Crow: Hey everybody! It's a bad day around here; it's Annual Wash 'N Wax Day, the most dreaded day of all! You can't near Joel or he'll scrub ya to a pink pulp!
Servo: Oh, yuck, Joel, pffft! There's soap all in my mouth and it tastes like it might be Camay!
Joel: Hey kiddo, that's good stuff, c'mon!
Gypsy: Yeah, it's got one-quarter cleansing cream!
Servo: Now that's dumb!
Joel: Oh hi, everybody, welcome to the SOL; it's really lucky you happened by! It's our Annual Wash 'N Wax Day, it's one of the funnest days of all!
Servo: No, no! Not more wax! Ooh...
Joel: Okay now, Tom, if you can hear me, you wanna close your mouth; the buffers are coming by!
Crow: Isn't it horrifying?
Joel: Okay, Tom; you're almost done! I need Crow T. Robot on deck! Crow T. Robot, where are you?
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in five seconds. Crow's hiding over by Cambot.
Crow: You'll never take me alive!
Servo: Glibby-glop-gloopy, skippy-abba-doobie, blub-blub-blub-blub-blub... haha! Boy, I feel great! That was just wonderful! Hey, who wants to go for a walk? Hehe! Red boys are delicious, delicious, candy-colored love!
Crow: Shut up! Shut up! Joel, make him stop!
Servo: I'm sorry, your what hurts?
Joel: Aw, c'mon Crow, take it easy! You made it through, you're gonna be okay. C'mon, I'll give you a Zagnut bar if you can simmer down.
Joel: How about a another Nutter Butter Peanut Butter Sandwich cookie?
Joel: Well, what do I have to do to make it all better?
Crow: I want you to beat up Tom!
Servo: Oh, hey, you got your hands full with that one, huh? Well, gotta go! Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair!
Joel: Tom, come back here, the Mads are calling.
Servo: Huh? What?
Dr. F: Sail on, Servo; I love a robot with panache.
Frank: Yeah right, whatever. Well Joel, everyone knows that design is the combination of two separate elements. That's why we've taken interior design and meshed it with household pests, and come up with something we like to call... decorator roaches!
Dr. F: Yes, roaches. Fashions come and go, but roaches are forever. Our Invention Exchange this week is: Swatch Roaches. Now, for you Southwest enthusiasts, we have this little number I like to call La Cucharacha. Hahaha, get it? Of course you do. And for the sports enthusiast in your life we have the 49ers Roach, complete with colors; and over here we have the Peter Max Roach.
Steve: Hey! I found a roach we haven't categorized yet. Purple and gold and it's... got a little skimpy mustache on it.
Dr. F: My god, you've found the Prince Roach! Frank, sign him up for Panty of the Month Club. Say, I didn't catch your name.
Steve: Uh, Steve? Steve Reeves?
Frank: Steve Reeves? Steve "Hercules" Reeves? Wow!
Dr. F: Frank... say, uh, you're not gonna believe this -- talk about serendipitous experiences -- we're showing one of your movies today.
Dr. F: Uh-huh!
Steve: Uh, that's great. Uh, I'm glad you're all happy about the Prince Roach; uh, look uh, I'm just gonna cut outta here; I'll bill you for all the work, alright?
Dr. F: Oh, no-no-no-no-no; oh Joel, why don't you go on with your Invention Exchange?
Joel: Gawl! Well, sirs, our Invention Exchange is the Steve-O-Meter.
Servo: No relation to Steve Reeves.
Joel: Right. Well, Steve Allen, as you know, is the author of over three hundred books and short stories...
Crow: Over four thousand pop songs!
Servo: The boardgame Blow Your Own Horn!
Joel: Yeah, there's so many things that Steve Allen has thought of; that's why we came up with the Steve-O-Meter!
Servo: There is the world that is known, there is the unknown, and there is what Steve knows.
Joel: Right, exactly. So, what you do is, if you've thought of a new idea, you run the Steve-O-Meter over it, and if it buzzes, well, Steve's already thought of it. What have you got for us here, Crow?
Crow: Uh, okay; it's uh, it's an extremely simple and economical desalinization process for seawater.
Servo: That's sounds new, huh?
Joel: Oh, okay; let's run the Steve-O-Meter over it...
Joel: Aww no, he's thought of it already!
Servo: Well how about this, Joel? A series of novels about me and Jane Meadows solving murders together!
Joel: Okay, let's run this ov... aww, I'm sorry.
Servo: D'oh! How does it do that?!
Joel: Well, here's my invention, my idea; it's the Steve-O-Meter. I'll just run the Steve-O-Meter over the Steve-O-Meter and... oh no! He's thought of that too! He's everywhere!
Joel, Crow and Servo: He's everywhere! He's everywhere!
Dr. F: That's so great, Steve; I really appreciate that. You are one cool breed of cat, let me tell you. Hey, Steve, check this out, huh?
Dr. F: Roach burial, uh?
Frank: Why you little...
Dr. F: Oof! Tell 'em about the movie..
Steve: Oh right uh, this is uh... the first or second?
Steve: This is the second uh, movie that I did, "Hercules Unchained"; it's a much younger Steve Reeves; uh, and let me tell ya, on this uh, set I toasted more than one brain cell, if you know what I'm saying. Uh...
Dr. F: Push the Button.
Frank: Alright, push the Button. Here you go.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Movie Sign? Steve Allen's thought of that too! Aah!
Crow: Ha ha. Tom, consider the grape.
Servo: Headin' out to Eden...
Crow and Servo: Yea, brother...
Servo: Oh, I will!
Crow: So delicate; so firm, hahahaha...
Joel: You guys, I don't see why I have to be the one to peel these grapes. You know, it's really kinda hard!
Servo: And he calls himself a hedonist!
Crow and Servo: Hahahaha!
Joel: Well, you know what? I think it's great that Gypsy built this set and made these costumes for us just so she could put on her show; you guys should do something like that.
Crow: You know, you're right? Starting right now, I'm gonna roll over and... eat more grapes!
Joel: Oh, here she comes; she's beautiful!
Crow: Hey, lookin' good, Gypsy!
Gypsy: Thank you. And now for a little song in G. Ahem. Last night...!
Servo: Oh, wow!
Joel: Her gown is like a beautiful breeze!
Gypsy: Last night...! Last night...!
Servo: Mmm-hmm. So uh, what's she supposed to be, Joel?
Gypsy: I'm the Helenistic ideal.
Gypsy: Oh, last night...!
Crow: Y'know folks, you just don't hear music like that anymore!
Gypsy: Last night...!
Joel: You know, folks, I have a feeling this is gonna on like this, so why don't you run on ahead to the commercial? We'll catch up.
Gypsy: Last night, I couldn't get to sleep at all!
Crow: Hey Joel, am I the only one who notices I'm not into grape?
Gypsy: Last night...!
Magic Voice: This is the Water of Forgetfulness. Those who drink of it will forget all.
Servo: Huh. Say, who manufactures the Water of Forgetfulness, anyway?
Joel: Well, it's says here on the bottle, "Mendota Springs, makers of the Water of Forgetfulness since..." Uh-oh, let me think. Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue. When was it?
Magic Voice: This is the Carrot Shake of Pretentiousness. Those who drink of it will join theater companies.
Servo: Yeah, you know I'm doing an anti-Columbus thing down at the Heart of the Meat Puppet Beast Theater? Yeah, it's a real opportunity for me to stretch.
Crow: Hey uh, Joel, that cup looks like it's from Dairy Queen; can I have some?
Magic Voice: This is the Blizzard of Loneliness. Those who drink of it will sit on the beach wearing long pants and black socks, and look for change in the sand with a metal detector.
Crow: I found a quarter!
Joel: Hey, who wants gum?
Crow and Servo: I do! I do!
Magic Voice: You are eating the Fruit-Striped Gum of Stability. Those who chew it will get a civil service job with group benefits.
Servo: Yep, thanks to the Fruit-Striped Gum of Stability, I got a good dental plan now! Huh! Ironic, huh?
Magic Voice: You are eating the Green Bean and French Onion Casserole of Happiness. Those who eat of it will find the serenity that only a hotdish can bring.
Joel: Oh, you know, I really really love this stuff; it's so nutritious and it's so good for you; and I love my location, it's so conveniently located,what with the dinner theater and the new high school; and oh, the Elks Lodge puts on a wonderful fish fry every weekend, and we're right next to the chain of lakes, and we've got Movie Sign, and they do the big chautauqua show every summer, and they've got Movie Sign...
Joel, Crow and Servo: Movie Sign?! Ohh!
Servo: Uh Joel, can we talk to you for a second there?
Joel: Sure, guys. What's up? How you doing?
Servo: Oh, fine. Well, Crow and I playing cartoon tag down in quadrant twelve, and uh, we got to talking about this movie, and we can't seem to figure out why the Herc is hanging around that weird lady's place.
Crow: Yeah! It's uh, no big deal, but we thought we'd pop in here and have you settle it for us.
Joel: I understand, it's no problem. Well, this far into the film we know that uh, Hercules has drank the Waters of Forgetfulness. Uh, he doesn't know who he is, so he's staying with the nice lady.
Crow: Oh, no duh! I know that! I guess what I'm asking is uh, what does he do there all day?
Joel: He eats.
Servo: Well, he can't eat all day; he's gotta be doing something else. Hmm?
Joel: He, he's visiting her. He visits.
Servo: He's not cavin' in.
Crow: Oh c'mon, Joel. Uh, you visit your with your aunt, and this woman is nobody's aunt. What are they doin' when they're, y'know, snuggling and kinda kissin' and stuff, and then they scene fades out?
Joel: Um, telling secrets. Secrets.
Servo: Okay. Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. So: Hercules, big, rugged, muscly Hercules, gets up at say oh, eleven-thirty, eats some breadfruit, some manna, has some spiced wine...
Crow: Mmm-hmm, don't forget the nymphs!
Servo: Right, right, brought in by one of the six or seven hundred scantily-clad nymphs, he has some spiced wine, takes a sauna, gets a massage; then the nice lady who's letting him stay there rent-free comes over with scented oils, says some gushy stuff to him, they cuddle and smooch, and they tell each other some secrets -- and then what?
Joel: He fixes her dishwasher, I don't know; you guys have seen as much of the movie as I have! Who's hungry?
Crow: Joel, you seem nervous. Uh, is there something you're not telling us?
Servo: Yep Joel, I think it's time to come clean on the whole "Hercules in Bondage" thing, here!
Joel: It's "Hercules Unchained", Tom, and I think you two 'Bots are old enough to know the truth about this: um, Hercules is the nice lady's live-in dentist.
Crow and Servo: Ah, I get it... hey!
Crow: Whatta rip-off!
Servo: That's no fair!
Joel: Well come on, you guys, eat your raisins. You go on ahead, I have to iron this out. They're nature's candy. Okay, catch it; c'mon you ready?
Crow: I think maybe it's a cultural thing. You know, uh, the postwar era.
Gypsy: Hey, Joelster: why these kind of movies?
Joel: Well, that's a good question, Gypsy. However, there aren't any simple answers.
Servo: Well, yes there are.
Joel: Right, that's exactly right, Crow. You know, western culture had a real need during the Cold War for fantastic spectacle.
Gypsy: Yeah, spectacle.
Joel: Yeah, it's true. After Liz Taylor accepted over a million dollars for her role in "Cleopatra", you know, big budget blockbusters became the coin of the realm!
Servo: No, wrong, guys. Wrong.
Crow: I was thinking more along the lines of European indignation towards postwar conservatism and sexual repression, which translated onto the screen into big sweaty guys pushing girls around.
Servo: Haha! Crow, you are so high!
Joel: No, c'mon, Crow's got a point. Without sex would "Hercules Unchained" have even been made?
Gypsy: Joseph Campbell!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Huh?
Gypsy: Joseph Campbell?
Joel: Oh, what... I think what our bright young friend is trying to remind us of is the need for myth; you know, the collective dream!
Crow: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's a need for gods and heroes! I remember that Joseph Campbell said something in uh, one of those books of his, umm uh, with masks and stuff in it? And that uh, this, thing you're supposed to do.
Servo: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Joel: Come on, I think we can probe deeper into the phenomala- phenooma-
Joel: Yeah uh, I think we could probe deeper into the phenomenological basis for a "Hercules" experience!
Crow: Uh, discarding the classical dualistic view of course, and...
Gypsy: How do you figure?
Crow: Ah, well, Gypsy, every phenomenon belongs to a regional ontology by virtue of it's essence, in...
Servo: Look, I'll make it easy for all of you! Joseph E. Levine picked these turkeys up after a sagging European box drove the price way down, then he dubbed them, brought 'em to America, did a massive distribution deal and made a fortune, okay?!
Joel: You're wrong.
Servo: Well, it's true! Am I right, sirs? C'mon, back me up on this!
Dr. F: Well uh, Steve, is that right?
Steve: Huh? Uh yeah, I guess so. I mean, there were these guys in suits that used to drive up the coast and check on us every now and then. I didn't really get to meet them much. I was usually up on the cliffs drinking that wine they got there; it's really cheap, it's about thirteen cents a bottle...
Dr. F: Thank you, Steve.
Steve: Yeah, no problem.
Dr. F: Well, until next time, Godankin. Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Say, I dig your hair, man.
Dr. F: Frank!
Frank: Can I have your autograph?
Dr. F: Frank!
Frank: Oh, okay. Are you any relation to Keanu Reeves?
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