work in Police Woman.
Servo: Earl Holliman! Who was undeniably, unquestionably, in Police Woman and you can't take that away from him, doggonnit.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Earl Holliman!
Joel: Who would have been William Shatner had there not already been one.
Servo: Watch for Earl Hollimania coming to your town soon.
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Sign!


Segment 4


Magic Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, the Satellite of Love in association with George Shaw Productions presents the world premiere of their new line of "Attack of the Eye Creatures" gags. See Rip Taylor 3-0.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Woah!
Joel: Thanks for having us on. Oh, what a movie. Not! Like they say on Wayne's World. Oh! Oh! In the words of the immortal eye creatures an eye for an eye for an eye for an eye, 'cause you see they've got so many eyes! Let's get going!
Crow: Say I wonder who their favorite president is. I'm guessing Eisenhower 'cause it begins with eye!
Joel: Oh, let's cut with the patter and get out the immaterial!
Servo: I thought we were doing the eye material! Haha! 'Cause you see the guys. Kiss me!
Joel: Sister, don't cross me! It's the eye creatures Visine bottle because you see they've got so many eyes! Oh, you wouldn't understand.
Crow: The eye creatures contact lens case... contact lens 'cause they've got lots of... It's funny!
Servo: We've got the mascara bottle. Come on, it's funny. Come on, laugh!
Joel: The eye creatures glasses because you see they've got so many eyes and they're large bulbs!
Crow: The eye creatures sun visor! The sun visor, haha, holy mackerel they've got lots of eyes.
Servo: Eye chart, eye chart! Oh, shut up!
Joel: No tongues, no! You want to get the eye creature mad, do this see, 'cause they've got so many eyes! It's all part of the fun!
Crow: Oh, why don't you get a day job! The eye creatures icon collection bucket; the mucus drool bucket 'cause they've got lots of eyes with buckets of drool in it. It's funny!
Servo: How about this handkerchief. It doesn't have anything to do with eye creatures.
Joel: We'll be appearing at the Tropicana! Goodnight!


Segment 5


Joel: Ladies and gentlemen, mad scientists, and others. We are about to show, through witnesses, deposition, and a series of still frames, that the producers of this film, "Attack of the Eye Creatures", just did not care. Exhibit one please, Cambot.
Servo: Cambot, cue it up. Thank you. Yes, the night light-intolerant eye creatures spearheaded their bone-chilling assault on Earth was actually quite a lovely day! In fact, you couldn't have picked a nicer day to film a night sequence! Just after midnight, or high noon? You decide. You see, they just didn't care.
Crow: Cambot... next please. The eye creatures-scabby, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures, having no spoken language, and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs! This frame is a clear indication that they just didn't care.
Joel: Cambot... thank you. Some eye creatures are born with scaly, protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protruding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight, acrylic, wool blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. Folks, they just didn't care.
Servo: Next, please. Thank you. Take a look at this guy. Go ahead, take a good, long look. You see, they just didn't care.
Crow: Cambot.... thank you. If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders, and should be no trouble to knock off! Failing that, eye creatures tend to be most vulnerable in their union suit area, as illustrated here. Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature. As you can see, he's wearing his Jack Prusell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!
Joel: The lubricous serial killer in the multi-color sheath dress!
Servo: The Allan Sherman-wannabe in the leopard-skin robe.
Crow: The unexplained shot of Gertrude Stein. Examples all that...
Joel, Crow and Servo: They just didn't care!
Joel: We rest our case. Whaddaya think, sirs?
Dr. F: They did too care. In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?
Frank: Yeah. Hey, Larry, come here. Come here, Larry. Tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream, your vision, and through blood, sweat and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into... a reality, through year... well-days, of hard work, determination, struggle, you took that cherished dream that you had, and you... you don't really care, do you?
Dr. F: Push the Button, Frank.



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