||Moon Zero Two
Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to commercial sign.
Joel: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. My name is Joel and I'm still marooned in space, and if you just tuned in, I guess so are you. We're expecting a call from the nasties who shot us up here any second now.
Magic Voice: Commecial Sign in fifteen seconds.
Joel: Uh, by the way, if you're going to go during the commercial to make a snack, while you're digging in that refridgerator, think of me. Uh, get something delicious and nutricious uh, because I'll be eating vicariously through you.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... Commercial Sign now.
Joel: Be right back, okay.
Joel: Well sirs, the thing that I've been working on is this new way of teleporting food. In the future, they won't have drive-thru windows, they'll have drive-by windows! You'll just drive the car by and they'll teleport the food right into your stomach using something like this. Okay, I put this on, look at an ordinary cookie and... delicious! Mmm-mmm. Now, here we'll try it with a glass of milk. This is the big slurpie-size. Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
Crow: Put it though the hoop, Joel! Cool!
Joel: Try not to look so happy, you guys. Here come the mad scientists, they're calling.
Dr. F: Hello, Joel, my little free-floating vacuum monkey!
Joel: Hey, sirs. What's up?
Dr. E: Well, not my hair! It's all limp and lifeless. I don't know what to do! Just get on with the Invention Exchange. Stop looking at me!
Dr. F: Yes. What have you got for us, Joelerini?
Servo: It went down.
Joel: Mmm... teleportacious! What do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Oh, very nice, Joelly-cakes. Larry, make a note to call James Doohan.
Dr. E: Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. F: Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. E: Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. F: Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. E: And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. F: Well, what do you think, Joelerini?
Joel: Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.
Dr. F and Dr. E: Thaaank you!
Dr. F: Well, your movie today is called "Moon Zero Two". It's a late-60's romp through the then lunar-crazed consciousness of America.
Dr. E: And beleive me, it hasn't stood up to the test of tme!
Dr. F: Stew on the broth of this one, lumpy boy!
Dr. E: Enjoy!
Joel: Oh! We've got Movie Sign!
Servo: On July 22, 1969, a man first set foot on the surface of the Moon. His name: Vince Lombardi. Hehhe... Uh, Neil Armstrong. This is our tribute to astronaut Armstrong and the men that brought him to the Moon. Crow will be playing the part of Neil Armstrong.
Crow: "That's one small step for man..."
Servo: Save it!
Crow: Oh, sorry.
Servo: Joel will play the part of the second man on the Moon, Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin and President John F. Kennedy.
Servo: I will play the part of mission control and astronaut Micheal Collins orbiting the moon.
Servo: Ready? Okay. Cue Joel.
Joel: "Ask not what your country can do for you, rather what you can do for your country."
Servo: It was 1962 and a young president, President John F. Kennedy, makes a bold promise...
Joel: "By the end of this decade we will land a man safely on the moon and return him safely home."
Crow: Not bad, Joel. But you sound a little bit like Cliff from "Cheers". This is my big scene.
Servo: Not quite ten years later. "Thirty feet... two and a half... picking up some dust... 30 seconds... contact light okay... engines stopped... we copy you down, Eagle... Houston... Tranquility Base here... the Eagle has landed... Roger, Tranquility, we copy ya on the ground, we got a bunch of guys down here about to turn blue, we're breathin' again, thanks a lot... thank you..."
Crow: "Okay, I'm on the pad now. I'm jumping off. Now that's one small step for a man... One giant leap for mankind."
Joel: Okay, here I come, I'm coming down out of the module.
Crow: Hey Joel. How come your costume's not very good?
Joel: Well, I had to be the president and Buzz Aldrin, okay?
Joel: Oh, man. Do you have the keys? I just locked ourselves out of the lander.
Crow: What? You what?! Oh, man. That's one small screw-up for you, one giant screw-up for you!
Joel: I'll have to go find that uh, thing.
Servo: Thus ends our pageant.
Joel: I keep thinking about that kinda dumb Moon-opoly joke they got in there. It's just a stupid pun, but in the future, the games we play now are going to be a lot different with the future element involved and all. Like Twister will probably be played on your tongue.
Crow: And Nintendo would be Moon-tendo with the Super Lunar Mario Bros.
Servo: Risk is Riskier.
Joel: Right, and Sorry will seem to be the hardest game.
Crow: And in Clue the answer might be Colonel Mustard in the Command Module with the Laser Bolos... 'cause it's...
Servo: Parcheesy would be Green Cheesey.
Joel: Right. Skittle Bowl would be the same but it would take even longer to set up, 'cause there's not gravity.
Crow: Chutes and Ladders is replaced by vacuum tubes. You know, like in "The Jetsons", 'cause it's the only way the can get around...
Servo: Yeah, Candy Land's the same but you should see the new flavors they've got.
Crow: Kaboom is called Don't Smoke in the Ship Because it's an oxygen-rich atmosphere and uh, You Could Blow up and that Would be...
Joel: And they won't have mice because have to use them for research so you can't play Mouse Trap.
Servo: Etch-a-Sketch will finally be able to draw curved lines, I'll bet.
Crow: And Scrupples aren't around anymore because people won't have any.
Joel: Trivial Pursuit will be Trivial Moon Suit.
Servo: Will, Lose or Draw is called Win, Lose and Draw Oxygen.
Crow: Uh, Password has been replaced by games higher in fiber.
Joel: Well, I've got a game from my past, that's in my present and I think we'll keep going into the future. You know how it goes, guys. It's called Rock'em Sock'em Robots! All right!
Joel: Woah, I knocked his block off, but you can press it back down again. It's Rock'em Sock'em!
Servo: Woah! Movie Sign!
Joel: Movie Sign!
Crow: Boy, Servo. What a great movie! Great actresses, too! I like the babe with the great haircut.
Servo: The one with the Eddie Munster page-boy look? Nah! I like the gator-headed chick!
Crow: The one with the eel-skin skull-cap? No way! Agh!
Servo: Hey watch it, you're talking about the woman I love here! She's got style, she's got looks, she's got a 45 strapped to each thigh and she knows how to use them! She's a darn might better than that twiggy little stick woman you've got your eyes on...
Crow: Hey! What are you saying?
Servo: I'm saying that you thin-limbed, scrawny, empty-headed types seem to stick together so well.
Crow: You wanna piece of me? I'm standing right here! When this is over, you an' me goin' round and round 'Bot-o a 'Bot-o!
Joel: Hey! Come on, you guys. What's going on here? Break it up. What's the problem?
Crow: Stay out of this, Joel. This is between me and the fire plug!
Servo: That's it! That's it! Stand back, Joel! You're using my oxygen. Come on, let's go!
Joel: Listen, if there's gonna be a fight we're going to do it my way!
Servo: Not that...
Crow: III'lll gggeeettt yyyooouuu...
Servo: III wwwaaannnttt yyyooouuurrr hhheeeaaaddd ooonnn aaa ppplllaaa...
Servo: TTTuuurrrnnn iiittt oooffffff...
Joel: Kids, when you've got a beef, don't take the law into your own hands, take it to zero-G. Anti-gravity, it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Joel: Tom Servo, you go first.
Joel: Alright, it's the end of the movie, how ya doin', Gypsy?
Gypsy: Fine, Joel.
Joel: Good, it's good to have you back.
Gypsy: I love you, Joel.
Joel: Thank you, Gypsy. You're good. Okay. You know what we're gonna do next is do the movie review game. And that means, tell me a good thing and a bad thing about the movie and you get a RAM chip!
Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Yay!
Servo: This movie made my gorge rise.
Joel: Okay, and a bad thing?
Servo: Okay, seriously, I thought the movie provided an opportunity to examine the various inaccuracies of airstop space movies such as this one.
Joel: Right, you're really buckin' for that RAM chip aren't you, pal?
Joel: Well, I like you, you're a good self starter, and I like the cut of your jib. So here's your RAM chip, paley. Alright, Crow, you want to tell me a good and bad thing about the movie?
Crow: Okay, it was groovy, and I mean that in a good way.
Joel: And a bad thing?
Crow: It was... groovy...
Joel: Right and you mean that in a bad way, right?
Crow: Yeah, 'xac-ly.
Joel: 'xac-ly, okay. Ready, are you ready girl? Tell me a good thing and a bad thing about the movie?
Gypsy: Richard Basehart?
Crow and Servo: Oh!
Joel: Richard Basehart. Okay! Well! You get a RAM chip. Okay, good. Okay, we've got another letter to read. Thanks to everyone who has written in so far. You really help us keep going up in space. Cambot, could you put these up on the screen?
Joel: This one comes from a guy named Ryan Liferock from Illinois. "Dear Joel, Tom Sirbol, and Crow. Tom Sirbol. I am 14 years old and I love your show! I start laughing so hard when you make comments during the movie tears come to my eyes. Tom Sirbol is the best..."
Servo: Thank you!
Joel: "...because his voice is so deep when he makes a joke it sounds funny. Like when he said, 'Oh, I hate to shoot a butt like that!'"
Servo: Oh, I hate to shoot a butt like that!
Joel: Right, he later asks about being Tom Sirbol and it's Tom Servo actually. It's an honest mistake. Anyway there's a picture here, too. Show that, Cambot. He's really a good artist, actually. So that ends the expiriment for today, what do you think, sirs?
Dr. F and Dr. E: What about the address?!
Servo: I've got it. Send it to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Club, P.O. Box 5325, Hopkins, MN 55343. Send them quick!
Dr. F: Not bad, not bad.
Dr. E: Hey! How's my hair now?
Dr. F: Go like this. You look like Big Boy. File that! Until next time, slabby cakes...
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