||Giant Gila Monster
Joel: Well, you won't be needing this anymore.
Crow: Hey! Hey, wait, that's my body! That's got some of my favorite parts!
Joel: Oh, come on!
Servo: I don't wanna be part of this dumb nightmare double act, Joel!
Joel: Oh, bite me, you're the thing with two heads! It's fun!
Crow: I call Ray Milan!
Servo: Oh, great, that makes me Rosie Grier!
Joel: Oh, come on, a fella could do a lot worse than be a star alignment for the LA Rams!
Crow: Yeah, who just happens to be in touch with his feminine side...
Servo: Let me tell you something, pin beak, your mouth-wash just ain't making it!
Crow: Oh yeah? Well, this body really stinks! Look at these tiny little arms, what are they good for? Eating corn on the cob?
Servo: Joel, I really, really hate this "thing with two heads" idea.
Crow: Yeah, stop us before we kil again, Joel!
Crow and Servo: Rrrr! Rrrr!
Joel: Well, how about this, well, you're The Odd Couple 1999.
Servo: Say! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!
Servo: Some time earlier, Crow's body had thrown him out, requesting that he never return again. Can two heads live in the same body without driving each other crazy?
Servo: No, Oscar, it's not spaghetti, it's linguini!
Crow: Now it's ga...
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5, 4, 3, 2, Commercial Sign now.
Joel: Oh, I don't think so. We'll be right back.
Joel: Alright, come here you little arfle-snarfle!
Crow: Get him! Let him have it! Hey, wait, that's me! That... that... that's my body!
Servo: Look at my femme little fire-plug of a body! It's humiliating, Joel!
Crow: I know, you look like George Wendt.
Joel: Oh, come on, you guys, he's just a little husky, that's all.
Servo: Oh, look at him run, the stupid jerk! Traitor, you get back here and... say, look at the cute butt on me, will ya? That's not half bad, is it, guys! Woo-hoo!
Crow: Hey, you're getting into a real weird area there, Servo.
Joel: Uh, yeah, Tom, I don't know if that's natural, buddy.
Servo: Gentlemen! Can't a robot admire his own back porch without being thought of as a strange...
Joel: Oh, cool it! Marky-Mark and the funky boys are calling!
Frank: Well, I guess the big news around here is, Doctor Clayton Forrester died. Passed away... two, three days ago. As you can imagine, it's a little hectic, what with the funeral arrangements and the business to attend to, and... The Mole People have been a great source of strength...
Joel: Wow! What happened?
Frank: He was, uh, dead. I guess that's what caused it all, um... Well, you know, the up-shot of all this is, huh, I'm gonna be in charge around here from now on. Heh. What a way to get a promotion, huh? ...Oh, hi.
Dr. F: Why don't you forge ahead with this week's Invention Exchange, Joel? I'm going to be busy with Frank for a second.
Servo: Hoo... do ya think he'll kill him?
Joel: Hush, child. Well, sirs, our invention today looks like an ordinary prop radio. Except that it's tuner only picks up channels from old sitcoms and movies! Like, for example, this is set up for the plot point channel!
Radio: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special bulletin. The Midvale Bank has just been robbed by two armed hooligans.
Servo: Hmm. And then there's the incredibly plot specific news channel.
Radio: This just in, apparently the Harlem Globetrotters are lost at sea and are thought to be washed up on an uncharted desert isle.
Crow: And of course, the generic teen dance music station. This one song has been playing on this one radio for over fifty years!
Joel: Yeah, this was danced to by the likes of Chip Douglas, and Marsha Brady, even Jethro Bodine! What do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Here, it's going to start hurting soon. Uh, take one of these for pain, and the red ones should reduce the swelling.
Frank: Thanks, Steve.
Dr. F: Well, very clever, Holly-Hobby! Now, taste the red hot steel of Dr. Clayton "Fire-brand" Forrester! The punching bag has always had a sound principle behind it. Frank?
Frank: Yes, that it's fun to beat Boffo the clown savagely and repeatedly till Boffo's bleeding froim the ears, but then... alas the thrill is gone. The fire goes out of your belly. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.
Dr. F: That's right, that's why we've invented these hateful punching bags with images of characters from the renaissance festival. For instance, there's uh, the rat catcher. Excuse me, sirs, is that your head or did your neck throw up?
Frank: Oh, bite me, Frodo!
Dr. F: And there's the ever popular leather mug maker. Please, sir, sample my wares!
Frank: Sample my fist, you community theatre reject!
Dr. F: Loveable harlequinn! I am harlequinn.
Frank: I am your worst nightmare! Twenty three dollars to get in! Huzzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkein-reading loser!
Dr. F: Uh, that's enough, Frank... Uh, well, Joel, your experiment this week is a sweet meat repleat with empty-headed teens, fast cars, and a cute little lizard. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster", and it wil make you hurt or my name's not Earl Shibe. Enjoy.
Joel: Hoo! We got Movie Sign! Ooh!
Servo: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, ow-ow-ow!
Servo: Hey! One, two, one, two... Come on, Crow, liddy! One, two... Ow, your beak!
Crow: Ow, ah, what about my beak?
Servo: It's a big old beak!
Joel: Hey, hey, guys, quiet down! Hi, do you like to make money? Sure, we all do! Well, do you realize... Hey, move aside... Do you realize you might have a gold mine in that empty pantry or linen closet at home? Yeah sure, just do what I do and turn that empty closet space into a teen pavillion slash barber shop! Just like in today's movie, "The Giant Gila Monster".
Crow: Whoo! Solid gone, Jasper! Whoo!
Servo: Couple o' freaks, daddy!
Joel: Heh, will you step aside? These guys and their teen lingo! You know, all you gotta go is clear away some of the more hazardous cleansers, stock up on plenty of health-licious and delicious snacks and beverages and then tune in the prop radio to the appropriate teen dance tune!
Servo: Big finish! Whoo!
Crow: Whoo! Oh, you make me sweat, Tommy!
Servo: Yeah, me too. Let's go get something cool and slippery from the stupid jerk!
Crow: Oh, good idea!
Servo: Hey, stupid jerk!
Joel: Tom, it's "soda-jerk." Would you guys straighten up and fly with me on this? Well, come on, this is my sketch!
Servo: Duh, okay!
Crow: Alright, pops, uh, shoot us a couple of Blue Floyds, huh?
Joel: What's a Blue Floyd?
Servo: Tuh! Crimeney, this guy!
Crow: Ah, okay, daddy, we'll talk you through. Uh, just put two scoops of ice cream in a blender...
Servo: No, no, three scoops!
Crow: Right, okay, three scoops.
Joel: Okay, I gotcha, three scoops of ice cream, okay.
Crow: Add some malted milk. And, uh, fill it on top with cool menthol-barbacide!
Servo: Yeah, and garnish with a cone! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Joel: Oh, come on, you guys, that's it!
Joel: The fun time's over! This is my sketch! You guys never go along with me on these things! I stop! I'm quitting!
Servo: Oh, come on, Joel, we're just kidding!
Crow: We're just funnin' ya!
Servo: Don't be such a...
Joel: No way! Every time you guys, the robots, come up with some half-baked idea, I try and go along with it and be supportive! But the minute Joel has an idea for a presentation, in run the baby Teddy Ruxpins and spoil everything!
Crow: Okay, fine! Next time you can get your precious Gypsy to help you!
Joel: Oh, yeah? Oh yeah?
Servo: Yeah, Joel, get your girlfriend to help!
Joel: Well, maybe I will! Hey, Gypsy, come here!
Servo: Yes, he can't help but... Waaah!
Joel: Oh! Woah! Waaah!
Gypsy: Uh? Uh? These two. Nothing but trouble. Back after this.
Joel: Aoo! Hello Crow! Eee!
Joel: Hiya, Tom Servo!
Servo: Ha-ha! It's terrific!
Joel: Hiya Mr. Daney! Aah! Crazy Guggenheim! One of the truly funny drunks.
Servo: You know, you just don't see comical drunks like the one in this week's experiment anymore, do ya?
Crow: Hell, what happened? When did public intoxication stop being funny?
Joel: Well, I think that the sixites were kinda the golden age of the funny drunks. Remember Otis from Mayberry?
Servo: Oh yeah! Sandy, I'll just throw myself in the jail! Hic!
Crow: Hey, what about Dean Martin? He was really funny when he was drunk, wasn't he!
Servo: Oh, yeah!
Joel: Well yeah, he was also very cool. You know, I think it would be a good idea if we each did our kind of favorite funny drunks.
Crow: Oh, uh, me first! Me first! Okay, uh, uh, I got one already! Uh, I'm gonna be the guy who calls you, who gets really drunk, calls you at three am in the morning and tells you what a good friend you are. Okay.
Servo: Oh, I hate that! Hehe!
Crow: Joel, help me out on this. You can be he guy on the other end of the phone.
Servo: Brr! Brr!
Crow: Hi, you know what, man? You're a really good friend! No, really, I mean it, you're a good friend! I love you, man, I love you! You're a beautiful person, man! I admire you, you made something of yourself, man! You got out of this town! I think that's great, man!
Servo: Joel? Joel? J-J-Joel!
Crow: I'm stuck here, I'm never getting out...
Joel: Crow, Crow, Crow, that's very good, very funny, very funny, Crow. And very poignant. Uh, very bitter sweet. Tom, you wanna do yours?
Servo: Well, I'm gonna be everybody's favorite funny drunk! Ha! I'm gonna be the life of the party on New Year's Eve, if you know what I mean! Ha. Just imagine, now, get this, I have either a lamp shade or a fez, perhaps, on my head there! Huh? Okay, here we go. Ahem. Hey, everybody! It's almost midnight! Guess I'll see you next year! Hehehehehe! Hic! Oh! Ack! Ah! Ah! Uh!
Joel: Huh? Oh, no!
Crow: Oh my God! My only friend is having a stroke! Oh-ho-ho! Tommy! Tommy!
Gypsy: Hey, Joel! Give your aunt Gypsy a big, slappy wet one, huh?
Joel: Huh? Uh! Eww! Uh! You guys, stop it, this isn't funny any more!
Servo: Uh, guys, did we just do an after school special, here?
Crow: Well, I don't think so! I haven't seen Scott Bayou on the premises! Ha-ha-ha!
Servo: D'oh! Hehehe!
Joel: Well, actually, since we've moved into that genre, I think it's time to do the poignant, thoughtful ending, don't you?
Servo: Yeah, guess so.
Joel: Rarely have we seen a person fail..
Joel and Servo: Who has thoroughly followed our path...
Joel, Crow and Servo: Our stories disclose in a general way what happened...
Joel, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: What were like, and what we are like now.
Joel: Hoo! We got Movie Sign! Hoo!
Servo: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Well, hello. I'm so glad you could join me. I'm your host, Thomas Servo, and this is Servo on Cinema. This week, director Ray Kellogg. Ray Kellogg, of course, was...
Joel: Uh, excuse me, Tom, we've only got the one camera, Cambot. Okay?
Servo: Oh, um, of course, thank you. Ha-ha. Ray Kellogg, much like his good friend Orson Wells, Kellogg's career was short-circuited by his enormous ego, and his difficulty holding to a budget. For example, in today's film, the gila monster effect achieved with the use of a normal-sized gila monster and detatched sets filled with twigs, and matchbox cars, and it was enormously expensive and there was virtually no money left for blocking. But Kellogg, being a...
Joel: Uh, excuse me, don't you think you should say a word to the audience about what blocking is, maybe?
Servo: Hey, don't mind me, it's only my show!
Joel: Well good, I'm glad you said that. People of Earth, blocking is a technique used by directors to tell his actos where to stand or maybe what to do with their bodies.
Crow: Yeah! Like in today's film... Uh, you'll excuse me, Tom.
Servo: Sure, fine!
Crow: Well, the director just had the actors put their legs up on everything!
Servo: I was getting to that! You see, it's called the leg up position, and...
Crow: Maybe the leg up position is cheap, but for Pete's sake, they're unrelenting! They put their legs up on pipes, on benches, on egg salads...
Servo: Joel! Joel! You're ruining it for me! You're ruining my show! It's my show! It's my show!
Joel: Hey, Crow, Crow, really, Crow, Crow! Crow! This is his thing, you know, so...
Crow: Oh, sorry.
Servo: Thank you, Joel. Beat it, buddy! Well, I thankyou, without further ado, a short film by Cambot. A tribute to the blocking techniques of director Ray Kellogg, known for the firmness of his leg up position.
Crow: Suitcases, on each other...
Crow: Have you seen "Point Break" yet?
Joel: No, but I hear that Swayze did just about all his own stunts.
Crow: Yep, one hundred percent pure adrenalin.
Joel: What about "Next of Kin"?
Crow: Oh, I loved that narrow shooting sequence.
Servo: Oh, come on, Cambot! Traitor! Cambot, help, it's my show, and you're ruining it! It's my show! I want my show! I want my show!
Crow: Gee, what's up with him?
Servo: Little more there! Little more, bring it down! Bring it down! Little more! Great! Great, okay.
Joel: Two! Two! Hey, check out the mo...hey, Cambot, I need a little more monitor up here! Two!
Servo: Two! Two! Shu! Two! Two! Two!
Joel: Hey uh, just a second, Tom. We're gonna, uh, go through the song list now, okay?
Servo: Okay, sure. Two! Two!
Joel: Okay, now, this is thre way I see it. We're gonna start with the stuff we know, we're gonna do that Eric Birden "I'm gonna ride the serpent!" Okay, and then, uh, that's followed by, um...
Servo: Cold Blooded!
Joel: Cold Blooded, right, and uh, Crow...
Servo: No, no, no, it's Newt! Newt! Yeah!
Joel: I'm sorry, uh, I'm sorry Newt, but we're not going to be able to do "Karma Chameleon" for this show, okay?
Servo: Told ya, Newt!
Joel: Okay, so we do the line-up as it is. We start with the stuff we know, followed by the stuff we don't know. Followed by Tom Servo's...
Servo: No, no, I'm the Gecko! Whoo!
Joel: The Gecko's touching and heart-felt version of "It's Not Easy Being Green", kinda like the way that Buddy Rich did it on the Tonight Show, okay? And the, uh, finally for the finale of that, Crow, uh, I mean the Newt will do the Gene Simmons tongue thing.
Crow: Leh! Lalalalala!
Servo: Tonguey! Woo!
Crow: Uh, say guys, I hate to be the flat tire on the tour bus, uh, I mean I don't want you to think that I'm the aspirated mamoset in...
Joel: Um, what is your point, Crow?
Crow: Well, aren't we just doing the same stuff we did when we were Spy-Dor? You know, the glam rock power trio from "Earth vs. the Spider"! It's the same thing!
Servo: No way, man, we're going in a completely different direction here! The line-up is different, the instruments are... the same... well...
Joel: These helmets are new!
Servo: Helmets are new!
Crow: I know, yeah...
Servo: The sign... and the.. pretty lame, isn't it. We should just go ahead and read a letter.
Joel: Yeah, you're right. Okay, well, here we got the letters, people always seem to like that. Okay, this is from, get that on still-store there, this is from Shannon, aged four. It says, "Shannon likes your show." ...And it reads, uh, "Gypsy, Joel, Tom" ...And then... Crow is Art...
Joel: She thinks you're Art. Okay, and then we got another one here. Uh, let's put that on still-store. This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow: 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Servo: Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel: "I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too." ...And it's signed... TV's Frank?!
Frank: Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. F: What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
Frank: Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?
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