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302 Gamera 06/08/91
303 Pod People 06/15/91
304 Gamera vs. Barugon 06/22/91



TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS (Where applicable) 303 Pod People A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by TServo81@aol.com
Prologue
Invention
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
303.wav "Now we can kill us some game in peace and quiet." -Poacher
"Do you realize what you just said?" -Servo
122k



Prologue


Crow: IBM, CBS, RCA, the CIA, the FBI, the NBA, ANP, NBC, ABC, R. Crumb, and CPO Sharky. Ya see? They're all the same. And what do I think? I think if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Good night, and may God bless!
Joel: Hey! That was great!
Crow: Hey, I didn't know you guys were there!
Joel: Fantastic!
Servo: I'd applaud if I could, but...
Crow: Thank you, thank you. Well, it's a work in progress; it's part of my one-man show called "Robot on the Run."
Joel: Hey, look, we're on, everybody. Hi! Hey, welcome to the Satellite of Love. We're having our art chautauqua today.
Servo: Cool.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 15 seconds.
Joel: Anyway, Tom, you wanna do yours?
Servo: Let's do it. I was born the son of a poor Filipino merchant. I remember I would sit on the stoop of my tenament brownstone on the lower East Side. I was... uh, I was... uh...
Magic Voice: Tom, your line is: "I was crying."
Servo: Thank you.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in five... four... three... two... Commercial Sign now.
Servo: I was crying!


Invention


Joel: Now? ...Mayo, I'm gonna make a recommendation that you be dropped from the program.
Servo: Don't you do it! Don't you do it! I got nowhere else to go! I got nothing!
Joel: Hey, pretty good!
Crow: Yeah, pretty good!
Servo: Thank you.
Joel: Okay, anyway, I... I think it's time to do the invention exchange here. What I've got isn't really a new invention, but it's a new kind of guitar chord. What you do... it's for the dynamic endings of your rock show. This is the Mel Bay chart, right there. It's an A minor augmented with an Eddie Van Halen bolt action on the bottom.
Crow: Cool.
Joel: So, when you get to the big jams at the end of the concert, you can play it. Now, it takes two hands to play this chord, so at that point, you have your dynamic front man... I guess Crow will do it.
Crow: Okay.
Joel: We'll strum it. Okay, on the count of three: One... two... three! What do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Oh, great, get Foghat on the phone! Well, our experiment this week, Joel, is going to be sweeping the country by storm. Isn't that right, Frank?
Frank: That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.
Dr. F: That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
Frank: People vomit?
Dr. F: No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.
Frank: That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?
Dr. F: You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...
Frank: The immortal "Ba Ba Black Sheep"...
Dr. F: The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...
Frank: The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...
Dr. F: Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.
Dr. F and Frank: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
Joel: We got Movie Sign!


Segment 2


Joel: All right! All right, let's do it again! You come in late girls, again, you're out. All right? All right, from the top. With a pickle mind, we kick the nipple beer. Steady as a goat, we're flying over trout. Ghetto down the highway at the speed of light. All I want to feel now is the wind in my eyes. Sack of monkeys in my pocket, my sister's ready to go.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Hear the engines roll now.
Gypsy: Hear the engines roll now.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Idiot control now.
Gypsy: Idiot control now.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Hideous control now.
Gypsy: Hideous control now.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Nitty on the road now.
Gypsy: Nitty on the road now.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Midi in control, wheels on fire, burning rubber tires!
Gypsy: Rubber tires!
Dr. F: He's pretty good.
Frank: Good? He's the BEST!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Near each other rolls now.
Gypsy: Near... now.
Joel, Crow and Servo: He really loves me, go now.
Gypsy: He... loves... go.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Needy inches bow down.
Gypsy: Bow down!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Pity and a poor boy.
Gypsy: Poor boy!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Hear the engines roll, bees on pie, burning rubber tires.
Gypsy: Tires!
Dr. F: Oh great.
Frank: Say!
Dr. F: Pretty good.
Frank: Yeah!
Dr. F: Whadda ya think?
Joel: It stinks!


Segment 3


Joel: Oh, hiya Crow.
Crow: Oh, hi. Whatcha doin'?
Joel: Oh, we were just inspired by the cool new age music in this movie, so we decided to use a wall of keyboards and make our own new new age music. You wanna help?
Crow: Sure. Ah, what can I do?
Joel: Well, I could teach you how to play the keyboards.
Crow: Will it take long?
Joel: No, of course not. Come on over here. Here, check this out. Ok, put your hand... c'mon, put your hand over here...
Crow: Okay...
Joel: Put your finger down, see?
Crow: Like that?
Joel: Yeah.
Crow: Ooh!
Joel: Yeah, you got it. You're playin' a new age chord now, okay?
Crow: Neat.
Joel: Just like Yanni. All right, now... put another finger down.
Crow: Okay.
Joel: See? Now you're playin' a Yanni lick. Now hold it down for an hour.
Crow: Yeah?
Joel: Now hold it down 'til you get a record contract from Windham Hill.
Crow: Oooh! Hey, cool. Servo, check it out! It's my new new age Yanni lick. Uh, Joel, hold down my new new age Yanni lick. I gotta put my sandwich down.
Joel: Okay. Got it.
Crow: This music's kind of dull, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah, but it's a good way to make a lot of money without a big initial investment.
Servo: And now, "Music From Some Guys In Space." Tonight on "Music From Some Guys In Space," more fine, new, new age music and sounds from super-progressive Bay Area new age keyboardist, Joel Robinson. Joel will be accompanied on the wall of keyboards by veteran minimalist, Crow T. Robot. We invite you to sit back and enjoy more repetative, new age music as we cruise the spaceways. Come along, fellow travellers, and enjoy "Music From Some Guys In Space."
Joel: Hey, we got Movie Sign, you guys!
Servo: It's Movie Sign. Next time... on... "Emergency... 911" ...a duck... with an arrow... through it's neck.
Joel: Tom, you're stuck in Shatner mode. Come on, man, snap out of it!
Joel and Servo: Crow, wake up! Movie Sign! We got Movie Sign!


Segment 4


Joel: You are magic, aren't you, Trumpy?
Dr. F and Frank: Huh?
Joel: Trumpy, you come down!
Servo: Yeeeeeeeeooooooh! Ooooooooooh!!! Ooooooooooooh!!!
Joel: I can't bring him down! I don't know how it works!
Crow and Servo: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Servo: I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
Joel: Oh, we got Commercial Sign!


Segment 5


Joel: Well, guys, looks like it's time to pack it all in again.
Crow: Yeah. We are the stuff dreams are made of.
Servo: Oh, that's beautiful, Crow! Shakespeare?
Crow: Uh, no. Bermashave ad...
Servo: Oh, well I... huh?
Joel: You know, guys, it always hurts...
Crow: Ow!
Joel: ...to close it all up...
Servo: Yeah.
Joel: ...strike the set...
Crow: Ow! Geez!
Joel: ...wipe off the grease paint...
Servo: Yeah.
Joel: ...uh, napkin up the blood and entrails...
Crow: Ouch!
Joel: ...and move on to another town.
Crow: Uh-oh. I smell a song.
Servo: Mmmm-hmmm.
Joel: Tell me where does all the magic go...
Servo: Ooooo!
Joel: When the curtain falls to end the show? Do the clowns always cry when they pack up the paper sky? And the champagne is being poured...
Joel and Servo: And the lock is on the old stage door?
Joel: Will there still be a clown in the sky for me?
Servo: Oh, Joel!
Joel: Don't worry, buddy, there'll be other experiments.
Servo: You really think so, mister?
Joel: Yeah, take a verse, it'll cheer you up.
Servo: Okay. When the harlequinn is on the bed and the whiskey haze surrounds his head, William Holden's coming over and he's got a fifth of...
Joel: Tom Servo, if you don't stop doing your Anthony Newly, I'm gonna throw you against the wall.
Crow: He'll do it, too.
Joel: Will there still be a clown in the sky...
Servo: Help us out, Crow!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Still be a clown in the sky...
Servo: Take it home, Joel!
Joel: Tell me, where is that clown in the sky for... me? I love you, Tom Servo.
Servo: I love you, Joel.
Joel: I love you, Crow.
Crow: You're not my real father!
Joel: Whadda ya think, sirs?
Dr. F and Frank: It stinks!



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