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204 Catalina Caper 10/13/90
205 Rocket Attack USA 10/27/90
206 Ring of Terror 11/03/90



TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS (Where applicable) Short: Phantom Creeps Part 2
205 Rocket Attack USA A Best Brains Production
Prologue
Invention
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
205.wav "Still shaking the bushes, boss!" -Servo 50k



Prologue


Servo: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Joel: There. All done. Okay. Hi, everybody. I'm just giving uh, Tom Servo the equivalent of a uh, robot haircut. You're next! Have a seat. Uh, just kidding.
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign.
Joel: Hey, what do you think, Tom?
Servo: Say!
Joel: Yeah, I think it's pretty good for my first try...
Servo: Very sporty!
Joel: And you kinda look like that guy from House Party.
Servo: Haha!
Joel: I think that's kinda neat.
Servo: Yo! Fresh.
Joel: Oh, there you are, Crow. Great. Now to keep it looking good, you're going to need some of these acoutrements. There's the styling gel. There's the styling gel activator rub, that comes after the styling gel. There's the vapor mist hood, that comes after the styling mist activator gel. And, of course...
Servo: That's for styling.
Joel: Right. And then there's the after-sham... pre-shampoo... No, then this is the shampoo, then comes the...
Servo: Oh, okay.
Joel: ...after-shampoo but before-mist rub and then... Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... Commercial Sign now.
Joel: Oh, we'll be right back. You know...
Servo: Waggle away.
Joel: ...teasing plastic takes protein out. Using polycarbon-21 religiously... We'll be right back.


Invention


Joel: Oh, you're back. Boy. Step down and grab a lollipop. Good job, there. Uh, I guess it's time for the Invention Exchange if I'm not mistaken.
Dr. F: Look, I'll say when it is and when it is not time for the Invention Exchange and I say... that it is... time for the Invention Exchange. Isn't that right, Frank?
Frank: Uh, yeah... The duck... with in the and playing with the... thing in the water and... Ya got me!
Dr. F: Look, our invention is rather complex this week, Joel, so why don't you go first?
Joel: Well I was going to show you the Mexican Jumping Beanbag Chair this week... Uh, it was really great for moving, re-arranging the house, you know... Excellent for the elderlys' circulation, and if it... the vinyl ripped, it would cover itself in a tangy cheese sauce, but again Gypsy ate it.
Servo: She's got Montezuma's Revenge like you wouldn't believe!
Joel: Yeah.
Crow: Whew!
Joel: It's too bad. So I had to pull this one out. It's not really done, but I think the concept's kinda neat. You know, preparing taxes on Earth is a really stressful time for everyone involved, especially the person who has to prepare your taxes. So I invented this adding machine that actually when it prints out, it prints out in these uh... these uh... kinda candies that are on paper. See, and that way you can eat your losses if things go bad. My favorite flavor is uh, in the red.
Crow: Yeah, it turns a bean counter into a jelly bean counter you might say.
Servo: Hehe.
Frank: Yeah, those are great. I love those. You know what I really liked were those wax whistles you got at Halloween and those little, yellow-pink candy corn things. Sometime's I'd just stick them up my nose!
Dr. F: Look, no one is interested in your little trip down memory lane.
Frank: Well Joe Franklin would be.
Dr. F: And no one is interested in some candy adding machine!
Frank: Well actually, it's... it's the ribbon was the candy part if you're going to be...
Dr. F: Would you please tell Joel and the 'Bots about our new invention?
Frank: Okay. Well Joel, you know if you're like me, when I think of the 70's, I think of one thing: Foosball! Woo-eeeyukaaeeee! So what we've done is taken the whole Foosball concept, and uh... We've caulked this, added water, and we've turned it into Water Polo. Woo!
Dr. F: That's right.
Frank: Yeah.
Dr. F: To provide hours of aquatic terror... Get that, Frank. ...with shark attacks...
Dr. F: ...boat accidents, just like the kind of terror you're going to see in this film this week, Joel: The Phantom Creeps with Bela Lugosi. I've got you now, Frank. Frank: I'm going to kill you! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Frank: And then after that, our main feature is called Rocket Attack USA. It's the feel-good film of the Cold War Era, a triumph of the human spirit! But now I'm going to kill you!
Dr. F: I have you now.
Frank: Die! Die! Die!
Dr. F: I just scored on you, Pauline Kale.
Frank: You are going to... Ahahah...
Dr. F: Endure the film, Joel, if you can.
Frank: I will kill you!
Joel and Servo: Oh, we got Movie Sign!


Segment 2


Crow: Boy, that Phantom sure did creep.
Joel and Servo: Yeah.
Crow: He had a slow pace. Hehe. Well, Rocket Attack USA should be exciting. The overlords said it was a war film.
Servo: Yeah.
Joel: Actually, I think it's a Cold War film.
Servo: Cold War... Now what the heck was the Cold War anyway, Joel?
Joel: Well the Cold War was a rich, fertile time of paranoia, verile in conservativism, rampant jingoism.
Crow: Oh, the Reagan Era.
Servo: Yeah.
Joel: Actually, I think it was the McCarthy Era.
Crow: Oh, the Charlie McCarthy Era!
Servo: Yeah. Haha.
Joel: Well, yeah you're right. Exactly.
Crow: I am?
Joel: It was the McCarthy Era. Yeah. These are some uh, artists' renderings... You want to bring it in, Cambot? Just a little bit? Um... You see, I have here these artists' renderings. You see, one day Charlie McCarthy looked at Howdy Doody's hair and saw red. After that, Charlie formed the McCarthy hearings on un-American activities. Howdy turned informant and named names. Gumby, Pokey, Kukla, and Ollie were all implicated on Howdy's damneding [sic] testimony. Turns out Gumby and Pokey were in bed with the Chinese. Their arrests started up the whole Free Our Pokey Movement.
Servo: Incredible.
Joel: Kukla, Ollie had worked on a left-leaning Clifford Oddett's Playhouse 90's script, but they were cleared of all charges. One of the era's biggest informants...
Servo: Oh no, not the duck from You Bet Your Life! No!
Joel: He was a good friend of arch-conservative Marx Brother writer Mory Riskin, and as far as he was concerned, the secret word was "subversive." After that duck's devastating testimony, neither Jerry Mahoney, Knucklehead Smith, or Farfell worked for years. Arthur Miller took it upon himself to write an emotionally-gutwrenching commentary on the Cold War Era called, "Topo Jijio Goes to the Circus." Topo, by the way, used his earnings from The Ed Sullivan Show to fund the attempted assassination of Fidel Castro.
Servo: Well Joel, after this, nothing will ever shock me again.
Joel: Oh yeah? Brace yourself because the most sinister, friendly witness brought before the committee was none other than... Lambchop.
Crow: Oh, wow. Big surprise.
Servo: Yeah, I always hated her anyway.
Crow: Yeah.
Joel: She was the one who put the finger on... Davie and Goliath.
Servo: Oh no!
Crow: Not Davie and Goliath!
Servo: Say it ain't so, Joel! Say it ain't so!
Joel: Davie, being a God-fearing American, was more than happy to cooperate. Goliath named names, too. "Duh, let's see... There was Dalton Trumbo, Ray Langler Jr., Elbert Maltz, and Bertolt Brecht." Unfortunately, all the committee heard was, "Arf arf arf, arf arf arf." Goliath was convicted of contempt of Congress and sent to the pound.
Servo: Boy, at least we know an era like that will never happen again.
Joel: That's right, my little friends.
Crow: Yeah, I'm sure glad I'm not a puppet.
Servo: Yeah, me too.
Joel: Yeah, me neither. Who pulls your strings?


Segment 3


Joel: Welcome back to Civil Defence Quiz Bowl brought to you by the grace of God and chocoloatey Cocoa Bombs. Let's meet today's challengers. From Los Alamos, New Mexico representing the military's grudging acceptance of the growing trend away from nuclear prolifiation as we plummet towards peace, please welcome Mr. Crow. And from Oakridge, Tennessee representing the aerospace and weapons industries and their glib and almost Machevellian attitude towards the threat of imminent destruction of the human race, it's Tom Servo. Finally, she's a housewife from Great Neck, Long Island... Meet Gypsy. Allright, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three-word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a school child's best defense against an a-bomb attack? Tom Servo of Oakridge!
Servo: Uh, "Duck and Cover"?
Joel: Could you state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death please?
Servo: "DUCK AND COVER!!!"
Joel: Is right for five points.
Servo: Thank you. I'll take propaganda for fifteen, please.
Joel: The category is propaganda. Complete the following sentence: "Had this been an actual emergency..."
Crow: Oh, uh...
Joel: Crow from Los Alamos!
Crow: Oh, "...you would've been advised to tune into the emergency broadcast station in your area for further information."
Joel: Is right. And there's a bonus berth of Strontium 90 if you can complete the rest of the message.
Crow: Um... Don't tell me, I know this... Um... "And this concludes the test of the Emergency Broadcast System"?
Joel: Right. So, Crow from Los Alamos is off to an early lead with 30 rems of radiation. Time for another toss-up. Which early-60's CIA covert operation was considered the greatest failure of the decade? Crow, Los Alamos!
Crow: Uh, the Kennedy assassination!
Joel: No, I'm afraid that one was a success. Tom Servo, Oakridge!
Servo: The Bay of Pigs!
Joel: Is right for 20 rems.
Servo: Thank you. I'll take Civil Defense Myths & Legends for 50, please.
Joel: Ooh, taking a gamble for 50 Curries of Polonium, wow! Here we go with Civil Defense Myths & Legends. How do you protect yourself from fallout? A, hide in the basement until it goes away, B, wear protective, rubber underwear and simply brush yourself off at the end of the day, or C, run naked through a field of sorgum.
Servo: Uh, uh... A and B!
Joel: Is right!
Servo: Thank you! I'd like to stake 5 Curries on a follow-up, please.
Joel: Oh, we're living dangerously, Tom Servo of Oakridge. Name the two most famous myths of Civil Defense.
Servo: Uh, we can win a nuclear war...
Joel: Number one.
Servo: ...and survivors are the lucky ones!
Joel: Right. And Tom Servo of Oakridge rockets into the lead with 15 Curries and 20 rems. Uh-oh! It's time for the fall-out elimination round. The winner will receive a complete thermolactic nuclear fall-out shelter, complete with a 17 years' supply of canned food, and 500,000 chlorine water-purification tablets. There are two questions. Number one, the category is Hollywood Legends. Name the movie with the most radioactive and deadly set. Gypsy!
Gypsy: Moby Dick with Richard Basehart?
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry. You're out of the game. Crow from Los Alamos!
Crow: Uh, The Conquerors.
Joel: Is correct. You've just got to have John Wayne or Agnes Moorhead. Now, on to our final question. What is the most practical thing you can do in the event of a total thermonuclear war? Tom Servo of Oakridge!
Servo: DUCK AND COVER!!!
Joel: Wrong. Crow, Los Alamos!
Crow: Uh, stick your head between your knees and kiss your...
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: Oh, Movie Sign! Ah!


Segment 4


Servo: No, no, no...
Joel: You know, I think you should take it easy, Tom.
Servo: Don't like it.
Joel: It looks cool. You kinda look like Bart Simpson or something like that.
Servo: Great.
Crow: Mmm-hmm.
Joel: Uh-oh! Cool it, you guys. There's a foreign object in our air space. Cambot, gimme Rocket Number Nine. Let's have a look at it.
Crow: We've got company, comrade.
Solvei: Greetings, my new-glasnos comrade. I am uh, Solvei Droplei, most famous Soviet Cosmonaut. And uh, these are my robot helpmates, Lucia uh, Lucia and Vetallik. I greet you in the name of all uh, people of ... all working people of whole planet.
Crow: What happened to that guy's robots, Joel? They look like they got shot out of a cannon!
Joel: Just be quiet. Hello, I am Joel Robinson of the Satellite of Love. I greet you in the name of all people of Earth who are um, lounging around. These are my robot companions uh, Crow and Servo.
Servo: And we want to challenge your robots to a game of hockey!
Crow: Haha! Good one!
Solvei: Oh, it's very humorous. Is most unusual for robot to have sense of humor.
Joel: Huh?
Solvei: Uh, let me show you one of my good-natured mirth-getters. I think this will really get you. Hold on. You know, Solvei not feeling so well. He in unhappy mood. Oh, booga booga booga. Sorry. Oh. Oh boy, that's a good one. I, I kill me. Robots like it too. Sorry. This is a minor Soviet bypath malfunction. I... Back in your country is most important to maintain mammoth sense of humor in new-wave American slapstick.
Crow: Now I know why they call him sorry, geez.
Joel: Man. Um hey, Solvei, wait a minute. Maybe we could do a link-up. I could fix your robot and um, then we could get together. It's been so long since I've seen another human being. You know, we could connect the access ports and get together and drink tranja or whatever it is you guys do?
Solvei: Mr. Joel, I regret to inform your misinformation, but Soviet 18 is AC port and your ship is DC. As we say in the Soviet Union, we are not compatible. I'm so sorry, but I have to go.
Joel: Hey, wait! Wait, come back! Come back! Hold it!
Solvei: Yes.
Joel: Is there anything we can pass on to our American bretheren on Earth?
Solvei: Uh, yes. You can tell your uh, American glory-vocalist Billy Joel that he did nothing for Glasnoff. And also we will trade you a Billy Crystal for a Yakoff Smirnoff anytime. So uh, I gotta go. Remember, good health, self-control, and most important, good mood.
Servo: Do cvidana!
Joel: We have to remember to pray for him.


Segment 5


Crow: What the heck was that about, anyway? Seems like every film you send us this year is covered with ice cream. Now I can't, man. Get us down! Joel: Where did you guys take me, anyway? Where in science? How do you think it is up here, freezing like ice cream? Man, we're back here. Where do you get your movies, a downtown film festival? Servo: Why don't you guys just lay me down on the floor and just all in my face and cover me up and just do me in 'cause that's all you can do to us, anyway. Garbage.
Dr. F: Now, now, now. You're all speaking at once and I can't understand you. You're upset. Please, one at a time.
Joel: Okay, okay you guys. Let's just take it easy.
Crow: Why do you have to finish off these, anyway? I mean this movie could have been waaay better like a musical like Helter Skelter or something like... Joel: Listen, if you are going to show us apocalyptic films, the least you could do is send a Deputy Dog or maybe a Chilly Willy or something. Servo: Just lay me down on the floor and do whatever you feel like. I'm uncomfortable enough laying there. I don't want to rush this. Just do whatever you feel like. It's like a big, huge, steamy, dripping...
Joel: Whoa, hold it. Hold it! Listen, maybe they're right. Maybe we should take this one at a time and try to explain how we're feeling. Okay, go ahead, Tom. You start.
Servo: Okay. Well first of all, Sam Watterson sends a spy-guy and the piper cup over to Russia to the restaurant with the bad service. And then he meets the girl who dates a pig and he lives in her closet for ten years while they develop the United States Rocket Program!
Crow: Yeah, yeah. And like a fine ride in the relationship between the spy-girl and the fat, stinky, balding Russian pig guy only gets better. And that's disgusting!
Joel: Enter Leonard Nimoy/Bill Bixby type, he hands them a megaton of TNT, leads them into the woods, and suddenly they're having a teary departure like we're supposed to care. I mean, we didn't even know the guy was supposed to be a Brit. You know, all he did was say things like "Cheerio" and "Good boy." God.
Servo: Yeah and then Soowie the Pig Girl gets shot in one of the least dramatic scenes since Date With an Angel. Spy-guy muffs the bombing on the missle guarded by the photomat and then he gets shot in the same place as Soowie the Pig Girl!
Crow: Oh, cut to New York where and Art Mitrano and Harry Connick eat pizza and buy ties for their stupid girlfriends and Harry Truman gets off a plane by the sewage dump and then a blind guy goes by and says, "Help me." What the hell was that supposed to mean?
Joel: Yeah, and then there's the glorious ending where the entire center of New York City explodes, except for the perimeters, and all we learn is that we're supposed to live in the suburbs, not in the city. I got some read... I got to read some letters here.
Servo: Maybe it'll make us feel better than that horribly bogus, uh...
Joel: Okay. Put this one up on the screen there, Cambot. Still-store it for me. Uh, uh... "The main reason for this letter is to call to your attention a matter of grave importance. I was visiting a friend's house when I noticed his childhood stuffed bunny rabbit. What I found was horrible (see the enclosed, unretouched photograph)." Okay, put that up...
Servo: Oh, that's pretty horrible.
Joel: Uh, there Cambot. Okay, there's the bunny right there. "This poor bunny has been designed to look ike Isaac Asimov!!! What kind of a cruel, sadistic world do we live in where injustices such as these are allowed to happen."
Servo: I'll bet it was the scientists.
Joel: Yup. They could've had something to do with that.
Servo: You see, they do all kinds of junk like this.
Crow: Yeah.
Joel: Well, what do you think of this week's experiment, you guys? As if I care?
Dr. F: You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...
Dr. F: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Madam Sousatzka.
Dr. F: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Madam Sousatzka!
Dr. F: Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.
Frank: Madam Sousatzka! Is it?
Dr. F: Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.
Frank: Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.



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