||First Spaceship to Venus
||Godzilla vs. Megalon
||Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Joel: Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love. And on today's show, we're going to show you how to keep those holiday goiters to a minimum. The secret? Ordinary table salt.
Crow: Then we'll talk to Mom's Mabley, and she'll tell us how she kept up a good attitude despite being dead for twenty years. Hehe.
Servo: The circus is in town, and I'm going on location, cleaning up after those big bull elephants. Hahaha.
Joel: And later, Robert Goulet will be stopping by and swinging into high, singing a song and then showing his famous Bloody Mary mix. I hope he sings the song first, if you know what I mean.
Servo: I know what you mean.
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign.
Crow: And for you bachelors, we're expecting a visit from Wanda McHale and her whale of a tale, so start your popcorn popping now, boys!
Servo: And I'll be on location. A man who ate his weight in Silly Putty? We'll see it!
Joel: I bet he can, uh... you know... take impressions of newspapers right off his uh, elbow or something. Anyway, on a sadder note, Mom's attitude really isn't doing that well.
Crow: Aww. Yeah well, maybe she should try Robert Goulet's Bloody Mary mix.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Hehehehe!
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5, 4, 3, 2... Commercial Sign now.
Joel: All these stories and more... not.
Joel: Uh, pain is an intensely uncomfortable feeling, and it's something you want to stop immediately.
Crow: Show me.
Joel: Uh, you're a robot. You know you can't feel pain. I can't do that.
Servo: Oh, come on, Joel, show him! Give it a try!
Joel: Uh, okay. Pain is something like this...
Joel: I'm just kidding, come on, the Mads are calling. Here's some people that know about pain.
Dr. F: Well, uh, these bandages are ready to come off now, Frank. Just, uh, head off in that direction. Little problem getting the Rosie Grier head to take. And how about you? Are you ready for this week's Invention Exchange, Katrina? Hmm?
Joel: Oh, yeah. I've got uh, an Invention Exchange this week. If you're like me, and I know I am, there's certain days when you come home from school or work and it suddenly dawns on you you have a Halloween party to go to. So, I've come up with some easy Halloween costumes you can make with stuff around the house. Like this one. Crow will be my model for this one. Just take some candy wrappers and you tape them to yourself or your jacket or your dress if you happen to be a human. Like that. And then adorn yourself with some silly string...
Crow: Aah! Aah!
Joel: Like that. Open. And then you, face the camera, and then you can go as the floor of a movie theatre. Right, and then you -- get this one -- take a milk carton, put a slit or a hole in the back uh, cut a hole in the front, wear it over your head, and see. You uh, go as a missing child.
Servo: Have you seen me?
Joel: See? And this one takes a little more preparation. Uh, take some aluminum foil -- I like to use the Reynold's Wrap -- and a pie pan and you cut the center out of the pie pan. Then you wrap the foil around your head. Like that. I know I probably sound like a kazoo, right?
Crow: A little bit.
Joel: Anyway... I am Iron Man!
Servo: Hahaha! That's clever.
Joel: Right. Anyway, then you get the uh, pie pan.
Servo: Right there.
Crow: Ow! Ow!
Servo: On the desk.
Crow: Right there.
Joel: Right, it's a good idea to put this on after you finally get to the party, too.
Servo: I bet.
Joel: And then, you take the pie pan and put it around your neck. And you go as Jiffy-Pop Popcorn!
Crow: Hey, cool.
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Frank: I saw some act do that at the Funny Bone at Saint Louis. Yaaah!
Dr. F: Frank, go get you costume on.
Frank: The lizard costume?
Dr. F: No, the other one.
Dr. F: Well, panzer, my Invention Exchange this week is another easy-to-make costume.
Joel: Hey! You copied us!
Servo: Cheaters! Cheaters!
Dr. F: What? What are you saying? That you're the only one to come up with a Halloween costume by using stuff found around the house? I came up with this when you were back in short-pants! Can you guess what I am? Can ya guess? Well, by taking two lengths of ABS drainage tubing, and fastening them to my arms, and keeping my feet together really close, I go as the goalie of a foosball team! Huh! You get it?Frank? Huh?
Frank: And by wearing this ordinary everyday Fram air-filter, I get to dress up as Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation, starring TV's Levar Burton. Kids, reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and...
Dr. F: Thank you, Kunta Kinte. Well, your film this week, Joel, burns deep in the fine tradition of "Kramer vs. Kramer", "Ollie vs. Norton", "Kasparoff vs. Karpoff", it's "Megalon vs. Godzilla".
Frank: It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and maybe, just maybe, teach you a little something about yourself. And kids, don't forget to read Godzilla vs. the Velveteen Rabbit!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Aah! We got Movie Sign!
Crow: Uh... ah... yeah... uh... yeah... That's right. The movie inspired us to create our own Mega-Monsters... and uh, mine is the grandest of all!
Servo: Oh, wow!
Crow: Gosh, look at that!
Servo: Gosh, I never knew that they could...
Crow: Oh, ditch the pics...
Servo: Cheese it...
Joel: Hey what are you two high-speed bit-blitters up to, anyway?
Servo: Oh... uh... umm... We're just... uh... umm... finishing our monster drawings...
Joel: Monster drawings?
Joel: Well, sounds pretty neat. Could I check 'em out?
Servo: Uh well, mine needs a little set up. Let me explain it. Well, mine is green and he stands uh, eighteen feet tall and he... Yeah! Has flames shooting out...
Crow: Uh, neat! Uh, well... Mine has flames too and it's... it's twenty feet tall and uh, has a big claw thingy...
Servo: Well uh, mine has two claw thingies and he uses them to eat railroad trains!
Crow: Oh, wow... Well, mine has a secret that umm... There's uh... an elf in his head.
Joel: An elf in his head?
Servo: A what?!
Crow: An elf... He's got an elf... And a trillion times the atom bomb power! Oh, and it's got a hydraulic tail-stomper!
Servo: Oh, sure! Well, mine is a million, jillion times more powerful than that any day of the week!
Crow: Oh, yeah? Well, mine is the number before infinity!
Servo: Oh, yeah? Well, my monster is a meltdown of all the Terry Tunes characters...
Crow: Well, my... my monster is silent as tomorrow... He kills in the night... He has been aquainted with the night...
Joel: Sounds like your monster reads Frost, too...
Crow: Yeah! He sprays it like icy death from his bloody stumps!
Servo: Right. Well mine is called Gorblat and he was spawned from a giant mutant hellbeast and he comes to Earth every so often to kill. He must drink the blood of the innocent to live. Haha!
Joel: Every so often?
Servo: Well, yeah... You know... Whenever he needs to.
Crow: Well, my monster is a 24-hour wide-awake night wire and has all that stuff I just mentioned plus it has the power to kill your monster ten times over!
Servo: Well, my monster is so completely scary that even thinking about it will kill you!
Crow: I'll bet! Can not!
Servo: Can so!
Servo: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Crow: Okay, alright. You win the world. Your monster is the best and can kill everything. You're happy and you're standing there all in your shame... Are you happy now?
Servo: Yeah I am, as a matter of fact!
Joel: Listen, you guys, I don't even wanna hear this. You just can go discuss this as long as you want, I gotta get outta here.
Crow: That was close.
Servo: I'm glad he's gone, I thought he'd never leave.
Crow: Yeah, what'd you do with those?
Servo: They're right here. Boy, you can really come up with some stupid things sometimes! Icy death from bloody stumps, how dumb!
Crow: Hey, I thought that was pretty good!
Servo: No, I don't think so.
Crow: Yes, I'm sorry, it was good.
Servo: No, no, it wasn't good!
Servo: Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
Crow: Yes! Yes! Brr!
Servo: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-uh-uh-uh-uh! No-no-no-no-no-no! Brr!
Servo: Stand by for action! Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!
Joel: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!
Crow: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!
Joel: Rex Dart is Eskimo Spy!
Servo: Neat, huh? Oh, it's Movie Sign, let's go!
Servo: Boy, Grandpa, I sure am enjoying this Godzilla movie! And hey, I sure enjoy being your grandson!
Crow: Ah, keep talking, buddy. You know how I certainly have amassed a fortune donning dorky bowties, weasly glasses and Big Boy styled haircuts...
Servo: Yeah sure, whatever you say, Gramps... You know, Grandpa, I was I was looking through some Italian fashion portfolios and there's some great new looks out... You know, maybe we could hire a fashion consultant?
Crow: Shut up, you little cretin! It's my fortune and I'll decide how we wear our hair!
Servo: But... But... Grandpa! What good is it having a bajillion-dollar popcorn empire if no sweet chick will breed with me?!
Crow: Listen to yourself, Buddy! It's part of the proud popcorn creed to be without the love of a woman. How can we concentrate on genetically improving our popcorn if we have extremely abundant members of the weaker sex parading up and down the rows of our high-yield, super-cheap, double-whammy ganga-ganga corn? The sweet fruit juices annointing their bodies... C'mon! How would that look?
Servo: But I still want one!
Crow: Oh, Buddy! Get ahold of yourself! Man, we're scientists!
Servo: Yeah... Sorry Gramps... Hey, can I ask you a question?
Crow: Of course.
Servo: When will you be dying, you twisted old ferret?! Hahaha!
Crow: Buddy, stop tormenting me! I'm your grandfather! We have the same blood! We're of popcorn...
Servo: I'm sorry, Gramps, but I can't stop thinking of all that money! I'm really looking forward to the day when you shed your spotty pock-marked mortal coil and I shed my geeky image... Sign on a fulltime hair-stylist, take dance lessons, and disappear into the night! Hahaha!
Crow: Buddy, you're gonna disappear into the night right now if you don't shut up! Don't think I haven't thought of disowning you... I relish the thought! Nightly! Nightly, you hear?! Nightly!
Servo: Did I mention the fact that our new 'Light' has 1/3 of calories of the regular popcorn?
Crow: What do you care? You can't afford it! You're flat busted!
Servo: And our new popcorn au gratin has real cheese flavor?
Crow: Good, you should get used to it... You're going to be eating a lot of cheese... Government cheese!
Servo: Oh why... Why do you always do this? I hate you! I've always hated you! What happened to my real father, anyway?
Crow: He's in the poorhouse where I replaced him just like I'm going to replace you if you don't shut up and do as I say! It's my will! My will! Not yours! I've got the keys to the kingdom! I! Me! Mine! I'm the God! I'm the God!
Servo: I hate you! I hate you!
Joel: Alright! Alright! Hey! Hey! Cut! Cut! Can we cut again? Okay, listen. This is a thirty-second spot and try and mention the product more! And we also have Commercial Sign here.
Servo: Ah, sour grapes, Crow, sour grapes. Look at me! I'm sporting a flame thrower over here! Look, light that up will you, Joel? There we go. Ah! Flame on! Haha! I am the God of Hellfire! Hahaha!
Joel: What do you think of these new uh, cool limbs I gave you guys, huh? Just what you asked for.
Crow: Oh, this is not what I had in mind at all. A bent coat-hanger? And what's this thing over here, a lobster claw, what's that supposed to do?
Joel: Well, Crow, that's for the seafood lover in you.
Crow: Oh, sort of a long way to go for a lame joke. Looks like I got the load end of the pan that time.
Joel: Okay, well, why don't you let it out now?
Servo: Uh, I'm trying, give it a little... there. Thank you. And look over here on the right I got a Swiss Army Knife!
Crow: Has that knife got a wire cutter?
Servo: Yeah, sure does, crabby!
Crow: Well, snip off a little bit of this thing, will ya?
Joel: Okay, you guys, we have to find a way of segueing out of this into that little film thing we made. Crow, you wanna do it, Crow?
Crow: You do it, I'm bitter!
Servo: Oh, I'll set up the film for us, Arsenio, I mean Joel. Well, for all of you folks who do not speak Japanese, we translated the Jet Jagaar [sic] Fight Song so that you can sing along. I'd tell ya to follow the bouncing ball, but uh, we don't have one. Roll that puppy, Cambot.
[He jock it made of steel. Eats sushi from a pail. Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar! He mother never really love him. He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity. He dickey covers up an adam's apple the size of a Toyota! He basically good hearted but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock. Knock! Knock! Knock! Who's there? His head looks like Jack Nicholson. Don't smile like that it will stay that way! Yahmmmaahoaahoaaaughhh!!! Don't touch my bags, if you please, Mr. Customs Man!]
Crow: Ah, what manner of 'Bot are you who can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?
Servo: Ah-hahahaha! Ah-hahahahahaha!
Joel: Okay, you guys. Come on, we gotta do letters now.
Servo: Uh, help me out, will you Joel?
Crow: Johnny Human Torch.
Joel: There, okay, okay.
Servo: A little dicey, I'd say.
Joel: Got some letters here.
Joel: Let's check 'em out. This one's from J. Bob Hacker.
Servo: Hi, J. Bob!
Joel: J. Bob Hacker. Let's put that on Still-Store there, Cambot. This says, "We of the planet Halogen find MST3K very cool. Also it is a religious experience; three million years ago when our race crawled out of the primordial cheese the Sea God Abe Vigoda told of one who would come, and I quote, 'From the orb of Ho-Ho's Hot-Dogs, and MTV, clad in a jumpsuit of red and flanked by two men, question mark, of metal. His coming will be heralded by the birth of the Swedish group Abba.' 'Nuff said."
Servo: Somebody doesn't have a life of their own, it sounds like.
Joel: It says, "P.S. Crow must have my baby."
Crow: I can't, I don't have a womb!
Joel: Anyway um, here's another one. This one's by Charlotte. She's age seven. Let's put that on Still-Store.
Servo: Aww, that's...
Joel: It says, "Dear To... M. Servo, I like your act. Do you like your act?"
Servo: Thank you. Well, I like your act too, honey. Keep it up.
Joel: She says, "Do you like your act?"
Servo: Oh, I love my act. Can't ya tell?
Joel: Which act would that be?
Servo: It's the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Information Club, Post Office Box 5325, Hopkins, Minnesota. The ZIP is 55343.
Joel: Been a big day, hasn't it?
Servo: Sure has.
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Frank: Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...
Dr. F: Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.
Frank: What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!
Dr. F: It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.
Back to Experiments.
Back to MSTies Anonymous.