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1012 Squirm 08/01/99
1013 Diabolik 08/08/99
1101 TBA TBA



1013 Diabolik A Best Brains Production
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
1013.wav "Dan Quayle announces his candidacy." -Servo 108k
1013a.wav "I hurl my skinniness at you!" -Mike 54k



Prologue


Servo: Son of a... Mike? Crow? Little help? I'm...
Mike: What?
Servo: I cant...
Mike: What's the matter, Servo?
Servo: I was cleaning out my room and something got stuck in my Hoverskirt. Now I'm not getting any lift.
Mike: Oh, let's get it out.
Servo: Woah!
Crow: Woah!
Servo: Whew! There.
Mike: Well, look at this: it's an SOL Employee Handbook.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Well, what do you know?
Mike: I've never seen this before. "Welcome to the Forrester family of hostages, making your life miserable for over nine years."
Crow: That's nice.
Mike: Hey, it covers everything. Discrimination policy: "I reserve the right to discriminate against anyone I want, especially Mike."
Servo: Figures.
Mike: Benefits package: "All employees are entitled to smooch my backside."
Crow: Now what does it say about grievances?
Mike: Hmm, lemme see here. Oh. Grievance procedures: "Make your hand into a hard fist, drawing as far away from your face as possible and keep your head in place. Quickly and forcefully run toward your hand."
Servo: Well, we'll be right back.
Mike: Hey.
Crow: Yup. Hehe.


Segment 1


Crow: Does it say anything about our dental coverage?
Mike: Uh... "Shut up. You have no right to ask."
Crow: Sorry, Mike. I didn't think you'd take it so personally.
Mike: No, no. That's what it says in the handbook.
Crow: Ah.
Servo: Woah, woah, woah! Wait! Gee!
Mike: Hey, hey!
Crow: What the heck?
Servo: What the hell? What's going on here?
Mike: We'd better find out what's going on. Hey, Pearl's up!
Pearl: Oh hi, Nike Melson. How do you like my new joystick? Got it at Radio Shack. Say, I was wondering... What does a high-speed tumble do to your stomach?
Servo: Woah! Woah!
Crow: Geez!
Servo: Woah! Woah!
Pearl: I am just messin' with everybody today. What'd I do? What'd I do?
Servo: Man...
Crow: I feel sick.
Gypsy: Hey, you guys. The retro-fire has been activated and the ship's initiating a re-entry protocol.
Servo: What?
Gypsy: Prepare for gravitational insertion.
Servo: Mike, this means we're headed... to Earth! Hahaha!
Mike: Earth? That's my home!
Servo: Yes! Yes, isn't it? Yeah!
Mike: Yes. Earth!
Servo: To Earth! Hahaha!
Mike: Gypsy!
Crow: Blech. Blech.
Servo: Crow, you're wrecking the moment.
Crow: I'm sorry. P'too.
Observer: Apparently, you initiated re-entry protocol for the satellite.
Pearl: Well, make it not protocol the re-entry. Make it better!
Observer: Well, you broke off the stick of joy. It's irreversable. And wet bread.
Pearl: You're omnipotent, do something!
Observer: Uh, Pearl, the Mountain Dew you so playfully poured into my brain pan affected my gravitational control as well as my speech centers. Table dog purple liquefy.
Pearl: No, dammit. No! They will not escape me! I'll see them dead first.
Bobo: But... Hey, Lawgiver. Why don't you just take and use the satellite's self-destruct mechanism?
Pearl: We have one?
Bobo: Yeah, right there.
Pearl: Bobo, I'm a genius! Take this, losers!
Observer: Ah, jelly squint.
Bobo: Grr.
Mike: Ah, this is it! I love you, Crow. I love you, Servo. I love you, Gypsy.
Gypsy: I love you, Mike. I love you, Servo. I love you, Crow.
Crow: I love you, Gypsy. I love you, Mike. I love you, Servo.
Servo: I love you, Gypsy. I love you, Mike. Mmm!
Mike: Oh.
Crow: Um, Servo? You want to add...?
Servo: I was gonna say it! I just couldn't think of your name.
Crow: Yeah, right.
Observer: Well, the Satellite of Love is headed back to Earth. Paper not bound defeat.
Bobo: It's as good as done, Lawgiver.
Pearl: No! No! No! No! Oh! Aah! Aah!
Bobo: Oh. Can't be good for us!
Observer: No.
Pearl: Oh!
Bobo: See?
Pearl: Aah! Aah!
Observer: Raging clip art. Ooh.
Pearl: No.
Gypsy: Re-entry commencing. Entering lower orbit.
Servo: Haha!
Gypsy: We'll be landing in one hour and fifty-five minutes.
Crow and Servo: Hooray!
Mike: Yes! Yeah!
Gypsy: Woo-hoo!
Crow: We did it! We did it!
Mike: Well I mean, we didn't really do it, but...
Crow: Well, it was done by someone!
Servo: Yay!
Mike: Yes, someone did it!
Gypsy: Yay!
Servo: It was done!
Crow: Yay! It's done!
Servo: Hurrah!
Gypsy: Woo!
Crow and Gypsy: Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Observer: There, there.
Pearl: Oh. So you're coming back to Earth, huh? So I failed, huh? Dah!
Observer: Aah! Aah!
Pearl: That's fine. That's okay. Good for you! But there's still one button that works, so you're still getting your final movie. I give you... "Diabolik". If it gives you half the hell I have had to endure keeping you captive, it will all have been worth it.
Mike: Oh, Movie Sign! Let's go!
Crow: Boy, we're not going to be hearing that back on Earth.
Servo: Yeah, let's enjoy.
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: Would you get in here, please?
Crow: Boy, we're not going to be hearing that, either.
Servo: Yeah, let's enjoy.
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: C'mon!
Servo: Oh!
Crow: Aah!


Segment 2


Mike: Well, I'm all packed and ready.
Crow: Nice suitcase. Monogrammed and everything!
Mike: Actually, I got it at Mojo Nixon's garage sale.
Crow: Ah. Well you... got nothing but bags of rice in here.
Mike: Yup. Sure is good for you. It's bleached and enriched.
Crow: I'll bleach and enrich you. Say Mike, could you grab my bag here?
Mike: Sure.
Crow: Just put my stuff in a bunch of these babies.
Mike: Ah, I see. You got your dirty laundry...
Crow: Uh-huh.
Mike: ...and a Schmidt Beer sign...
Crow: Of course.
Mike: ... and a whoppie cushon.
Crow: Yup. And the food I cleaned out of the fridge.
Mike: Ah. Ooh, an open tin of smoked oysters.
Crow: And I got some loose paiyae on the bottom there if you wanna dig in.
Mike: Ah.
Servo: You're not my new best friend. Stop pestering me. Scram, would ya?
Crow: Wow.
Servo: For crying out loud.
Mike: So Tom, what are you going to do with all the spare you's you've collected over the years?
Servo: Yeah, you know I just did a head count, and boy, I've made quite a few of me. Heh. Five-hundred and seventeen at the last count. Wow.
Crow: Yeah, that's far too much you. You should be limited to one or less.
Servo: Exactly. So I'm just gonna enact the self-destruct mechanism I planted in all the me's! Haha! Here goes! Ah! Woah. Woah. Woah. Hoo-boy.
Mike: Ah! Servo?
Crow: He done blowed hisself up. Well, more Earth for us, I guess.
Servo: What the? Oh, there's my remote. Heh, figures. One of those dumb me's got ahold of it and started playing me.
Mike: Well are you sure you're... you?
Servo: Of course I am. You could tell right away if I wasn't. Well, I'd better clear out the rest of the me's before I go! There.
Mike: Ah! Servo?
Servo: I'm right here, Mike. Say, have you seen my remote detonating device?
Mike: Oh, man. This may take awhile to sort out. We'll be right back.
Servo: Ah, there it is. Well, here goes!
Mike: Uh!


Segment 3


Mike: Huh? Oh. Well.
Crow: Hey, Mike. Does Pearl offer any kind of a severance package? 'Cause as soon as we get down to Earth, I'm gonna need to buy a blue suit for interviews and I'll probably want to blow 15 large on off-track betting.
Mike: Oh. Um, hang on. Hey, Pearl?
Pearl: Can it wait? I have to explode the nuclear core, release all the mutants, and fill out the change-of-address cards. Oh. Oh hey, Brain Guy. Start pitching viruses while I shred documents.
Observer: But I've got a million things to... Oh, very well.
Pearl: Yessir, Nelson, I don't even care that you're coming back to Earth. I took me a sweet job as Dictator for Life of Qatar. Well, they've been courting me for some time. They even sent me this beautiful basket of flavored sand. Look at that. Qatar. My first act is to get these idiots a you. And Brain Guy. Brain Guy could care less, too. He's got lots of stuff going on. Right, Snow Crab?
Observer: Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, in fact. I've got lots of stuff going on.
Pearl: Yeah, see? Lots of stuff. Big white guy like him, you kidding me?
Observer: Actually though, I was wondering... If you guys would be interested in getting a place together after this?
Pearl: Oh, sorry. I actually have to live in Qatar to rule over it. Oh, plus you smell and I don't like you. Sorry.
Observer: Naturally. Bobo, what about you?
Bobo: Well you see, that's not going to work out for me. I just took myself an important position... at the zoo. Hehe. Yup. I had a killer interview. Although I thought I'd blown it when I uh, charged the nice lady and relieved myself on her desk. But it turns out, they want me to start right away. In fact, they pursued me with nets and stun-guns and I had to lightly maul one of my new co-workers. Hoo-boy. Anyways, it's free room and board and besides, I'm too important for you now. Hahahaha!
Observer: Oh, I guess I'll have to take that position as the all-knowing, eternal and universal consciousness over on Rilos XIV, then.
Pearl: What a loser!
Observer: Shut up.
Pearl: Anyways, Mike, you were asking about severance. That's on page seventy-four of your handbook.
Mike: Oh, okay. I see. Got it.
Crow: Ah.
Mike: D'oh! We got Movie Sign, too.
Crow: Movie Sign. Aah.


Segment 4


Mike: And hey, that's me by the giant fiberglass muskee in Heyward, Wisconsin.
Servo: Wow, Mike. I can't wait to see all the wonders of your amazing planet!
Mike: Yeah, me neither. You know, Crow's gonna love... Hey, Crow! Crow? Crow?
Crow: M-Mike, I don't wanna go. I'm a-scared.
Gypsy: I think he wedged himself under the desk.
Servo: Oh, brother. Come on out of there, you big lilly-livered scardey-Earth.
Mike: Hey, come on. Take it easy. What's the matter, little pal?
Crow: Well, well, well... The Earth is so big... and there's traffic accidents and all those open spaces and, and there's wild pigs... I want to stay here.
Mike: Yeah, I thought this might happen, so I wrote a little song. Kinda to help with the jitters. Servo, Gypsy? You wanna help me out?
Servo: Well lay on, Cole Porter!
Mike: Okay, let's go. I know it's hard to leave this little satellite of ours.
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Mike: We've had some fine adventures, we've danced among the stars.
Gypsy: We did?
Mike: And though if far-out spacenauts no matter where I roam...
Servo: Ah.
Mike: ...there's just no other planet like the planet I call home.
Servo: Wisconsin?
Mike: No, actually I was thinking of this. To Earth...
Servo: Yeah, yeah!
Mike: The very birthplace of my birth.
Servo: Dooby-do-do-doo!
Mike: The thought of Earth fills me with mirth. Hahahaha!
Servo: Hey, maybe we'll meet Colin Firth!
Mike: That is a possibility.
Servo: Hehe!
Mike: To see...
Servo: Be-be-be-be-be-bee!
Mike: ...the blossoms on an apple tree.
Servo: Be-be-be-be-be-bee!
Gypsy: To wander barefoot by the sea...
Servo: ...and slice your heel upon a broken bottle of Lipton Iced Tea.
Mike: C'mon, clam it, shorty. You're not helping.
Crow: The Earth's a big and scary place with wars and crime and death.
Servo: It is?
Crow: They listen to Shawn Mullins and Alanis Morrissette.
Servo: Oh, no!
Crow: This satellite has been my home; I'll never know no 'nother.
Servo: Me neither.
Crow: Where will I live? What will I do? And can I keep my mother?
Mike: Absolutely.
Crow: Mom! Okay!
Servo: No...
Crow: Then it's to Earth we'll go to stay.
Servo: I don't know.
Gypsy: Though seldom times we'll romp and play.
Crow: Yeah!
Servo: Oh, but what if I get eaten by a dog or by a manta ray?
Mike, Crow and Gypsy: Let's go...
Servo: There's so much that we don't know.
Mike, Crow and Gypsy: It's Gypsy, Servo, Mike and Crow...
Servo: I'm scared of water buffalo!
Mike, Crow and Gypsy: Exotic lands we'll come to know...
Servo: We'll all get mugged in Chicago!
Mike, Crow and Gypsy: We'll bid this satellite farewell and then we'll go to Earth...
Servo: Well now I think I'd rather stay. Mike, Crow and Gypsy: To Earth...
Servo: I wish the hell you wou wouldn't say.
Mike, Crow and Gypsy: To Earth!
Crow: Hahahaha! Well now I can't wait to go! Show me that big fiberglass muskee!
Mike: That's the spirit! Hey Tom, where was that pic... Tom? Tom?
Gypsy: I think he wedged himself under the desk.
Crow: Uh-oh.
Mike: Great. Now I'm going to have to write a whole new song. We'll be right back.
Servo: Help!
Crow: There, there.
Mike: Take it easy.


Segment 5


Mike: Tom, what's our situation?
Servo: Beginning re-entry, Mike!
Mike: Good.
Servo: Oh! Total heat shield failure, Mike!
Mike: Bad. Well, what's going on?
Servo: Deck 3 broken away. Oh! Deck 4 broken away.
Mike: Oh! Oh my gosh! Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!
Servo: Woah, nellie! Deck 5 broken away. Deck 6 broken away. Deck 7 melting, and broken away.
Mike: Gypsy, what do we do?
Gypsy: We burn up horribly. It's too dreadful to contemplate. Oh, thank God in Heaven, please have mercy on our souls!
Mike: I'll call Pearl.
Servo: Uh-oh! Toxic gas filling our lungs and nasal passages!
Mike: Pearl?!
Pearl: Now sing, damnit, sing!
Pearl, Bobo and Observer: It's a long way to tiperary...
Observer: It's a long way...
Pearl: Look, Nelson. Move on. I am.
Servo: Woah! Deck 9 crashing through Decks 10 and 11.
Gypsy: This is it! We're going down!
Servo: Brace for impact!
Mike: We're all gonna die!
Crow: Mike, have you seen my other sweater?!
Mike, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Aah!
Servo: Hehehe. Boy, this ConGypsCo stock is up. I mean, way up!
Mike: I mean, Gypsy did want to let us in on her public offering, but we said no.
Crow: Well if you remember, I made a fart noise. She only took it as a no.
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: Well still, it all worked out. I mean, we were very fortunate to walk away from that crash.
Servo: I'll say.
Crow: Oh, yeah.
Servo: Woo-hoo!
Mike: I guess if we were all multi-billionaires, you guys wouldn't have moved in with me.
Crow: True.
Servo: Yeah, that's right. Sweet garden-level living. One bedroom, one-half bath, and on the bus line!
Crow: Sweet!
Servo: Yang! Haha!
Mike: Hey, who's for rice?
Crow: Would you sit down? The movie's about to start.
Servo: Come here, dummy.
Mike: Oh, man.
Servo: Hoo-boy.
Announcer's Voice: WTMJ-TV in Milwaukee presents our Saturday afternoon movie, "The Crawling Eye".
Servo: The Crawling Eye: The Marty Feldman Story.
Mike: Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy that makes sure the trees' shirt tails are in.
Crow: This movie looks kinda familiar, doesn't it?
Servo: Hmm...



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