Magic Voice: Thirty seconds to Commercial Sign.
Joel: Hey, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Uh, my name's Joel and I'm marooned in outer space and I guess in a way, uh, you are too. Uh, I'm expecting a call from the evil overlord scientists who shot me into space pretty soon.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in fifteen seconds.
Joel: So, uh, stick around, you know, we're gonna find out what the movie is, and then we're gonna have an Invention Exchange, and then we can get on with the experiment, and then after that I guess you can get on with your lives.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in five, four, three, two, Commercial Sign now.
Joel: Don't go away, we'll be right back.
Dr. F: It's the Invention Exchange, and this time we've got a real winner for you. Something that'll sure to please all of your frat buddies!
Gypsy: Oh... Oh...
Joel: Okay now, just take it easy, this isn't gonna hurt a bit.
Gypsy: Oh, it's gonna hurt! It's gonna hurt!
Joel: Always be careful when Joel is using the laser-torch, alright?
Joel: See? Okay, look, I'm done. I'm done, already.
Gypsy: Oh... Oh...
Joel: I'm done. Here, okay, jump down. Here's your RAM chip! Come on, here ya go! Get outta here, now. Oh, my evil overlords are calling me. Come in, sirs!
Dr. F: Come in, Joeline, you pusillanimous puttroon!
Joel: Hey, sirs, what's going on? What's up?
Dr. E: Well, what's up every week at this time, you anti-gravitational sewage leak?
Dr. E: It's a little something we like to call the Mechanically-Inflating Whoopie Cushion! As we all know, the whoopie-cushion has been a long standing favorite among pranksters around the world.
Dr. F: Yes.
Dr. E: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
Dr. F: This one's got a little twist, though, it's a self-inflating model, and it's filled with real methane gas.
Dr. E: Get the picture?
Dr. F: Larry?
Dr. E: Ready? Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Excuse me! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Ho-ho! What do you think?
Servo: I'm shocked!
Joel: It's really sophmoric!
Dr. F and Dr. E: Thaaaaank you!
Dr. F: Well, what's your little contribution to science this week, Joelita? My little vacuum flower.
Dr. F and Dr. E: Hehehehehehehe.
Joel: Okay, well, this is my new invention. It's called the Cumber-Bubble-Bund! It's something you wear when you wanna make a big impression. Let's say it's your first day at school somewhere, or you're, uh, going in for a job interview. Just put on the Cumber-Bubble-Bund and you're an automatic disco-dance party! Hit the music, Cambot! See? Okay, stop it! I got a joke! You know, champagne goes right through me.
Joel: Anyway, what do you think, sirs?
Dr. F: Oh, very amusing. Anyway, your film today is "Robot Monster". It's a classic film that was nominated for a Golden Turkey award for being one of the "fowlest" films ever! Hehe!
Dr. E: See, to call this film wretched would just be a insult to the word wretched! It stars no-one! Oh, man, you won't believe this!
Dr. F: Yes, and to further your viewing displeasure, we have a double dose of that classic Commando Cody serial, "Radar Men From The Moon". Deal with it, pink boy!
Dr. E: Enjoy!
Joel: Oh, Movie Sign!
Joel: Okay. Let's see if what we just saw in the movie could really happen. The airplane leaves Krog's cave at four PM. It flies due North. Tom Servo, what's the estimated speed of a two-person, single engine plane?
Servo: Let's see, uh, assuming a tail-wind of, uh, let's say thirty miles per hour and figuring an average weight of one hundred and thirty five pounds for each passenger. I'd say, uh, a hundred and twenty three knots. Plus or minus two or three percent for the drag co-efficient.
Crow: Uh, are you compensating for a positive doppler shift?
Servo: Of course I am!
Crow: Oh, okay.
Joel: Okay. So it's a hundred and thirty knots. How fast would Commando Cody have to fly to catch up to the plane? Crow?
Crow: Uh, easy. Commando Cody would need to rev up his rocket pack to two hundred and ninety knots for eighteen minutes. Of course, gentlemen, we're only theorizing here. In reality it takes only one film edit to advance Cody to the plane! Hehehehe.
Joel: Right, it's just a serial, anyway the whole thing ends in a fiery plane crash anyway.
Crow: Very nice!
Joel: Like that.
Servo: Well, as long as we're talking about reality here, let's talk about that pumpkin head for a second. You know, even a ninth grader could see that with all the heaviness and position of the rockets on Cody's back, he'd be cart-wheeling his butt all over Southern California.
Joel: Right. But, Tom, remember, it's just a serial, it's only a show! It couldn't really happen. You know that thing that Isaac Asimov said about King Kong's body being too huge? It couldn't happen physically. He'd crumble.
Crow: Yeah, he also argued that the Incredible Shrinking Man could never have been heard because his vocal chords would be so tiny his voice would be ultra-sonic. Even dogs would have to go, "What? Huh?"
Servo: But, keep in mind, gentlemen, that physics has yet to legitamize the existence of Isaac Asimov's side-burns.
Crow: Oh, yes, we see, it's exactly like the Invisible Man paradox! If he's truly invisible, he'd be blind because his retinas would be transparent!
Joel: Oh. Well, I know one that's even true in real life, it's unbelievable. Physics has yet to explain how bumble-bees fly. Their bodies are too big for their wing-span! Physics says bumble-bees can't fly, but they do! Go figure, Tom Servo.
Servo: Hmm... Wing-span, body weight, air resistance... Whuhuh...
Joel: Oh, man! Uh, Crow, any thoughts on the subject?
Crow: Uh, what was the question again?
Joel: Uh, the thing about bumble-bees.
Crow: Oh, well, sure, bumble-bees can't fly, big deal, so what? Oh!
Joel: Oh, man! I gotta get more memory in these guys! Hey, Cambot, what do you think of that? About bumble-bees not being able to fly?
Crow: Servo, Servo... Come in, my faithful servant.
Servo: I am here, your excellency!
Crow: Why have not you killed the hu-man?
Servo: Because he gives me crunchy treats. And he empties my load pan.
Crow: But he is hu-man, and unfit to live!
Servo: But he's kind of cute. He has good bone structure. And he can drive a stick.
Crow: There is no room for your petty sentimentality, or your... He can drive a stick? Uh.. Uh, nevertheless, he is hu-man; kill him by sundown, or you will feel my wrath!
Servo: Okay, I will try, but I do not think he is going to like it much.
Crow: You have the effrontery to defy my orders?!
Servo: Oh, no, nothing like that, sire. I'm getting a call on another line. I'm gonna have to put you on hold, oh supreme being of the Universe. Oh, rats! I gotta shut this thing off!
Crow: This is no party line, dolt! Try to play telephone tag with me, you clinkering, clankering, mish-mash of... discarded... Harley-Davidson remnants! Ooooh! The Earthman approaches now. Destroy him!
Servo: Oh. I must destroy the Earthman!
Joel: Hey! Crow! Tom Servo! What's up?
Servo: Your number, I'm afraid! I MUST KILL YOU, MR. BOND!!
Servo: I MUST KILL YOU N....
Crow: Joel! What happened?
Joel: Uh... Tom servo, his, his reason circuits musta burnt out. He tried to kill me!
Crow: Oh, no, Joel, we were just doing a little role-playing! You know, "kill the human" role-play like in the movie!
Joel: Aww, no! Tom Servo, buddy! You gotta wake up!
Servo: Uh, wha... My aching camsphere! What happened?
Joel: Man, I'm, I'm sorry, Tom! I didn't know you were kidding!
Servo: Uh, somebody must have forgotten the robotic laws of Isaac Asimov!
Joel: I, I know, I'm sorry. "A robot can never kill a human." I'm really sorry; what can I do to make it up to you, Tom?
Servo: You could let me KILL YOU, MR. BOND!!
Servo: YOU COULD LET ME... Uh!
Crow: Joel! He was kidding!
Joel: Oh, no! We got Movie Sign!
Crow: Oh! Oh, Joel. I think I'm having heart palpitations! This movie's really getting to me!
Servo: Yeh, Joel! I think I'm developing an aneurism. Please, no more movie!
Joel: C'mon you guys aren't supposed to have human ailments! Besides, I think it's kinda' cool in a dark, surreal sort of way!
Crow: Well, so is standing in front of a speeding snow-mobile...
Joel: No, you don't get it. You see, isn't it kinda' weird? It's like there's a guy in a gorilla suit and he's got a robot head and inside he's got kinda a bunch of clay. I mean, I've seen Dhali paintings that make more sense than this movie does!
Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume shop close outs!
Crow: I don't get it, Joel. Is it cool to make no sense? Is it hip to be vague?
Joel: It's not cool to make no sense, but it's surreal.
Servo: Oh, like hippity-hop phatang strawberry potatoes climbing Mount Everest in tears! Ho ho ha ha!
Joel: Right! You got it. Even Cambot's getting into it with the monitor. Yeah!
Crow: Oh, well. Then it would follow that dripping cows go Yugoslav calf cutting and liederhosen. Is that cool though, Joel?
Joel: No, it's not cool, but it's surreal.
Servo: It's kinda fun, too, really when you think about it.
Crow: Yeh, well. See you in the floating head band tooth peccadillo, Mr. McGreet!
Servo: Yeh, so long, Dhali. Gotta humdrum ring doodle vortex batang! Whoa ho!
Joel: My robots. I think I'll crush grape jelly in my neck until the clocks come home!
Joel: In honor of this week's film being over with, the robots and I have organized a brief skit titled... Servo?
Servo: The Life and Times of Roman the Ro-Man Pageant.
Crow: Or, In Search of the Historical Robot Monster.
Joel: Fact: Roman the Ro-Man destroyed almost all of Earth's population save for six refugees. Yet, they all lived within a short walk of his cave.
Servo: Fact: Roman the Ro-Man used a cosmic ray that kept the cities of the world intact, to be enjoyed later by all Ro-Man. Yet, he lived in a cave. And not even a very good cave.
Crow: Heh, yeah, slag-heap. Oh. Fact: Roman the Ro-Man was an artificially created being devoid of any human passions, normal fears, tenderness, or forgiveness, ultimately lacking that which mortals cling to most: humanity. Yet he liked bubbles.
Joel: Roman the Ro-Man came from a civilization light-years ahead of Earth, or at least the Earth protrayed in the film. Yet, he frequently gestured like Howie Mandel. Go figure.
Crow: We believe these truths to be self-evident, and obvious.
Servo: Please give to the United Robot College Fund.
Joel: Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you?
Dr. F: Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?
Dr. E: You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!
Dr. F: By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!
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