Joel: Hey everybody. Welcome to the experiment.
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 15 seconds.
Joel: We're playing hide-and-seek with the elusive and inexplicable forces which control the universe.
Servo: We're still safe because the cosmic universe has its eyes closed, and it's counting to 6.02 times ten to the twenty-third.
Crow: I wanted to play hopscotch with the impenetrable mystery of existence, but he stepped in a wormhole and had to go in early.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... Commercial Sign now.
Joel: We'll be right back.
Joel, Crow and Servo: 97... 98... 99... 100.
Joel: Ready or not, here we exist. Oh, look, the cosmic universe isn't even tryin' to hide!
Joel: Oh, and the feckless ubermenches are flexing their zeitgeists again!
Crow and Servo: Huh?
Joel: The scientists, barking down my snorkel!
Crow and Servo: Oh.
Frank: Okay, this is how it goes down: there's the chorus, and then you come in after the bridge. Legato! Huh-huh. Can you dig it? Okay, and then I start swingin' like it ain't nobody's business. That is, if my chops are in shape. Huh. You know, chops? Da-da-da-da-da-la-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da. Forget it. Joel, what can I do for ya?
Joel: What are you talking about? You called us!
Frank: Oh, that's right, I called you. I think you're supposed to do the invention exchange.
Joel: Okay, this is my invention exchange. It's called the Radio Arm Saw. And it's based on the premise that carpenters, for the longest time, would have apprentices that studied under them and do some of the more mundane work, and now a lot of young people go right into the fast food industry. So, none of the carpenters can afford them, except for maybe Bob Villa. But what this has is a circular saw that I bolted onto a remote control car. All right? You can pan it back now, Cambot, we'll show it. Now what we got here is a board, okay. I rev up the car, okay, there it's going. It's kinda loud now, so just try to pay attention anyway. And it drives right across... like that. And it saws the board right in two!
Frank: What's so great about that?
Joel: It's based on the premise that the further you are away from the saw, the better off you're gonna be. Ah!
Frank: Oh, ha ha... huh?!
Servo: Oh, come on, shake it off, Joel. You're okay. It could happen to anybody.
Crow: You okay Joel?
Joel: No, it's all hot and it hurts an' stuff.
Frank: Well, that doesn't look OSHA-inspected or anything. But anyway, right now Dr. Forrester is gonna jam with our new invention. Right, sir?
Dr. F: That's right, thank you, Frank. Now earlier today, Joel, I removed my own head and fused it to the bell of this baritone sax. When Frank blows into the mouthpiece, I wail.
Frank: That's right. I press the valve down here... the music goes 'round and 'round... whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh! ...and it comes out here.
Dr. F: Yes, I call this little invention "Dr. Sax". Now I'd like to play for you some of my favorite John Coltrane charts. An evil supreme...an evil supreme... an evil supreme... Well whatta you think?
Joel: You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
Frank: Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.
Dr. F: Thank you, Frank. Well Joel, your movie this week is proceeded by a little piece of tripe that's very close to my own heart. It's called "The Phantom Creeps" and it stars our old friend Bela Lugosi as a lovable but fractured mad scientist. Bad print, bad sound, bad for you. Deal with it, joyless prole.
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Joel: All right, welcome to "Bela's Okay Discoveries." My name's Joel. A product that can make anything explode? We'll see it on today's show. Then we'll be showing you how to turn your neighbor's house into rubble. But that's in the second segment. Now, introduce my guests, Tom Servo and Crow!
Servo: Oh, thanks everybody and g'day to you, Joel. Now what we have here...can we pan over and get a little look at these? Down here; it's called the Phantom Creep. Now, it's been in use in Britain for years, but not many people in the States know anything about them.
Joel: Looks like kind of a spider. Ha ha.
Crow: Yeah, that's right. Now let's take a look at this shirt here that we've prepared ahead of time. It's been smeared with axle grease, a little blood, some chocolate, and a little polycoenated bytheonal.
Joel: Ooh, I know Cambot and I wouldn't want that to happen to us!
Servo: Okay, so what we want you to do is to attach one of those disks there that you have in your hand.
Joel: This disk? That's it ? I love it! Okay, how much would you pay?
Crow: Uh, we're not there yet.
Servo: Okay, so we attach the disk to the shirt, and we bring in our little Phantom Creep. There it goes, can you see?
Crow: Can you see? There it goes.
Servo: Right in there, and... BANG!
Joel: I love it!
Servo: It's a nice thing, isn't it?
Crow: Okay, now quickly Joel... Joel... Joel, now grab that satellite dish there, right behind you... there you go, you see what he's doing?
Servo: This is amazing, people, absolutely amazing. Now watch.
Crow: Okay, take the dish... now, rub some black dirt in it, just some ordinary black dirt...
Servo: You can take it right off the shirt there.
Joel: But this is... I can't, this is my satellite! C'mon, you guys!
Crow: Oh, it'll be fine. It's okay, I promise.
Joel: But it's right of the Satellite of Love. Okay, just like that?
Crow: Okay. Now, everyone know the side facing the sun takes a real beating, I mean it's 4000 degrees out there! The other side: no sun, over there. Now what happens when I stand over here?
Joel: Uh, you're out of the sun?
Crow: That's right, it's ice cold over here. We take a little disk, put it right in the center...
Servo: And, watch... BANG!
Joel: That's fantastic! Okay, I love it. My heart says "Yes," but my heart says "How much?"
Servo: Okay, now Joel, now if you were to sneak into a mad scientist's lair to buy all this, it would cost you well into the millions, wouldn't it?
Crow: That's right, Servo. Right, the genetic engineering alone would run hundreds of thousands of dollars... not to mention the arachno-pyrotechnics.
Joel: All right, you sold me. I'm a hard sell. Come on, let's make a deal. Make it better.
Servo: Okay, now I'm glad you asked us that, we're gonna sweeten the deal a little bit for you here. Now, we're gonna throw in the napalm spider.
Joel: Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's this right here? Right. Now, is that jelly gasoline?
Servo: Oh, it's not just jelly gasoline, Joel, but a highly effective anti-personnel device.
Joel: Mm-hmm, I see. But what's the deal, there's like three spiders.
Crow: Well, we've got the napalm spider, the defoliant spider, and mint.
Joel: All right, but can't you make it just a little bit better, come on!
Crow: Joel, Joel, we're businessmen.
Servo: All right, all right. I'll tell you what we're going to do, since you're a friend of ours. We're going to throw in... oh, grab that tray down there, will you?
Crow: There he is.
Servo: My arms are inoperative, so I can't grab it.
Crow: He's grabbin' the tray, there we go.
Joel: Is this what we're talkin' about? Looks like a really big spider!
Servo: Well, that's the grandaddy of all the explosive spiders, Joel. This one could take out whole city blocks. Now, where's that disk Crow?
Crow: Well, Servo, the amazing thing is that I've slipped that lightweight disk into Joel's pocket.
Joel: And he's right, it really is comfortable. I'll take it.
Joel, Crow and Servo: AHH!!!
Dr. F: I like this "Phantom Creep" bit. Reagan's deregulation of television really pays off.
Frank: If you've got your charge card out, I'd like to get the Snackmaster thing.
Dr. F: Well, as you know, Joel, the torture never stops around here.That's what you get from hanging out with guys like us...one more bad film. No no no no no no no, don't pass out on me now! Go ahead, put in the tape, Frank. Taste my steel, pasty boy! Uh, after this.
Servo: Joel, so what's the deal with those 'magic binocular' things we've been seeing?
Joel: Oh, that's an old cinematic device that filmmakers of old used to use to kinda teach the viewers that they were looking through binoculars even though if you look through binoculars, it looks just like a movie screen.
Crow: And so then they just run totally unrelated stock footage of animals, right, and not even at the same altitude?
Servo: Or creatures not even indigenous to the area?
Joel: Yeah, right. In fact, Cambot came all set-up with such things... they're called gobos if you want to see them. Gobos are matte box effects for film. Okay, you wanna try it?
Servo: Oh so we'll just sit here and act as the brunt of your little visual joke?
Joel: Yeah, that's right, something like that.
Crow and Servo: Okay...
Joel: Okay, the first one is called the binocular...
Crow: Hey -- get us, we're a piece of stock footage!
Joel: All right... and this one... is the keyhole scope...
Crow: You know, you're the only man for me Servo...
Servo: Oh, Crow!
Joel: This is the high-powered scope-scope...
Servo: And so ze French prime minister shall receive the crown... oh look out!
Crow: Bsh! Bsh!
Joel: This is the periscope scope...
Crow: I don't care how you do it, you MUST sink the Bismarck!
Joel: And also the Driving Miss Daisy scope...
Servo: Might as well be walkin' as drivin' this slow, Miss Daisy!
Crow: Just watch where you're goin'!
Joel: Okay, this here is the microscope...
Servo: Go ahead Crow, you can imitate a one-celled animal better than I can.
Crow: I'm an amoeba!
Joel: It's starting to look more like the Sammy Davis Jr. scope... Okay, this is the Lucy scope...
Crow: Aaaawww, Ricky... turns out I was never funny... aaawwww!
Joel: Okay, the small intestine scope...
Servo: Oh, I feel so funky...I need soothing and coating.
Joel: This is the Jose Feliciano scope...
Servo: Huh? Huh?
Crow: Chico... don't get discouraged.
Joel: All right, this is the Family Circus scope...
Servo: Okay, who broke my vase?
Crow: Not me!
Joel: Okay, followed by the Jack o' Lantern scope...
Joel: The glaucoma scope...
Crow and Servo: What?
Joel: And if you want to get really fancy you can add the Family Circus scope with the glaucoma scope and get the Hubble scope...
Joel: Followed by the Pope scope...
Crow and Servo: What? Huh?
Joel: And the Scopes Monkey Trial scope... otherwise known as Inherit the Wind-o-Rama...
Crow and Servo: Huh?
Joel: The ever popular nope scope!
Crow and Servo: Oh brother! Come on!
Joel: And then, finally, Movie Sign-o-scope...
Servo: Oh, Movie Sign!
Explorer 1: Would you stop that. STOP IT! We're not sure if we don't understand them yet.
Joel: What in the Sam Scratch is that noise?
Servo: It sounds like a mosquito about the size of your head just got sucked in through the access ports.
Crow: Oh, don't be absurd, a mosquito couldn't live in a vacuum. Hey, there's a ship coming into range.
Joel: Hey, Cambot give us Rocket Number Nine, let's see what it looks like...Hey, that's no Mosquito; the British stopped using those at the end of the war.
Servo: Hey look, something's coming in on the Hexfield Viewscreen.
Explorer 2: Sorry, Sorry.
Joel: Hey what do you guys want?
Explorer 2: We want to shoot you.
Explorer 1: Hey, stop that. Stop it! You can't shoot through a viewscreen.
Explorer 2: Oh sorry, sorry.
Explorer 1: Let me. Uh, hello, greetings insignificant life forms, uh, we come baring gifts, beads, trinkets, uh, coke bottles, accessories...
Explorer 2: And bullets!
Servo: Uh, Joel, what the heck do they want?
Explorer 1: Actually, uh, our needs are rather simple, I, uh, brought a little... Brought a little list, uh...All we need is, uh, ah here it is: mineral rights, woman, property, scalps, food, clothing, it's the standard list, uh, oh and we also want the, uh, cute one's head.
Crow: Uh, that must be you Joel.
Servo: Yeah, definitely Joel.
Joel: Hey, quiet you guys, we're talking to an alleged higher life-form, whatever that means.
Explorer 2: That's us.
Explorer 1: Right, now if you could just pop that stuff over to our ship we'd greatly appreciate it. Oh, I brought a little treat for you, too. Uh, the magic fire stick.
Explorer 1: Also the ball in the cup trick, uh...
Explorer 2: We've also brought TB, smallpox, and, uh, the widowmaker.
Explorer 1: Stop that, you idiot. Now, Mr. Joel...
Explorer 1: You are a white man with strange-looking slave types...
Crow and Servo: Hey!
Explorer 1: Why haven't you exploited them yet?
Explorer 2: Or at least shot them.
Joel: Hey, listen you two, these two 'slave types' happen to be my friends, and I don't know where you two get off waltzing around geo-synchronous orbit trying to throw your white male weight around. You got another thing coming, you're messin' with the Satellite of Love.
Explorer 1: I see. Did you enjoy the turrine? The rodichio was picked fresh... Kill them.
Servo: Oh, brother!
Explorer 2: I WILL kill him!
Joel: Man, we've got to stop giving our address out.
Joel: You know that...
Chrous: There was a bungle in the jungle that caused a real big fright. Someone was made a goddess and she happened to be white. But then she was rescued and now she's in the States. She's just your average housewife a-cleanin' up the place. My-my-my-my My White Goddess!
Joel: Well, you can just tell them if they're not going to worship me, I'm not going to join their PTA!
Crow: Hi, honey, I'm home.
Joel: Oh, how was work today?
Crow: Boy, it's a jungle out there!
Joel: Well, aren't you gonna bow down and kiss my feet?
Crow: Hey, you may be queen of the jungle, but I wear the khakis around here! Hey, what's this mess?!
Joel: Oh, it's our neighbor, that friend of yours.
Crow: Bill? Did he go on another wild shooting spree?
Joel: I'll say he did, and this time he went too far! He went and shot up my crock pot. I'm not going to be able to make dinner!
Crow: Well, I told ya he wasn't such a bad guy!
Joel: I wish that man would learn how to use the doorbell!
Servo: Hello, everybody!
Crow: Ooohhh, will you cut that out!
Joel: Oh, now stop it you two! Stop it! Would you settle down! Mr. and Mrs. Mubutu are on their way over here to play bridge!
Servo: What! Where? ...Maybe it'll be three card monty now.
Joel: Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Mubutu, that we shot your husband! What were his last words?
Gypsy: Mubutu, mubutu, mubutu.
Crow: What did she say?
Servo: Sounded like "Mubutu, mubutu, mubutu."
Joel: Well, that's one native that's not going to be restless tonight!
Crow: Baby, you're a goddess!
Joel: Mmmm, how sweet it is! Tom Servo! Art Crow! Sheila McGypsy! The Miami Beach audiences are the greatest audiences in the world! Good night, everybody!
Frank: Hahahahahahahahahahaha... Hahahahahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
Dr. F: Frank!
Frank: Oh, that was funny, man. That was funnier than "Occasional Wife", even funnier than "CPO Sharkey."
Dr. F: Listen, you hockey puck, they've got letters to read.
Frank: Oh, okay.
Joel: Sure. I've got 'em right here. I really appreciate you scientists faxing them up here. But this one is from Margaret Bannister, okay? And show that on the still-store, Cambot.
Servo: Oh, she's sweet!
Joel: See that cute picture there and everything?
Joel: "Dear Joel: I like your movies. You're really funny. I'm five years old." Really everything you want to know about people when they write.
Crow and Servo: Yeah.
Joel: "Crow is really funny..."
Crow: Thank you.
Joel: "...and Tom is, too."
Servo: Thank you.
Joel: And I don't know, she must have forgot about you, Gypsy.
Joel: But I'm sure she...
Servo: She thinks you're funny, too.
Joel: I'm sure she would think you're funny, too. And she sent us actually two pictures along with a photo... put that one on, Cambot.
Servo: That's really nice.
Joel: And then we got this one, too, which I really like... I thought it's kinda cool how she just drew us black 'cause she didn't know what the bottom of our bodies looked like.
Servo: That's imagination for ya.
Joel: But, there, you see...
Servo: Yup, there it is!
Crow: Yeah, that's what it looks like.
Servo: Gee, I'm undressing now.
Joel: Well, I guess that ends the experiment, sirs. I hope you enjoyed the skits and stuff that we did.
Servo: Uh, Joel, can I say the address, please?
Joel: Oh, yeah, you better do that.
Servo: Send your letters, drawings, and whatever to the Mystery Science Theater Information Club; P.O. Box 5325; Hopkins, MN; the zip code is 55343. Keep 'em coming!
Joel: Right, and I guess that ends the experiment, sirs.
Dr. F: Well, very nice, clambake.
Frank: Well, very nice, clambake.
Dr. F: Until next time, Joelyree...
Frank: Until next time, Joelyree...
Dr. F: Okay, Frank, push the Button.
Frank: Okay, Frank, push the Button.
Dr. F: What?!
Dr. F: Would you push the Button!
Frank: Would you push the Button!
Dr. F: Just push the Button!
Frank: Just push the Button... Just push the Button...
Dr. F: Oh, God!
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