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1010 It Lives By Night 07/18/99
1011 Horrors of Spider Island 07/25/99
1012 Squirm 08/01/99

1011 Horrors of Spider Island A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by hquiej@netwood.net
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
1011.wav "There's absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know that the plane caught fire and that we've lost radio contact." -Dr. Strangelove guy
"Well there's absolutely nothing to be worried about." -Mike
1011a.wav "We've got to make it! Paddle with your hands!" -Gary
"Or your panties, or your breasts, or whatever." -Crow


Crow: Oh, hey Mike! I see you've got today's Boston Globe.
Mike: Yeah, Crow! I didn't know you had a syndicated column in the lifestyles section of many major newspapers.
Crow: Oh, sure! I was inspired by Larry King's column in USA Today.
Mike: "My Two Cents" by Crow T. Robot
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: "I said it before, and I'll say it again; shoelaces are handy, even necessary, to many of today's shoe styles."
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: "Volleyball player Gabriella Reese is the best athlete in the world in arguably the most difficult of all sports."
Crow: Right.
Mike: "The Boeing 727 is still my favorite aircraft."
Crow: Mmm-hmm.
Mike: "I give Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia a B+."
Crow: Yup.
Mike: "Television shows aired last night." Crow, I have to say, this column doesn't seem particularly substant.
Crow: Oh, thanks Mike! You should have seen last Tuesday's column. I remarked on a patty melt I had for lunch.
Mike: Must've been fascinating. Now, who reads this column?
Crow: Well, you, for one.
Servo: Crow, you were right on about shoelaces, man! I don't know what we'd do without journalists like you, telling it like it is!
Mike: We'll be right back.
Servo: Wow! Television shows did air last night!
Crow: Hehe.

Segment 1

Crow: Okay Mike, is this more substantial? "Could there be more goose poop in my front yard?"
Mike: No!
Crow: No, it's not more substantial, or no, there could not be more goose poop in my...
Mike: Let's see what Pearl's up to, okay?
Crow: I just wanted an answer.
Mike: Well, what the...
Crow: Hey! Hey, look at this, another button!
Mike: I never noticed that before, hello?
Pearl: Oh, hi Mike! I'm sorry, I should've told you we were moving the castle. I didn't mean to leave you home alone.
Observer: Ohh.
Pearl: Well, anyway, we had to. I finally got sick of paying fifty bucks a year for my monkey license.
Observer: Um, where do you want the silverware?
Pearl: Well, in the kitchen, where it always goes. Fifty bucks! I'm not gonna pay the government fifty bucks for the privilege of owning a monkey! How much do you pay for your little things up there?
Mike: Well, not that much.
Crow: Really?
Pearl: Exactly! So anyway, we're living in a much better place. It's quieter, frankly, it's a better neighborhood, and they only charge ten bucks a year for the monkey license! Pretty shrewd, huh?
Bobo: And it's a nice one, too! Look, it's red!
Mike: Wow, real neat! It does seem like kind of a commotion just to save the forty dollars, but, you know, what do I know?
Observer: Oh, no Mike, it only cost $2.3 million to move the castle, so it'll pay off in about 3,512 years, assuming two percent inflation each year, so you see how much sense it makes.
Pearl: Well, maybe if you'd moved it with that big-deal brain of yours...
Observer: I'm not that omnipotent, Pearl! And besides, when we packed everything up, moved the castle here, only to unpack it and put it back again in the same places, I mean, why?
Pearl: Oh, I actually have a pretty good reason for that.
Observer: Okay...
Pearl: It's because...
Observer: D'oh! Ah! Oh! Oh!
Bobo: It's real official too, look! "For control of parasite and disease-riddled, smelly apes." That's me!
Pearl: Go lay down, Bobo! Lay down! As for you up there...
Crow: Oh, I'd imagine that, what, with all the moving, you don't even have time for a movie for us today, do you, huh? Huh?
Pearl: Yeah, right! Oh, no movie... Oh, except for this one! And it's a really bad movie! It's called "Horrors of Spider Island". I hope that's okay.
Observer: Real peaceful in the new neighborhood, too.
Pearl: Hey! Shh! No!
Observer: D'ah!
Crow and Servo: Roof! Roof! Ra-ra-ra-ra! Ra-ra-ra-ra! Roof! Roof!
Mike: Oh no, not the chain bark! And we've got Movie Sign! Come on!

Segment 2

Mike: Ah! Get... Stupid!
Crow: Mike, what the hell are you doing?
Mike: I'm trying to extricate myself from this giant web!
Crow: Well, be careful, will 'ya? And don't disturb the giant fly, that's our lunch!
Mike: Oh, shoot! Okay, you know, I'm not gonna go into how you made a giant web, I just want to know why.
Crow: Well, I think the more important question is what possessed you to leap blindly across the bridge and get caught in the first place?
Mike: I didn't!
Crow: Would you routinely spring out of the theater like a gazelle?
Mike: Crow, how do I get out of here?
Crow: Good question. Can you excrete oily, web-proof spittle from your mouth?
Mike: Oh yeah, I think so, hang on. Let me see... Of course I can't, you imbecile!
Crow: Hey! Hey, I'm not the one who sprinted headlong into a large and very obvious web!
Servo: Here's dome roasted potato bug and dip! Hehe, this web's gonna have us eating like kings! Mike, what the hell are you doing?
Crow: Apparently, he was pogo-sticking blindfolded across the bridge.
Servo: Huh. Too bad. Let's eat! I had no idea there were so many giant insects on the satellite!
Crow: Well, I had no idea they'd be so delicious!
Mike: Hey! Hey! Now there's a giant spider! Help me! Help me!
Crow: Yeah, that's a pretty lame impression of David Heddison in "The Fly", Mike.
Servo: Come on, Crow, the giant mantis fingers are bubbling hot with cheese!
Crow: Yummy! See 'ya, Mike!
Mike: Well, I'm dead, and we'll be right back. Shoo! Hey!

Segment 3

Mike: Georgia, who's next?
Servo: Um, that would be a Ms. Pearl Forrester.
Mike: Forrester, eh?
Crow: Oh, you're gonna like her Gary, she's great!
Observer: Whee.
Bobo: Hee-hee-hee! Woo-hoo!
Observer: Huzzah.
Bobo: Ooh-hoo-hoo! Whee-hee!
Observer: Oh! Pearl, something's happening!
Pearl: What's up, cotton ball?
Mike: What's up? I'm taking some dancers to Singapore. You do well there, the sky's the limit.
Pearl: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Singapore! And then, off, off Broadway, and then, off Broadway, and then... Broadway!
Observer: Oh, good luck, you guys!
Pearl: Good luck, Bobo!
Bobo: Luck? Hell, this is for a shot at fame! Right now, I couldn't hate you more! Spread out you two!
Mike: Hmm, nah...
Servo: Next!
Bobo: What? Oh, son of a...
Observer: Beat it, has-been!
Mike: Eh, not bad, eh...
Servo: Okay, baby, you're in!
Observer: Yes! Hahaha! Eat it, loser!
Bobo: No!
Mike: Eh, Gary likes that, yeah...
Crow: That's great, sister! Now, give us a little leg!
Pearl: Leg? Oh, sure, Brain Guy?
Observer: Oh, yup. Ow!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Ahh!

Segment 4

Crow: So, Mike, if you're a woman and you're in a plane crash, you instantly become languid, helpless and sex-starved? And you murmur a lot?
Mike: Well, uh, let's just see.
Servo: Okay.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Ahh!
Mike: Ahh!
Crow and Servo: Ahh!
Servo: Well, there you have it!
Mike: Yup! Survive a plane crash, and you do indeed become languid, and helpless and sex-starved.
Crow: And you murmur a lot! Even guys like us!
Servo: Hey, that was fun! Let's do it again!
Mike: Oh yeah! Let's auger this baby in one more time!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Woah!

Segment 5

Servo: Hey, turkey legs!
Crow: Hey, bloaty!
Servo: I'm gonna make myself a Braunschweiger melt, you in?
Crow: You know it!
Mike: Grrrr!
Servo: A, uh, monster.
Crow: Who is clearly Mike.
Servo: Gee, what happened, Mike?
Mike: Oh, I got bit by a giant spider on my way in from the theater, so now, I'm a giant spider.
Crow: Yeah, you're gonna see that. Uh, yeah, I gotta say, though, Mike, you look even less like a spider than that guy Gary did in the movie.
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: Think so?
Servo: Yeah, you're still like 99.999999999 percent human.
Mike: Um, no, I'm not, I'm a huge spider. I uh, I've got this giant spider claw.
Crow: Well, so, so what? You're gonna attack us with that and drain out our essential life fluids, or...
Mike: No, I... In fact, I was gonna make myself a Braunschweiger melt.
Servo: Now, that's a coincidence!
Mike: Well... Let's see what Pearl's up to. The castle's gone! There's nothing but a huge dark stain from them blasting off!
Observer: Uh, no Mike, the stain's from Bobo.
Pearl: Oh, sorry Nelson, forget to tell you we're moving back. They had some weird, arcane law in that town about not throwing garbage out your windows, and I cannot abide that kind of oppression. So we've got the castle back up on the flatbed out there. We had to stop and diesel up in this here Pump 'n Munch. Bobo's in the men's room, me and Brain Guy are here in the ladies' room.
Observer: Oh, I had no idea!
Pearl: Right.
Bobo: Lawgiver, Brain Guy, look! I found a bunch of balloons in the men's room vending machine, so I bought us a whole bunch. And look, they're individually wrapped! Well, this one even protects us from something! Oh, and this one is from France, and it's supposed to tickle us! Oh, and this one, this is a red balloon that's supposed to make some lady happy, and I really don't understand...
Observer: Can, can I see those, please?
Bobo: Oh, sure.
Pearl: Um, Bobo, we need to have, uh, a little talk. You're not ready for this, Nelson. Now, Bobo, when a flower loves a bee very much...
Observer: Oh uh, my many lady friends will appreciate my caution.

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