||Gamera vs. Zigra
Joel, Crow and Servo: Thousand and one, thousand and two, thousand and three.
Joel: Must be about two miles.
Servo: Yup. Yup. Yup.
Joel: Right over Centerville.
Servo: I am so utterly bored out of my dome!
Crow: Yeah. Yep, there's nothing to do. Pretty much. Yep. Yep. Yepper-pepper, doodily-doo, rainy-rainer, rain, it's-a-rainin' on Jane, it's a plane, bane, Citizen Kane, mum-de-dum, bang-bang-bong-bong-bong, bong-bong-bong-bong... Oh, sorry.
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign. Why don't you boys play Hungry-Hungry-Hippos? You'd like that.
Joel: Oh, we lost all the marbles.
Servo: Yeah, hey Magic Voice, I don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do ya?
Magic Voice: I didn't play with it last.
Crow: Ah, the pieces are missing anyway.
Magic Voice: Why don't you play a nice game of Monopoly?
Joel, Crow and Servo: Too long!
Magic Voice: How about your Hot Wheels set?
Joel, Crow and Servo: Busted!
Magic Voice: Play a nice game of Racko.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Boring!
Magic Voice: Well, then, why don't you read a book?
Joel: Oh, no way!
Magic Voice: Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in 5 seconds.
Joel: Hey, um, maybe we could play some poker?
Crow: Yeah, I suppose.
Gypsy: Poker, what's poker?
Joel: Poker! Right...
Joel: Gypsy, just tell him what you wanna do and keep your poker face.
Crow: Okay, the game is "Grey lady, up and down the river, spit in the ocean" bullets, deuces, and one-eyed Jacks are wild. Uh, it's for you, Tommy.
Servo: Mmm, you know, I love the way Felix makes these sandwiches with the crusts off, they're really delicious!
Crow: What is with the sandwiches? Are you in or out?
Servo: Okay, I'm in. I'm in! Ooh...
Crow: Well, okay, let's see... What to do, what to do...
Gypsy: Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!
Crow: Oh, I fold!
Servo: I fold too!
Joel: Oh, Gypsy, you wrecked it, you had a great hand!
Joel: Oh, and now the unholy oppressors are calling!
Dr. F: I think you'd better fold your little card party, Murray the cop, and make with this week's Invention Exchange!
Joel: Right away, ¿El Duche? Anyway, our invention this week is something we all came up with together, and Crow's gonna set the stage.
Crow: Okay. Um, so, you're sittin' around on, say, Tuesday night, and uh, you suddenly realize that the quart of apple juice you just downed was actually a bottle of gin that they're gonna draw! And you're... gonna need... to induce... vomiting... right now!
Servo: Right! But, you've had it up to here with the same old warm salt water epicac!
Joel: Right, so we all got together and wrote this book, "The Children's Wonderer Book of Rainy Day Epicacs"!
Crow: Yeah, okay, here's mine!
Crow: Uh, chocolate milk...
Joel: Alright.. I'm pouring, right, there it is...
Crow: Okay, and pour that over into pickle juice! Ooh!
Joel: Okay, and the pickle juice goes in there, like that, right.
Servo: Uh... that'll do it. Comin' right up!
Servo: Okay, mine, mine. Okay, take those circus peanuts there, add a quart of warm Strawberry Quick, and a punch in the stomach! That'll do the trick!
Joel: Alright, okay, here's mine. Lucky Charms covered with cherry Nycrol! Eww...
Servo: Oh, very inedible.
Crow: Oh, that's good epicac!
Servo: Mmm... Ooh....
Crow: How about blue cheese, blue cheese on a steak!
Joel: With a steak garnish!
Servo: Blue cheese on anything!
Joel: Eww... Oh well, here's something I came up with. How about a Snickers bar...
Joel: With honey mustard!
Servo: Oh yuck, that's terrible!
Joel: Oooh, wow...
Servo: Ugh, ugh...
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Frank: Well hey, I'm having the blue cheese coke slurpie!
Dr. F: Frank, no!
Frank: Well, what's an epicac anyway?
Dr. F: Just get this week's Invention Exchange, Frank.
Frank: Okay, Steve.
Dr. F: This week's Invention Exchange is going to blow your little mind, wart-hog! It's the culmination of my life's work! It's the essence of evil, and it's a good friend.
Frank: Out! Out, out! Out. I'm doing the Invention Exchange this week.
Dr. F: I don't think so, Roy! It's my idea, I do the Invention Exchange!
Frank: I spent all night working on that bad boy. I'm doing the Invention Exchange this week. Take the train.
Dr. F: I've just about had it, smart boy.
Frank: Oh yeah? Hehehehehehahahaheheyeah. I'm gonna cut you, man! I'm gonna cut ya, that's right!
Dr. F: Yeah?
Frank: Cut ya bad, man!
Dr. F: Yeah, you wanna piece of me?
Frank: Yeah, I do, I do!
Dr. F: Come on! Come on! You wanna piece of me? Come on!
Frank: I'm gonna cut you a second smile, Daddy-O! Come on! Come on!
Dr. F: Yeah? I don't think so!
Frank: Come on.. Come on... I'm gonna cut ya!
Dr. F: Come on, Jackson, come on! Come on, sweet thing! Bring it on, woah! You're gonna cut me?
Frank: I'm gonna cut ya! I'm gonna cut you bad!
Dr. F: No you're not gonna cut me! Naaah!
Servo: What in the sam-scratch is goin' on down there?
Joel: I dunno, but I don't like it! Not one bit!
Dr. F: Send them the movie, Frank!
Frank: No way! No way! I'm lookin' at a dead man, a dead man!
Dr. F: Send them the movie!
Frank: I'm not gonna send them the movie!
Dr. F: Send them the movie!
Frank: I'm not sendin' them the movie!
Dr. F: Your movie this week, Joel, is "Teenage Caveman" with Robert Vaughn! Send them the movie!
Frank: I'm not gonna send them the movie!
Dr. F: Send them the movie!
Frank: I'm not sending! I'm not gonna!
Dr. F: Aah! Gahh! Aah!
Joel: ...drink it... Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: And hello again, folks. This is your announcer, Tom "Ted" Husing. Today we bring you another adventure from the Satellite of Love Reptile Institute. Wait, here comes Joel Robinson, the Satellite of Love's resident Tarzan, defender of animal justice, followed by his faithful Seminole stand-up guide, Emo Crow.
Crow: I was just wondering if we...
Servo: It's a pretty good impersonation, but too bad the Seminole guide doesn't have any lines, as this is pretty much a voice-over. The morning mail brings a letter from PETA: "Go out and catch the slimiest of all creatures, the Great White Ross."
Joel: Here's his shed over here. You go that way, I'll go this way.
Servo: And there he is!
Joel: Oh no! Aaah! Aaah!
Servo: Whoa! Watch out, Joel, that little guy's as helpless as a baby bear cub, but he could take a few fingers off or give you a nasty bruise. Well, this doesn't hurt the little fella, but boy is it fun! Whoa-oh! Here comes Emo, and he's got the right idea! And sometimes you have to be prepared to smoke him out. My boyfriend always comes prepared.
Joel: How 'bout a little fire, Scarecrow? Aaaagh! No! You never said anything about using an open flame in this sketch! Aarrghh!
Servo: And into the bag he goes!
Joel: Aaagh! No! Not the bag! You know I hate the bag! Aaargh!
Servo: Once Ross is in the bag, it's hammer time! This isn't really important, but after a long day in the woods, it's quite a rush! Hello! Mr. Rattler's here to keep Ross company!
Joel: Please, not the giant rattler!
Servo: It's a long ride home in the bottom of a canoe, and we don't want Ross to get lonely.
Joel: Please! Please, not the giant rattler! I can't do that! He hates me! We went to camp together!
Servo: And once back in the camp, Ross' quarters are readied.
Crow: Oh, he can't take it there.
Joel: Not in the basket! Aaggh! No, not with the rattler!
Servo: Now Ross can relax in the relative comfort and safety of captivity. We leave you with this question: If you enjoyed "Catching Trouble" in any way, there's something wrong with you.
Joel: Any questions?
Joel: Well, I've invented this, uh, artist's rendering for to teach you the history of techonology!
Joel: Hey, do you guys love having fun?
Servo: Yeah, whatever.
Joel: Do you guys like being with others?
Crow and Servo: Yeah, sure.
Joel: Well, do you like technology?
Servo: Somebody talking in here?
Servo: Oh, no!
Crow: Oh, Joel! You have got to be...
Joel: Wait a minute, something's happening in Deep 13!
Dr. F: Uhh! Ugh!
Frank: I'm... going... to kill you!
Dr. F: Well, you're going to have to kill me first, lemme.. uh... go!
Dr. F: Uh-ugh... Uhh! Gah! Uh!
Frank: Ahhh! Hahahahaha! You want it?
Dr. F: Yeh..
Frank: You want it? Here it is! Come and get it! You're gonna die!
Dr. F: Uhh... Uhh... Guh...
Dr. F: Ahahahahahaahaha! I'm takin' hair, Frank!
Frank: Hey, how about them Twins, huh?
Dr. F: Oh, I think they're doing rather well.
Frank: Yeah, kinda good pitchin'. Well, the pitchin's kinda tough, but, I think they're gonna have to try and get Hi-KEEBA!
Dr. F: Oh! Uhh! Ah!
Dr. F: Ahahahahahahaha!
Frank: Heheh... heheh... heh...
Dr. F: Ow!
Dr. F: Ooh! Guh!
Dr. F: Huhuheh...
Frank: Eheheheheheh! Look, is funny.... Beanie Baby! Ehehehe!
Dr. F: Yeh, look, dat one's got a red butt!
Dr. F: Uh!
Frank: Ahh! Ooh!
Dr. F: Oh, hello boobie! Just a little management-labor dispute, nothing to... Aah! Gah!
Joel: And it all finally culminated in uh, technology's greatest achievement! The Flying Nun! Hooooh! We got Movie Sign, wake up you clowns!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Comin' for to carry me home.
Servo: Hey, you know what's really a downer in this movie, you guys?
Servo: It's that clown in the mid-Cathburrs shift, and the Smith Brothers beard, carrying on how everything is so evil! Ooh!
Joel: Yeah, boy, if I was a teenage caveman, I'd find an accident to happen to that guy and pronto!
Crow: Yeah, well, judging by the shape of his skull, I'd imagine he's a veteran at quite a few accidents!
Joel: That's right.
Servo: Ho-ho! Good one!
Joel: You know, that character is a good example that arch-conservatism existed even in pre-history! Um, what was that character's name again?
Crow: Alan, I think.
Joel: Right, Alan! He represented people's need to accept what they have and fear things that they didn't have. You know, whereas the Robert Vaughn character, do you remember his name?
Servo: Oh, I'm pretty sure it was, uh, Travis!
Joel: Right, Travis represented people's need to take risks to make their world better.
Crow: Uh, uh, this position's getting a little claustrophobic for me, uh, do you mind if I stretch out over here?
Joel: No problem. Anyway, the pendulum of human development has swung back and forth between safety and risks since time in memoria.
Joel: You know, I bet. You know what, you can look at any invention or idea in our reality and there was some brave soul behind it pushing for people to accept it.
Crow and Servo: Everything?
Joel: Sure, yeah, give me an example of anything in our reality and I'll give you an argument people gave against it.
Crow: Well, uh, what about books? Everybody knows books are good for ya!
Joel: Well, you might think that, but when the printing press was invented in the 1500's, a lot of rich people and people in government were afraid that revolution would come when the poor learned how to read.
Servo: Well, they were right about that. Well, how about when Dylan went electric?
Joel: Well, a lot o' hippies felt that it was the end of folk music.
Crow: Heavy! What about when they invented pizza with pineapple, olives, Canadian bacon, and anchovies?
Joel: Oh, well that's evil. And it's a great epicac!
Joel: And we've got Commercial Sign.
Servo: Swing low...
Crow: Bum, bum, bum!
Servo: Sweet chariot...
Joel: Sweet chariot...
Crow: I am the last survivor of a movie watching experiment!
Servo: Me too!
Crow: Oh, oh yeah, him too!
Servo: Shh! Ahem, character!
Crow: Whether through fortune or design, we are the only survivors.
Servo: The awesome power of Roger Corman was unleashed upon the Satellite and scared everybody!
Crow: It was brought upon us by scientists, mad in shape and purpose!
Servo: Aye! Aye...
Crow: And the fact that I am dead does not prevent me from tying up a few loose ends.
Servo: Me too! Ya keep forgetting about me!
Crow: Oh yeah, him too!
Servo: Shh! Ahem, character! Aye!
Crow: Uh, we, aye, protected by our Trumpy radiation suits wait until contact!
Joel: Hey, hi guys, what's up?
Servo: Aye! The human!
Crow: Oh! Aah!
Joel: Oh, you guys... Come on...
Servo: He was the young one, who began to wonder!
Joel: I'm startin' to wonder about these two.
Crow: He was un-furthered by a long list of taboos, except that he refused to wear silly hats!
Joel: I, listen are you guys supposed to be dead? I can see your lips move.
Servo: Um, aye! We refuse to ad-lib and give in to his demands and smell his feet which were like bad meat or good cheese!
Joel: Ah, come on, you guys, quit your clowning. I'm supposed to read the letter, okay? Come on.
Crow: Aye! The young one took great pleasure in reading letters!
Joel: Now, where is it? It's supposed to be here in the...
Servo: Letters! Letter, it's in the radiation suit! Letters!
Crow: Hee-hee! Hahaha! Hee-hee! Haha!
Joel: Oh geez, come on!
Servo: The young one would tickle the old ones!
Joel: Oh, yuck!
Servo: Sorry about the slime, young one!
Joel: It's covered with slime and this matted monkey hair. Fake monkey hair that you made these suits out of.
Servo: It comes with the territory, young one!
Joel: Okay, okay, well let's put this, what's left- ugh..let's put this on still-score, Cambot. Ooh.
Servo: Aye, aye. Aye! Aye.
Joel: Got that? Okay. Well, this is a pretty neat one, before it got slimed, it's from Bruce Barbara, and it says "Verify ye hence, and testify ye furthermore that your show has a large and loyal following among the professional stunt-men here in L.A. Nothing brings home to us exactly how far the stunt business has come as watching the action on some of the turkeys you have graced us with. I try never to miss a show. The wife, who thinks I'm sick..."
Servo: The wife? Hahaha!
Joel: "...tapes them for me when I'm on location. Please keep up the good, bad work. Bruce Barbara."
Joel: Pretty neat, huh?
Joel: Now, you guys are going to have to clean all this up, you know.
Servo: Aye... no! Nay!
Crow: Again with the taboos!
Servo: Nay! Nay! Nay!
Crow: We will not clean up!
Joel: Fine, we gotta get outta here. What do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Mmm... That is good.
Frank: Oh, I'm glad I bought the orange cappucino.
Dr. F: Wait a minute, I brought the orange cappucino!
Dr. F and Frank: Ahahahaha!
Dr. F: Oh, ahh...
Dr. F: Oh hello, boobie. Frank and I are just patching things up with a little cup of kindness.
Frank: You know, it's the quiet moments that are the most precious moments.
Dr. F: Mmm. Why don't you push the Button, Frank, I'm going to slip this tape of "Dad" in, with Jack Lemmon. I think we could both use a good cry, don't you?
Frank: I'll make some popcorn.
Dr. F: Mmm.
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