Dr. F: I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!
Dr. E: You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.
Dr. F: Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.
Dr. E: ...Infamous!
Dr. F: Ah, that too! That too!
Dr. E: Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!
Dr. F: I only did that once!
Dr. E: Oh-humph!
Dr. F: Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice.
Dr. E: It was three times!
Dr. F: The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?!
Dr. E: Ok, I'll give you that. Oh it's, it's time to call Joel now. The experiment has to start.
Dr. F: Oh right, right. I knew that. Come in, Joline, you free-floating space ferret!
Joel: Well sirs, I'm ready for this weeks Invention Exchange! You know how they have airbags for cars, but they havn't invented anything yet for us motorcyclists, so I came up with this, the airbag helmet. What do you think?
Dr. F: Oh great, get Ralph Nader on the phone... and then call Gary Bussey.
Dr. E: Is it our turn now?
Dr. F: Yes.
Dr. E: Ok, this is our invention for this week. It's called the chalk-man.
Dr. F: Yes, we're entering this into the Mad Scientist compitition this year.
Dr. E: Oh, we have other choices, but this is the one we're going with.
Dr. F: This is very strong.
Dr. E: Alright. Okay, you're throwing a party, it's three A.M., and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalk-Man!
Dr. F: Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal-fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serenghetti in fear. Simply, put your Chalk-Man on the platten, now this is a real chalkboard...
Dr. E: Put it on Side B!
Dr. F: Side B, excellent, and as you've noticed, the tone arm has real human fingenails embeded in the end. Now, place it on the platten... well, open it...
Dr. E: They'll stay.
Dr. F: Close it...
Dr. E: They leave.
Dr. F: Open it...
Dr. E: They'll stay!
Dr. F: Close it...
Dr. E: They'll leave!
Dr. F: Open it...
Dr. E: Stay!
Dr. F: So on and so on and so on... Well, what do yo think of that, Joelmeister?!
Joel: Wow, it's really annoying!
Dr. F and Dr. E: Thaaank you!
Joel: Alright, well what's this week's experiment?
Dr. E: It's called "The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy", and it's almost as annoying as this Chalk-Man here!
Dr. F: Yes, but first we're going to scour your pallet with a little cinematic science-fiction sorbet. It's an old serial called "Commando Cody and Rocket Men from the Moon". Uh, be careful, Larry, I've installed a new security system here in Deep 13, so uh, so be careful which buttons you push on the panel.
Dr. E: Oh, neat! Okay, how does it work?
Dr. F: Oh, well uh, stand over there on that mark and uh, pretend you're from accounting.
Dr. E: Okay. You mean this mark here?
Dr. F: Yes.
Dr. E: Owie!
Dr. F: Hmm. Interesting.
Dr. E: Here's your movie, Joel.
Joel: Movie Sign!
Joel: What is that noise?
Crow: What is it, Joel?
Joel: Oh, I think I know what's wrong. Cambot, follow me over here. Look at them, they're... they seem like a bunch of Demon Dogs!
Servo: What are Demon Dogs?!
Joel: Well, they're like chihuahuas, but without any flesh, and it looks like they are covering the ship!
Crow: We got a couple problems, Joel!
Joel: What are they, Crow?
Crow: Well first, first uh, they're covering up the ship, they're going to weigh us down, our orbit's going to start to decay, and well, we'll enter Earth's atmosphere.
Joel: We're going to burn up!
Crow: Crispy critter time!
Joel: What's number two?
Crow: Well, as puppies go with no flesh, they've got like zero cuddle factor.
Joel: Right, we gotta get them of this ship, that's all there is to it. I need a man, a volunteer, somebody to go out there and shoo them off.
Servo: Oh, I think the choice is obvious. Who's got the mighty voice dogs can't say no to?
Joel: Uh, Lorne Greene?
Crow: Yeah, I was thinking that.
Servo: I said, who's got the mighty voice dogs can't...
Joel: You do, Tom Servo.
Servo: Alright, okay. Who's wicked awsome?!
Joel: Uh, the clash?
Servo: Who's the human who can't breathe in space and get dogs off this ship?!
Joel: I am, Tom Servo.
Servo: Alright. Ok. Who's bad?!
Crow and Joel: Tom Servo!
Servo: Who's bad?!
Crow and Joel: Tom Servo!
Servo: Alright, I'm bad, now get me some rolls of newspaper and don't bother to shut the door! I'll be right back. Keep my dinner warm!
Crow: Boy, I'm glad he's going out there, Joel. I can't even look at a plate of spare ribs without getting woozy!
Joel: Yeah, don't worry about it, Crow. Let's just watch the monitor and see what happens.
Servo: Ok, puppy party's over! Everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggie nightmare! Don't get me mad, I don't think you'd like me when I'm mad. Oh wait! Stop it! Put your legs down! Oh! Icky caca! Oh, let me in! Oh geez, next time I'll rub your faces in it!
Joel: Tom Servo, what happened?
Servo: Well Joel, there's only one way to put it... they disgraced themselves on me! I feel so dirty!
Crow: Hasn't affected your looks any.
Servo: Uck! Ick! Give me the willies! Oh, why would anyone want to do that to lovable old me, Tom Servo?!
Joel: Well Tom, there's something I've dreaded telling you since the day of your creation. When you were still on the drawing board, I based your plans on a fire hydrant.
Servo: Oh, man! You can look me in the bubble and tell me that I'm a public utility! It's over! I'm going to hose off.
Joel: Oh man, I don't think I can handle the sound of those dogs barking any more! At least the theater is soundproof!
Crow: Too bad! They might drown out the sound of that big dog on the film!
Joel: What is it, Tom Servo?
Servo: I think... yeah! Joel, I think one of those uh, Demon Dogs is doing thier shave-and-a-haircut knock on the back door!
Joel: What is it, fella? I think he's trying to tell us something! Dad?! He's trapped?! Under a rock?! Down in Deadrock Canyon?!
Enoch: Stop patronizing me you, and open this door!
Servo: Don't let him in!
Joel: Hey, come in here! Come on... come on up! Oh, oh not on the furniture, that's not good.
Enoch: I am Enoch, king and charasmatic leader of the dog people. Arf, arf!
Enoch: We have travled many parsecs to pray to the giant bone, and just maybe get a taste.
Joel: Giant dogbone?
Enoch: Yes, but we did not know the bone would be inhabited.
Servo: Hmm. Joel, I think the bone they're talking about is our ship! Hey Cambot, put the schematic drawing of the Satellite of Love, the 25-25, up on screen. I think it's under 25-25 in your files.
Joel: Wow! It looks exactly like a giant dogbone!
Enoch: Not just any bone, but the sacred nylon chew-toy, written of by the holy Rudd Weatherwa... Rudd Weatherwa... Joan Embry. Our intention was to bury you on the far side of the Moon. But now we'll have to change our plans.
Joel: Wow. Well listen, you gotta get your followers off our ship. There's so many of them, and they're multiplying at such an alarming rate, that we're going to go into Earth's atmosphere and explode!
Crow: Yeah, and then you'll be hot dogs!
Joel: Hey come on, Crow. Come on, he's...
Enoch: Not to be a problem. At my signal, the dogs will leave, but they will obey me, and only me. First, let us exchange pleasentries, then we will drink privately.
Crow: From a dish on the floor, boy? Hey, hey, hey.
Joel: Crow, now stop it. Listen, he hasn't met everybody. You probably... well except for Tom Servo.
Enoch: Ahh, the attractive one!
Servo: Hey! Watch it, pal! You're looking at 100% prime cut American robotic male! I don't party with puppies! I'm outta here!
Joel: Uh well, my name is Joel and I'm from the planet Earth and where I am from, dogs are man's best friend!
Enoch: You're kidding?!
Joel: Yeah, it's true. And uh, you've met uh, Crow over here...
Crow: Shake, boy! Shake!
Enoch: I don't like the bird one! But, now I'll explain how to rid your ship of the dogs...
Joel: Oh, wait a minute, you haven't met Gypsy yet! This is Gypsy. Gypsy! No! Gypsy! No! Oh, no! We're kibble!
Crow: Way to go, girl!
Joel: Movie Sign!
Crow: I just don't see it at all, guys.
Joel: Come on, Crow, I think it'll work. You're the only one of us who looks even a little bit like Enoch did.
Crow: No, my brow's all different and I'm just... no!
Servo: Oh, it's there. I see it. Joel, be sure to look down his nose. Well if I were a demon, I'd bow down and kneel and bow to you.
Crow: I'm already starting to miss that old Enoch. You know, I almost cried when he left, just like when Old Yeller got shot.
Servo: Oh Crow, come on, it'll be easy! You just go out there and say to the Demon Dogs, "Come on everybody, let's go. I'll be right behind you!" You duck back in. It's easy.
Crow: Great advice coming from mister fire plug.
Servo: Hey, watch it, pal!
Joel: Hey, hey, take it easy, you two. Listen, if worse comes to worse, just thell them the Satellite of Sove is just a giant chicken bone. Okay, you look great. Now just go do the job and be regal.
Crow: Oh, all right. I look like Charlie McCarthy.
Joel: Let's watch it on the monitor.
Crow: Alright, quiet down, quiet down. Ahem. I am Enoch. I am your lord and charasmatic leader, remember? And uh, hey what's the leash law here. Hey! Hey! Hey!
Servo: Oh, he's getting it!
Crow: Oh hey, cut it out. Hey! Hey! Curb you buddy over there. Oh, eww!
Servo: Hahahahaha! Kinda a warm felling, eh Crow?
Crow: Oh... well, I think it went kinda well, you know? They were eating out of the palm of my hand... 'til I ran out of treats!
Servo: And speaking of treats, we'll be right back.
Servo: Oh, man! This isn't working! This is great, what do we do now?!
Joel: I don't know! I can see clearly this completely isn't going to work! Maybe we should just try to review the movie!
Crow: Ouch! Incoming! Well, I thought that robot with the human head was really offensive!
Servo: Yeah, it was mixing mania with science.
Joel: I can see now this completely isn't working! We gotta get rid of these things! Quick, check your file!
Joel: What gets the dogs going on Earth?!
Servo: Well, chasing rabbits, ticks, chasing cars, scratching, tennis balls...
Joel: That's it! Tennis balls!
Servo: Tennis balls?!
Joel: Listen, go down to the service pod. Find that off the 33-A! Attach it to big disposal ball, it's shaped like a giant ball! Push it out the bay doors.
Crow: Oh, I gotcha!
Joel: Use the figure spots if you got 'em! Okay, Cambot, put me on exterior! Put in fetch mode on my mark! Now! Alright, they're gone.
Servo: Oh uh, Joel, I don't want to be a killjoy, but doesn't fetch mean go get and bring back?
Joel: That's the end of our experiment. I hope you're happy.
Dr. F: Oh, I'm happy. Are you happy?
Dr. E: I'm happy.
Dr. F: Good, file this. 'Til next time, Joel.