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415 Beatniks 11/26/92
416 Fire Maidens of Outer Space 11/26/92
417 Crash of the Moons 11/28/92



Show 416, Reel 1 416 Fire Maidens of Outer Space A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by DeRaptor@yahoo.com
Prologue
Invention
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
416.wav "On the left, on the left... Dickweed!" -Crow 79k



Prologue


Joel: If your back is slouchy, then your face'll look grouchy. But if we stand straight an' tall... Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite o' Love. I'm Joel Robinson, I was just teachin' the 'bots here 'bout proper posture. Y'know what a stickler I am. Stick around, we're just about to crown the king and queen of posture.
Servo: Uh, yeah, Joel, about this whole king and queen thing, couldn't there be like a baron and duke of posture instead, or if ya like, a dolfin of posture?
Crow: I was thinkin' maybe I could just marry into posture.
Joel: Right, right, well quit clowning, okay. Y'know, Tom Servo, your posture is exemplary.
Servo: Thank you.
Joel: Did anybody ever tell you you kinda look like a gumball machine from the side?
Servo: Huh, is that so? I hadn't realized.
Crow: Okay, check me! Check me!
Joel: Uh, Crow, we checked ya already, C'mon you guys, let's get outta here, it's time for the big coronation.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in five, four, three...
Crow: Ah, forget the crowns...
Magic Voice: Who are you?! What are you doing here?! Keep away! Cambot, look out!


Invention


Joel: Hey, anybody know what happened to Cambot?
Servo: Not me!
Crow: Not me!
Joel: Yeah right, well quit riffing on Family Circus you two. Alright, hey, who's this over here?
Crow: Oh, um, I prayed for a friend, and he came, his name is Timmy!
Joel: Well I thought you wanted a bike...
Servo: Uh, Crow, allow me to play Devil's advocate here. Isn't that rather preternatural?
Joel: Listen, we'll deal with this later. Diffen and Tailbrooke are calling.
Dr. F: Hello, gang of four. We wrecked Frank's brain for this week's Invention Exchange, but nothing doing. Then I realized it was right under our noses! Franky-poo... Frank!
Frank: Aaah! Well...let's say the Kiwanis wanna present a check to the local cheerleaders for their brand new uniforms. Do they wanna end up on the front page of the Pope County Trumpeter with this puny check?
Dr. F: No... you'll need the big check, from the big checkbook! That's right, daddy's got the checkbook for Wimbledon, Publisher's Clearing House, Shriner's Hospital, PGA Tours, they all have to come to me. 'Cause Forrester cuts the checks! Daddy Warbucks Forrester holds all the cards...
Frank: Uh, Doctor, Doctor I have this, Volvo called, I guess Courier won the tournament an' they need a check for $400,000...
Dr. F: Well don't just stand there Frank, cut them a check!
Frank: Okay, sure... Lessee... Volvo... V... O... Vol... D'uh... What's the date?
Dr. F: Frank, there's a couple of checks missing here...
Frank: I guess I wrote a couple...
Dr. F: To whom, Frank, to whom?
Frank: Oh, uh...
Dr. F: Think... think...
Frank: Oh! Oh... no... no...
Dr. F: Frank, you've gotta remember to register the checks!
Frank: Jerry's Kids! That's it, Jerry's Kids... Does 1.5 mill make any se...
Dr. F: Why don't you go on with your Invention Exchange, Mr. Roper?
Joel: Today's Invention Exchange is a new kinda sneaker technology. You got yer air sneakers, an' you got your gel sneakers, but what good are either of 'em if you can't eat 'em!
Crow: The centerpiece of this high-tech crosstraining shoe is a shock-resistant chamber of deliciously-spreadable portwine cheese, which provides cushioning to the heel, and gentle arch support at three crucial impact points.
Servo: And oh, it's great on crackers! Say you just finished a grueling 10K. You park your hinder at the juice bar, and whattathey serve ya? A piece of rye crisp! May we suggest you top it with rich, creamery cheese?
Joel: Right. The Nike Air-chelada. Just eat it.
Crow: Is that cheese, or is that the shoe?
Joel: Whaddya think, sirs? Ah...
Dr. F: Think, Frank, think!
Frank: I don't know...
Dr. F: You know what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison! One of us is goin' to prison and it ain't gonna be me! Your experiment this week, Joel, is a Cy Roth classic called "Fire Maidens of Outer Space". Frank, didja buy any little donuts y'like, didja rent any movies? Didja get any Time-Life books? Think, man, think!
Joel: No way, Crow, Timmy can't come into the theater with us.
Crow: I'm sorry...
Joel: Oh no, we got Movie Sign!


Segment 2


Servo: Say Joel...
Joel: Mmm-hmm?
Servo: Remember those two oily guys leering at the secretary, I got a question about 'em.
Joel: Oh, you mean the astronomers...
Servo: Well, yeah. As disgusting pigs they just weren't that convincing. Believe you me Joel, I completely understand being mesmerized by the explicit nature of my unspeakable fantasies...
Joel: Mmm-hmm, go on.
Servo: But, couldn't they come up with anything more suggestive than, "I wonder if the beings on Jupiter's satellite look anything her"?
Joel: Oh, I know what your problem is, you're talking about a double entendré and if you wanna sound all sexy and suggestive it's not really what you say, but how you say it!
Crow: Uh, Joel. Uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel: Well, why?
Crow: Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon an' lard sammwiches before he dies.
Servo: What?!
Joel: Tom, take it easy. Timmy's a guest; he doesn't know any better. Y'know, Crow, your friend's kinda quiet. Does he talk?
Crow: Oh, he talks. Um, only I can understand him. He wants to talk through me.
Joel: Oh, I see. Well anyway, with double entendré you can say just about anything, Tom. Like "Say, does this TV have a remote? Mmm..."
Servo: Oh, I see! How 'bout, "Say, check out the arms on this jumpsuit!"
Joel: Oh, right on!
Servo: Woo-hoo!
Joel: As far as I know, Lincoln's not president anymore!
Servo: She came back from the store with a bag a apples, and a loaf a bread!
Crow: I got one! If the van's a rockin', don't come kno...
Joel: Uh, Crow... Crow, that's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about...
Crow: Oh... oh... Here's one! Grind 'er in th...
Joel: Crow... no.
Crow: Oh... Well, I'm not sayin' it, it's Timmy who's thinkin' it...
Joel: Well listen, I think you two better learn how to play with each other, all right?
Servo: Say, Joel, we got Commercial Sign!
Joel: An' now a word from our sponsor, poom!
Crow: She's built like a bri...
Joel: Crow!
Crow: Showboat... showboat...


Segment 3


Servo: Hey, whatcha up to here, Chucky?
Joel: Well ah, y'know, I was just thinkin' about Gypsy an' how much work she does around the ship an' how... Hey ow, Crow! Would you cut it out!
Crow: I didn't... do anything...
Joel: Oh yeah, right. Anyway, I was noticing in today's experiment how they had two levers that controlled everything. Ow! Right in my scar! Would you stop that?!
Crow: Joel, I'm not doin' anything! It was Timmy!
Servo: Yeah, sure, blame yer new friend. Huh-huh-huh...
Crow: But it's true, he pushed me! He's mean!
Joel: Monkeyshines and lying, Crow? I think I know someone who needs a time out.
Crow: It's not fair! Wuh-huh-huh-huh, no...
Joel: Yeah, right, well listen, you just have five minutes and you know where to go, alright, so get going.
Crow: It's not fair, it's not fair!
Joel: Yeah, get going.
Crow: I suppose you like him better! I hate you! Wah-huh-huh-huh...
Joel: Hey, c'mere little friend. Snuggle in close, get comfortable, that's right. So I'll finish what I was explaining, before I was interrupted!
Joel: This thing is called the Twin Screw Universal Controller and it's used to control everything.
Servo: Well gee, everything's a lot a stuff, Joel.
Joel: Yeah, I'll say it is. Check it out, it controls the ship's yaw... the pitch... It controls the ship's environment... It controls the temperature... It controls the lights... It controls the doors... It even controls the Hexfield Viewscreen.
Servo: How 'bout that? Pretty impressive, Joel.
Joel: Thanks, don't even get me started on it. It controls people's opinions, emotions, attitudes... Here, I'll give ya a example. Let's see... Ah, could ya give me a thing or a person that you really, really dislike?
Servo: Oh, easy. Steve Guttenberg.
Joel: Okay, Steve Guttenberg. Hey, Tom, whaddaya think about Steve Guttenberg?
Servo: I think "Three Men and a Little Lady" was a terrific movie! Steve Guttenberg is a patriot, a hero and one of the finest men I have ever known.
Joel: See, check it out, it's great! It controls the time, it controls... It can make supper in a jiffy, it lifts, it separates, it can turn ya into a 9-year-old Hindu boy, it takes a rat and turns it into a delicious... Timmy, no!
Servo: Joel?
Joel: No, no, Timmy. Here, let me... No, no, Honey, you see what happens when you touch things? Let me do i... Honey!
Servo: Joel!
Joel: I'm trying, Servo...
Servo: Now cut that out!
Joel: Timmy, I told you not to touch anything, all right! Gee you're a strange little man, where did you come from anyhoo?
Servo: Uh, Joel, if you don't mind, I'm cooking here! I'm beginning to smell delicious...
Joel: Alright, Tom, just quit goofing around, okay... Now, Timmy, I want you to go back to Crow's cubicle until you feel better, alright. Hey Crow, would you come in here, it's almost Movie Sign, alright?
Crow: Whoopee! Haha! Hey guys... Ah... anything wrong?
Joel, Crow and Servo: Aah! We got Movie Sign! Haha!


Segment 4


Servo: Kill me... kill me... Ah, say, Crow! Could you please kill me?
Crow: I'm the teensiest bit busy, Tom! I'm getting to it!
Servo: Oh, okay. Hey, I'm not tryin' to tell you how to do your job, but make sure you hit the right one! Heehee!
Crow: Stop! It's biting! C'mon, Mandrake, the redcoats are coming!
Joel: Let go of him, you bitch! Ah, aah, aah! Stay close, Newt!
Servo: Did I mention I want you to kill me?
Joel: Oh, Tom, would you shut up? With you it's always one thing or another. Ahh, ahh... Okay, Crow, now listen, I'm gonna try to blow the hatch, okay? On three, all right? Aah, ahh... Alright, one... two...
Servo: Alright, don't kill me! Sher could go for a sammich though.
Joel: Oh, shut up, Tom! Three! Aah!
Magic Voice: Warning... warning... warning...
Joel: Quick! Give me Rocket Number Nine!
Magic Voice: Warning...
Joel: Crow, listen, I don't want you to ever, I mean never let a dark specter onto the ship again...
Crow: Sorry.
Joel: I don't even care if he's shaped like me! What were you thinking?
Crow: Ow! Don't hit or yell...
Joel: Oh... I'm sorry, I can't stay mad at you. Hey look, you know what that means.
Crow: Commercial Sign!
Joel: Commercial Sign... Feel like a Commercial Sign, huh?
Servo: Hey, if you two are done over there, I'd really appreciate it if you could kill me now.
Joel: Oh, we're gonna kill ya all right, yeah, come on...


Segment 5


Joel: Oh, no, no. Take it easy you guys, you just gotta say to yourself, "It's only a movie, it's only a movie..."
Servo: If I could just make sense of it in my own mind, I could...
Joel: Oh c'mon, Tom, just let it out. Talk about it, you'll feel better. Go ahead.
Servo: Okay, let... let's see here. Secretary took long walk down stairs, officer and mannish woman sit down for a while. Astronauts sit around for a while. Cut back to officers and mannish women, they sit around for a while! Cut back to astronauts, they sit around for a while! Cut back to officers and mannish women, they're still sitting around! Cut back to astronauts, they're still sitting around!
Joel: Oh that's okay, Tom. Take it easy. At least you tried to talk about it. C'mon, Crow, I'm sure you can make sense outta this movie!
Crow: I'll try, Joel. Let's see. Uh, astronauts land on planet, and run. They keep on running. and running. And running, and running! And then three of the astronauts go back to the ship. An'... an' sit around for a while. Cut back to officers and mannish women sitting around. Cut back to astronauts. They're still sitting around!
Joel: Right, right, that's okay. Okay, my little 'Botsies have been through so much today, what with Crow accepting that dark specter into his heart, and then forcing the rest of us to go through all the...
Crow: Okay, I got it!
Joel: All right. Well, y'know what? Listen, I got an idea. I got a really cute letter here that we can read. An' then ah, it'll cheer us all up. So let's put that on still store, Cambot, and put the other side on still store, good. Okay, this one says, "Dear MST3000, my name is Ashley Holtgraver, and I love your show. And in the last few days I've been noticing how much little sister and Crooooow look alike. Here is a picture. Even though Crooooow is better-looking they sound the same. My brother is slowly turning into Tom Servo. Here is another picture. I want to know if you are cloning."
Servo: Oh, hoho! That's cute!
Crow: Yes, that's really nice, Ashley! Thanks a lot. I... I feel better!
Joel: Yeah, see? We made it through, Mads. Yeah, throw us your worst, well we can handle it. "Mighty Jack", "Castle of Fu Manchu"...
Crow: Piece a cake!
Joel: ..."Fugitive Alien", "Hellcats"... Go ahead, do your worst. We can take it, huh? Yeah, even "Fire Maidens from Outer Space"...
Servo: Aah!!! Poison wine, what was the point of the poison wine?!
Crow: Cy Roth had to pad the film just so he could get to the parts that had more padding!
Joel: Listen, Sirs, I hope you're proud.
Dr. F: Proud doesn't begin to cover it, Boobie. As a matter of fact, Frank and I were ju...
Frank: Doctor, look who I found by the front door in a basket, oh, isn't he precious...
Dr. F: Yes, that's very nice, Frank...
Frank: Oh, oh...
Dr. F: As I was saying, Joel, your reaction...
Frank: Aah! Aah! Aah!
Dr. F: Frank, no, my God!
Frank: Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Whoooo are yooooou?



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