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1011 Horrors of Spider Island 07/25/99
1012 Squirm 08/01/99
1013 Diabolik 08/08/99



Short: A Case of Spring Fever 1012 Squirm A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by zapman24@home.net
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
1012.wav "Noooooo springs! Hehehehehehe!" -Coily
"I love Coily." -Servo
62k
1012a.wav "You know I got a surprise for you." -Worm Face
"I made you a coat out of old boxer shorts." -Crow
44k



Prologue


Mike: Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Crow: Roger.
Servo: Ramjet.
Mike: All right, fire extinguishers?
Servo: Empty.
Crow: Shot them off in your face. Next.
Mike: Okay. Flare gun?
Servo: Ibid.
Crow: Shot them off in your face. Next.
Mike: Right. First aid kit?
Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike: Right. Parachute?
Crow: Gym class.
Mike: Okay, life vest?
Servo: Falsies.
Mike: HAM radio?
Crow: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike: There. The Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work at all?
Servo: Yeah, the toaster oven. We used it to bake the HAM radio.
Crow: Mmm.
Mike: Okay, well then, we're dead. We'll be right dead.
Crow: C'mon, Mike. We're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser!
Servo: Whee!


Segment 1


Mike: The list of emergency numbers by the phone?
Crow: We threw it out and replaced it with a Jeff Foxworthy Jokebook.
Servo: Hehehe.
Mike: Al, good work. Yes Pearl-é-voux?
Pearl: I do the cute names around here, Nel... son. Anyway, you can't bother me today because I'm very happy.
Observer: Uh, Pearl... happy... smile.
Pearl: Anyway, you can't bother me today because I'm very happy. It's time for the First Annual Castle Forrester Fair.
Observer: Yay.
Pearl: Here's the plan: First we take over a local fair, then a county fair, then a state fair, then the world's fair, then the universe fair! Hahaha!
Observer: Hahahaha!
Pearl: And it starts so simply. A couple of crappy rides, livestock, corn dogs, butter sculptures.
Observer: A grandstand act, this authentic cardboard replica of Mr. Ben Murphy himself.
Pearl: And folks and cooking contests up the wazoo. For instance, I put up some pickles, here, try one. It's an old family recipe usingcucumbers and Windex. What have you guys got for the fair?
Mike: What? Oh, uh... no. Uh, guys, did you see the other project?
Servo: C'mon Winston. C'mon, this is you big moment boy. C'mon in. There you go.
Crow: C'mon, boy. Good boy.
Mike: Uh, guys, you have a giant pig.
Crow: Oh, you bet. Winston here tips the scales at 5,743 pounds. Raised him from a little 8 pound cutie.
Servo: He's a cinch to win the blue ribbon.
Crow: Yeah, hehe.
Mike: What do you feed him?
Servo: Silage.
Mike: We have a silo?
Crow: You're not very observant, are you Mike?
Pearl: Giant pig, huh. No, the judge says my pickles win. Let's visit one of our many concession stands here at the fair. One, please.
Bobo: Coming right up.
Pearl: "Ape Hair"? That's an imaginative name. That's another wonderful thing about the fair! Delicious snacks with funny names, "Dip 'n' Dots", "Pronto Pups," and "Elephant Ears". So what's "Ape Hair"?
Bobo: Well you see, I just rip a big hunk off like this, dip it in batter, and then fry it.
Pearl: Mmm, come to the fair! Today in the loser pavillion, we're showing a horrible killer worm movie called "Squirm". But first, a shortmade in the 1700's about the importance of springs. Come to the fair!
Mike: Where are you even keeping him?
Servo: On the feed lot.
Mike: Wait, we have a feed lot?
Crow: Do you even live here?
Mike: We got Movie Sign. Bring that pig outta here.
Servo: C'mon Winston, let's go.


Segment 2


Mike: Wow, so every object in the universe has it's own spry, satanic sprite, just waiting for the moment when someone wishes it didn't exist?
Servo: Well, evidently.
Mike: That's weird. Hey, do you suppose there's even a hellish imp for me?
Crow: Well, lets try it. Shoo, Mike. I hope I never see Mike again for as long as I live.
Mikey: So, you never wanna see Mike again for as long as you live! Okay mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish.
Mike: Hey guys, look, it must be...
Mikey: The name's Mikey. The Mike Sprite they call me.
Mike: Thats totally amazing. I had no idea...
Mikey: Quiet! This has nothing to do with you.
Servo: Wow.
Mikey: I heard your wish and now you are gonna get it, no more Mike from now on.
Crow: Well huh, live and learn, huh? There is a Mike sprite.
Mikey: The name's Mikey.
Servo: Right.
Crow: Yeah, fine.
Mikey: You got your wish!
Crow: Uh-huh, we understand that. Now... um...
Mikey: No Mike!
Crow: Hehe, this is great!
Mikey: What's that you say?
Crow: I didn't say anything.
Servo: Neither did I.
Mikey: You, you got your wish? No...
Crow: Okay uh, I wish I could have a big steak sandwich brought to me by Mike.
Mikey: No Mike! Do another!
Servo: Oh for crying out loud. Um, I wish I could jump on Mike's bed, how's that?
Mikey: No... hold on. Does Mike's bed exist if there's no Mike?
Crow: Good question.
Mikey: You better do an easier one.
Servo: Look, do you want us to beg you to bring Mike back, is that it?
Mikey: Well, yes.
Crow: Oh, all right. Aww gee Mikey, I didn't realize what I was missing. Isn't there anything we can do? Please, let me take back my wish.
Mikey: Well okay, I'll do it just this once! But next time, be more careful.
Servo: We will.
Crow: Right.
Mikey: Don't ever make that wish again!
Crow: Woah!
Mike: Wow.
Servo: So there must be a sprite for everything. Now what if I said I hope I never see Mike's socks again?
Crow: Oh no.
Mike's Socksy: The name's Mike's Socksy. The Mike socks sprite they call me.
Mike: We'll be right back. Hey c'mon, I want my socks back.
Mike's Socksy: No Mike's socks.
Crow: Oh, geez.


Segment 3


Servo: Oh, my, my, my. I do declare, it is ever so hot today. Crow darlin', be a dear and fetch Servo a mint julip.
Crow: No.
Mike: Uh-oh. Looks like we got a problem.
Servo: Why, Mike Nelson. I do beleive you're flirting with me. Why Mr. Nelson, you're a big old flirt, aren't you?
Crow: Uh, yeah Mike, Servo's become afflicted with severe Southern bell-ness.
Mike: Yeah, well he probably picked it up from the movie. He's pretty susceptable to that kind of thing.
Crow: I recommend we administer some good old fashioned Yankee behaivor modification.
Servo: Sir! How dare you say that word in my house!
Mike: Okay, let's give it a go here. Alright Servo, how'd you like a nice bug slice of Pepperidge Farm bread?
Servo: Well, I do declare I don't know what you're talking about.
Crow: Hey! Hey Servo! Look at this picture of George Steinbrenner!
Servo: Oh, heavens!
Crow: Give it to him good, Mike.
Servo: I do beleive I am getting the vapors.
Mike: Alright. Okay, we're losing him. Let's give 20 cc's of pastrami to him, stat!
Servo: Oh no, sir! You mustn't, sir! How dare you! Oh-oh-oh... Whoo. You guys, what the hell!
Mike: Sorry about that Servo, you were alarmingly, dangerously Southen.
Servo: Man, I must have been insufferable. I'm really sorry about that.
Crow: No problem, buddy. Just glad to have the real you back.
Servo: Yeah, thanks. Although, this doesn'e really make up for the woe of Norhtern aggression!
Crow: Aww!
Mike: Uh-oh. Alright, Crow, bring an egg cream to the theater!
Crow: Okay, Mike.


Segment 4


Mike: Lights out. Uh-huh, dance,dance, dance. Lights out, uh-huh, dance dance, dance...
Crow: Um... Mike honey?
Mike: Hey fellas! This here is Emmit the worm. Emmit, this here is the fellahs.
Servo: Hey Emmit. Mike, you probably know this, but you have a huge electrode clamped onto that worm's keester there.
Mike: Oh yeah. Well, I was watching the movie.
Crow: Yeah, the movie.
Mike: Right. And that got me to thinking I could use the ship's reactor to turn my worm farm into a race of giant mutant killers.
Crow: Well that's nice, Mike. Say, could you drop us off at the nearest satellite?
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: Ooh, no time. Gotta make a race of worms. Alright, here we go.
Crow: Whoo!
Servo: Look out!
Mike: Oh no! Emmit! Dear, sweet Emmit! He died like all the rest.
Servo: Mike, we usually encourage there little projects of yours.
Crow: But this is getting grotesque, even for us.
Mike: I know, you're right. I'm a failure.
Servo: Ulp!
Crow: Arrgh!
Mike: Hey, that's not bad. Taste?
Crow: Mike, yuck! Mike, that's horrible!
Mike: C'mon, try it.
Crow: I'm not gonna try it, that... that's delious! Much better than fresh worms.
Servo: Gimme, gimme! C'mon. Yum! Finally, a sane use for nuclear power!
Mike: We'll be rich, rich, rich! And we'll be right back.
Servo: Hahahahaha!
Mike: Crow, we need a dipping sauce.
Crow: Check.
Servo: Gimme!


Segment 5


Mike: Crow?
Crow: Hehehe, up here Mike!
Mike: Crow, is that you? You're so high up all I see is a fleck of gold.
Crow: It's me, Mike. Dressed as the sister, wiht the big shoes and the patches on the pants!
Mike: Oh, hang on. Oh yeah, I see.
Crow: Well, go ahead Mike, have a good laugh.
Mike: Well, it's not really my style of humor, you know. It's not very subtle. Kinda stupid, really. I'll go get Servo.
Crow: Hang on Mike, I'll come with you. Arrgh, rgh. Uh-oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! Yaaaaah...
Servo: What's this you got for me, here?
Mike: It's this thing here.
Servo: Lemme take a look at it. Okay, Crow, tall shoes, falling to horrible death. That's kind of funny, I guess.
Mike: Yeah, kinda funny. Yeah, what do you want there Pearly-pants?
Servo: There he goes.
Pearl: Ooh, sorry about your little gold reindeer, Mike. I don't know if this helps, but maybe you could call someone who gives a rat's ass.
Observer: Um, Pearl, I...
Pearl: Almost ready? We've got an exciting new ride at this year's fair. The Super Screamer Bungee Jump!
Observer: But I've calculated both the length of the rope and the distance down, and...
Pearl: Start screaming! Exhilarating, huh? Want to go again? Sure you do!
Observer: I think my shoulder is seperated.
Pearl: I have a feeling this is gonna be a very popular attraction this year. Come to the fair!



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