||Attack of the Giant Leeches
Joel: Hey everybody, it's present time!
Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Wow! Presents! Woo-hoo! Presents! Woof woof woof!
Joel: Okay... alright, that's good. Hi, everybody! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, and I decided to give my 'Bots a little pick-me-up today!
Gypsy: What'd I get? What'd I get? What'd I get? Huh, huh, huh?
Crow: Naw, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; he forgot he had a robot named Gypsy! Hahahahaha!
Servo: Knock it off, you clown! You wanna ruin Present Time by bein' naughty?! Geez!
Joel: Yeah, Crow. Hey Gypsy girl, look what I got you...
Gypsy: Huh? Huh?
Joel: The Little Mermaid Ariel Bathtime Set!
Gypsy: Under the sea! Under the sea! Under the sea!
Joel: Yeah, good job, yeah...
Crow: Me next! Me next!
Servo: I'm next!
Crow and Servo: Me me me me me...
Joel: Cut it out, you guys. Just be cool.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in fifteen seconds. Do Servo's next.
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, me next! Hahaha!
Crow: Thanks, Magic Voice.
Joel: Alright, Servo, I got you this: Junior Dragster Indoor Funnycar, by Marx!
Joel: Yeah, it goes up to thirty miles an hour and if you run into a wall, it spins around and heads the other direction!
Servo: Wow, and it's got a tape deck!
Joel: Yeah, I didn't know what you liked, so I threw a few tapes in there.
Servo: Oh, I see Springsteen... These are great! Thanks, Joel!
Crow: Okay okay okay, what'dja get me, huh huh? C'mon c'mon, lemme have it! Hahahaha!
Joel: I saved the best for last, Crow. I decided to give you some... dress slacks from J.C. Penney!
Servo: Oh. Cool.
Crow: Oh. Huh.
Joel: Oh yeah, come on, you'll get a lot of use of them. You can use them for dressy or casual, and uh, well I'm gonna have to get you a nice top, too. Maybe a pullover or something.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign now.
Joel: You know, your birthday's coming up. Maybe I can get you some corrective shoes that match.
Crow: Thank you for the pants!
Dr. F: This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
Servo: Yeah! Boy, Crow, I sure wouldn't feel bad. Woah, wait a minute. Ease down, Thundercloud! There we go, hah! Sorry! You know I sure wouldn't feel bad if I were you, Crow. Wish I coulda gotten those pants. Yep, least you can get some use out of 'em. Y'know, school, job interviews, interventions... Yeah, you're one lucky dog, Crow! Haha! Well, gotta go, bye! Woo! Woo-hoo-hoo, woo-hoo...
Crow: Oh hey Joel, the uh, Mad Scientists are calling.
Joel: Oh, I'll get it.
Frank: Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. F: Yes, exactly. They will bow down be-
Frank: The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. F: Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
Frank: Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. F: Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel-
Joel: Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Servo: Yeah, what do you get out of it?
Frank: Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. F: No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?
Joel: Well sirs, my invention today is: Jim Henson's Edgar Winter Babies!
Frank: Well, I could see that. You know, I mean they're uh, little... dolls, and there's... no pigmentation, hehe...
Dr. F: Aww, why don't we just call this one a draw, Robinson. Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick, and I like Morgan Stewart's "Coming Home". It's called "Killer Shrews", and it stars James Best from Dukes of Hazzard fame, so Frank here is real excited.
Frank: Hey, it was my favorite show. What can I say? Oh by the way Joel uh, before the movie there's a short. It's sort of a weird cowboy thing with uh, horses and kids and... arrrgh!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Da-da-dut-dut-da-duh-duh-duh, da-da-dut-dada-dut! Ooh! We got Movie Sign!
Joel: Well howdy, folks. How ya doin'? Y'know, I've been listening to what the president's been doin' and it kinda seems to me like he's tryin' to crawl into the wrong end of the cracker barrel, hyuck!
Crow: Tom, I knew that short was gonna push some bad buttons for Joel and get him started doin' that Will Rogers thing he's been talkin' about.
Servo: And you were right, Crow! Oh by the way, I do love those pants! Hahaha!
Crow: I oughtta pants you!
Servo: Shush, here he comes!
Servo: Uh, bristle, I guess.
Joel: Yeah, I'm a lot like you folks. I'm simple, you know? An' I've been hearin' the president go and on and it kinda seems to me like the polecats got caught in the cow and it's time for the hound dog to skitter him out of there!
Crow: Moo! Hey, this is fun!
Servo: Hey, you're pretty good at it, too. Oh, I'm sorry. Bristle.
Joel: Hehe, yep. Y'know, it kinda reminds me of Aunt Martha's moustache, you know? Makes a fella hungry for some down home dogfish, don't it? Hehe!
Servo: What? Huh?
Joel: The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated!
Crow: That's not Will Rogers! Moo!
Joel: Yep, it's not over 'til it's over!
Crow: And that's Casey Stengel! What's he doin'?
Servo: I dunno! He's crazy there...
Joel: Yep, yep, yep. Oh well, everything I love is either illegal, immoral, or fattening... take a bite out of crime!
Servo: Wait a minute: Alexander Woolcott and McGruff?! He's all over the map!
Crow: I know!
Servo: Joel, you okay? C'mere, buddy!
Joel: Yep, we will bury you!
Crow: Krushchev?! Oh, Joel!
Joel: Yup, baseball been berry berry good to me!
Servo: This is sad!
Crow: Oh, now he's doin' Garrett Morris!
Servo: Really sad.
Crow: He's just toying with us. Let's get out of here!
Servo: I'm out. Yep.
Joel: Yep! Uh, anybody here seen my old friend John?
Crow: Agh! Agh! Joel, let me go! Agh! I wanna go iron my pants!
Joel: Yep, yep, yep, it's morning in America! Huh huh huh huh huh...
Crow: No, it is not!
Joel: Yep! One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...
Crow: Okay uh, consumer Joel uh, that's the enticing jingle. Uh, now play the super-fun board game!
Servo: One! Two! One two three four...
Crow and Servo: Killer Shrew! Killer Shrew! Don't know the difference 'tween me and you! He comes out at night to give you a fright. Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh. Killer Shrew! Killer Shrew! K-I-double L-E-R Shrew! He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. He's augmented with bathmats and stuff! Killer Shrew! Killer Shrew! He's coming to your town, to get you!
Servo: Killer Shrew, by Marx!
Joel: Alright! That was great!
Joel: Wait a minute, you guys came up with this all by yourselves?
Servo: El posivito, Señorito! C'mon, let's play! You can be the German guy. Now pick a card, right over there.
Joel: Alright okay, gotcha. It says... "contemplate shrews"?
Crow: Yeah. Okay, that means you don't move. Okay, now I pick one.
Joel: Okay Crow, I'll do that for you. Okay...
Crow: Okay, uh... "Have another martini."
Servo: Oh, good one! Yeah...
Crow: Uh, okey-doke, I'm, I'm the girl, so I'll just move one piece... wanna move it for...?
Crow: Okay. Ah, you see, it's glued down. And you can't move it. It's just like the movie! Nobody moves, hahaha! In fact nobody moves at all for over forty-five minutes! It, it's enough to numb your brain. They sit and talk, and nothin' happens and, and then... cripes, Frank Conniff has more action than this!
Servo: Crow. Crow?
Crow: You think something might happen and your spirit soars but, all that happens is the blonde girl changes, and she's not even that cute...
Crow: ...and the Cuban guy mumbles and...
Crow: ...suddenly the Captain, and everyone just drinks more and...
Servo: This is scary! This is scary!
Crow: ...and then they're only thinking of kissing, and they keep feeling and then I... can't... can't tell... what they're saying! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Joel: Oh-ho-ho-ho, that's okay, that's okay...
Servo: We're sorry, Joel! We just...
Joel: Joel's got you, it's alright, it's okay... no, you guys, you guys didn't have to do this for me. You're both such troopers. In the theater, quippin' like there's no tomoorrow, making kooky comments on contemporary morés... you know, making arcane references at the drop of a hat... I love you little guys!
Crow: Thanks, Joel. We love you, too.
Servo: It's just, you were so funny in the theater. We didn't know if you could tell this movie was a honk-shoe!
Joel: A honk-shoe? What's that?
Servo: Eh, you know: Honk-SHEW! Honk-SHEW! Honk-SHEW!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Aah! We got Movie Sign!
Servo: Okay! Listen up! Chocolate ice cream!
Servo: That ol' black magic got me...
Joel: Hey! Evenin', Mr. Servo. Evenin' Mr. T. Robot. What can I do for you tonight?
Servo: Joel, buddy, it's a quarter to three, no one in the place 'cept you and me... and... and Crow. Anyhoo, me an' my amigo Crow here are gonna show ya how to mix a real drink.
Crow: Eh, jump back Joel, 'cause this is not your average Pelican Calypso Flipper Hop Skip-N-Go Zombie!
Servo: But it is one potent potable and it is our very own Killer Shrew!
Joel: Okay, here I go: I'm at your service, what do you want?
Joel: Okay, chocolate ice cream...
Crow: Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries!
Joel: Okay, Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries...
Servo: Yeah yeah yeah! Peanut M & M's!
Joel: Peanut M & M's...
Crow: Mrs. Butterworth!
Joel: Alright, Mrs. But-
Servo: Circus Peanuts!
Joel: Alright, Circus Peanuts, got those...
Crow: Mr. Pibb!
Joel: Mr. Pibb; alright, I got Mr. Pibb over here...
Servo: Yeah! Now Marshmallow Peeps! Lotsa Marshmallow Peeps!
Joel: Okay, Marshmallow Peeps... isn't this gonna be kinda sweet?
Servo: Just make the drink, barkeep! Sweet Tarts!
Joel: Alright, Sweet Tarts, got 'em...
Crow: Vanilla frosting!
Joel: Vanilla frosting, got that over here...
Crow: Wax lips!
Servo: No no no, no wax lips! You're thinking of the Vulcan mindprobe.
Crow: Alright, eighty-six da wax lips!
Servo: Now music, maestro, please!
Joel: Alright, alright, ready. Here, 'kay...
Servo: So, you live around here much?
Crow: Hey, ja see that weather?
Servo: Great hotel here, huh? Been down to the pool?
Crow: Aren't people here phony?
Servo: Alright, pour that into the plastic tulip glass, and garnish with a wind-up shrew!
Joel: Hey, y'know what? This looks pretty good. You mind if I try it?
Servo: Be my guest.
Frank: Woo! Oh, it is ladies' night! Yeah, the feeling's right! Oh, ladies' night! And I wanna dance... with... somebody... Whee!
Dr. F: New rule, Frank: don't ever touch me.
Joel: Hey, hold it, you guys! Hey-hey-hey-hey! I know we wanted to do a killer shrew sketch sometime in this experiment, but these costumes just aren't cuttin' it.
Joel: Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah, ooh, ah! Uh... that... feels... like... when it's a... really nice... Sunday afternoon... but you... keep the shades down, and you're home watching the Channel 9... movie and the announcer says, "We will we back after Harry and Walter go to New York"... Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh... dut-dut! Dut-dut, dut-dut... no! Must... read letter... before I go... what the hell?
Crow: Did I tell ya my saliva is poisonous?
Joel: Ah! Ah ah ah! Put it up on still-store, Cambot! Ah, "I am fifteen years old and a huge fan of your incredibly... funny... show... though you may not remember or perhaps regret is incredibly funny and extremely clever, along with the Patrick Swayze Christmas Carol and Catalina Capers' 'Creepy Girl' song. You guys are very clever. Mystery Science Theater is the greatest show on cable! I also present you with my Favorite Show Award!" Put that up on Still Store, Cambot, please! And ugh agh um, ah... water... You know, only the support and love of loyal MST3 viewers can save us from killer shrews and their ilk. Why don't you tell 'em the information, shrew Tom Servo.
Servo: Ruff! Ruff! A pleasure! I-yi-yi-yi-yi-yuh! Please, for the health and well being of all of us on the Satellite of Love, ruff! Please send your information and your letters to: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Information Club, ruff-ruff, Post Office Box 5325, Hopkins, Minnesota, I-yi-yi-yi! Whoops!
Frank: Ooh... my tummy hurts... I had too much Killer Shrew-hoo...
Dr. F: Oh, there there, Frankie. Here, I fixed you something nice.
Frank: Thanks, what is it?
Dr. F: An epicac.
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