||Rocket Attack USA
Servo: God bless Joel and Gypsy...
Crow: And all the aliens that have visited the ship...
Joel: Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. When you've got a job like ours, you have to believe in a higher power.
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign.
Servo: And God bless Data and his really cool robot named Lal.
Crow: And R2-D2 and all the extras in Westworld.
Servo: And Robocop, even though I thought he had a raw deal, but it's really none of my business. Oh, and all of those early versions that were just there for comic relief.
Crow: And uh, Ed 209. Though I don't know why they'd make a robot that can't walk down stairs.
Servo: And God bless Cherry 3000!
Crow: Oh, yeah! And God bless Galaxena!
Joel: Okay, and who else?
Servo: Do we have to?
Crow: I don't want to.
Joel: Yeah, you have to.
Crow and Servo: God bless Tweaky.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... Commercial Sign now.
Joel: C'mon, we have to pray for them. If we can pray for them, we can pray for anybody.
Crow: I don't wanna pray for the Mad Scientists.
Servo: Yeah, Joel. Why do we have to pray for them?
Joel: Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen.
Dr. F: We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us. Isn't that right, Frank?
Frank: Don't look at me! I said never look at me! Mommy! Mommy!
Dr. F: Frank, calm down. It's time for the Invention Exchange again, Joel. And we'll go first because we've got a party to go to later. Well, this summer's fashions cry out with jubilant, 2-inch armor plating... saucy turrets and shells-a-plenty. Can really clear the beaches this summer with our new Tank Tops.
Frank: That's right. The best beach party ever was the one at Normandy. Beach blanket bingo... Eeeyukaaeeee! ...is now beach blanket bombing with the latest in fashion artillery.
Dr. F: That's right. Shelling on the beach takes on a whole new meaning. Let's get in position, Frank. Ready, aim, fire! Well, let's see how we've done.
Frank: Hey, wait a minute... I can hear the war!
Dr. F: Knock that off.
Frank: Oh... D'oh...
Dr. F: Now look at here. Look, there's still a little red. I'm sorry, I can't give you the bear.
Frank: Damn. Why, why...?
Dr. F: Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Boy we sure think differently, thank goodness.
Joel: You know. You know, you guys took something fun and made it evil where as I took something evil and I'm making it fun. Check it out, it's the Tickle Bazooka, allright? It's for those times when a normal tickle...
Servo: Ah. Hey.
Joel: ...isn't enough. I based it on the pundits Far Side Theater once spoke: "Fighting's out of style. Fun's where the fear is."
Joel: See, it's got a Feather Bayonet for hand-to-hand tickling...
Crow: Ahahahaocucucut it out!
Joel: Okay. And then if you really want to have some big blast of ballistic hilarity, there's the Mirth Mortar. Let me show you.
Servo: Brace yourself.
Crow: Head for cover.
Joel: What do you think?
Frank: That is so neat! We could base a whole party around that. We could all get in our fuzzy beanie pajamas and jump up and down on the bed.
Dr. F: Look, the only party we're going to is the one where we dance on your grave.
Frank: Oh, will I be invited?
Dr. F: You'll be the guest of honor!
Dr. F: Now you tell them about the movie. I gotta to get out of this thing; I'm chafing like a bear.
Frank: Well Joel, this week's movie is called Catalina Caper and it is... delightful. It's a veritable feel-good movie, a light-hearted romp, a triumph of the human spirit! Thank you, Tommy Kirk, for making us laugh about love... again. And it's got a great theme song. You're gonna love it! Never ever, ever...
Dr. F: Frank! Incoming!
Frank: ...steal anything wet! Never steal anything wet! Eeeyukaaeeee!
Joel: Oh! Movie Sign!
Crow: Joel, could you tell us about this thing called the 60's?
Servo: Yeah, I'm amused and fascinated by such an environment that the beautiful Creepy Girl existed in.
Joel: Well I was just a little kid when it happened, but I can tell you guys what I remember.
Crow: Well yeah you're so much older than you're younger than that now.
Joel: Yeah whatever, Crow. Anyway, Cambot, could you run that music? Yeah, cool. Okay.
Joel: Well it was a lot simpler time back then. You know? Like, I'll give you an example. Like it wasn't uncommon at all for your mom to come and serve you a great big, charred-broiled steak while she smoked and...
Joel: ...uh, drank a Tab and made up your dad another manhattan for the road. And that was just breakfast!
Servo: Oh, go on!
Joel: Yeah, there were seatbelts in cars but nobody used them, pre-sweetened cereals, subliminal messages, people smoked openly on the Tonight Show!
Crow: Tell us about the Rat Pack again.
Joel: As you know, Frank Sinatra was Chairman of the Board and everybody else filed on in line. Except for Jerry Lewis. He had had a falling out with Dean Martin and they had already chosen Joey Bishop to be their comic relief already so he was kind of outta luck. But Dean was tall and tan and quick with a song and he just had to say the word and coo-coo chicks would file on up to the hospitality suite and massage Peter Lawford's neck and make everybody groovy drinks while they took important phone calls from places like the Palm Springs and um, the White House! Until it was time for Frank Sinatra, the Chairman of the Board, to come out of the sauna and he'd say the words and the dollies would go take a nap.
Servo: How illustrous. Oh, tell us about the rabbits, Joel.
Crow: Yeah, that's a good one.
Joel: Oh, the rabbits. Okay. Meanwhile, in the Windy City, um... Hugh Hefner was cooking up his own groovy scene in the aptly-named Playboy Mansion.
Crow: Oh, wow.
Joel: It was George Kennedy and George Hamilton and Tony Curtis and Bill Bixby were all in his court. Sophisticated men who knew their racket...
Crow: I think you're swingin' into high!
Joel: Yeah, anyway there was, um... like Twiggy and Abbie and Peter, Paul, and Mary, Deon, Dunnovan, uh um... Melanie, uh um... Abraham, Martin, and John.
Crow: So they just went by their first names like that?
Joel: Yeah, like you, Crow!
Joel: And there were typewriters but nobody used them and women were called girls!
Joel: Businessmen wore double-breasted suits, had double-chins, drank double-bourbons straight, no chaser. Before, during, and after important business meetings and uh, summit talks! Everybody believed what the President said. Why shouldn't they? Sexually provocative humor wasn't on TV, it was on cocktail napkins and we liked it that way! Toys had metal edges and little pieces uh, that were breakable...
Crow: Tie-dye shirts.
Servo: Why can't you be like everyone else and just remember the good things about the 60's?
|Joel: ...and would fit into your mouth. They would take and make playground equipment out of stainless steel then haul it up onto asphalt where you could get hurt. Parents were actually told to spank their kids! Why my mom actually made me go and get the belt. You know, in front of company and that was really frustrating 'cause once they made me take a bath in the front yard!
||Servo: Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel!
Crow: Yeah, like Woodstock!
Joel: Oh, the Woodstock. Great. Okay. "No, Joel! You can't go to Woodstock. You're nine years old. We're going to the opening of the new Century store. Oh yeah, in Echo Lake. Three days of peace, love, and pizza rolls. We're gonna buy you a shopping cart for your birthday, Joel."
Servo: Uh, Joel's in a lot of pain.
Joel: "Oh, boy."
Servo: We'll be right back.
Joel: "Peter Max moved freely among men. There were..." Oh, did I mention there were drugs at that time?
Joel: And then...
Servo: Creepy Girl, oh Creepy Girl, little Creepy Girl.
Joel: Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look!
Servo: Oh, it's Creepy Girl, Joel. I've just met a girl named Creepy Girl. And suddenly, I find...
Crow: I smell a song comin' on!
Servo: Oh, Creepy. Lyle Wagner's a total jerk, second only to Tommy Kirk. Could you find it in your heart to love a 'Bot like me-e-e? That fishy story you tell always makes me sleepy, but that's just what I get for dating a girl that's cre-e-epy. My Creepy Girl! Oh, C is for the uncertainty of not quite knowing what ethnic group you're from. R is for the gifts you give me every time you smile. The first E is for, uh... well I don't really know, but the second E is really a grammatical thing, otherwise it would be "Crepy Girl," and where would that leave us? The P is definitely not for platonic, and Y? Because I love you! My-y Creepy Girl! Oh, what are you, Creepy Girl? Are you French, Italian, or one of those swarthy Gypsy-types? Hehe. Well, your accent suggests a Romance language, but I can't be sure. Well we can definitely rule out a Germanic language, but it's okay! I'm a 'Bot without a country. All I know is that I love you. I want to shout it from the mountaintops! Uh, but... I'd have to get back down to Earth and actually climb a mountain. Or they could drop me off on a mountain. I don't care! That would be okay! Because I just... need... you! My-y Creepy Girl! Won't you be mi-i-ine? I'll give you scrolls and fish and tinker-toys and wi-i-ine. I'll ditch these guys, if you'll be my Cre-e-epy Girl! Be mi-ine before Mo-ovie Si-i-ign! Woah-ho, ooh-hoo...
Joel: Oh, man. Oh, I think it's the Sarcasm Sequencer.
Crow: Ah! Hey! Ow!
Joel: I'm gonna have to field-strip you, little buddy. Come here for a minute.
Crow: Hey! Ow! That hurt! Gimme that back!
Servo: Hey, neat! I'd like a wing, please!
Joel: The Overlords are calling. Look sharp, you guys.
Frank: Oh, hi Joel! Uh... I just thought you'd like to see what we got going on down here. I think you know everybody. This is Jerry, and that's Sylvia. And you know Joel and the 'Bots, so let's get started and... Oh, Jerry! You haven't even touched your sandwich. It's good stuff. And Sylvia, coffee? Just all you want. Free refills. Hehehehe. Free refill... Well anyway, we're going to have a lot of fun. Ah, so let's get started. We've got fun, easy to plan stuff here. Now, now... Sylvia, back me up on... you know what I'm talking about... this one. Are you with me on this? These guns that are stored underwater? This method with the baggy and the...? It makes no sense! It's totally impractical; it's just out-moded stuff. We have nothing to do. But this product, that I'm giving you the opportunity to get in on here, it's a triple-ply, polycarbonate, re-enforced substrait. As a matter fact, it's the uh... type of material used by the astronauts on "It's About Time." It's a very...
Dr. F: Well, Fred! Fred, how's our little venture doing?
Frank: I'm not Fred.
Dr. F: Oh, whatever.
Frank: Oh, well... It's, uh...
Dr. F: Don't mind me, I'm just going to sit in and observe.
Dr. F: Go on with your presentation.
Frank: Oh, okay. Good. Did you get some of that... I think we got some Wisconsin...
Dr. F: No, that's okay.
Frank: ...cheese log there. Uh, try, I'm going to just... Same thing with him. Okay uh, we got, uh... Oh, this is uh, for storing uh, hand grenades. Uh... This is perfect! It fits on... And we got the gelatin that stores at three. And look, it fits perfectly! I... It just... Okay and we have here this salad. It's fruit salad, stays perfectly well, never... Oh, well. Here, let me just, just take and put that there. This is even better here. This will stay right on there. There's no... Here, let me just take that... There... With the thing and we put the... Oh, maybe I should do a joke. Did you ever notice how the Mole Men and the thing and the other thing, with the... put the...
Dr. F: Frank?
Dr. F: Frank?
Dr. F: Why don't you uh, just pack it all in here. It's uh, it's okay. Why don't we just start cleaning up? I uh... I uh... give you points for your little party here but uh...
Frank: You're going to hurt me, aren't you?
Dr. F: No, Frank. I give you a...
Frank: You're going to be mean to me!
Dr. F: No, I'm not. Why do you pull away?
Frank: You're going to be mean. You're going to hurt me and it's going to be humiliating. It's going to hurt and stuff.
Dr. F: Look, look Frank. You, you've got a lot to learn about being a Mad Scientist and, and... You know, I... I think I'll buy one of your melon ballers. I...
Frank: Well, actually, there's some melon right up there. That'll be...
Dr. F: Frank! Frank's going to be having a little pain. We'll be right back.
Joel: Man, that was a really confusing movie, wasn't it?
Crow: Well no, um... Not really. I'd only have one question, actually.
Servo: Well what's that, Crow?
Crow: What the sam-hill was going on?
Joel: Well which part of the movie did you have a hard time with?
Crow: Well I was doing okay until the opening credits ended, and then I thought it was a cartoon with really good animation.
Servo: You know, I'm confused too. The only thing that made sense to me was that darling Creepy Girl. I can't seem to get her out of my mind. Ooh-hoo... My-y-y-y!
Joel: Uh, Tom?
Servo: Creepy Girl!
Servo: My Creepy Girl!
Joel: Stop the music! Cambot, cut it out!
Servo: Oh. Sorry.
Joel: Uh... Very good, Mr. Tommy Servo tune, there. I had a feeling this was going to happen with this, so on the way back from the Theater on the spiral end down... Could you skooch over a bit there?
Crow: Oh, excuse me.
Joel: I took the liberty of making this chart of the film, okay? So we could figure it out a lot better.
Servo: Ooh, ooh.
Joel: Yeah, great. Thank you, you spinach-chins. Anyway, this is going to make us all fell better. So let me just start explaining it; we can help each other. Okay, act one. Uh, the Alan Sherman want-to-be in the Crayola hat, that's this guy down here, steals the "scroll" from Pegboard Mansion. Okay uh, Tom?
Servo: Oh, then he hands it off to the Louis Nye guy, the Billy deWolf want-to-be with the Jim Backus mouth and the upright wife aboard the fittest ship in the Navy!
Crow: Oh, I remember now! Upgrade wife drew a fake of it which they planned to pawn off on uh, Mr. Vanopolis.
Joel: Okay, Slamdancecosmopolis!
Servo: Do the Wormacropolis!
Crow: Would you two Stopolis.
Joel: Okay now. Then Lockjaw Jim Backus and uh Crayola Head here get in a big plastic hassle with Lyle Wagner and the script or the scroll ends up going south.
Servo: Whoa hold on, Joel. You're getting way ahead of yourself. What about Tommy Kirk meeting the Creepy Girl and the boat and the sensitive sililoquy about the little fishies?
Crow: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're both forgetting to mention that all the singing and dancing with Little Richard tripped up on goofballs.
Joel: Well, let's say... Hold it!
Servo: Well what the heck did that have to do anything? The whole plot hinged on the relationship between the Creepy Girl and Tommy Kirk.
Joel: No, listen. The whole emotional thrust of the second act was when Lockjaw throws the hullabaloo-come-treasure hunt to get the scroll back in his possession.
Crow: No, come on. No, wait about... What about the dysfunctional relationship that the kid who looked like Jim Baker... You know, c'mon... Uh, shared with Billy deWolf and Jim Begg? I thought that was the emotional center of the film!
Servo: Yeah, what about it?
Joel: If anything, Crow, that was the emotional Tootsie Center of the film! Man, I'm peed off.
Crow: Not fair.
Joel: I'm going to go get the letters.
Servo: Uh, Joel? Joel! Joel. The letter's right there on the desk. Geeminy.
Joel: Allright, okay.
Servo: Read that letter there.
Crow: You okay?
Joel: I'm trying to calm down.
Servo: C'mon now.
Joel: Okay. Oh, this is... this is great. I'm sorry it got kinda crazy there.
Servo: So am I.
Joel: This is a really neat letter. Let's put it up on the screen there, Cambot. It says, "Dear Joel, Tom Sirvo [sic], Gypsy, Cambot and of course, Crow, We think this may be a first for your show... We met, we spent time together, and fell in love watching MST-3000 and now we're getting married."
Servo: Aww. Aww!
Servo: Aww, that's wonderful!
Joel: "We're hoping you can make it to the nuptual festivities, but if the..." sci... "...evil scientists won't let you guys off, please send a picture of Crow for us to keep..."
Joel: "...and cherish as a precious reminder. Tell Crow the door is ajar." Okay.
Joel: And here... Put this up, Cambot. And here is the wedding announcement. We're gonna have to block out some of this so...
Crow: Like their names.
Joel: ...we don't get a bunch of MSTies there.
Crow: It's the Trumps!
Crow: And it's in New York!
Servo: And it's in an open park!
Joel: I think that was super-cute... cool, and really romantic.
Servo: Yeah, isn't romance wonderful?
Servo: Hit it, Cambot!
Servo: Ooh-hoo! Creepy Girl! Oh, Creepy Girl, my eyes pour out to you in heaves and droves and... iridescent shapes and stars through the sky, but I don't care anymore, Creepy Girl! I got hit in the head with a crowbar and I just don't see straight anymore. All I know is, I love you.
Dr. F: Bad movie, and a good fruit salad! Now push the Button, Martha Stewart.
Frank: Never, ever, ever steal anything...!
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