||Godzilla vs. Megalon
||Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Joel: And the poor, helpless velveteen rabbit scurried and blurried and bustled-a-barf. For he was frightened of the bluey, wooey, wooly, wolfey.
Servo: Oh, wow, this is so cool!
Crow: Oh, yeah!
Servo: This is really cool!
Crow: Best part coming up! Best part!
Joel: Hi, everybody, I'm just reading the, uh, my robot monsters here their favorite book.
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign.
Joel: Okay. And the velveteen rabbit said "Oh, mommy, I'm so terribly, awfully..."
Crow: Oh, Joel! Come on, do all the voices!
Servo: Come on, Joel! Feel it!
Crow: Come on!
Servo: Come on!
Joel: Okay. He said "Oh, mommy, I'm so terribly, awfully, horribly frightened, what ever will become of me? I want to be warm and fuzzy and furry and cosy and sneezy..."
Servo: Oh, isn't this just the coolest book? Oh isn't this cool?
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5, 4, 3, 2, Commercial Sign now.
Joel: "...and hop and sneeze and cavort with the..."
Joel: And the furry, blurry, whirly, little wuzzy whirls chuckle-chuckled in the warm hold of their mother's arms... Uh-oh, you guys, it's the agents of Hell.
Dr. F: Oh, Joel, that was delightful! I'm thoroughy enchanted! Now get to the Invention Exchange, Meryl Streep!
Joel: Geez, oh fine! Hey, Cambot, move it in a little bit. This thing is called the mind-control guitar! I based it on the premise of the Think System from that movie "The Music Man."
Dr. F: Of course I know about the Think System! I invented it! Robert Preston stole it from me!
Frank: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Joel: Yeah, well, whatever, you know. I thought it'd be really neat if a person could merely think of a sound and it could be played by this mind-control guitar!
Servo: Yeah, just think of it as a real guitar to help those dopey guys who play air-guitar at parties! Hahaha!
Crow: We must remember, with research there is hope.
Joel: Yeah. Well, what happens is you can see in this helmet there are sensors that read my thoughts, the impulses travel down these lines here, and then they're played by this servo-controlled hand! Eliminating that costly middle-man, your motor skills. So, now all I have to do is think of a juicy rock riff and the guitar plays it! Check it out! Watch! Now...
Joel: All I gotta do is add the appropriate facial grimaces, wear spandex, and meet with the ladies after the show!
Servo: Whoo, I have seen the future of rock and roll and his name is Joel Robinson!
Crow: I have seen the future of tripe clichés and his name is Tom Servo.
Joel: I have seen the future of an over-ripe load pan and his name is Crow!
Crow: Hey! You already seen them poke my eyeballs out and go runnin' oh, five year.
Servo: Is that the price or is that your telephone number?
Joel: It's a free-for-all! Whoo!
Servo: Huh! Boogie! Boogie!
Frank: Well, I can certainly see how that would... Huh? Anyway, our Invention Exchange this week is similar, I admit, but different in some, yet important ways.
Dr. F: I'll take this Frank, thank you very much. These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here.
Frank: Come on let's wail, whooo!
Dr. F: Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.
Frank: Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!
Dr. F: Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!
Frank: Plastic man!
Dr. F: That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.
Frank: Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!
Dr. F: Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!
Dr. F: Godzilla!
Dr. F: Yes, quite. And it features a giant lobster, and a tanker full of drawn butter.
Frank: It was a rock lobster!
Dr. F: Big finish, Frank, big finish!
Joel: We got Movie Sign! Waahaa!
Joel: Well, thank you, that was my intention. And then over here I took some wiffle golf balls, glued them together and made a um, scale model of the Epcot Center.
Servo: Oh really?
Crow: Yeah, yeah, so I accessed his hard drive and, uh, reformatted, destroying all the data he had.
Servo: Oh, good one Crow!
Crow: Well, thank you.
Crow: Uh, Joel, what ya working on here?
Joel: Well, sometimes when the tedium of space gets to be too much for me, I like to find found objects from the ship and build them into these little miniature scenarios with places back on Earth. Over here I took, uh, coat hangers and, um, built them into the Eiffel Tower. Over here.
Crow: Yeah, I feel like I'm almost in France.
Servo: Boy, who woulda thought? Bunch o' wiffle golf balls.
Crow: Yeah... you and Bucky Fuller, Joel, right at the top of my list.
Joel: Well, thank you very much.
Servo: Humor him, Crow. So, uh, what's with that dairy barn you're working on there, Joel?
Joel: Uh, this over here, Tom Servo, is only the worlds most recognised building. Uh... uh, the Taj Mahal.
Crow: Oh, the Taj Mahal! Would you excuse me a minute? Mwa-ha-ha-guh... heh!
Servo: Crow, get up here, come on!
Crow: Well, it doesn't look anything like the...
Joel: Oh, it needs something. There's some... Oh, I know what it needs, excuse me a second, I'll be right back.
Crow: Oh, man. Servo, I'm starting to get a little bit worried about Joel.
Servo: Yeah, he's usually a lot better at this kinda stuff. Do you recognize any of this garbage here?
Crow: Well, it's not just a pile o' junk! Last week I caught him kneeling in front of a picture of Leanord Nimoy, he was burning incense and singing snatches of "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."
Servo: Oh boy, oh boy. And remember yesterday when he taped all those marshmallows to his suit and started singing "The Night They Invented Champagne"?
Crow: He's been in space too long!
Servo: Oh, shh shh!
Joel: Ah, here it is. It's pefect, I have achieved perfection! It looks just like the Eiffel Tower now.
Servo: It's an onion.
Servo: That was the Taj Mahal...
Joel: Yet, it's still not completed though! Uh, I need uh, parking! Yes. Gypsy, come here! Please!
Joel: Gypsy, come on up, open your mouth wide! Wider!
Joel: Open. Good, okay, now. The cars, the cars go in here. And we have parking, we have parking for three... no, thirty thousand compact trucks and cars. Then, we build a tram off your upper lip, and then on to the Capital Records building that goes here. I need my uh, my copy of The Fountain-Head... uh, Howard Rourke? Oh, Howard...
Servo: Guys, we got a big problem on our hands. If this goes any further, he might tear us apart for one of his little models.
Crow: Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but Servo your head looks a lot like the Astrodome.
Servo: Uh, yeah, you know, and from the side, your head looks a lot like the Kitt Peak Observatory.
Gypsy: Oh, it does, yeah!
Crow: And from... Well geez, we gotta nip this in the bud!
Servo: We gotta do something, absolutely.
Crow: Come on, the first thing we do, let's get rid of this thing.
Servo: Yeah, let's get rid of it! Destroy it!
Servo: Hey, this is kinda fun! Get me, I'm Servotron, destroyer of worlds! Guys, guys, wait, wait...
Crow: What? What? What?
Servo: This is for his own good, right?
Servo: Okay. Whoo!
Crow: Whoo... Oh, we got Movie Sign, let's go!
Crow: Joel... Joel...
Joel: Uh, over here, yeah...
Crow: Oh, I'm confused. Just who is this Godzilla guy?
Servo: Yes, wise one, please, teach us!
Joel: I'm not sure if you're ready for this...
Servo: Oh please! Mr. Joel... Please! Please! Please!
Joel: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow: You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Servo: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Crow and Servo: Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel: Right. The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel: Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Servo: Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Servo: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Servo: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Servo: Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Joel and Crow: What?
Servo: Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?
Crow: Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
Joel: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
Crow: No, you don't suppose?
Servo: Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!
Joel, Crow, and Servo: KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!!!
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Si... Commercial Sign on top...
Crow: Dig it.
Crow and Servo: Greetings, children of the universe! A double pleasure is waiting for you. We adore a minuet, the Ballet Reusse, and crépe suzette. But we like to rock and roll, a hot dog makes us lose control. Schwarzenegger. DeVito. We are here to make an appeal to all of you kids out there. We must contact Mothra. And the only way to do this is to believe in a Mothra greater than ourselves. You must have faith. Faith in the power of healing. Faith in the power of love. Faith in the power of... Mothra! Mothra! Mothra!
Servo: Clap your hands!
Joel: Wait... What are you guys doing?
Crow: Oh, nothing... We were just goofing around.
Joel: You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you?
Crow and Servo: Oh, no...
Joel: Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right?
Servo: Uh, huh.
Joel: Leave it at that.
Crow: Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today.
Servo: Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner. Whoa, it's Mothra! Woah!
Mothra: Hi, kids. What can I do for ya?
Crow: Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater!
Mothra: Say, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but... You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations -- which I like, don't get me wrong -- they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me.
Servo: We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cocooning?
Mothra: Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me.
Crow: Uh, do, do you really lay eggs?
Mothra: Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic?
Servo: I'll bite... I don't know.
Mothra: The Titanic had entertainment.
Servo: Hey, that's a good one, Mothra.
Crow: Oh, yeah. I guess it takes a certain kind of all-seeing, all-knowing god-beast to tell a "Thicke of the Night" joke in the 90's.
Mothra: Well, that... Huh? Well, I gotta go. Be good, kids.
Servo: Adios, Mothra.
Servo: Hey Joel, Joel! Get in here! Mothra was just here! It was really cool...
Crow: Mothra was in here...
Joel: Oh, come on, you guys, you're high. You're so high.
Servo: No c'mon,Joel. Now, even if he wasn't here in the flesh, or in the yarn, I should say, isn't believing that he was here enough? I mean, on a spiritual level? Hmm?
Servo: I think that's Commercial Sign.
Crow: Joel... Joel...
Joel: I'd better get that.
Servo: Okay, okay now, wait. Run through this with me again, will you? Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam"?
Joel: No, right. The closest he ever said was "Play it, Sam, you played it for her, you can play it for me."
Crow: And, uh, Charles Boyer never said "Come with me to the casbah"?
Joel: No, he never did.
Crow: Oh. Well, then, I suppose Charlton Heston in The Planet of the Apes never said "Damn you all to Hell! You did it, you finally did it!"?
Joel: No, he did say that.
Joel: It's true.
Servo: And you know, it's a much circulated fallacy that in the movie Killdozer, Clint Walker said "You know, in a hundred years I may just get to like you."
Joel: That's right, I've heard that one. And also, it's often circulated rumor that Brian Keith in With Six You Get Eggroll, said "I've got a mad posh for hats," but he never did.
Crow: Now, on this one I get confused. In the movie Dune, Sting did appear in tiny leather underpants, a little thong thing, and delivered the line "I will kill him!"
Joel: No, I'm afraid that is true, my little whisper-thin robot friend. I think you're confused with the whole Mannequin be-boggle. You know, it's not true at all that Andrew McCarthy talking to his mannequin co-star, Kim Cattrall, he never said "Dear God, I'm so ashamed." That never happened.
Servo: Well, you know, people seem to remember what they wanna remember. You know, a lot of people attribute lines to the great John Crier in Morgan Stewart's Coming Home, that were actually spoken in Bert Rigby, You're A Fool! What are you gonna do, huh?
Joel: Yeah, you can't win for losing, really. Gets very confusing. But I thought it'd be a good time to show the people who sent in stuff and who were selected for the Cool Thing Contest we did a while ago.
Servo: Ahh! It was a really good contest.
Joel: Okay, and the Mads sent these up to us.
Crow: Healthy competition, really.
Joel: Yup. And this one is for the Cool Thing, and it's a big lizard with a Gizmonic Institute... uh, rocket. Which is cool. And that's from Jonathan and Benjamin Winker of Bexley, Ohio.
Servo: That's precisely the Cool Thing.
Joel: And this one is of a big elephant playing a Nintendo, doing the hula, which is very cool. And that's from Ray Cagron.
Servo: Nice composition, kinda Gogon-esque, there.
Crow: Yeah, just a little bit.
Joel: And this is a 'Bot-mobile.
Servo: Oh, no, this is my favorite.
Joel: It's from Justin Brosekey. This one is a little more randy and late-night, this is Joel and the 'Bots cruising the solar system.
Servo: Woah, I've changed my mind, this is my favorite! Look at those ladies!
Crow: I love that.
Joel: It's from Dan Nark, and Tom Mayher.
Servo: Somebody named Nark?
Crow: I love that one.
Joel: And this one, is Das Weiner Man. From Karen and Will Lantman.
Crow: Das Wiener Man!
Servo: Ich bin ein Wiener Man, ich bin ein Wiener Schtan.
Joel: And this one gets very heavy, and it's from Dan Reemers of Maclean, Virginia.
Servo: That's very Escher-esque, isn't it!
Joel: Very trippy. And I bet you listen to Rush, don't you? Anyway, this last one is very cool, and it's us flying away on a TV.
Servo: That's my favorite, right there! The end.
Joel: And it's from Sarah Wolesky, and did I mention Dan Reemers did the trippy one?
Servo: Yeah. Yeah, the Rush guy.
Joel: Okay. Anyway, what do you think, sirs? That's the end.
Dr. F: Very nice, my peachy-keen-teen-dream!
Servo: Oh geez, Joel, why do they always have to end the experiment with some alliterative or internally rhyming diminution?
Joel, Crow, Servo: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Dr. F: Look, we've just done it that way, alright?
Frank: Or perhaps we could review policy and institute a change to a less hostile posture?
Dr. F: Oh no, no, Frank, that won't work. The paperwork is far too complicated, you have to file a 34-L form, you have to send it to the main office and then you'd have to convince the committee that it's a good idea...
Frank: But it could change!
Dr. F: Well...
Frank: It could change! You could spearhead the committee, I could send out some memos, I could study this, I could go through these, I could...
Dr. F: I could spearhead the committee, I suppose... But then we'd have to push the cath experiment back two weeks, that could be done! That could be done, we could make room on the ca... Would you just push the Button? ...Spearhead the committee...
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