||Rocket Attack USA
||Ring of Terror
Joel: Hey everybody, my name's Joel. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Crow and Servo: Movie Sign! ...Ha ha ha!
Crow: He did it, he actually did it!
Servo: Hey, good one there, Cambot. Boy, we really faked him. I didn't think he was that gullible.
Crow: Oh, what a maroon!
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... Commercial Sign now.
Crow: Ah, hit the buzzer.
Servo: I can't, my arms are inoperable. You do it.
Crow: Oh, my good ones are in the shop... ugh... ugh... ugh!
Frank: Mommy! Mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me! Ugh!
Crow: Ah, it was all in good fun, Joel.
Servo: We were just giving you the razz.
Joel: I'm just glad I programmed you two knucklenobs to give me some occasional good-natured ribbing.
Servo: Ah, ha ha... whew.
Joel: Ah, it looks like it's time for the Invention Exchange.
Dr. F: And don't drool this time! Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle."
Frank: No, noooooooo!!! Why! Why! ...Thank you.
Dr. F: And it's all in the name of science, you know. But if you touch the sides...
Frank: Nooooooo!!! ...Thank you.
Dr. F: Well, you get the idea, don't you? Don't you?!
Servo: And you used to work with these guys? Boy!
Joel: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, you guys. Again, me and the scientists are in direct dichotomy. They took Milton-Bradley and turned 'em into Dr. Five, while I took this Day-Glo X-Ray Fluoroscope, chopped it, channeled it, added some thrush pipes and came up with a game that teaches you about your body as you play.
Crow: Hey, it's kinda like Twister.
Joel: Yeah. Everybody knows that food in your throat is called "bolis." I call this game "Pin-Bolis."
Crow: Ah, ha ha ha!
Joel: Get it? Okay, as you can see, my innards are all lit up. I take this ordinary Day-Glo barium meatball and eat it...
Crow: Wow! Cool.
Joel: Okay, as you can see, I can move my kidneys here and it's kinda like playing pinball.
Servo: This gives a whole new meaning to playing with your food, doesn't it, Joel?
Crow: Hey, if you score enough points, do you get an extra bowel movement?
Joel: Oh, good one, Crow.
Servo: Now, does hopping around make you tilt or something?
Joel: No, but it will make you throw up.
Joel: And... there's the pin-bolis. Anyway, what do you think, Sirs?
Frank: Oh, I'm feeling much better now... Say, could you get me a glass of juice with one of those little bendy straws in it? I love those...
Dr. F: Can it, Frank!
Dr. F: Well, Joel, today's film is a plotless little peccadillo called "Ring of Terror." It's about some of the oldest medical students in history. Chomp on it but don't choke!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Joel: Hey Cambot, could you run that music from the movie? Let's do that thing we worked out. I got the drawings here.
Servo: Okay. Is your college meeting your needs? Do you find you plop down in the library's cushy chairs and then just can't get back up?
Crow: Do you often refer to the head of the English department as "young man"?
Joel: Do you wish those frat parties would ditch all that annoying fun and serve you a nice hot cup of camomile tea? Then you should join us at the Old School.
Servo: Yes, it's the Old School, as seen in Playstar Productions' hit movie "Ring of Terror." Now, let's acquaint you with some of the features at this fine university. Joel?
Joel: Why, thank you, Thomas.
Servo: You're welcome.
Joel: The campus sprawls beautifully but safely over one tenth of a square mile, nestled between the Irene Ryan Hip Clinic and the Will Geer Institute for Truss Research. Mr. Crow?
Crow: Thank you... sir. You've just finished with Dr. Rayburn's fine lectures on blue rinses, and you and your walker are spoilin' for fun. Hey, why not head down... slowly... to the athletic facility, located just off War Story Park. The school team, the Larks, look forward to another terrific season.
Servo: Cheer them on from your Bark-a-lounger in the bleachers as you do "The Nod", or belt out the school song, "It's a Good Day for a BM."
Joel: Ya know, these kids know how to have a good time. It's not uncommon for the more excited winners to dump a whole cooler of Geritol on their unwitting coaches. But you know it's not all fun and games for these oldsters. The curriculum's tough, tough, tough.
Crow: That's right, there's Napping 111 with the fearsome Dr. Prowler, a man so mean he once expelled an entire class just for snoring too loud.
Servo: There's upper level Soup Slurping, and Advanced Check Paying and Tip Shorting.
Joel: Corn Sanding and Bunyon Counseling right on campus!
Crow: And when your grand kids come to visit, you'll receive a fully-researched dossier on each of 'em so you can tell 'em apart.
Servo: But that's not all. Last year, the lecture department brought in some amazing speakers. Among them: Estelle Getty, Lawrence Welk, Blair Brookschmidt, Art Linkletter, and, inexplicably, Garrett Morris.
Joel: So, send for your free catalog today... Join us! At the Old School! Our motto:
Joel, Crow and Servo: Porcelanium Semper Epidernum!
Joel: Which means, "let's get rid of those annoying liver spots." And remember, if you're over 50, you cannot be turned down.
Joel: All right gentlemen and miss, this is your first exposure to the world of robotic anatomy. Beneath this sheet is a one we will call Mr. Hoover, who, through no fault of his own, is dead. He left this world with one possession, an upholstery attachment.
Joel: All right, now keep in mind today's lesson will lay the groundwork for your future careers in medicine, or should I say mechanics. Some of you will succeed gloriously...while others will fail miserably. Now remember, today's lesson is in anatomy. There will be times when you wish to leave the room.
Crow and Servo: Okay.
Joel: But don't!
Crow: All right.
Joel: All right. By examining Mr. Hoover we can say he led a very rich and rewarding existence. He inhaled deeply from the fibers of the carpet of life and left the world a little cleaner. Now I'm going to carry on a bit... And leads us up to the abdominal bag incision...
Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Oh! Ew!
Joel: Okay, leading us then to the epidermal layer...
Joel: Using the zipper so as not to damage the soft, inner bladder...
Gypsy: Oooh... Richard Basehart!
Joel: All right. Finally...
Joel: ...From which we drink lustfully from... Next we must probe Mr. Hoover's Vascular-Gastro cavity...
Servo: Oh! That stinks!
Joel: As we can see, he probably cleaned a very dirty, dirty carpet... As we can see we have some pieces of hair...
Joel: ...Some plastic things... a few pennies here...
Joel: ...Some Trix cereal... some audio tape... and something... looks like a piece of wax with some dog food attached.
Servo: Oh! Look out! Oh, yuck!
Crow: Oh! Gypsy's chunking!
Servo: Oh! It's going all over!
Joel: All right, pipe down, gentlemen. Please pay attention, this is for your benefit... Now we probe deeper... into the Vacscular-Gastro cavity...
Crow and Servo: Ugh!!!
Joel: ...Finding 'Movie Signus Majoris', which we must expel... Meaning Movie Sign.
Joel: Okay, you guys, it's the end of another movie. All you gotta do is tell me a good thing and get a juicy RAM chip. All right, go ahead.
Crow: Ah, hold it, Joel. This is unfair! This film's a dog! There isn't an uplifting or good thing about it!
Servo: He's right, Joel. Now for example, did you see how degrading they were to overweight people? Now its bad enough that they showed the two fatties pounding malts on some desperate shark-feeding frenzy... and eating RAM chips... but then they kept cutting away to the skinny kids laughing as the two tugboats tried to tango on the dance floor... RAM chip, please?
Crow: Yeah! And while the other kids made out in the bushes, our hefty heroes were forced to vacuum in a sandwich... with RAM chips... and in the very next scene, they showed them diving into a wheel barrow full of hot dogs... and RAM chips.
Servo: And it wasn't just people, either... RAM chips... The spooky guy from the beginning purposely stepped on Puma the Cat's tail! ...I'd like my RAM chips now, please!
Crow: Yeah! And they weren't using any stunt snake when the guy did the tap dance on the rattler's head! ...RAM chip now?
Servo: And what about the car crash victim? ...Onion RAM chips...The only two people... Only two people show up at his wake and then the only point of the scene is to show how our hero is really a fraidy-cat... RAM chip now!
Crow: Yeah! So they killed a character just to advance the plot and ah, geez, Joel... What was the deal? Are all med-students so mean and frustrated 'cause they haven't gotten RAM chips, or just the ones who have been in school for forty years... without RAM chips?
Joel: Well, listen, you have to lighten up because... Hey! Cut it out! 'Cause I can think of an obviously good thing, 'cause even though they made fun of the heavy people, they still loved each other for who they were. Now, I need something positive for you to get a RAM chip!
Servo: Well... There was tons of food for them to eat... like chocolatey RAM chips!
Crow: Yeah! And this movie provided work for a bunch of senile old codgers... who eat RAM chips!
Servo: And none of the girls had to study late or watch dead bodies get cut up or get a degree...RAM chips, now, please!
Crow: And no freshmen were publicly humiliated for everyone's enjoyment by not getting RAM chips!
Joel: You're still not giving me the positive things I need.
Crow and Servo: Oh... Ah... Hmm...
Crow: Well... At least that guy didn't have to marry Resusci-Annie.
Servo: Yeah! And thank goodness the fat people were so stupid that they didn't even realize they were the brunt of everybody's RAM chip jokes!
Crow: Ah... Well... It was a good thing that those mean parents locked up our hero next to his dead grandad or there wouldn't have been a movie... or RAM chips for anyone!
Crow and Servo: RAM chips!
Joel: Well, listen, there's only one who gets a RAM chip and that's me and I give it to Gypsy.
Servo: Wait a minute, now why? Why? Why?!
Joel: Because, I'll tell you, the only good thing about the movie is that it was really short!
Servo: Hey! ...And we're done for the day!
Joel: Yeah, we should get a letter...
Servo: All right! Woo! Woo!!!
Frank: Hold it! Don't touch that letter! It just so happens that we've cooked up another cinematic RAM chip for you to digest. Ha ha ha ha. "The Phantom Creeps: Part Three"!
Joel, Crow and Servo: OHH!!!
Dr. F: But first: a commercial.
Joel, Crow and Servo: OHH!!!
Joel: Man, that was such an ordeal. What a cruel trick making us watch a whole other movie again.
Crow: Yeah, with each episode that "Phantom Creeps" gets more and more ridiculous!
Servo: Yeah, I know. Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking he could rule the world?
Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed "The Phantom Creeps" at the end... It's Dr. Forrester who calls all the shots around here... If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idear. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number... If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me. I wouldn't have to drive, I wouldn't have to steer... 'Cause all the world would bow down before me in total abject fear. All the gorgeous dames would worship at my feet. Why, I could have anyone of them I want... Even Meryl Streep. I'd have complete respect of everyone on the planet including intellectuals, even David Mamet. Tell me why do I have to take orders from this guy? I'd like to drop him in a bucket of boiling grease and watch him slowly die.
Dr. F: That's enough, Frank.
Frank: If chauffeurs ruled the world...
Dr. F: Frank!
Frank: It's what I'd... aaarrrggghhh... to see... 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me... Mammy!
Dr. F: Enough, Frank.
Joel, Crow and Servo: We think the song is fabulous!
Frank: If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see... But I guess some other palooka will rule the world... No... Not me.
Dr. F: Push the Button, Judy Garland... Push the Button, Frank!
Frank: You think the Ace Awards people are watching?
Dr. F: Oh, for crying out loud!
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