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201 Rocketship X-M 09/22/90
202 Sidehackers 09/29/90
203 Jungle Goddess 10/06/90



TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS (Where applicable) 202 Sidehackers
Transcripts by TServo81@aol.com
Prologue
Invention
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
202.wav "Hey, Nero. Got problem?" -Sidehacker
"Yeah, Rome's burnin'. Why?" -Joel
95k



Prologue


Joel: Hey, that's the "Navy rub," the kind they give you in the service.
Servo: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Crow: Baby... baby.
Joel: Oh, geez, hi! Boy, it's a really hairy day; I got a load of laundry, and I just got done giving the robots a bath, and I'm about to put them down... then I got to clean up the load pan bay.
Crow: Uh, Servo messed it up.
Servo: No, no, it was both of us; we were having sword fights.
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign.
Crow: This bug ya?
Servo: Ow, stop it! Joel, tell him to stop!
Joel: You guys just gotta take it easy... would you take it easy? You're just over-tired.
Crow: I'm not doin' anything.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in ten seconds.
Joel: I don't wanna hear another peep out of you two, all right?
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in five... four... three... two... one...
Crow and Servo: Peep!
Joel: All right, that's it!
Servo: Good one, Crow.
Crow: Nice.


Invention


Servo: I know you are, but what am I?
Crow: Ah, you're another one!
Servo: I know you are, but what am I?
Crow: You're dumb.
Servo: Baby! Baby!
Joel: Listen! Listen! You guys better stop it, or I'm gonna give you both a time out, okay? How does that make you feel?
Servo: Joel, you said we could stay up for the movie.
Crow: Yeah, that's what we're designed for.
Servo: Yeah!
Joel: Listen, okay, if you're really, really good, you can stay up for the movie. Okay?
Servo: Okay, we'll be really good.
Crow: Yeah, we promise... not!
Joel: Okay, look sharp, the Mad Scientists are calling.
Dr. F: Good, okay. Now, do you have that prism-lense effect? That fly eye thing we talked about? Uh, you know, like the beginning of "Family Affair"? That kind of thing. We'll do that here. All right? Well, Joel, we're just tidying up down here a bit. Let's just get right to the invention exchange this week, whatta ya say? Have at it.
Crow and Servo: We're gonna watch the movie! We get to watch the movie! Hey!
Joel: C'mon, cut it out, you guys. I want you to turn off the lights, you spinach chins. I wan to show them Gretchen the Slinky, okay? That's better. Well, some exciting things have been going on here on the Satellite of Love. I realized that if you gave the right chemical bath to a slinky and then exposed it to some ultra-violet light, some interesting things would happen. I wanna show you Gretchen the Slinky. Hey, Gretchen, wake up! There you go, see? She's doing really good, that's right. She likes to be around people. Come on. Hey, c'mon. You want something to eat? I got some carpet for ya. You like carpet, don't ya? You don't like it? Oh, c'mon, have some carpet, yeah, that's good. Yeah, she loves carpet. You want some more? Come on, there's more, finish it up. Okay. Now let's show 'em what slinkies do when they sleep, okay? Okay, I'm gonna show them how you sleep, okay? Just hang you up like this. See, they rock themselves like that, okay. Do one last thing for them, Gretchen, okay? All right, I want you to do one last thing. I want you to do your impression of the 60s, okay? On the count of three, all right? One... two... three! Do your impression of the 60s. That's good, all right. Cool.
Frank: That is adorable! I wish I had one of those. Must be kinda hard to take care of, I bet. I remember when I was a kid, once, I had this slinky; I put it on the escalator...
Dr. F: Frank!
Frank: Oh, here comes Dr. Forrester now with his invention.
Dr. F: Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!
Dr. F: We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue! Tell 'em, Frank.
Frank: That's right. We're evil... EVIL! ...Those are just the most delightfully cute creatures; I want one like that. I want a little critter just like that. I'm gonna go to the Hasbro Humane Society...
Dr. F: Frank!
Frank: Huh?
Dr. F: Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.
Frank: That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.
Dr. F: Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!
Frank: Yes, that's right. It's bad.
Dr. F: But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.
Frank: It's bad.
Dr. F: It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!
Joel: Oh, Movie Sign!
Joel, Crow and Servo: Ahh!!!


Segment 2


Joel: All right, well. We've got a really neat treat for you guys. We worked on some heavy charts about sidehackin'. Cambot, I want you to run that race footage in there? On the, chromakey. Okay, you guys... vamp. Yeah, I'm trapped up in outer space. Sometimes my life feels like a big pile of nothin'. So what? Word. I live with it. Dig it. But anyway, we and my bloods would like to wail out a song about our friends, the sidehackers. Goes like this:
Servo: One, two. One, two, three, four.
Joel: Sidehackin' is the thing to do when it doesn't hurt to have a low IQ. Take a life you like and a little love. The big bang prize is twenty-five bucks. Sidehackin'll quench your danger thirst. The stupid ones always seem to come in first, yeah. Sidehackin' is one big bash; the favorite sport of cheap white trash. When you're on your sidehack, make sure you don't slip; you'll end up with five metal pins in your hip. Lean way back 'til you scrape your butt; make it look like a quarter-pound of ground chuck, yeah. Oh, sidehack it, Crow!
Servo: Whoo! Oh, go, Crow!
Joel: It's a sport that attracts a lot of racing fools. A lot of people get hurt 'cause there are no rules. All you need is a toxic landfill, a cycle and a sidecar and an urge to kill. Better get with the sport 'cause it won't last long; the founders of this sport are laid at Forest Lawn.


Segment 3


Crow: Joel, what happened? Where'd the sidehacking go?
Servo: Yeah, where'd it go? We like it.
Joel: Well, you guys gotta understand; it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few?
Servo: Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing...
Crow: And computations and Australian Rules Football.
Joel: Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?
Crow: Uh, rudimentary interest factor.
Servo: A sense of fair play.
Crow: A small measure of self-esteem?
Servo: Yeah.
Joel: Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it. So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage.
Crow: It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a teenage coed prison...
Servo: Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous yank me crank me...
Joel: That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the swirly... oh no... could that have been gunk-out, Crow?
Crow: Thanks, Joel... I think that was more of a spinning love funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College...
Servo: Oh my goodness... Its a lineback, a slowburn & a hop, skip & a gold flame with a finches... with an itchy gorilla! An itchy gorilla!
Joel: Uh oh! Here comes the Big Blue Flamer followed by Tea Time Richard Scary, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just-Plain-Stupid!
Crow: Its an exciting day indeed here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park... but what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Reilly attempting the teenage wasteland on the haydee hidey ho side of the track?
Servo: From the darker side of the street come the Cat Snappler, Maynard & Elanore, K.C.'s Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine...
Joel: Meet you on the Dark Side of the Moon, its the Ghostly Trio followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate!
Crow: Oh oh! Hold onto your epidermis! Its Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied leaky teen!
Servo: Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Batman and the Costumed Creme-De-Menthe are going crinkle cut and somebody's got to pay... but uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man screaming "hey world, check me out!"
Joel: Hand me a Hoover, its Raspberry Connie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a butterscotch push with a frunky, frunky, frunky!
Crow: Oh... Ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Lock in their Fin Toozler? There's Electra Woman and Dyna Girl in the George Barris custom show rod bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy-tune on the side!
Servo: I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen... Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with "A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich"! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God, your helmet smells good...
Joel: Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the sidehacking clown performing his famous tension envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cause remember kids, he who smelled it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper!
Crow: Well, its been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucy's and a woozle who's name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit... We'll be at the Nineteenth Quadrant attempting a grass grinder and ground grass is a mulch & mulch is good for your lawn...
Servo: Huh?
Joel: That oughta' hold 'em... Ohhhh!! We got Movie Sign!!!


Segment 4


Crow: Boy, that Rommel guy is really cool. I wish we could be more like him.
Joel: Yeah, well, we can never be him; all we can do is try and emulate him and tell others the good news about Rommel. I read his book, you know. He really is a magnificent bastard. And in it, they had the patterns on how to make these super-cool hats. Check 'em out, you guys.
Crow: Gimme, gimme!
Joel: They're really cool, yeah. And there's a lot of neat things... Love is good, yeah. Anyway, there's a lot of neat things you can do as Rommel, like, obviously go sidehacking, you know.
Servo: Or you could take your refrigerator around the world.
Joel: Right, that's a good idea. Or, you can entertain guests at your summer home.
Crow: Yeah, and then there's running through the woods... and rolling down the hills with your best girl, Rita. Ah, Rita!!!
Joel: Oh, man. C'mon, Crow, into every life a little rain must fall. Let's try to concentrate on some of the more positive things here about Rommel.
Servo: Yeah, don't forget about the fun he had playing with his mechanic pal... playing pool... and forget about what happened to... his girl, Rita!
Joel: Oh, you guys, take it easy. There's still a lot of really neat stuff that Rommel did. Like, remember that time he got really crazy and he went into town to raise money to get those killers... crazed killers to go and avenge... the death of his girlfriend Rita!
Servo: Come on, Joel, snap out of it. Crow, quick, think of something to cheer him up. Think of a joke.
Crow: Uh, yeah. Yeah, right. Uh, hey Joel: number eight. Ha ha!
Joel: Oh, I've been too tense, man. That's a good one, that's funny. All right.
Crow: Uh, something coming in on the Viewscreen! ...Uh, that's not a joke.
Servo: No, really, there's a ship coming into range.
Joel: Oh no, you just can't tell 'em the way Crow can.
Crow: No, he's right, Joel. There's a ship coming in...
Joel: Wait a minute, there is a ship out there, and it's got a sidehack on it! ...Hey, who are you?
J.C.: Oh, come on, Rommel, you know who I am. I'm J.C. from the planet Five the Hard Way. Now look, baby, our sensors have indicated that you've been watchin' the sidehack movie, hey, which is cool, man. You know, we were even gonna bring you cats back down to Earth, but then you had to go and be like Rommel!
Servo: Oh, no, we don't wanna be like Rommel.
Crow: No, we don't wanna be like him.
J.C.: Then why are you wearin' those stupid hats, baby?
Joel: I don't know. What do you have against Rommel anyway?
J.C.: I tried to show him the way. I tried to show him the light; I was like a brother to him. Now, Cooch, Cooch, tell me; did I love Rommel? Did I? Huh?
Gooch: That's Gooch!
J.C.: Right, right. Gooch, look, man: I loved him! My own flesh I don't love better! But I wasn't good enough for him. How many times did I ask him to ride with me? He just said "No." I want you to do somethin' for me, Cooch. I want ya to do somethin; I want you to get Rommel for me. Get him, get him, man! Get him!
Gooch: I will!
J.C.: All right, good.
Gooch: I WILL get him.
J.C.: Cool, baby.
Gooch: I will get him.
J.C.: Just get him.
Gooch: I will get...
J.C.: Would you just... go... get! Just get him!
Gooch: I will get him!
Crow: I wonder what they wanted.
Servo: Yeah, I wonder what the heck is goin' on.
Joel: Man, I hate to say it, but for being marooned on a satellite, it's sure gettin' busy around here.
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: That's true. You know, that Rommel guy has a lot on his mind. We're just not the types to be carrying around that psychological pain and that emotional baggage.
Crow: Yeah, you're right. Let's go watch the rest of the movie.
Servo: Yeah.
Joel: There's more movie?


Segment 5


Joel: Oh, brother!
Servo: Boy! What a depressing film!
Crow: Yeah! Talk about nihilism. That's the second film in a row that had the hero die in the end.
Servo: Boy, we're never gonna snap outta this existential dilemma.
Joel: Oh, I was afraid this would happen, so I brought this thing along.
Servo: Joel, why was the movie so BAD?!
Crow: Yeah! It was cool in the beginning with the sidehacking, then it went right down the drain and they had to pad out the rest of the film with all that killing.
Joel: Oh, no, Crow. It wasn't killing that padded out the film.
Crow: Huh?
Joel: Only love pads the film. When stories were young and dreams were not done a sorrow was so far away. A storybook scene with songs to be sung and life... life was just for today.
Servo: Oh, Joel!
Joel: But nothing lasts forever. Only love pads the film. Of all the dreams you'll treasure, only love... love pads the film.
Servo: Joel, may I?
Joel: Please.
Servo: The love that you made were two hearts in one. Our flowers still blow in the wind. Crow?
Crow: You give all you take... A day in the sun... But even the sun must descend.
Joel: Everybody, now. Come on.
Crow: La-la!
Joel, Crow and Servo: But nothing lasts forever.
Gypsy: Forever.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Only love...
Gypsy: Only love...
Joel, Crow and Servo: ...pads the film.
Gypsy: ...pads the film.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Of all the dreams you'll treasured...
Gypsy: Treasured...
Joel, Crow and Servo: Only love...
Gypsy: Only love...
Joel, Crow and Servo: ...love pads the film.
Gypsy: ...pads the film.
Servo: Oh, Gyps'...
Joel: We may... the scientists are calling and now we'd better get going.
Frank: Listen to them up there! They're gonna dance their dear little hearts out. Oh, those poor... I'm gonna bring them down.
Dr. F: Oh, why don't we invite the entire King family in here?
Frank: Oh, The Cowsills and Up With People!
Dr. F: Oh, never mind! Don't you have some letters to read, pink boy?
Joel: Yeah, of course, I got 'em right here. Um, let's see... Cambot, put this one up on the screen. Oh, it's just print, but they should see it anyway. "For Joel, Tom Servo and Crow,"
Crow: Hey!
Joel: "I'm 13 years old and my family loves your show a lot. Every time we watch it, we can't stop laughing."
Servo: Ah.
Joel: "The best I like is the 'nice tag' or the 'nice dive' and the 'Bots' sitcom. 'Well, you might need a calculator' he says." Remember that one? He said twins...
Crow: Oh, yeah, the calculator...
Joel: "And when Tom Servo, Crow, sometimes Gypsy, play when they have to tell something good and play bad about the movie for graham chips." Oh, he thinks they're "graham" chips.
Servo: No, no, no.
Crow: No, not yet.
Joel: But anyway, that's "With laughs, from Chris Tackett." Maybe we can do a good thing and a bad thing about that letter. You got a good thing to say?
Servo: Oh, the good thing is...
Gypsy: RAM chips!
Servo: Oh, I'm just full of love I can't say a bad thing!
Joel: What about you, got a bad thing to say about that letter?
Crow: Uh... the printing's nice.
Joel: Okay... That's a bad thing?
Crow: Uh... yeah.



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