||Being from Another Planet
||Attack of the Giant Leeches
Joel: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. My name's Joel Robinson and about three weeks ago, I set up this Holoclown sequencer to cheer up the 'Bots, and now I can't get it to turn off, and it's getting hard to sleep at night, and I'm tasting metal!
Holoclown: Did I show you guys my magical, whimsical, squirty flower?
Servo: Yeah, about a kazillion times!
Holoclown: Oh... well, did I show you my rash?
Servo: No, no, no, no, don't do it! Please!
Crow: Oh no, again? Geez!
Holoclown: Hey, little girl! Would you like a salted nut roll?
Gypsy: Aah! Joel! Joel! Joel!
Holoclown: Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Holoclown: What are you yelling at? Shut up! Shut up! Do you think I like it being stuck in limbo with you? No! Get on your arms and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!
Crow: Joel, this is getting weird. You gotta do something!
Joel: I'm working on it!
Magic Voice: Joel! Do something! I hate these clowns and I don't even exist!
Servo: That, that's it! That's the one!
Holoclown: Joel Robinson, don't you do that! Don't you do that!
Joel: I have to do it, it's all over! I have to do it, it's all over! I have to do it, it's all over!
Holoclown: Don't you do that, don't you do that, don't you do that, don't you do that!
Gypsy: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign now.
Crow: Well, let's never do that again!
Gypsy: I'll say.
Joel: We'll be right back.
Dr. F: Ah! Robinson, Servo, Mr. T. Robot! Our invention this week is inspired by this week's experiment, "Attack of the Giant Leeches". In ye olden times, alchemists believed that leeches served medicinal purposes.
Servo: Clowns are raining down. Hear the scream of the grease paint. Danger! Clown puddles.
Joel: Nice haiku, Tom, very good. Crow, you're next.
Crow: Uh oh. Uh, the Captain and Tennille are calling.
Frank: So do we!
Dr. F: Uh, yes um, we found that the common fresh water leech uh, can serve the same purpose as a nicotine patch, and being neither food nor drug, there's no pesky FDA regulation to impede your progress and I can experiment at will. Frank?
Frank: At your service.
Dr. F: Our subject, Frank, has been trying to quit smoking for quite some time. He's a three pack-a-day man.
Frank: No I'm not!
Dr. F: Yes you are, shut up. Now this leech, we'll call him Patches...
Dr. F: When applied to the neck or head area, will suck any desire to smoke out of Frank.
Frank: No, no, no, no! No! No! No, I'm the sum of my vices! I have my pain, my happiness, my losses, my love! My struggles, my hobbies, my lent! I want to live! I want to live! I want to live! And love! And learn! And live!
Dr. F: But this won't hurt a bit.
Frank: Oh, okay.
Dr. F: Uh, there you go. Now, Patches, I'm depending on you, ya slug!
Frank: Say, this is the most action I've got in a little...
Dr. F: Frank! Back to you, Joel.
Joel: Well, sirs, as you know, puberty is that time when childhood crosses that might threshold to adulthood. Kids can't wait for it to start, and grown-ups can't wait for it to leave. It's Spring time for your body, and you're about to bloom into beautiful flora. But, as you know, being an adolescent is time-consuming. And that's why we came up with this! The Satellite of Love Insty-Adolescent Kit!
Crow: Yeah, why waste your teens off in torturous flux when those funny feelings downstairs can be taken care of in a jiffy? Get ready, you'll have to start showering daily, as the faceous oil included in the kit does double-doody on your scalp, face, and under-arms.
Servo: Oh, no, no, no. Eww, and my back too! Yech!
Joel: Yeah, and don't forget the octaves you'll encompass when you finally encounter our minty fresh hormonal spray!
Servo: Ack! Ack! Ahem, hello Susie! Wanna go to the slow dance with me? Ohh...
Crow: Hahaha! And that's when your face turns beet red, but it's okay 'cause Susie won't notice because you'll be covered with pimples!
Servo: Oh, you guys just don't understand me!
Crow: That's right. Now that you're a teen, the most innocent remarks by friends and family will be construed as personal attacks.
Servo: Oh, and what's that supposed to mean?
Joel: Well, fortunately each kit comes with its own personal retort cards, with comebacks like, "You just have no clue!", "Who's in my room?" and "You guys are so phoney!"
Servo: Oh, you're not the boss of me!
Crow: Hey, but there's more! Mood pills! Yes, you'll span the emotional globe and you'll experience everything from mild nausea and persistant dread, to ecstatic feelings of immortality!
Servo: Everything is so stupid and...
Joel: All this in one afternoon!
Servo: I don't care anymore! Great, but I still don't have my license!
Joel: Oh listen, mister, if you don't like it, you can stay in a hotel down the street! What do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Very amusing, Joel. But let's not forget why you're up there. To watch really bad movies. And now, a Dr. Clayton Forrester presentation, "Attack of the Giant Leeches".
Joel: Oh, you're doing homework alright! Oh, you are!
Servo: I don't care! You guys are so phoney!
Joel: Look what you did to your mother... Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
Joel: Oh, wow! Blind-sided by another short! Are you guys okay?
Crow: Ah, don't worry, Joel. I'm feeling no unusual effects from it. Isn't that right, Billy? That's right, Crow!
Servo: Hehehe. Really nice, Crow. Uh, you know, Joel, for the life of me I can't understand the appeal of these old serials.
Joel: Well that's no big mystery, my little fire-plug. They actually have kind of an historic quality, you know. If it's in the 1930's and you're interested in taking over the world, you gotta get gutsy enough to beat the band!
Crow: Yeah, no kidding. Just look at the elaborately flamboyant costumes the bad guys were gadding about in. Togas, electric helmets, dance belts, fascist underoos.
Joel: Yeah, exactly. And I thought it'd be fun as a thought excersise for you guys to tell me how you were gonna dress up if you were gonna take over the world.
Servo: Oh, you know. I'd bronze my skin, put on forty pounds, and dress like Bea Arthur. Hehehehehe.
Crow: I'd wear a Lone Ranger mask and a swimsuit made of string cheese.
Joel: Good idea, very thoughtful. Okay uh, say you've got your costume, what would your caper be? I mean, what would you do to take over the world?
Servo: Oh, I'd freeze all the world's oceans! Oh, but then I guess it'd mean I'd have to dress like Dick Button.
Crow: Oh uh, I'd send uh, California tumbling into the ocean. Uh, the Atlantic Ocean. After showering, talc, and changing into my Frito Bandito costume.
Joel: I see. Well, once you take over the world, what would you do then?
Servo: Ooh! I'd turn all those who opposed me into the Boy in the Plastic Bubble. For obvious reasons.
Crow: I'd declare March "Liza Month"! Whoo!
Joel: Well, it's fun to dream, you know. But you can bet that anybody seriously interested in world domination is gonna end up looking like a real snicker-doodle.
Dr. F: What's that supposed to mean? I'll deal with you later! Back to the drill, Frank. You will bow down before me, son of Durell! Bow down!
Joel: Okay, I'm right on it, Gypsy. No problem.
Servo: Whoo! Boy, some strong coffee. I'm getting buzzed! My neck plates quiver, and my cute little acrylic hands are shaking and sweaty! Woah! Fill her up, Joel.
Joel: Okay, thought so. Anything you say, little amigo.
Gypsy: More sugar, please!
Crow: Boy, Joel, today's experiment's got bite. It's uh, it's like, um...
Servo: Oh, it's like a fever dream, Crow! You know, or like one of those dreams when you get home at midnight and you wolf down a Ukrainian sausage pastry and a Grulsh beer, then you go straight to bed.
Crow: Yeah, or where you just got off a twelve hour shift at Arby's and you're watching TV at 3 am and then you fall asleep during "Omega Man".
Gypsy: Do you have anymore half-and-half?
Joel: Yeah, no problem. You know, I had a really weird dream last night.
Joel: I dreamed that we all got back to Earth and then you guys got a duplex together.
Servo: Oh ya know, just last night I dreamed that I had a really nice girlfriend with red hair and a blue dress, but she turned into a gargoyle and I was really scared! But then Jesus came, and everything was okay.
Crow: You saw Jesus?
Servo: Oh yeah, real nice guy. Bigger than you'd think.
Crow: I don't remember my dreams too often, Joel.
Servo: Well ya know, I never could either until I started keeping a journal.
Joel: Hey I'm curious: what do you dream about, Gypsy?
Gypsy: I dream I fly in color.
Joel: Oh, you dream you flew? That means you're intuitive.
Crow: I have one dream about a little French cafe in Paris right off the Rue-de-Florentine. What was that waiter's name again?
Crow and Servo: Jean Woo!
Servo: Do you have that dream too?
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: Haha! That's a good one there, Hooter. Oh, I'm a danger to myself and others! My cousins are as close as brothers! I stay out in the rain all the time!
Joel: Bring it down there, Gypsy. You know, Sylus, it's not easy being a social misfit and then getting the added responsibilty of dragnetting the swamp for missing townsfolk, and I can't even button my own shirt!
Servo: Yeah, I hear ya, Gunther. You know, isn't it amazing how we inferior-types keep getting asked to do dangerous work which should go to men more stable than us! Really is a miracle. Hee-hoo! Hooter?
Crow: Dah, yup! Uh-huh, wag-nats!
Joel: What did he say, Sylus?
Servo: Well, I think what our bright young friend is trying to say here is, the reason we three dufuses are asked to to do these hazardous tasks outside the perimeter of society's normal rationale, is we're a danger to ourselves and others!
Joel: Hahaha! Kinda reminds me of Darwin's theory of natural selection!
Crow: Yeah, if you're dumb, ya die!
Crow: He's a danger to himself and others! Sorta likes shows with Sally Struthers! I can't even think of a word that rhymes!
Servo: You just did!
Joel: How dumb are you, Uncle Dad?
Servo: Well, pretty dumb, that's for sure!
Crow: How dumb are you, Uncle Dad?
Servo: Well, this pipe's filled with manure!
Joel, Crow and Servo: We're a danger to ourself and others! Rape the Earth and steal our mothers! Leave us in the woods and we're just fine! We're a danger to ourself and others! Do livestock, never bed with our lovers! Hunting leeches is what we call a good time!
Servo: Oh, boy! I'd like to shake hands with any giant leech who lived through that!
Crow: What? The dynamite or that crappy song?
Servo: There we go, there we go.
Crow: Joel, I can't help but feel that that film was flawed in certain ways.
Joel: Well, what do you mean by that?
Crow: Well, I dunno. I guess I just felt that Corman failed to deliver odd concepts and ideas promised us in films like uh, "Viking Women and the Sea Serpent".
Servo: You know, I had problems with it too, Joel. Like I can't figure out if those leech creatures were smart or just big dumb monsters!
Joel: Well, they were uh, smart enough to take hostages.
Crow: Yeah that's right, and when that drunk poacher fingered one of the leeches, they sent a contract man out to kill him.
Servo: Yeah. You know, so maybe they kept everybody busy at the swamp while they went into town and stole everybody's antiques!
Joel: Well, I don't know if they were that smart. I mean, let's remember they did get caught. I think they just went on killing and killing until it was all about killing and it wasn't about fun anymore.
Crow: Knowing what I know, I'd guess that they're smarter than a sea turtle but dumber than Danish physicist Neil Bork.
Servo: Yeah, like I can see them going to four of the Police Academy movies before they stopped shelling out the dough and waiting for them to come on Showtime.
Joel: Right, they're the kind of leeches that would probably think of Chili's as their favorite restaurant and it would never dawn on them that it was a chain.
Crow: Yeah, or they'd be the type to watch paid programming and never figure out that it was an ad.
Servo: Yeah, hehehehehehehoo. Ah.
Joel: Well, this is a lot of fun you guys, but I think it's time to read a letter. Let's put this up on Still Store, Cambot. Uh, this one comes from Jean A. Donne, and she writes, "Dear Joel, I am positively crazy about your show. When I find it on TV I tape it and play it over so I don't miss any of your sarcastic remarks. I keep recommending your show to everyone I can. Everyone who's lucky to catch it loves it. PS, I'm fifty-nine years old and I've never written a fan letter in my life." Well, thank you, Jean A. Donne!
Servo: Oh, bless you, Jean.
Joel: Jeana Donne...
Crow: Nice life goal.
Joel: Jeana... What do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Oh sorry, Frank, I left the leech on too long! Well, Frank... Frank? Well, now that you've sucked all the blood out of Frank, what are you gonna do now?
Patches: Oh, write, produce. Be as creative as I can.
Dr. F: Have you thought about the mad scientist game?
Patches: Ha! Don't get me started. You know, I've got some ideas, maybe we could do lunch?
Dr. F: Sure.
Patches: Uh, you think you could pick it up? I'm flat busted. You know, I'd really love to produe you! I have this council, maybe you could...
Back to Experiments.
Back to MSTies Anonymous.