||It Conquered the World
||Gamera vs. Guiron
||Earth vs. the Spider
Crow: ...No, I can't eat cheese. It blocks me up like you wouldn't... Uh... Hi, there. Crow T. Robot here with Tom Servo on the Satellite of Love and were about to enjoy our lunches our moms or dads made for us. Joel's down in the galley 'cause Gypsy's on a hot lunch program so he's making her a sloppy joe and tater tots.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 30 seconds. Recess is at 1:00.
Crow: And Servo's trying to palm off his crummy bologna and cheese on white bread for my chicken leg. Nothing doing. Tommy!
Servo: Okay, forget the sandwich. What else you got in there?
Crow: Uh, let's see. Peanut butter and gamey horsemeat... uh, half an apple... bag of barbecue RAM chips and oh, one of those jock shakes. Hey, whole stick of butter in every can.
Servo: No, no, no. I can't have that. My dad says I'm too husky so I got one of those fat-free creamy snack loaves. Yuck, it tastes like a chocolate covered urinal cake.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 15 seconds.
Crow: Hey, what's that piece of paper?
Servo: What? No... nothing
Crow: Hey, c'mon. It's a note from your mom, right?
Crow: What's it say? What's it say?
Servo: Okay, okay, it says, "I love you, you make me so proud." Okay? Are you satisfied?
Magic Voice: Aww... Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... Commercial Sign now.
Crow: Servo, you don't have a mother.
Servo: What? No!
Dr. F: So, packing your little proles with food additives, eh boobie? Well, we'll start the Invention Exchange rolling with... Frank!
Joel: I told you guys that if you're gonna play school lunch, don't use real food! Ick! And you know that you shouldn't be eating cheese; it blocks you up in the worst way!
Crow: Oh, but Joel, it wasn't real cheese, it was American cheese. I thought it'd be okay.
Crow: I'm sorry...
Joel: Oh, great, now the evil over-lords are calling.
Dr. F: Would you stop clogging your colon with food and go and get today's invention?
Dr. F: Now!
Frank: No problem...
Dr. F: And wipe your hands, if I see a smudge, I will have you destroyed! Well, inch-worm, I, I have to gloat. We've been commissioned by psychology today to come up with a design for a new centerfold. Uh, thank you Frank. And Frank and I have come up with a sort of racy Rorschach to appeal to the Hannibal Lector set! Feast your eyes on this!
Frank: Say, who's the new girl? Hubba-hubba! Huhuhuh... and it even has biographical information on the back. Look. "Turn ons: Group therapy and big pecks. Turn offs: Smoking, co-dependence, fat, greasy youngeans who sweat..."
Dr. F: Well, take a look at this one Frank. I think you'll be impressed. I know the staples ruin the effect...
Frank: Mother... Mother! Mother! Oh my God, mother!
Dr. F: Frank, she's hot!
Frank: My mother's a saint!
Dr. F: Well, top that, sugar-britches!
Servo: Oh, you know, sweet-pants!
Joel: Well, anyway, this is my Invention Exchange. It's based on the idea that when people go camping they really need to bring all their garbage out of the forest and keep the planet clean and stuff like that. Anyway, it's based on the old premise of the collapsing cup, and it carries a whole weekend's worth of filth. Check it out. See?
Crow: Hey! That's cool!
Servo: Remember, take only pictures and leave only footprints!
Crow: Yeah, give a hoot!
Joel: I'm also working on a port-o-potty that works on the same premise.
Servo: Eww! Pah! Pluh!
Crow: Ooh, no!
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: You're going to need a collapsible port-o-potty after you ingest this week's cinematic bolus!
Frank: It's called "Gamera vs. Guiron" and it is thoroughly indigestible!
Dr. F: Serve it up, Frank! Open wide, Joel. Eat it, boy, eat it!
Frank: Mmm, that's good lard!
Joel: ...and you see that's just... Hoo! We got Movie Sign!
Joel: Let's go, Gamera!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Gamera! Gamera! Gamera is really neat, Gamera is filled with meat, we've been eating Gamera! Shells, teeth, eyes, flames, claws, breath, scales, fun!
Servo: Dr. Forrester is kind of a jerk, and Frank is really dumb, too.
Crow: We have to take part in these lame experiments.
Joel: But do we complain?
Servo: Huh? So we hi-keeba all over the place...
Joel: And talk of a thousand wonderful things!
Servo: Everybody now!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Gamera is really sweet, He is filled with turtle meat, now we have Commercial Sign!
Servo: Hup! Hey!
Joel: Welcome to my world of bemusement and child-like wonder!
Servo: You think you got problems? Try going through life with a nose like a makita sabre saw! Hup! Hahaha!
Joel: My subject's asleep, let the magic begin! One, two, three, it's me!
Servo: Hey! That was a... whu.. wha... woah! Woah! Ho! Joel, you didn't tell me about this part! Oh, no! Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow, oh that hurts, ow, ow, ow, ow my head, ow and, ow!
Servo: Ow, ow, ow, ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! You rotten, I oughtta...
Servo: Hup! Hey! Hup! Hup! Hup, uh...
Servo: Oh, hey! Hahahaha!
Joel: And now my life's work! The resolution to the sawing a robot in half!
Servo: Ho! Hup!
Crow: Uh, Joel, I got the Maharishi-yogi on line one, what do you want me to tell him?
Joel: Well, you just tell... Oh, you wrecked the reveal, Crow! Oh, we got Movie Sign! No!
Joel: Hi, we of the Satellite of Love wooster group would like to present this week's pageant based on a movie stars weak resemblance to a Hollywood star.
Servo: Thank you, Cambot. This week it's child actor Richard Burton, who later went on to star as Hamlet at the Oldsbick Theatre.
Crow: Yeah, and later in such films as "Blue-Beard", "Raid on Rommel", and "The Exorcist 2."
Joel: I will narrate and Crow will be...
Crow: Crow T. Robot!
Crow: Uh, Crow T. Robot, that's my stage name.
Joel: Oh, okay, I'm sorry. Right, Crow T. Robot will be playing the part of Richard Burton, and Thomas Servo will play Elizabeth Taylor and Lee Majors. I will be playing the role of the sleepy-voiced narrator. Richard Burton was born with the name, now it wasn't Richard Burton but we can't remember what it was, into a poor, Welsh, coal-mining family in nineteen hundred and twenty five.
Crow: I'm Welsh, I'm poor, my name's not Richard Burton yet! Do you hear me? I'm Welsh, I'm poor, and my name's not Richard Burton yet!
Servo: Richard grew up some and got into acting at high-school. And then he lived with this guy named Burton who gave him his name. He particularity liked the poetry of his drunk, Welsh country-man, Dylan Thomas.
Joel: Uh, Richard did a radio version of Thomas' famous adaptation of the Gamera song.
Crow: Not for the proud man, apart from the raging moon, I write. Gamera, Gamera, what dark despised dreams dwell in the sullen wakey bones neath your impenetrable shell?
Joel: That was good, Crow.
Crow: Ah, thanks.
Joel: No, uh, that was, that was really good. I mean, very moving.
Servo: Joel. Joel, please?
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Uh, later Richard Burton got famous and they payed him a lot of money to do movies in Hollywood. Did some bad ones, and some good ones, and then he met Elizabeth Taylor and they fell in love and she dumped Eddie Fisher but he got over it and became a really famous chess player. Richard and Liz got super-famous and became the Tom and Roseanne of their day. Tom Servo and Crow will now do a scene from their most famous collaboration, "Who's afraid of Gamera Turtle?"
Servo: Ahem. "AAAGH!" Who said that? "AAAGH!"
Crow: I don't know, Martha.
Servo: Oh, come on, George, you remember! Who said that? "AAAGH!"
Crow: I don't remember. I said, I do not remember, Martha.
Servo: Oh, I remember, it was Gamera! He walked into the room, lit a cigarette, looked around, and said "AAAGH!"
Crow: If you say so, Martha.
Servo: Oh, you laughed your ass off!
Joel: That's enough, okay?
Crow: Oh, okay.
Servo: Okay, ahem.
Joel: Alright. Later, Burton got back to his roots and trod the boards as King Arthur in the smash-hit musical, "Gamera!" His performance was nothing less than mesmerizing, even when he drank two bottles before the matinée, here are some highlights.
Crow: Gamera, Gamera, I know it sounds a bit bizarre, but with Gamera that's how conditions are. I wonder what the King is doing tonight. I wonder if the King will get stinking, tonight.
Joel: Okay, Crow, that's enough.
Crow: I was totally off-script, could you tell? I was totally off.
Servo: After the success of "Gamera!", Burton's life hit a rough spot. Parts dried up, but he didn't. He was drinking more and acting less. A project called "Mannequin" was discussed, then dropped. Then, just when things were getting desperate, his agent called. They wanted him for a menial role in the critically acclaimed television series, "The Fall Guy."
Joel: A chance to work with Heather Thomas and Lee Majors? It was too good to be true. Burton's answer was a blurry but resounding "Yes." Here, we recreate a scene from that historical television play.
Servo: So, whaddya say? You wanna climb into my four-by-four, drive really fast, help me chase down that scum-bag who jumped bail? Whaddya say?
Crow: I say, hic, let's nail the sucker.
Joel: Uh, Richard Burton passed away shortly after performing his magnum opus, thus ends our pageant, we salute you!
Joel, Crow and Servo: One of the good dead ones!
Joel, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Gamera! Gamera! Hiro-hiso Gamera! Hiro-hiso Gamera! Hiro-hiso Gamera!
Joel, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Hoh! Mun! Gun! Gon! Gin! Gan! Gon! You die Joe! Asola kali kalo-tey! Krako-tah, lah topi-to! Eh doh pah ti dum kadi ko-fih! Eee kasa doh feyer go, go, go!
Joel, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Madri krom kati koteh, bambeh keh laku-teh! Hiro-hiso Gamera! Hiro-hiso Gamera! Hiro-hiso Gamera!
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Feinstein: Anyway, he got his start getting cigarettes to Agnus Demille, if you can believe that.
Frank: Oh, ho, ho!
Feinstein: But, anyway, back to my original story which was that I think Oscar Hammerstein spent two weeks up at his Bucks County farm writing the lyrics to "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning." And he labored over it and he turns it over to Dick Rogers who sits down and promptly... In ten minutes mind you, writes the melody. And I don't have to tell you two gentlemen that American musical theater was never quite the same thing.
Frank: What a wonderful story!
Dr. F: Uh, tell us that story about Cole Porter again.
Frank: Oh, please do!
Feinstein: Should I? Really? Okay. Well, Cole Porter, in, during his horse-riding accident, well, he was laying in the middle of the woods with his legs crushed, yelling for help, he decided to write "At Long Last Love."
Frank: Oh, no!
Feinstein: That's a true story, but what a lot of people don't know is that the lyrics were altered for its Broadway opening, yes. And the original lyrics went something like this. Very tender. "Oh my God! I'm in so much pain! Somebody please help me! Somebody come and save me!"
Frank: What an enchanting anecdote!
Dr. F: They don't write them like that anymore, do they?
Feinstein: They certainly do not.
Dr. F: How does the Gamera theme songs stack up against songs from yesteryear?
Feinstein: Oh, it's interesting you should ask that because the opening lyric of the Gamera theme song has sort of a Rogers and Hart feel to it. Let me show you what I mean. Gamera, Gamera, Gamera is really neat. Gamera is filled with meat. We all love you, Gamera. But then the second part is a little more fun. It has a sort of George and Ira Gershwin feel to it. Shell, teeth, eyes, claws, scales, breath, fun. It sort of sneaks up on you. "Boo," it says. Gamera's enchantment still grows. He fills our hearts with love. Gamera's the latest thing. He fills our hearts with spring, spring, spring! Anytime you want some moonbeams, Gamera is the thing. Gamera is really neat, he is filled with turtle meat, we all love you, Gamera!
Dr. F: Ah! Kill him. Better yet, I'll kill him. You push the Button.
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