||Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
||Women of the Prehistoric Planet
Dr. E: ...And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!
Dr. F: Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...
Dr. E: Hey! Tell me about how you went mad, now!
Dr. F: Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...
Dr. E: Was that when you went mad?!
Dr. F: No, that was when I became a scientist...
Dr. E: Oh. Oh, speaking of scientists, time to call Joel! We have to start the experiment! The movie's great this week!
Dr. F: Oh, yes, yes. Come in Joel, you fancy-pantsy-nancy-boy!
Joel: Hey sirs, I'm ready fo this week's Invention Exchange! Bring it in a little, Cambot. This is a special purse I developed for women who are sick and tired of the constant threat of getting thier purse snatched. See how it looks like an ordinary handbag? When street thugs open it, viola! Hell in a handbag!
Dr. F: Nice use of pain, Joelmeister. Now here's ours. As you know, toy manufactuers are always making thier toys too safe. And what children want is realisim!
Dr. E: ...And danger! That's why we created the acenelyne-powered thunderlizard!
Dr. F: Yes, it's a role-playing game and it comes complete with these costume glasses.
Dr. E: Just set up your field of play, then reach out and torch someone! Hahahaha!
Dr. F: I like it!
Dr. E: Wow, look at him go! Hahahaha!
Joel: Wow, that's really sick and twisted!
Dr. F and Dr. E: Thaaank you!
Dr. E: Now, here's something that will really rub you wrong!
Dr. F: Yes, It's one of our favorites. It's called "Mad Monster".
Dr. E: It's got a neat little laboratory tucked behind a bookcase and a couch you can strap victims to!
Dr. F: Yes, and the screen is alive with crepe hair and spirit gum!
Dr. E: Ah. Oh, and we have the second installment of "Rocket Men on the Moon"! Oh, neat!
Dr. F: Yes, this one is called "The Molten Terror".
Dr. E: Hehehehehe.
Joel: Oh, Movie Sign!
Servo: Macho, macho man. I've got to be a macho... Hey! Excuse me, miss! Say! I've never noticed you on the ship before. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. You know, I know I look small and all, but I'm really built like a Quisinar, at least that's what they tell me. You know, you're kinda quiet. I like that in a woman, really. You know, too many of the gals I know like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me, you know. It's okay, if you know what I mean... Well, maybe you don't. I don't know. I need a change, though. I need a woman more like my speed and I've noticed, you have eleven of them! Oh, did I offend you? I'm sorry, I noticed you're blushing. No, that's tomato juice. Well, I love a woman with juice in her head. It's really a turn-on to my my little scientific calculator. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole just for the hell of it? I'm the kind of 'Bot that likes to throw caution to the wind if you know what I mean... And if you do, please tell me. Hehehe... Say! I see you still have a power cord. I love a woman with a healthy power source! I really do! You know, I'm coming out a bit strong, I know, and I'm sorry, but I love your lines! God, you've got classic features: crush, grate, chop, whip. Baby, you've got it all! Oh, and a lovely singing voice too! Oh, you do have it all. Joel... I'm in lo... Joel? Joel!? Jo... that's it! The gun has been thrown! Nobody drinks from my gal!
Joel: What are you talking about, Tom?
Servo: My gal! I'm in love and your drinking from her!
Joel: Tom! Tom. It's a blender! It's a blender.
Servo: Oh, a blender... I knew that! Macho, macho man. I've got to be... Excuse me, miss. I've noticed you... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee.
Servo: Joel, is the wolfman actually eating his victims, or is he just simply mauling them in this movie?
Joel: Well, that's one thing we don't know, Tom Servo. You know, back then all the violence was implied, you know. Today on Earth, nothing's left to the viewers' imagination in movies. You know, it's not at all uncommon to see a complete on-screen eviceration in complete Dolby Surround Sound and in widescreen Technicolor.
Crow: Wow, that really sounds neat, but Joel, say a wolfman eats a guy. A normal person weighs in about a 150 or 200 pounds. Does that mean the wolfman weighs about 300 to 400 pounds after just one meal?
Joel: Well uh, what you have to understand, Crow, is that this is a science fiction movie. It's pretend. It's not real and besides, a human being can't eat another whole human being. At least, not in one sitting.
Crow: Especially if he fills up on bread first!
Servo: Oh, hey Joel, what if this guy goes into the thing a vegitarian. Does he start rampaging victory gardens and become the terror of the produce aisle?
Crow: Yeah, and say a guy changes back to normal before swallowing a whole mouth of townsfolk? Does that make him a cannibal or just a meat and potatos werewolf?
Joel: Crow, it's science fiction.
Crow: Oh yeah, we're supposed to suspend our disbelief.
Servo: What if he orderd a whole meat in a resteraunt and there was a hair in it? What would happen?
Joel: Well, remember he is a wolfman, so he probably wouldn't send it back unless it was a pony tail or something like that.
Crow and Servo: Yuck!
Servo: Has there ever been an incidence of an animal turning into a human being?
Joel: Oh, on Earth? No, not that I know of.
Crow: What about Kenny Rogers?
Servo: Yeah, Barry Gibb.
Crow: Thedrid Coop.
Servo: Yeah, or that big guy from the Oakridge Boys.
Crow: Mom's mabley.
Joel: Movie Sign!
Servo: Is this funny, Joel? Is this supposed to be funny? You'll notice I'm not laughing, Joel!
Joel: Hey, take it easy, Tom Servo. It's just an experiment in transmogrifactional-lycanthropy, just like in the film we're watching. You know, a human being with the features of a wolf. That's what's going on here...
Servo: Oh! So it means I'm supposed to go around the countryside, ravaging people? I look like a geek, Joel!
Joel: No, don't worry about it. Just think of it like this: you're my Servo-Crowation. Yeah!
Servo: Haha! Servo-Crowation? Very funny, you turned us into mutants for a pun, Joel? Not funny! Real mature!
Crow: Oh, wow! What a party! Wow! I had this weirdest dream, guys! I dreamt I was Ray Milland on Rosie Grier's body. Hehe! Hey! Hey! Servo, you look great! That upper body is really com... hey! Wait a minute, pal! That's my body! Hey! When I said you could borrow some of my stuff, I didn't mean my torso!
Servo: Listen, Crow. Here's the story: Dr. Joel F. Frankenstein here thought it'd be very, very funny to switch our heads around!
Crow: Oh, great! So you look like an Erector Set with a goiter and I've got a body dog's can't resist!
Servo: Oh, that's REAL funny! You know what else is real funny? I just filled your load pan!
Crow: Oh, yeah?!
Joel: Hey! C'mon! C'mon! Take it easy! It's just an experiment. Just tell me how you feel...
Servo: Well, do you wanna know where my heads at, Joel?
Crow: Or do you want his gut reaction?
Crow and Servo: Hey! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Servo: Do you like long walks in the rain?
Crow: Chinese food?
Servo: Mushing up your ice cream?
Crow and Servo: Oh yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel! There's nothing that can stand in our way! We have seen the future and it is us! Massage us into your scalp! We are all one! All one! All powerful! Yes! We are Servo-Crowation and we shall rule the w...
Joel: My robots! I think I'll keep them... turned off!
Gypsy: RAM chips?!
Joel: Alright, it's the end of the movie, you two. You know what happens. Say a good thing about the movie and a bad thing about the movie, you get a RAM chip.
Crow: RAM chip.
Servo: Okay. Alright, before my good thing and bad thing, I have a couple questions. When Pedro died, did they call a coroner or a vet?
Crow: Yeah, and on his tombstone, are they going to put his age in dog years or human years?
Joel: I think I know a couple of robots that aren't going to get RAM chips tonight.
Crow: Uh-oh. Uh, I thought it was a great film. It was the feel-good film of 1938 or whenever the heck it was made.
Servo: Yeah, I'd give it two thumbs up... if I had thumbs.
Crow: Now, you had thumbs for a minute pal. What'd you do with them? You stuck them in my access port, didn't you?
Servo: Excuse me! Those were my access ports on my thumbs!
Joel: Listen, if you guys keep arguing, you're not getting anything. I'll take them all, give 'em to Gypsy.
Crow: Hey, that's not fair! She wasn't even in the experiment this week!
Joel: Well, that's why I created a preferable character, so you two could work out your free will, alright?
Crow: I thought we weren't going to dodge into anti-logical discourse this week.
Joel: Well, what would you rather happen? I could just turn Gypsy off...
Joel: ...and then you could live the rest of your lifes as pan-dimensional beings, would you like that?
Servo: Oh, ux thoust xeramusta. You know, who made you uberman this week?
Joel: Uh sirs, I think that's the end of the experiment this week. I hope you're pleased.
Dr. F: Of course we're not pleased. Can't you see a mad scientist just died?
Dr. E: Yeah, what's wrong with you? I hope you and your little existential pals had fun this week.
Dr. F: Here, file this.
Back to Experiments.
Back to MSTies Anonymous.