||Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Joel: Okay Gypsy, if you had your druthers, what would your name be?
Gypsy: Stockard Channing.
Joel: Oh, Stockard Chann... huh?
Joel: Oh, looks like we're back on, everybody. Wow. Check it out.
Servo: Hey, everybody.
Joel: Welcome to the Satellite of Love. We're just talking about if we had our chance, what would our favorite new name be. Uh, Crow?
Crow: My name is Jose Jimenes...
Joel: Tom Servo, what do you want?
Servo: Well, um...
Magic Voice: Fifteen seconds to Commercial Sign. I've always liked the name... Magic Voice.
Joel: Oh, I could see...
Joel, Crow and Servo: Huh?
Joel: Anyway, Tom Servo?
Servo: Well Joel, personally, I've always been partial to Sugar Magnolia.
Joel: Oh, Sugar Magnolia.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5, 4, 3, 2, Commercial Sign now.
Joel: And from now on I'll be known as Chuck Woolery, and we'll be back in two minutes and two seconds.
Crow: Joel? Joel?
Joel: Yeah, Crow buddy?
Crow: Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?
Servo: They called me Mr. Tibbs!
Gypsy: Mrs. Richard Basehart! Mrs. Richard Basehart!
Magic Voice: From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...
Joel: That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments. The Mads are calling...
Frank: You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank.
Dr. F: Why's that, Frank?
Frank: Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...
Dr. F: Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!
Frank: Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?
Dr. F: No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either! Oh! Hello, boobie! How did you fare going through the asteroid belt?
Joel: Jeepers! Don't remind me! Ouch! Well, my Invention Exchange this week is...
Dr. F: Wait for it... Wait for it...
Frank: Daddy, there's a boy outside. His name is...
Dr. F: Shut up! Now!
Joel: Everybody knows smoking kills, but it's cool! What are you going to do? Everybody loves tar... who doesn't? But scientists have known for well over a year that it's bad for you. So, when you go into a resteraunt and they ask you for smoking or non-smoking... DO WHAT I DO...
Crow: Hey! It's a smoking jacket! Get it?!
Servo: Hey, cool! Like father, like son... Think about it, won't you?
Dr. F: Yeah, right. Well, here it is dimples. The latest craze: robotic arm wrestling!
Dr. F and Frank: Ahh! Ugh!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Frank! Frank! Frank! Woo!
Frank: Yes! Hahaha!
Dr. F: Shut up! Shut up!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Forrester! Forrester! Dr. Clayton Forrester! Forrester! Forrester! Woo!
Dr. F: Yes! Yes! Yes! Woo... Ah... Yeah... Well, your experiment this week, Joel, is a bit of a break for you. It's uh, it's... I haven't see the whole thing; it looks to me like a buddy picture. I've seen the opening credits and it looks to me like a modern day "Defiant Ones"... Isn't that right, Frank?
Frank: I think you're going to like it. It's a little thing we like to call "Cave Dwellers".
Dr. F: Frank! Enjoy it while it lasts, astro-boy-toy!
Joel: Aah! We've got Movie Sign!
Crow: Too tight! I don't know, Joel... I just don't think this is for me...
Joel: Oops... lost it... It's okay... What do you mean? You look grand! Fantastic! I could eat you up!
Crow: Ah... and I could bite that big toe...
Joel: Hey! Quit clowning! Now what we're going to do is a little more lucid version of those really bad opening we saw, the credits you know...
Servo: The credits...
Joel: That is if Cambot will man the wall of keyboards...
Servo: What do you say? Hey! and will you give us that half-screen posterization effect, too? Will you, Cambot?
Crow: Just what are we supposed to do again?
Joel: Well, all you do is play the characters we talked about earlier and we run around and stuff...
Crow: Oh, yeah. Frolick, cavort, parade, forget about the ship, that sort of thing...
Servo: Yeah. Uh, Joel? Isn't this kind of fruity?
Joel: Gee, I never really thought about it that way...
Crow: Joel, it is...
Joel: Well, no matter... Anyway, let's do it again, okay? Cambot?
Servo: Music! Here we go...
[THE CAVE DWELLERS]
[Starring Crow as Ator]
[Joel Robinson as that mean John Saxon-Type Guy]
[Tom Servo as the Really Dull Old Guy]
[Wynona Ryder as Roxy Carmichael Andrew McCarthy as Himself Kim Catrall as the Mannequin]
[May Also Star One Of The Following: Brian Dennehy, M. Emmet Walsh or Charles Durning]
[Music By: Danny Elfman - Again! Continuity By: Asst To Mr. OKeefe: Todd St. Marie]
[Body Grease By: Goodboy Of Beverly Hills]
[Very Special Thanks To Leathers By Tyson and Bianca's G-Strings]
[Copyright on all Written Materials, Editing, Lighting, Packaging, Hair Styles, Promotional Consideration, Lack of Continuity, Music, Lyrics, Tonal Construction, Liner Notes, Timbre]
[Pitch, Duration, Intensity, Basin, Tub And Toilet Bowl, Polarity, Magnetic Field, Shipping, Shrink Wrapping, Deli Tray, Mile's Too Sweet Pecs, You Are A Child Of The Universe!]
[No Less Than The Trees, Wango Tango, Locust Bean Gum, The Fighting Arnovich Brothers, Mother, Jugs And Speed... 1991@ GIZMONIC INSTITUTE]
[THE CAVE DWELLERS]
Servo: Oh say, Joel? I have a question.
Joel: Yeah? Ask away, my red friend...
Servo: Well, why is it the guys in this film give such fancy-pants names to everything, hmm?
Crow: Yeah, like they call a regular old shield, "The glimmering charm shield." It's like so stupid, guy!
Joel: Well, it's obvious this movie has a really low budget -- especially for props -- and so by adding really neat names to ordinary things, you can kinda dress it up. Like it was kinda obvious that the breast plate the woman was wearing was actually an off-the-rack auto part from Napa. But you can't very well say, "Here there yond, there goes the hubcap of the Plymouth Summerset."
Servo: Oh, right. But you could say, "She has donned the maiden shield of Valley 7."
Joel: Exactly. Now you're getting it...
Crow: Yeah, I get it! I see. If I had a box of ordinary paper clips, I could say, um... "Here is a box of incredibly bent pieces of wire used to hold the pressed wood pulp plains in security."
Joel: Right, now you're getting it. That's exactly right. It's just adding extraordinary names to ordinary things. It makes it fun!
Servo: Yeah, yeah, you find the fun and snap the jobs again. Thank you, Mary Poppins!
Joel: Hey, spit-spot you two.
Crow: Oh, I love to laugh! Long and loud and clear! Oh, I'm sorry, I digressed. Well anyway, they give cool names to TV shows like that too. Like, "White Shadow" could have been called "Hayload Hoop Hauntie". Or um, "Jake and the Fat Man", you could have called that um....
Joel, Crow and Servo: "Jake and the Fat Man"...
Crow: Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
Servo: You know, it occurs to me that when local TV stations talk about the grand marshalls for thier holiday parades, what they really saying is... Gavin MacLeod.
Joel: Oh, I got one. A pre-recorded segment that goes into a program that goes into a program and it's actually just... MOVIE SIGN!
Crow: Movie Sign! Aah!
Servo: Oh say, Joel, why is it when they punch each other in this movie, it doesn't sound anything like a punch?
Crow: Yeah, it sounds more like a bag full of sardines thrown on a pole barn.
Joel: Well, you're not too far off, you skimpsters. You see, sound effect artists use a technique called foley to create those sounds. It's interesting, isn't it?
Crow and Servo: No, not really...
Joel: I think mabye you should humor me...
Crow and Servo: Oh foley, very interesting. Yes, interesting.
Joel: Well I'm glad you asked, boys. Foley artists use a lot of ordinary items found around the home or office to create convincing sound effects.
Crow: Oh, like the sound of fists slamming into jaws?
Joel: Right. But let's get started with something simple. An easy way to make a horse trotting is by using a pair of cocy-nuts...
Joel: Right, now listen. It's the sound of a quarter-horse fielding in a cobblestone courtyard. It's pretty convincing, isn't it?
Servo: Oh, but what if the horse is on grass, hmm?
Joel: Oh, you add these handy sod muffs, okay?
Crow: Woah! All of a sudden we're in aquaduct!
Joel: Yeah, you can do all kinds of stuff! Like uh, take punches!
Crow: Uh, not in the mouth!
Joel: I mean the sound of punches. Traditionally, a leather glove against heavy metal or a punching bag. Heavy metal punching bag.
Crow: Oh, but the sound in this Ator movie is much, much cheesier!
Joel: Right, I'm way ahead of you, buddy. You just use these goggles here and you use a pair of Hollywood meat slammers! Okay! Add your own grunts!
Crow and Servo: Uh! Ah! Hi-Keeba! Ah!
Servo: Perfect, but why the goggles?
Joel: Eye protection. Now, I want you to name me a sound and I bet I can foley it.
Crow: I got it! I got it! Do, the uh... the ocean!
Joel: Okay, you just add birdshot to a drum head!
Servo: Say, that's cool!
Joel: Yeah, it's neat, huh?
Servo: Okay, lemme see. Oh, I got one... how about someone's spine cracking?
Joel: Oh, that's easy! Just use some celery. Make sure it's fresh!
Servo: Okay. Ow!
Joel: That's too easy, guys. Give me a hard one!
Crow: Oh okay, I got it: a herd of buffalo!
Joel: Oh, no problem. Box full of hamsters.
Servo: Hmm... poor guys.
Crow: Oh, did I say buffalo? I meant water buffalo!
Joel: Oh, well that's simple. You just add some milk!
Servo: Uh-uh. Poor little guys...
Joel: Check it out.
Servo: Oh, I got one. A rubber wellington boot, stuck in the mud.
Joel: Oh, that's easy. You just fill a pair of pantyhose with Jello, like that...
Crow: Oh, yeah!
Joel: See, it's neat!
Crow: Alright, do a scream!
Joel: Oh, well the're a lot of way to do that, but I'll show this way. For a man's voice, you just take an Ohio blue-tip match and strike it on somebody!
Crow: Ow! Ouch!
Joel: See? It's simple.
Servo: Okay, how bout a woman's screem, Joel?
Joel: Oh, well then you set fire to TV's Madam!
Madam: Oh, don't light my hat! Oh help me! Help me!
Joel: See? It's simple.
Servo: There you go! That's a great scream!
Madam: I'm flaming! Help me! Help me!
Joel: We'll be right back.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Grr...
Frank: What? Come on? What?
Dr. F: What?
Frank: It wasn't that bad was it?
Dr. F: I liked it.
Dr. F: Look, boobie, when we send you a film, they're supposed to be bad. What do you want from us?
Frank: I mean, we have it worse than them. We have to watch YOU watching the film.
Servo: Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuitity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!
Crow: I'll what?
Servo: You'll show them.
Crow: Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the foster grants? IT'S OG!
Joel: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Dr. F and Frank: What do you want from us?! We're evil! EVIL!!!
Frank: Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.
Dr. F: Exactly, Frank. Puch the Button.
Frank: Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.
Dr. F: Puch the Button, Frank.
Frank: Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.
Dr. F: Would you just push the Button?!
Frank: I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.
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